‘Um... most of it. Er... look, why don’t we get another drink?’
‘No.’ Alice shook her head. ‘I don’t feel well. I think I’ll go home.’
‘You can’t go home alone, especially if you don’t feel well—’
‘I’ll get a taxi,’ she said, agitated.
‘No... No, listen, we’ll be leaving soon. Wait for us. I’ll go in and talk to Frank.’
Jenny disappeared back into the living room. Alice felt as if she might faint. Susie, Jane’s friend, walked past her, eyeing her with what appeared to be sympathy or perhaps concern for Alice’s state of mind.
Alice’s perception was hazy, and in a way she was now pleased she had drunk so much wine; at least she wasn’t able to think about much. She felt tired and wanted to sit down. She looked behind her to see whether she could sit on the stairs, but there was a couple kissing, sitting at the bottom of the stairs. So, she wouldn’t even be able to get past them to go upstairs and find a quiet room in which to lie down.
As she walked back into the living room, the loudness of the music overwhelmed her for a few moments; she had to stand still, trying to get her bearings. When she finally felt as though she had control of herself again, she looked up and surveyed the room, trying to find somewhere to sit. The sofa at the far end of the room was free. There were bags and coats on it, but no one was sitting there. She made her way over, and cleared a bit of space so she could sit down. She sat there for what seemed like an hour or so, but was probably less time. People were slowly starting to leave the party. The room became less crowded and the music had been turned down so that it was now possible to hear people talking. She could see Jenny, Frank, Tony and a couple of other boys chatting and dancing. Jenny waved at her to join them, but Alice didn’t feel like talking to anyone. She thought about dancing. Sometimes at parties, she would often lose herself in the music and spend hours on the dance floor. Those were always her best memories. She loved dancing. But now that the people in the room were few and the music had been turned down, she didn’t really want to get up and dance. She would feel too conspicuous.
As she looked over at Jenny, she wondered when they would be leaving. She looked at her watch, it was nearly 11 p.m. She thought about calling a taxi. The telephone on the side table next to the sofa seemed to beckon her for a moment. She decided that if Jenny and Frank didn’t make a move to leave within the next half hour, she would call a taxi and go. As she leaned back on the sofa, she caught sight of Andrew who was standing on the opposite side of the room... alone. He seemed to be looking directly at her, and when she looked at him, he smiled, appearing almost embarrassed that she had noticed him looking at her; then he turned away and she saw that he was pouring himself a drink.
He smiled at me, she thought wistfully. Her eyes remained fixed on him, and she wondered where that girl was—the one who had accompanied him to the party. Maybe she’d gone to the toilet? Maybe she isn’t his girlfriend, she dared to think. Then, she saw Andrew pick up two cups from the table and her heart sank again. He’d obviously poured a drink for his girlfriend as well. She hung her head and considered once again calling for a taxi. But then she realised she didn’t have any telephone numbers for local cab firms.
Just then, someone said: ‘Hi Alice.’ It was a voice she recognised. Looking up, she saw Andrew. He remembered my name. He smiled at her again and held out one of the cups towards her. ‘It’s only orange juice, I’m afraid; they’ve run out of booze.’
She took the cup from him and smiled awkwardly. She thought of all the times she had longed for a moment like this—to be alone with Andrew, to have a chance to talk to him.
Andrew moved a couple of coats onto the back of the sofa and sat next to her. ‘I’m Andrew,’ he said.
‘Yes... Yes, I remember we met once,’ said Alice, tripping over her tongue.
‘Selina introduced us.’ He sipped his drink.
Alice smiled to herself whimsically. He remembered meeting me.
‘I noticed you’ve been sitting alone on this sofa for a while,’ he said. ‘Are you okay?’
She blushed and was glad that it was dark in the room; the only light coming from the wall sconces—three or four on each wall—and candles scattered erratically on tables and sideboards.
‘I... I wasn’t feeling well,’ she said, looking at her hands. ‘I’m just a bit tired, I think.’ She turned to look at him and tried to smile, but her face felt stiff as if smiling was something she had never done. She wanted to be excited by this moment, and there was excitement bubbling beneath the surface, but she was also not able to shrug off her feelings of anguish at the events of the past few days.
He smiled at her again and she noticed his eyes just as she had done when they’d first met. She found herself staring at him. For a short time—it could not have been longer than a few seconds—they looked at each other, locked in each other’s gaze.
‘Well,’ he said eventually, looking at his hands, ‘it’s not long before we have to go back to uni.’
‘I know,’ was all she could think of saying. She looked across the room and saw Jenny and Frank were still dancing. For an instant, when looking in Andrew’s eyes, she had felt as though she was far away, in another place; but now she remembered everything she had been trying to forget.
‘What are you studying?’ he asked. He seemed genuinely interested—his look no longer intense but friendly.
‘Law,’ she replied, forcing a smile.
‘Ah! So, one day you’ll be a hotshot lawyer!’ He grinned.
‘Hmm... I’m not sure,’ she giggled. For a moment, again, she had forgotten her pain, but now it was back. She really wanted to enjoy this moment, but she couldn’t help her mind going back to her meeting with Jane and everything Stephanie had said to her.
She looked across the room and her eyes met with Jenny’s. Jenny gave her a broad smile and a wink, noticing that Andrew was sitting next to her. Alice smiled back, but was really wishing that Jenny would tell her they were going to leave. She didn’t feel very sociable, and couldn’t think of a thing to say to Andrew. He probably thinks I’m not interested in him.
She turned towards him just as he was getting up off the sofa.
‘I’ll be going now,’ he said.
‘Okay,’ she said, knowing she had not been very good company. It felt as though her dreams were slipping from her hands as Andrew walked away. He turned around before he left and said, ‘I’ll see you at uni.’ He then went to say good-bye to Tony. Alice wanted to reach out and stop him leaving, but she had a sinking feeling that it was too late.
Finally, Jenny and Frank approached her. ‘Come on, Allie,’ said Jenny, ‘we’re off.’
Alice felt relieved.
‘Bye, Tony. Great party,’ said Frank as they headed for the door.
As Frank opened the front door, Susie—the girl who had been talking to Jane earlier—said: ‘Bye, Frank.’
‘Oh, bye, Susie,’ he said, waving at her.
As they got into the car, Alice’s curiosity got the better of her. ‘Frank, who was that girl you just said bye to?’
‘Tony’s sister, Susie. Why?’
‘Oh, I just thought I recognised her from somewhere.’
‘Well, she is a law student,’ he said as he settled himself in the driver’s seat, ‘but I think she goes to a different university than you.’
‘Do you know her friend—Jane?’ Alice was glad it was dark in the car as her face reddened when she recalled that Jenny had heard her talking to Jane earlier. Thankfully, Alice was sitting behind the front passenger seat where Jenny was seated.
‘No,’ said Frank, answering her question.
Alice leaned back in the car seat and looked out of the window wondering how she was ever going to get to know more about the mysterious Jane.
‘Tony kept going on about how much you look like someone called Jane, all evening,’ said Frank, breaking her train of thought.
‘Oh, what happened with y
ou and the gorgeous Andrew? I saw you chatting to him,’ said Jenny, changing the subject.
‘Yeah, I saw that,’ said Frank. ‘You two were very cosy on the sofa. I thought I might have to get the fire extinguisher out.’ He laughed.
‘Really?’ Jenny’s voice was tinged with excitement. ‘Did you kiss? I didn’t see that.’
‘No, we didn’t,’ blurted Alice, embarrassed.
‘I was just kidding.’ Frank laughed again.
‘Oh,’ Jenny sounded disappointed. She twisted around as far as she could in the front seat to look back at Alice. ‘Allie, when I saw you two chatting, I asked Tony if Andrew had a girlfriend, ’cos you know we saw him arrive with that girl; well, apparently she’s just a friend. Andrew’s unattached.’ Jenny was grinning.
Alice forced a smile at her friend. She didn’t say anything, feeling sure she had spoilt any chance of a relationship with him. She had behaved so coldly towards him and hated herself for it. After all the months of waiting for a chance to talk to him, she had let herself down; she didn’t want to think about it. The opportunity had passed her by.
Jenny and Frank began to argue about which tape they would play in the car: ‘But you were listening to that on the way here. It’s my turn to choose,’ said Jenny, annoyed.
‘I don’t want to listen to U2,’ said Frank. ‘I’m the one driving. I should be able to choose.’
‘I prefer Radiohead’s other album; so if you want to listen to them, let’s listen to that.’
‘No, I want to hear the new one; I haven’t had a chance to listen to it properly.’
‘Huh! It’s always on in the car when I get in here.’
‘Well, I don’t drive that much...’
Alice had tuned out of their conversation and was staring out of the window looking at the rain and the streetlights. Uppermost on her mind was the conversation she’d had with Jane.
The drive took about half an hour. By the time they arrived at Alice’s flat, Jenny and Frank were chatting happily. Alice’s thoughts consumed her.
‘Are you asleep back there?’ asked Frank as the car came to a halt.
‘No,’ said Alice, her mind tuning back to the present with the change in motion of the vehicle.
‘You’ve hardly said a word since we left Tony’s,’ he said, twisting in his seat to look at her.
She unfastened her seat belt and forced a smile at him. ‘I’m fine.’
‘She’s been too busy dreaming about Andrew, haven’t you?’ Jenny giggled.
‘Yeah, someone will be having sweet dreams tonight,’ said Frank, laughing.
Alice put on her best fake laugh and opened the back door of the car.
‘Thanks for the lift,’ she said as she exited. ‘It was a great evening.’
‘I’ll just come to the door with you and make sure you get in safely,’ said Jenny stepping out of the car.
Alice knew that Jenny had heard what she’d said to Jane, and she knew that she was probably going to ask her about it. She wished she could just go into the house and disappear under her bed sheets until morning.
‘Are you all right, Allie?’ asked Jenny when they reached her front door.
‘Yeah, fine.’
Jenny spoke in a lowered voice, even though Frank wouldn’t be able to hear them from that distance, as if she were relaying a secret: ‘It’s just, you know I heard everything you said to Jane earlier.’
‘I know,’ Alice brushed it aside with a wave of her hand. ‘I must have been mistaken.’
‘Jane does look like you. It was an easy mistake to make.’
‘Thanks, Jen.’ Alice smiled at her as she fumbled with her key ring trying to find the front door key. ‘She has the same surname as my dad, so I thought she might be related to him... Well, you know... you heard...’
‘Yeah. Listen, just because her dad has a different first name, doesn’t mean you’re not related. Does your dad have a brother? You might be Jane’s cousin. Me and my first cousin, Harriett, look almost like twins.’
Alice sighed. ‘That’s true, I hadn’t thought of that. Hmm... But I don’t know much about my dad... I’m not sure if he’s got a brother.’
‘Well, I’m here for you if you need to talk. And don’t feel bad about what happened, okay?’
‘Thanks, Jen.’ Alice put her key in the lock, then she paused. ‘Jen... do you think Frank could find out more about Jane through Tony? I mean, his sister seems to be good friends with her.’
‘That’s a good idea, Sherlock. I’ll talk to Frank about it.’ Jenny smiled.
‘Thanks.’
Just then, Frank tooted the car horn.
‘Oh, I’d better go, Allie. I’ll phone you.’ Jenny walked away towards the car.
***
Alice lay in bed unable to sleep. She could still hear the music from the party pulsating in her head. So much had happened since the plane crash—since her dream. Her life had been turned upside down, changed beyond recognition. It had only been a week, but it seemed much longer.
She kept replaying the conversation she’d had with Jane, over and over in her mind. Could Jenny be right? Could she be her cousin? It was certainly possible. Stephanie would know if her father had a brother.
Her thoughts turned to Stephanie, who was now “Stephanie” in her mind when she thought of her, rather than “Mum”. Alice remembered she had told her she would call her today. Looking at her alarm clock, she saw that it was 11:45 p.m. It was too late to phone her now; she would be asleep. She felt a twinge of guilt for not phoning her, aware that Stephanie had been very upset after their last meeting.
Having had time to think it over, Alice was no longer angry with her for not telling her about the surrogacy agreement. In truth, she wished she had never told her. Ignorance is bliss, she thought. I wish I didn’t know. I wish Stephanie was my mum.
She thought about Miranda, and momentarily wondered about whether she could find her. But then she felt foolish, realising that Miranda had never wanted her: she had sold her; given her away. Why would she want anything to do with her now? But she wondered whether Miranda may have regretted giving her away. Did she ever think about her and wish she could find her? Pushing the thought from her mind, she decided to concentrate on finding her father first and deal with everything else later.
A tear came to her eye as she thought of the way she had spoken to Stephanie. She had been angry when she found out, but now she knew that none of it was Stephanie’s fault; not the fact that she was unable to have children of her own, the fact of her husband leaving her to bring up a small child on her own, or the fact that she had been so afraid of losing Alice that she hadn’t told her the truth. She resolved to phone Stephanie in the morning and tell her that she understood and that she had forgiven her.
She tried to think of something else and her mind went back to the party. She remembered Andrew and felt sad again. She cried frustrated tears. She felt sure that he would have got the impression that she wasn’t interested in him. Why is everything going wrong at once?
***
As Stephanie lay in bed that night, she wondered how she had managed to get through the day. The salon had been very busy in the morning and she had hardly had the time to sit down. She put on a happy face and had managed to fool some people, but many of her regular clients commented that she seemed “tired” or “quiet”. A couple of times, she made the excuse that she needed to go to the toilet, but in fact had taken a few minutes to cry bitter tears and take deep breaths to calm her mind.
At lunchtime, she told Rosie she had a migraine and would be taking the afternoon off. She asked her to phone her clients and rearrange her appointments. She could tell that Rosie didn’t believe her. Stephanie had never suffered from migraines. But even though they’d been friends for a long time, she could not bring herself to tell Rosie what was really wrong. There was only one person she could speak to about this.
She phoned Rita and had been unable to say much on the phone as she could not h
old back the tears. Rita had met her at the café where they had first met each other again after almost twenty years.
She spent two hours with Rita in the café, not eating but trying to come to terms with everything that had happened.
‘You look pale, Steph. You should eat some lunch, you’ve been working all morning.’
‘I think I’ve lost Alice. I think she hates me. The way she looked at me. How can she ever forgive me? I lied to her.’ Her tears began to spill, and the waitress who was passing by their table tried to pretend she hadn’t seen, busying herself with wiping a nearby table.
The café was buzzing with the lunchtime crowd, many of the customers queuing up to buy a take-away sandwich. All the tables were occupied. Stephanie was hardly aware that there was anyone else around, and if she had been, she would not have cared. Her world had fallen apart. After a sleepless night, no breakfast and a busy morning at the salon, she didn’t really care what she looked like, what she said, or who witnessed it.
‘Steph, you’re not wearing any make-up. I hardly recognised you,’ said Rita. ‘You really should try to put things into perspective. Don’t let this bring you down. Alice is shocked, but when she’s had time to digest it, she will understand.’
‘She said she’d call me today. I’ve been waiting for her call all morning. Every time the phone rang in the salon, I went to pick it up, even when I was in the middle of doing someone’s hair. I’m desperate to talk to her.’
‘Well, why don’t you call her?’
‘No, I can’t.’ Stephanie’s face blanched and for a moment Rita thought she would faint.
‘Oh, this is ridiculous. You haven’t slept, and you haven’t eaten anything all day; you’re not thinking straight.’ Rita stood up. ‘I’m going to get you a sandwich and then we’ll talk some more.’ Her forehead creased into a frown.
Stephanie sat alone at the table and now noticed a few people looking at her, but when she looked at them they turned away. She had caught sight of her reflection a couple of times in the salon mirrors, mostly avoiding looking at herself, but when she had, she saw that the bags under her eyes gave away the fact that she hadn’t slept, and her hair was unkempt as she had hardly bothered to brush it that morning. She had got dressed quickly, after having difficulty getting out of bed because she had not slept, then she had splashed some water on her face and ran a brush through her hair once or twice. Her appearance was the last thing on her mind when she left the house that morning.