Ken led the way towards where Miranda was seated. He coughed to clear his throat.
Is he nervous? Alice wondered.
‘Um, this is Miranda,’ he said. ‘Miranda, this is Alice.’
The two women nodded at each other.
Ken sat down next to Miranda. Alice continued to stand.
‘Please, sit down,’ said her father, pointing at an armchair directly opposite the sofa.
Alice looked around the room, but she was too nervous to take in any of the surroundings. The only thing she could focus on was the black leather sofa, and the two people sitting on it. Her parents. Eventually, she sat down. They sat in silence, the three of them. Her parents on the sofa, and Alice on an armchair facing them. Her parents were looking fixedly at the coffee table, in between the sofa and the armchair, as if they had never seen it before. Alice stared at her father and Miranda. She was scanning their faces to try to see any resemblance, any obvious family connection linking them to her. She couldn’t believe she was sitting in front of her parents.
‘Alice,’ Miranda broke the silence, ‘would you like something to drink? Tea, coffee, something cold, perhaps?’
‘No,’ said Alice. She looked at Miranda and realised that she didn’t have any feelings at all for this woman. All she felt was indifference. After all, this was the woman who had given her up at birth, to Stephanie, for money. Alice wanted to feel some sort of emotion, but she could not really consider the woman to be her mother.
She had thought about everything long and hard over the past few days and told herself not to prejudge the woman who had given her away; she didn’t know the whole story. But, as she sat here looking at her, she could not get past the fact that she seemed cold-hearted. All she had done when the daughter she hadn’t seen for over twenty years walked into the room, was stub out her cigarette and give her a half-smile. She hadn’t even made an effort to stand up to greet her. Her father’s shaking of her hand had seemed a bit formal, but that was better than nothing at all. Alice could only conclude that Stephanie had been right about her: Miranda had never wanted her. The thought of this almost made Alice feel angry. She was the woman who had come between her parents. As far as Alice was concerned, Stephanie was her mother—the only one who had loved her as a mother should.
There was silence in the room, as if no one could think of what to say. The silence became too much for Alice to bear; it seemed to consume the atmosphere. She felt she had to start the conversation somewhere. Clearing her throat, she spoke directly to her father. ‘I came to see you because I wanted a clearer picture of my background. I wanted to meet you, out of curiosity, I suppose. I know you are not keen for us to have a relationship or even get to know each other better. I was offended by that at first, but I’m fine about it now. It’s probably too late for all that, anyway. But, I need some answers for my own peace of mind.’ As she spoke, she began to feel calmer.
‘Alice,’ said Miranda.
It came as a surprise to Alice when Miranda spoke, as she had been deliberately avoiding her eyes and speaking directly to her father.
Miranda continued: ‘You have to understand, we had our reasons for leaving you with Stephanie. We thought it was for the best. That way, everybody was happy, and there would be less explaining to do. We were both feeling guilty. Your father felt guilty for getting into a relationship with me, and I felt guilty about the agreement I’d made with Stephanie. It was complicated. If things could have been different—’
‘But why have you never even tried to have any contact with me? Didn’t you have any feelings for me at all? I mean, what about when you had Jane, didn’t you think of me then?’
Miranda looked to Ken, as if for assistance.
Alice felt frustrated at her hesitation, and continued: ‘I don’t know when you had Jane, but didn’t you think about me then? Didn’t you ever think it would be better for Jane to have some sort of relationship with her sister? Or had you just forgotten about me by then?’
Miranda and Ken stared at Alice. There was silence again. It appeared that they were unwilling to give her any answers, or maybe they just couldn’t think of any decent excuse for abandoning a child. It seemed as if she was talking but they were not listening.
It felt to Alice as though they were silently mocking her.
Eventually, her father began to speak. ‘Oh, Alice, of course we didn’t forget about you. How could we? I think it’s best if I just explain everything to you. Hopefully then you’ll understand.’
‘Okay,’ said Alice, ‘That’s all I want.’ She felt as though she had made some kind of breakthrough; her father was willing to talk to her, at last. She felt as though she was on the first step to getting to know her parents better, and although there would be many steps to climb, she felt that the hardest part was over.
‘The way it happened was, Stephanie and I, made a surrogacy agreement with Miranda.’ Her father stopped, as if he were trying to recall everything, then he continued, ‘I was still with Stephanie at the time. When you were born, I stayed with her until you were nearly two years old. I wasn’t seeing Miranda at that time. When I left Stephanie, I happened to meet Miranda again by chance. We got on well, and we decided to get married. That’s when I contacted Stephanie for a divorce. We decided to leave you with Stephanie because she also had rights over you... because of the surrogacy agreement. We were sure there would be a lot of fuss from Stephanie if she found out we were together, and we didn’t think she’d let us have you without a battle. And, anyway, we felt guilty about getting together.’ Her father stopped.
‘Why? It doesn’t make sense. Why would you feel guilty about getting together, if you’d already split up from my mum... I mean, Stephanie?’ Alice shook her head.
‘Well, it wasn’t that simple. The attraction between us began at the time of the surrogacy, and we’d seen each other regularly, during that time. Stephanie was unaware of this, so I felt guilty,’ said her father.
‘I still don’t understand,’ said Alice, frowning.
‘Well,’ said her father, ‘when Miranda and I decided to marry, Stephanie had already been looking after you by herself for a couple of years. We decided to leave you with her, because we knew we could have another child. Stephanie was a good woman. We knew she’d be a good mother for you, and we didn’t want to disrupt your life.’ He looked at Miranda as if he was seeking her approval for what he had said, and she smiled and nodded at him.
‘You still haven’t said why you didn’t try to keep in contact with me,’ said Alice.
‘We didn’t want to upset Stephanie. That was our reason at first, because we didn’t know how she’d react when she found out we were together. We just didn’t think she’d allow us access. It would be too complicated, and we’d have to go to court, and everything about the surrogacy would come out. We didn’t want that, and we didn’t think we’d stand a chance of getting access if it was discovered that Miranda had given you to Stephanie for money.’
‘But, what about when I was older? You could have contacted me then,’ said Alice.
‘But I didn’t want to confuse you. I didn’t know what Stephanie had told you. I didn’t know if she had told you she was your real mother, or if she had another husband and if you thought he was your father. It was difficult,’ said Ken.
It was hard for Alice to see her father’s facial expression as he spoke because the sun was shining through the window and making her squint. Her father’s explanation of what had happened did not satisfy her. There were too many questions still remaining. He had not seemed sure of his answers, and his story seemed vague. Also, it struck her as odd that Jane was supposedly that much younger than her—maybe three or four years younger—yet she was sure that she’d heard Jane was already going to university.
Miranda seemed to be staring at the ground, trying to avoid looking at her. Alice couldn’t help feeling that there was more to the story—something they hadn’t told her—but she couldn’t put her finger on it.
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‘Maybe we should have contacted you,’ began Miranda. ‘We often thought about you, but years pass by so quickly and we don’t always do what we should. We are sorry, but surely you were happy with Stephanie?’
‘Yes, I was. I still am.’ Alice spoke defensively, looking Miranda in the eye. It felt to her as though the woman was trying to belittle Stephanie. ‘This has got nothing to do with my relationship with Stephanie. As far as I am concerned, she is my real mum.’
Miranda looked down at her hands.
‘I just wish someone had told me the truth before. I would have liked the opportunity to have known Jane when we were growing up,’ Alice added.
‘Sorry,’ her parents said in unison, nodding their heads and looking apologetic.
‘About Jane...’ began her father: ‘She knows nothing about all this—the surrogacy agreement, and everything. Of course, we’ll probably have to tell her eventually, but we’d like to do so in our own time. We would appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to her.’
Alice shook her head, not really able to believe what he had just said. ‘But, now we’ve met,’ she started, ‘I’ve spoken to you and everything is out in the open; surely you can tell Jane? Then, we can all get to know each other. You both just said that you would have liked to have had some contact with me. It doesn’t have to be on a daily basis. We could just see each other sometimes. Jane knows I exist now, so she might decide she wants to know me. If she does, I’m not going to lie to her. I’m sick of lies.’
Her parents looked at each other. They both wore frowns when they looked back at Alice. She felt as if she were at a job interview, and the two employers had suddenly decided that they didn’t think she was right for the job but didn’t know how to tell her.
Silence hung over them for a few moments and then her father spoke: ‘So, Alice,’ he said, losing his frown and actually smiling; even if the smile appeared transparently false. ‘You mentioned on the phone that you are studying.’
‘Yes,’ she replied. Then, after a pause, she added: ‘I’m doing a Law degree.’
‘Oh, so is Jane!’ Miranda smiled at her. Alice noticed that her smile did in fact appear to be genuine.
‘Really?’ Alice wasn’t sure she wanted to smile back at Miranda just yet. There was something she couldn’t quite trust about her.
‘Yes, she’ll be in her final year this year.’
Alice’s raised her eyebrows. ‘How can that be? I mean how old is she then? I heard she was at university, but I thought she’d be in her first year. I thought she must be about eighteen, because I was nearly two when you split up from Stephanie.’ She looked towards Ken, shaking her head in confusion.
‘I said “first” year,’ said Miranda, quickly. ‘Didn’t I?’
‘No,’ said Alice, ‘You said “final” year.’
‘Oh, dear. I meant first year.’ She sighed. Then she added, ‘You’ll have to excuse me, I sometimes get my words mixed up; it’s my age.’ She giggled.
Ken shifted in his seat, his false smile rearing its head again as he looked at Alice.
‘Well, it is quite a coincidence that we both chose to study law, isn’t it? I’m sure me and Jane would get on well; she seems really nice,’ said Alice, still sure her parents were on the defensive as if they hadn’t told her the whole truth. Perhaps they were just uncomfortable meeting the child they’d abandoned years before, she reasoned. They definitely seemed uncomfortable.
‘As we discussed on the phone, I think it would be better for things to go back to how they were. I don’t want you to keep in touch with us, or Jane,’ said her father.
‘I agree,’ said Miranda.
Although not entirely unexpected, considering the cold way they had been acting towards her, Alice still felt shocked and offended by this. ‘Why?’ she managed to say, her mouth remaining open.
Her father stood up as if preparing to show her to the door. ‘As I explained to you on the phone, it will do no one any good to rake up the past now,’ he said.
Alice felt a lump forming in her throat, but she fought back the tears. She didn’t want them to see her cry.
‘It’s for the best, Alice. Think of Stephanie,’ continued her father.
‘Stephanie is all right with this. She knew I was coming to see you,’ said Alice. ‘She understands that I would want to get to know my real parents.’
‘It’s been too long,’ chimed in Miranda. ‘You have to understand; your father and I accepted long ago that you were going to live with Stephanie. We never saw you as our child, and I suppose, well, we can’t just start thinking of you as our child now. It’s too late.’ Miranda stood up too.
Alice looked at Miranda’s face. There appeared to be tears forming in her eyes.
‘Alice, you'll have to try to understand: we don’t want you in our lives. Sorry.’ Her fathers words boomed out much louder to her than they were in reality “we don’t want you in our lives”.
She felt stunned at how quickly their conversation had turned from him asking her about her studies, to him now making it more than clear that they were just not interested in her at all. It seemed incomprehensible. They were both so openly, and obviously, trying to get rid of her.
‘I’ll show you to the door,’ said her father, formally.
Alice was still, at that moment, seated on the armchair looking up at her parents, unable to believe that they had no feelings for her whatsoever.
‘I’m sure I can find my own way to the door,’ she said, bitterly.
She stood up and walked away from the people who were once her parents but were now just strangers, her head bowed low. How can this be happening? she wondered. Surely it should be me unable to forgive them for leaving me; they should be begging me for forgiveness. Instead, they just seem to have no remorse and no feelings at all. It’s like they are made of stone.
As she approached the front door, she heard their footsteps behind her on the wooden floor. She didn’t want to turn around and give them the satisfaction of seeing they had upset her.
She reached towards the door to open it, but just as her hand touched the handle, she heard the sound of a key being placed in the lock. She pulled her hand away instinctively and the door opened.
Jane walked in and closed the front door.
Alice turned around sideways to give her room to enter, and she then caught sight of her parents’ faces. Her father’s eyes were wide in shock. Miranda’s face had turned pale.
Ken and Miranda seemed frozen. Alice realised that they now feared she would tell Jane everything. They feared she would tell her that her parents had given away their eldest daughter for money, and had never cared about her.
Alice just wanted to get out of the house. She didn’t understand why, when she had reached out to her parents—even after they had given her away—they had rejected her again. They seemed heartless. Surely, Jane was adult enough, now, to understand what had happened all those years ago? She wouldn’t hold it against them. Maybe, Jane would have looked at the situation, positively—as she had done—and seen that she now had the opportunity to get to know her sister. As Alice stood staring at the two cold faces, she knew that she didn’t care if she never saw them again.
There was no point in coming here anymore. She would leave, and hopefully be able to scrape back together the shattered pieces of her life. She realised now that her life had really been fine until she started wanting to find her father. She had always been happy with Stephanie.
‘Hello,’ said Jane, cheerfully, looking directly at Alice. Jane seemed pleased to see her.
‘Hello,’ said Alice, tears forming in her eyes.
‘Darling, you’re home early,’ interrupted Miranda.
‘Yes.’ Jane nodded. ‘Why didn’t you tell me Alice was coming?’ She smiled at Alice.
‘She’s leaving,’ said Ken, bluntly.
Alice looked at his hard stare and closed her eyes briefly, sighing, wishing she had the guts to punch him.
‘Oh?’ Jane seemed disappointed. ‘Why don’t you stay a little longer? I’d love to hear what you’ve all been talking about,’ she said.
‘Alice is in a bit of a hurry, aren’t you?’ Her father walked quickly past Alice and Jane, almost pushing Alice sideways into the wall. He opened the front door.
‘I could stay a little bit longer,’ said Alice through gritted teeth.
Ken’s arm reached out and pulled her towards the front door and then he forcibly pushed her out of the door. She looked back towards where Jane had been standing hoping she would say something else, but Miranda had pulled Jane towards the living room door and was now whispering something into her ear.
‘Go now,’ said Ken to Alice. ‘And don’t come back.’
Alice looked up at his face. His cheeks were bright red and she could not tell whether it was anger or embarrassment at Jane having turned up unexpectedly.
She turned away from him without saying a word and walked towards the gate.
The sound of the front door slamming shut behind her, reverberated in her ears.
Walking along the street, she felt as if her world had taken another drastic turn for the worse. The meeting with her parents was meant to be a new start but now it had come crashing down; an ending instead of a beginning. Their behaviour had been irrational at best, and downright evil at worst. How could they behave like that towards their eldest daughter who had come to see them after so many years apart? She searched her soul for a way to forgive them but could not find a reason. Her thoughts turned to Jane. Jane was the one saving grace of the afternoon. At least she had smiled at her; had seemed pleased to see her. Just as that thought came to mind, she heard someone call her name.
Turning around, she saw Jane running towards her. ‘Alice, wait!’
Jane was a little out of breath when she caught up with her. ‘I’m so glad I managed to catch you,’ she said, smiling.