Alice could only stare at her, open-mouthed.
‘Alice,’ said Jane, ‘give me your telephone number and I’ll call you, and arrange a date for us to go out. I’d love to introduce you to my friends. I’ve already told a couple of them about you. Anyway, we’ve probably got some friends in common, because you were at Tony’s party.’
‘But... have you spoken to your parents?’ asked Alice.
‘Look, I think things are a bit awkward between Dad and my mum since you’ve returned. Dad didn’t tell me about his previous marriage. My mum’s finding it all a bit much. It can’t be easy to find out that your husband has a child from another marriage that you knew nothing about. I can’t really blame her for not wanting me to get to know you.’
‘Miranda... er.... your mum did know about his previous marriage,’ said Alice.
Jane frowned. ‘Oh... Oh well, maybe she’s just jealous. Who knows?’ she said, shrugging. ‘Anyway, I don’t see why it should stop us getting to know each other. Er... that’s if you still want to?’
‘Yes,’ said Alice quickly, nodding.
‘Good.’ Jane smiled.
Alice took her notebook out of her bag, and wrote down her telephone number. She tore out the page and handed it to Jane.
‘Thanks. I’d better go back to the house; Dad will be on the warpath if he realises I’ve come out to see you.’ She rolled her eyes. She turned to walk away and then twisted back towards Alice. ‘Look, don’t worry, they’ll come round. I’m sure Dad will want to get to know you. He’s just worried about how it will affect me if we get close, and maybe worried about upsetting my mum.’
Alice nodded.
‘I’ll phone you,’ said Jane, holding up the sheet of paper with Alice’s telephone number written on it.
‘Great,’ said Alice, smiling.
As she watched Jane walk away, she was left with mixed feelings. It was good to know that Jane wanted to get to know her, but the treatment she had received from her parents left a bitter taste in her mouth; and knowing that Jane still didn’t know the whole truth was also a worry. Would that change everything again when she found out?
Alice turned around and began walking towards the Tube station, confusion uppermost in her mind: why did her parents hate her so much? Was it because they didn’t want Jane to find out about the surrogacy agreement? But Jane seemed to have accepted her without asking for any specific details. She had just seemed to be happy to have found out that she has a sister; surely her parents could see that? Jane seemed such a nice girl, surely she would understand her parents’ reasons for giving Alice away; for not talking about her? But it seemed to Alice that her parents were just not willing to welcome her to the family. They seemed to resent the fact that she had looked for them. She had shaken the foundations of their happy home—the happy home they had built on lies.
It seemed to Alice, that Ken and Miranda weren’t really worried about the effect all this would have on Jane, they were just being selfish, not wanting her to find out the whole truth because they were worried that she would hate them. If Jane found out they had lied to her for so long, how would she ever be able to believe anything else they said? Alice had no sympathy for them.
Travelling home on the Tube, Alice’s thoughts turned to Stephanie. She couldn’t wait to see her again, especially after her experience today. She needed a familiar face, a smile from someone who cared. As she sat on the Central Line Tube train on that fateful Saturday afternoon, she had an epiphany of sorts; all her life she had defined a mother as someone who gives birth to you, but she knew now that a mother is not someone who gives birth to you, but someone who loves you, and looks after you. Stephanie is my mum, not Miranda.
Strangely, Alice had now managed, after meeting her real parents, to almost put herself back into the position she had been in before she had started looking for her father: she was now aware, and accepted, that Stephanie, was, in every true sense of the word, her mother; her father was now unimportant in her life, just as he had been unimportant throughout her life—it had all come around, full circle. The only thing that had really changed for her was that she had now found her sister; Jane.
As Alice stepped off the train, she found some comfort in the thought that at least she now had the opportunity to build a relationship with her sister. If her parents didn’t want to know her, she would have to live with that.
***
Alice felt happy when she opened the door to Stephanie’s flat, that evening. It felt as though she had just returned home after a long time away. The feeling was a million miles away from the sense of isolation she had felt in her own parents’ house.
‘Hello, darling,’ said Stephanie, cheerfully, as Alice walked through the kitchen door. Stephanie had been standing at the cooker, stirring a saucepan of pasta. She was now walking towards Alice with the wooden spoon still in her hand. Stephanie kissed her on the cheek, and went back to her cooking. ‘I’m making pasta with an Italian sauce. Rosie, from the salon gave me the recipe, I told her I wanted to cook something special for you.’
‘Oh,’ said Alice. ‘That’s nice.’ When she heard Rosie’s name, her mind went back to their recent chat at the salon. A cloud of insecurity descended. She imagined that Stephanie and Rosie must have discussed everything about her search for her father. Alice could picture the scene clearly in her mind...
‘Oh, poor Alice,’ said Rosie. ‘It must have come as such a shock to her finding everything out in this way. I mean, she believed for all these years that you were her mum.’
‘Yes,’ Stephanie nodded, an upside-down smile on her face, ‘I never wanted her to find out. I never wanted to hurt her. She’s coming round to dinner tonight. I want to cook her something special, to cheer her up. Do you know, she wants to go and visit her real parents. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m going to try to persuade her not to.’
‘Oh, poor, poor Alice. She will need cheering up. Well, if you want to cook something really good, I’ve got a recipe for a lovely pasta dish.’
Yes, thought Alice, Rosie and Stephanie probably had just that sort of conversation over a cup of tea at the salon. The feeling of humiliation would not go away. ‘Mum? Does Rosie know about the surrogacy agreement?’
Stephanie's eyes widened as she turned to face Alice. ‘No, of course she doesn’t. Why do you ask?’
‘No reason.’ Alice could not meet her eyes.
‘No one knows. Well, except for Rita. At the time, I told all my friends that you were adopted, but I haven’t kept in touch with any of those people. I met Rosie when you were about six years old. I told her you were my child, because, well... I didn’t want you to know anything at that time. Since then, I’ve always told people you are my real daughter.’
Alice nodded. She could breathe again. At least now she could rest in the knowledge that people she had known for years were not whispering behind her back and pitying her.
‘I mean, if I’d told people that you were adopted, I thought you’d find out somehow. It was to protect you.’ Stephanie had her back towards Alice as she spoke. ‘So, darling, how was work?’ Stephanie changed the subject, turning back towards her.
‘I didn’t go to work,’ explained Alice. ‘I went to see my dad and Miranda.’ Alice could not bring herself to refer to Miranda as “Mum”.
‘Oh!’ Stephanie dropped the wooden spoon onto the floor. ‘Oh, no. Now look what I’ve done!’
‘I’ll clear it up,’ said Alice, realising that Stephanie had not taken the news well.
‘I didn’t think you would be going to see them so soon,’ said Stephanie, watching Alice clean the pasta sauce from the floor where she had dropped the spoon.
‘Neither did I,’ said Alice. ‘I just decided this morning that I had to go and see them.’
‘How did it go?’ Stephanie was looking at Alice now, but her face was pale and her eyes distant.
‘I don't really want to talk about it.’ Alice washed her hands, and sat at the table.
Ste
phanie served the pasta and sauce into two large plates on the table. ‘You know you can talk to me about anything that's bothering you, don't you?’ she said as she sat opposite Alice at the table, a concerned frown on her face.
‘This tastes nice,’ said Alice, avoiding the question.
‘Did your dad upset you? If he did, please don't take it to heart—he's always been selfish. I warned you, didn't I?’
‘I said I don't want to talk about it.’
‘I just want to know that you're not upset about anything,’ said Stephanie, taking a bite of her food.
‘I'm really okay,’ said Alice. ‘One good thing came out of the meeting, if you must know. Jane was there and she’s really nice. She asked for my telephone number, and we’re going to meet up again.’
‘Oh, that’s nice,’ said Stephanie, smiling at her. 'Would you like some parmesan?’ She waved the carton of grated cheese in front of Alice. ‘It’s recommended in the recipe.’
‘Yes, okay,’ said Alice, taking the cheese carton from her, and daring to believe that she would not ask any further questions about the meeting with her parents. She started to sprinkle the cheese onto the dish.
‘Stop me if I'm being too nosy, but I'm curious as to what your father had to say for himself after all these years.’
Alice wanted to disappear. She had preferred it when Stephanie had been totally against her having anything to do with her real parents. Now, she seemed to have accepted that Alice wanted to get to know them. What she really wanted at this moment was for Stephanie to start saying that she should forget about them, then she could agree with her and say that she didn’t want to see them again. She carried on eating, hoping that Stephanie would forget she had asked her anything.
‘What does your dad think about you seeing Jane again? I would have thought he'd be against it. He's always been a miserable so and so.’ Stephanie rolled her eyes. ‘What excuse did he have for not contacting you for all these years?’
Tears began to well in Alice's eyes and her cheeks turned red.
Stephanie appeared to notice and lowered her eyes. ‘Sorry, I'm asking too many questions. Please just let me know when you're ready to talk about it.’ She sipped her glass of wine, keeping her eyes averted from Alice.
Eventually, Alice spoke: ‘He said that the reason they never contacted me... Well, he said, they thought it was better if I didn’t visit them. He said... they said... they don’t want me to...’ she started to explain but her words did not make sense. As she tried to explain she could not continue. She could not stop herself from crying openly. All the frustration of looking for her father, and finally finding him, and the final rejection, had been building up slowly within her, and she could no longer hold it all inside. She tried her best to stop crying, not wanting to upset Stephanie—but the tears continued to fall.
Alice realised that she had been fooling herself that she had taken her parents' rejection well. Her true feelings had been hiding under the surface. When Stephanie had asked her to tell her about her visit, the trauma and pain had resurfaced and it was as if a time bomb had been detonated. The floods of tears seemed never-ending. She was inconsolable.
Stephanie tried her best to cheer her up, telling her that it had probably been a shock to her parents seeing her after all this time and they had probably reacted in the heat of the moment.
‘Please stop crying, darling. Look, finish your dinner. You’ll probably feel better after a meal. You’re probably just hungry and tired after your journey.’
They ate their dinner in complete silence. The only sound was of knives and forks clanging, and Alice’s intermittent sobs.
After dinner, Alice told Stephanie that she was tired and wanted to go home. ‘I’ll feel much better tomorrow. It’s just hard facing up to the fact that they don't care about me. But I should have known that already… I mean, if they cared they would have tried to contact me before, wouldn't they?’ Her brown eyes looked mournful and lost.
Bloody Roger, thought Stephanie, I’ll kill him if I ever lay eyes on him.
‘Why don’t you stay here tonight?’ she offered, worried about Alice's state of mind.
‘No, I’ll be fine. Thanks for everything.’ She smiled weakly and walked towards the front door.
‘Alice, forget about Roger and Miranda. Let’s go back to how we were before. We were happy then.’
‘Yes, I know, Mum.’ Then Alice realised that she had called Stephanie “Mum”, and for the first time since finding out the truth it had felt like the right thing to do. She started to believe that maybe it would be possible to go back to how things were before. Hope was calling out to her where before there had been nothing but darkness.
***
Stephanie watched Alice walk away. The anger she felt towards Roger and Miranda was threatening to give way to thoughts of revenge. She took deep breaths and tried to calm her mind. How could they have turned her away like that? She was trembling with rage as the adrenaline coursed through her. I have to do something. Alice needs my help. But what? What can I do? She decided to phone Rita. Maybe she could help her rationalise everything.
‘Hello,’ said Rita.
‘Oh, Rita, sorry to keep bothering you. You must be sick of me by now,’ said Stephanie.
‘Don't be silly,’ replied Rita, with a giggle.
‘Something's happened and I'm at my wits’ end. I feel like killing someone but I know that would be going too far… Well, I usually know that would be going too far, but today? I think anything is possible.’
‘Steph, wait, rewind. What has happened? You sound upset.’
‘Alice went to visit Roger and Miranda, and they told her they don’t want anything to do with her! They don’t want to know her. She was so upset. She was crying for hours. I just don’t know what to do.’ Her words were tumbling quickly from her mouth like dominoes falling one after the other.
‘Why on earth would they do that? When—I mean, well, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. If I was in that position I would have been happy to see my son... I... I... I mean my daughter, after all those years.’
‘Do you think I should visit them?’ asked Stephanie, still caught up in her own thoughts and not having really taken in what Rita was saying.
‘I can't figure out how their minds work,’ said Rita. 'Why would they turn Alice away?’
‘Yes, but do you think I should go and give them a piece of my mind?’
‘Steph, there's something I haven't told you. I didn’t tell you, because of what you’re going through at the moment. It would have sounded wrong if I was giving you advice about Alice, if you knew the truth,’ said Rita, cryptically.
‘What is it?’ asked Stephanie, impatiently, not happy about the detour in the conversation, wanting to get back to the matter at hand.
‘I gave my son up for adoption when he was born,’ said Rita suddenly. ‘The reason I left London was because I became pregnant and Peter’s father didn’t want anything to do with me. My parents disowned me as soon as they found out. I was an embarrassment to them because I was unmarried. I went and stayed with my aunt in Birmingham, until Peter was born. I had to give him up for adoption because I didn’t have anyone to support me and I couldn’t afford to raise him on my own.’
‘Oh, Rita,’ said Stephanie, ‘that's so sad… but why didn’t you tell me any of this before?'
‘Because, I thought you would be upset. I knew you had tried so hard to have a child of your own, and I gave my child away.’
‘But surely you didn’t have to give him away. Why did you? You could have come to me at the time. We were close. I would have helped you. Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘I couldn’t, Steph. When I found out I was pregnant, I was so shocked I didn’t know what to do. Everything happened so fast. It was around the time when you were having problems in your marriage with Roger. You’d been telling me how Roger wasn’t coming home, and he was working late all the time. You had enough problems. Anyway, at the
beginning I was seriously thinking of having an abortion, and I didn’t think you’d agree with that, not after all you’d been through trying to have a child. I didn’t want to get in your way; you were so upset about everything. If I’d turned up on your doorstep, I thought I’d make everything worse between you and Roger. I never really got on with Roger, anyway—you know that.’
‘But, Rita, if only I’d known. So, do you know where your son is now?’
‘He still lives with his adoptive family, but he visits me. He found me a few years ago and got in touch. It was so hard living without him, knowing I had a son out there. I always thought about him. I was so pleased to see him. I just don’t know how Roger and Miranda could have turned Alice away. I was so shocked to hear that.’
Stephanie remained silent and lost in thought. She hadn’t even known Rita was seeing anyone at that time, let alone the fact that she had become pregnant. How did that get past me? she wondered. It made her question herself for a moment. Rita had always been there to listen to her problems, but it appeared she had never taken the time to find out what was going on in Rita’s life.
‘Steph, are you still there?’
‘Yes.’
‘Well, you see, I didn’t tell you about this before, because I thought you would think I was being hypocritical if I said anything against Roger and Miranda. I knew you needed my support, though,’ Rita explained.
‘So, everything you said, you were just being a shoulder to cry on? You didn’t really mean any of it, did you?’ Stephanie’s mind was frantically running through all the conversations they’d had recently. ‘I wish I’d never told you about any of this,’ she said, speaking her thoughts.
‘Steph, you’re letting your imagination run away with you. I meant everything I said. I only held back telling you about Peter because I knew that it would change the way you felt about talking to me. I wanted to help you, and I knew I could because I’m someone who’s been through it.’
‘No,’ said Stephanie, ‘you’re someone who’s been through what Roger and Miranda are going through... Wait a minute, you were the one who told me that I should tell Alice about Miranda. You were on their side all along, weren’t you?’