‘Jane doesn’t know the whole story. She thinks she and Alice are half-sisters; that Alice is my daughter from my first marriage.’
‘So, explain it to her. It won’t be that difficult. If Alice has accepted it, surely Jane will.’
He looked at her as if he were about to say something else, but then he shook his head. ‘I can’t. Not right now—’
‘When then? In another twenty years time?’
‘I don’t know if there’ll ever be a good time to tell Jane. Sorry.’
‘You’re so selfish. You haven’t changed. Always thinking of what’s best for you.’ She shook her head. ‘What? You don’t want Jane to realise how fickle your emotions are; how it was so easy for you to leave your wife and child for a woman you hardly knew? Is that it?’
‘Our marriage had ended long before I met Miranda,’ he said, looking her directly in the eye, a scowl on his face.
‘Yes, because you were such a lousy husband.’
‘What would you know?’ he said. ‘Have you found a perfect husband now?’
‘I don’t see what my relationship status has to do with this conversation.’
‘You’re still single, aren’t you?’ He nodded.
‘I was left to bring up a child on my own, thanks to you. I didn’t have time to go out and look for another man.’
‘I knew it. You know nothing about real love. What Miranda and I share is real love. But that is something you’ll never know about.’
Stephanie stood up. ‘I don’t know why I bothered coming here,’ she said. ‘I came to ask you to acknowledge your daughter, and all you can do is throw stones.’
‘Well, you’ve said everything you wanted to say.’ He stood up and walked towards the door. ‘I think you should leave.’
Stephanie picked up her handbag from the sofa. ‘I can understand that you wouldn’t want to talk to me about this. Anyway, yes, you’re right: I’ve said what I came to say. It’s your loss if Alice never wants to see you again. She’s a wonderful child. You’ve got a chance to get to know her, but you’re going to miss out. I never wanted her to look for you. I told her you’d be like this. She didn’t believe me. She was determined to find you, and now you’ve turned her away, shattered her illusions. You say you’re happy with your new family, but I don’t know how you can be happy, when you’ve made your daughter so sad.’
‘Please just go,’ he said.
‘Okay, I’m going. I wouldn’t want to be here any longer than I have to. You’re a cold, hard man, and I’m glad you left me when you did. Do you really want Alice to have this image of you? Don’t you want the chance to be part of her life?’ She shook her head. ‘Good-bye, Roger. Have a nice life.’
She slammed the living room door as she left. From the corner of her eye she saw a figure. Turning to her right, she saw a woman wearing large spectacles, standing a few feet away. It was Miranda. Stephanie was surprised at how old she looked. Her hair was grey. Stephanie’s hair had gone grey years ago, but she always dyed it a warm auburn shade; she would not dream of leaving it grey. She knew that Miranda had been listening to her conversation with Roger. Why hadn’t she joined them? The conversation had been as much about her as about Roger. She’s probably too embarrassed; too much of a coward to face the truth and the consequences of what she’s done, thought Stephanie.
‘Stephanie,’ said Miranda, reaching out a hand and walking towards her. As she came closer, Stephanie could see that she seemed sad, and her face had many lines and wrinkles. Stephanie turned away without acknowledging her, and left through the front door.
***
On Sunday, Alice spent most of the morning cleaning her flat. She had slept well, the night before. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she had fallen asleep, and she had not woken up until 10 a.m. The events of the past two weeks had left her physically and mentally exhausted; it had all finally caught up with her. The sleep had been like a tonic and had left her feeling so much better.
In the afternoon, as the weather was so good, she went to the local park. After going for a walk to clear her head, she sat on a bench for a couple of hours, reading a book. It was a pleasant atmosphere as people walked by enjoying the sun, and children ran about and played.
In the evening, Jenny phoned her. She was eager to find out about her meeting with her father.
‘What’s he like?’ asked Jenny in her typically jovial voice.
‘Um... he... To cut a long story short, I don’t think I’ll be visiting him again.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. What happened? That’s if you don’t mind talking about it.’
‘He was very cold. He said he doesn’t think we should keep in touch.’
‘He was probably shocked to see you. Did you tell him you were visiting?’
‘Yes, of course I did. It wasn’t that. He just doesn’t want to know me.’
‘Sorry, Allie. That’s shocking. But... maybe when he gets used to the fact that you are back in his life, maybe he’ll change his mind.’
‘I don’t really care,’ said Alice, and only then realised that it was true. What she had wanted was to meet him, and now she had done that. She had discovered that he was not a very nice man. She didn’t really care if she never saw him again. She surprised herself with her thoughts.
‘So, now you’ve met your dad, do you think you’ll start looking for your mum? Maybe she’ll be nicer?’ said Jenny.
‘I don’t think so,’ said Alice, thinking of Miranda. ‘To tell you the truth, I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s a reason I’m not with my real parents. They’re just not supposed to be in my life. I don’t see a reason to look for my mum. I already have a mum.’
‘Good for you, Allie. I have to say, I kind of agree with that; I can’t imagine ever giving away a child, and anyone who does can’t be much of a maternal person. You’re better off without her.’
‘Hmm... I hadn’t thought of it like that, but it does make sense. I mean, if she was really that concerned about me, she would have tried to find me by now, wouldn’t she?’
‘Yeah.’
‘So, how have you been, Jen?’
‘Oh, fine. Trying to make the most of the last couple of weeks before we have to go back to uni. Time has gone so fast!’
‘That’s true.’
‘Oh, before I forget, I’ve got Andrew’s phone number for you.’
Alice’s mouth fell open. After she’d composed herself, she couldn’t help the smile that played on her lips. Jenny gave her the telephone number, and Alice felt truly happy then, for the first time in weeks.
‘So, when are you gonna call him?’
‘Um... soon.’
‘I want to be the first to know everything!’ said Jenny.
‘You will be.’ Alice giggled.
‘I’ve got to go, Allie, but I’ll see you at uni. Oh, and try not to be too downhearted about your dad. If you need to talk, I’m here, okay?’
‘Thanks, Jen. But one good thing that came out of my visit to see him was that I met up with Jane, and I gave her my phone number. So, we’ll probably keep in touch.’
‘That’s great news,’ said Jenny. ‘If you do plan to go out anywhere with her, let me know—I’d love to join you.’
After getting off the phone with Jenny, Alice knew she had to phone Andrew. Somehow, whenever she thought of him she felt calm and full of hope for the future. He was like a cure for her pain.
She smiled to herself as she dialled the number.
‘Hello,’ said a man’s voice.
‘Hello,’ said Alice, nervously. ‘Is that Andrew?’
‘No. Hang on, I’ll get him.’
Alice waited, wondering whether she should put down the phone. Every second that passed made her doubt herself just a little bit more. What am I doing? What should I say to him?
‘Hello,’ said Andrew, and she recognised his voice immediately.
‘Oh, hello. It’s Alice.’
‘Oh, Alice, hi. How are you?
’
‘Fine,’ she said, but had no idea what to say next.
‘Thanks for phoning,’ he said, saving her. ‘I’m glad you did.’
She hoped Andrew would continue the conversation, as she had run out of words.
‘So,’ he said, after a pause which seemed to last for ever. ‘Would you like to go out sometime?’
‘Yes, I’d love to,’ she said, grateful that the silence had been broken, but hoping she had not sounded too desperate.
‘How about Wednesday night? We could go for a meal. Do you like Chinese?’
‘Yes, I do, that sounds great.’ She could feel her heart pounding.
‘Well, I could pick you up at about eight o’clock, if you give me your address.’
‘Okay.’ She dictated her address and they agreed to meet.
When she put down the phone, she couldn’t stop smiling. All the heartache of the past few weeks faded into insignificance. She loved Andrew, and he loved her back. Nothing else mattered.
Chapter Fifteen
Monday 25th August 1997
Rob Bairns greeted Alice as she walked into the bookstore. ‘Hello, Alice. So, is everything all right now?’
Her eyes widened. Rob smiled at her sympathetically.
She walked over to the counter avoiding his eyes; she could feel her face reddening. Was he talking about her meeting with her parents? How had he found out? Had Charlotte mentioned to him that she was looking for her father? Had he overheard their conversation? Had he guessed that she had gone to visit them?
Paranoia infiltrated her thoughts: ‘Um... What do you mean?’ she snapped back, nervously.
Rob narrowed his eyes at her, and said, ‘You had the flu on Saturday. Are you feeling better?’
Alice breathed a sigh of relief, and realised how absurd her suspicion had been that Rob would know she had been to visit her parents on Saturday. She twisted around to face him and smiled brightly. ‘Yes. It was terrible, I was in bed all weekend, but I’m feeling much better now.’
‘Good,’ said Rob, with a frown on his face, obviously now suspecting that she had lied about her illness. She kept the smile on her face, hoping that would make up for it.
The memory of the meeting with her parents was always there. If only it were possible to switch off the part of her mind that held the memory, she would do just that. The night before, she had lain awake in bed unable to sleep for a long time, thinking it over and over. For the sake of her sanity she made the decision to stop worrying about it; to accept their decision. They didn’t want to know her.
It upset her when she thought of Jane, though. It was possible that her parents might use their influence to brainwash her into believing that it would be wrong to keep in touch with her sister. There was also the possibility that Jane might feel unable to contact Alice, knowing her parents were so against it—torn between her loyalty for them and her desire to get to know her sister. Alice felt it would be unfair to force the issue; she would have to wait for Jane to contact her in her own time.
The only sensible answer she could see was to get on with her life with or without any further contact with Jane or her parents. She felt almost mournful over the situation, as if some part of her had died. Although she was aware she would have to try her best to move forward, she had the feeling that she would always be looking back and wondering why. It was something she was sure she would never be able to understand.
‘Alice,’ said Charlotte, ‘do you prefer this colour or this one?’
Alice snapped out of her deep thoughts and saw that Charlotte had placed two lipsticks on the counter. One was a dark burgundy colour and the other was cherry red. ‘Um,’ she replied, ‘I think I prefer the darker one.’
‘It’s for tonight,’ said Charlotte, a wide grin on her face, ‘Dave is taking me to this really glamorous restaurant in the city. Apparently, all the celebrities go there. I want to look my best.’ Charlotte put the lipsticks back into her pink make-up bag. ‘Yeah, I think you’re right; I’ll wear the dark red one. It’s more sophisticated, isn’t it?’
‘Yes,’ said Alice, not really having an opinion one way or the other.
‘Oh, yeah, have you called Andrew yet?’
‘Um, yes,’ she smiled.
The two girls were standing behind the counter in the bookstore. There was only one customer in the shop, browsing around the fiction section.
‘So, what did he say?’ Charlotte asked.
‘Well, we’re going out.’ Alice blushed.
‘Wow, that’s great. When? Maybe we could double-date. I can’t wait to meet him, and I’m dying to introduce you to Dave. He’s so gorgeous.’
‘Um... I don’t think we could afford to dine in an expensive restaurant.’
‘Hmm... Oh yeah, I forgot Andrew’s a student as well. Alice, you really should aim higher, you’re a pretty girl. Do you know how nice it is to be wined and dined by a rich man? Andrew will hardly be able to whisk you away for a romantic weekend on a student grant, will he?’
‘Yes, but I really like Andrew.’
‘I know, honey, he’s your first love and you’re starry eyed, but you’ll learn. My Nan once said to me, it’s always best to find a rich man. She said: “They all leave you in the end, but at least with a rich man you’ll be left with the expensive gifts”. All I’m saying is, keep your options open.’
Alice forced a smile. ‘It’s only our first date. I don’t know anything about him really.’
‘Well the first thing you need to find out is whether he has any aspirations for the future. Even if he’s not rich now, he could be. Find out what kind of job he wants to do. Face it—you don’t want to end up supporting him, do you? You’re studying to be a lawyer, right? The last thing you want is to be married to a guy who’s earning less than you.’ Charlotte raised her eyebrows.
‘Money isn’t everything, Charlotte.’ Alice frowned.
‘No... you’re right. But my mum always says, when you ask most people what they want out of life, nine times out of ten, people want more money. Us girls are in a position to grab ourselves a man who can make sure that we never want for anything.’
‘But love is just as important,’ retorted Alice.
Charlotte smiled at her. ‘Believe me, Alice, I have watched all of those romantic movies too; I’ve even been an extra in some of them,’ she giggled. ‘Love is important, yes. But let me ask you this: would you want to be living on the streets with the man you love, or in a mansion with a man you don’t really care that much about but who buys you lots of things?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t want to be living on the streets, no one would—’
‘My point exactly,’ said Charlotte. ‘I rest my case.’
Alice rolled her eyes, and was glad when the one customer in the store approached her with a question.
***
Alice got home at 6.30 p.m. and switched on the television. She watched the news, and ate her takeaway meal. When she went into the kitchen to throw away the remains of her meal, she noticed the letter that she had received from the local hospital the week before. The letter was still lying on the kitchen table, where she had left it. She had generally ignored it, each day, as she sat at the table, but she knew that she would now have to make a decision as to whether she would keep the appointment or not. The appointment date was Tuesday the 26th of August. Tomorrow. 10.30 a.m.
Alice had not felt any pain in her arm for nearly two weeks, and didn’t really feel that she needed to go for any tests, but she remembered how painful her arm had been, and wondered whether she should just go to the hospital for her own peace of mind. She shrugged her shoulders and resolved to make the decision in the morning.
After watching EastEnders, Alice decided to phone Stephanie, and invite her over for a meal. It had been such a long time since Stephanie had been to her flat, and Alice wanted to do something to thank her for standing by her. It had been a terrible time. Alice was sure she wouldn’t have survived the past couple of wee
ks without her. Stephanie had been on her side even when she had gone against her wishes and insisted on looking for her father. Alice dialled the number.
‘Hello.’
‘Hi, Mum, how are you?’
‘Um... I’m fine, darling,’ said Stephanie, feeling slightly concerned that Alice may have found out about her visit to see Roger.
‘Good. Listen,’ continued Alice, ‘I wanted to invite you to my flat, for a change. I’m always coming to yours. Why don’t you come for a meal tomorrow evening?’
‘Oh, I’d love to, darling,’ said Stephanie, catching her breath, glad that Alice had not mentioned anything about Roger, ‘but I’ve invited Rita and her son over to dinner tomorrow. What about Wednesday?’
‘I’m going out on Wednesday.’ She smiled as she thought of Andrew. ‘How about Thursday?’
‘Yes, I think I’m free on Thursday.’
‘About seven-thirty?’
‘Okay,’
‘Great, I’ll see you then.’
‘Wait, Alice; have you heard anything more from your father or Miranda?’ Although she knew she was hoping against hope, she felt curious to discover whether her visit had had any affect on them.
‘No, I haven’t. Why do you ask?’ Alice frowned, unwelcome thoughts flooding her mind. She had been trying to forget about them.
‘Oh, no reason. Just wondered.’
‘Well, I really don’t think I would be hearing from them after Saturday, do you? They made it perfectly clear they don’t want anything to do with me. Anyway, I don’t care about them anymore. I don’t need them.’ Her mood was now dampened as she fought with her conscience once again. On the one hand, she felt guilty harbouring ill will; but on the other hand, she hated them for rejecting her so coldly.
‘That’s true.’ Stephanie’s voice pulled her out of her deep thoughts. ‘You’ve managed quite well without them for long enough.’
‘Yeah,’ said Alice, glumly.
‘Anyway, darling, I’ll see you on Thursday. I’m looking forward to it. Bye.’