Again there was silence. Then Stephanie looked at Rita. ‘Have you kept in touch with Helen and Gordon?’
‘No, I haven’t seen them since I left London. What are they doing these days?’
‘I’m not sure. I did hear they had three children and one of them became a doctor.’
‘Oh, that’s nice,’ said Rita. ‘I always liked Helen.’
Alice began to feel a bit out of place as her mother continued to discuss old times with her friend. When there was a break in the conversation, she stood up and said, ‘I’d better be going. It was lovely to see you again, Rita.’
‘I’ll call you tonight, love,’ said Stephanie.
‘Okay.’ With that, Alice left the room. She was tempted to hang around in the hallway to see whether her mother and Rita would continue the conversation they’d been having before she’d interrupted them, but as if able to read her mind, Stephanie followed her out of the kitchen and saw her out of the front door.
Stephanie returned to the kitchen table after seeing Alice out.
‘She seems like such a lovely girl,’ said Rita.
‘Yes, she is.’
‘So much like Roger. It was almost like having him in the room with us.’
‘Hmm... not quite.’ Stephanie laughed dryly. ‘Roger is not a nice person, whereas my Alice is lovely.’
Rita frowned. After taking a sip of tea, she looked at Stephanie, and said, ‘You seem to be harbouring a lot of hate towards him still.’
‘I just don’t like the way he left us and never kept in touch with Alice.’
‘So, what are you going to do about the fact that she’s now interested in finding him?’
‘I’m going to try to dissuade her.’
‘Is that wise?’
Stephanie broke a biscuit in two and began to nibble it. Then, sighing, she said, ‘I don’t know what else to do. If she finds him, he might tell her about the surrogacy. I wouldn’t want her to find out about it from him.’
‘That’s why you should tell her.’
‘But... No. I can’t.’ Stephanie fingered the lace tablecloth, nervously, looking towards the yellow roses as if they would hold the answer.
‘What choice do you have? If Alice finds Roger and he tells her, she’ll be upset that you’ve lied to her for so many years.’
‘It wasn’t lying.’
‘Well, what else is it? She thinks you’re her mum.’
‘I am her mum. Miranda wasn’t there to change her nappies, feed her, bath her, play with her, comfort her when she was crying—’
‘I know, but Alice won’t see it like that. She has a right to know who her real mother is.’
‘Why? She never wanted her. Is she going to feel better if I tell her that her real mother wanted money in exchange for her child? Wouldn’t she feel worse knowing that?’
‘It’s not going to be easy to explain it, but... If I recall rightly, didn’t you and Roger say at the time that you were going to explain it all to her when she was old enough to understand?’
‘Yes, we did.’ Stephanie frowned. ‘Things changed. If Roger and I had stayed together then maybe we would have told her. But when he left, I couldn’t do it to her. How could I tell her that not only had her dad left her, but her mother had sold her at birth?’
‘You and I know that the surrogacy agreement wasn’t really like a sale. I mean, if you and Roger hadn’t wanted a child, she wouldn’t have been born. She was wanted. You and Roger wanted her. Miranda was just helping you to have the child you’d always wanted. If you explained it to her like that —’
‘I can’t.’
‘All I’m saying is, it would be better coming from you than coming from Roger.’
‘I just can’t understand why she wants to find Roger now. She’s hardly mentioned him before.’
‘It was bound to happen, Steph.’ Rita looked at the clock. ‘I’m going to have to go, but if you need to talk about this again, let me know. You’ve got my number. I can help you tell Alice if you want.’
‘No,’ said Stephanie. ‘I’m not planning on telling her. I’m just going to see what happens. Chances are, Roger won’t want to know her anyway. I’ve warned her about that.’
‘People change, Steph. He isn’t necessarily the same person he was twenty years ago. He’s older now. He might want to know his daughter. He might have other children.’
Stephanie stood up and started clearing away the tea cups and saucers. ‘Thanks for coming over, Rita. It was great to see you after so many years.’ She looked at the table as she spoke.
‘Yes. Yes... it was good to meet up, and we must meet up again soon. Let’s not lose touch now.’
Stephanie sighed and looked at her friend. ‘I think it would be best if you didn’t come here anymore. I don’t want Alice to start asking you questions. She might ask you something about Roger.’
‘I...’
‘I’m not saying I don’t want to keep in touch. We can meet at your house, or elsewhere, but just not here. I don’t want to risk Alice making you feel uncomfortable.’
‘I still think you should tell her everything. It’s best out in the open.’
‘I need to think about it,’ said Stephanie, as she walked out of the kitchen towards the front door. She looked behind her, waiting for Rita to follow.
‘Okay, you’re the only one who can decide, Steph.’ Rita smiled sympathetically as she left the flat.
Once alone, Stephanie sighed deeply as she realised how easy it would have been for Alice to have overheard them talking about her today. For years, she had planned to keep this information from Alice for ever, thinking it was for the best. Now, her control over the matter was slipping away bit by bit. Alice wanted to know about Roger, and Rita had come back into her life bringing with her memories of the surrogacy. As much as she wanted to ignore it, Stephanie could see that time was almost running out on her secret.
***
Ever since returning from her mother’s flat, Alice had wandered around in a state of unease. ‘You should tell Alice. She has a right to know,’ Rita had said. Know what? Alice had pondered that all day. It was definitely something about her father, she felt sure; after all, Rita had known her father.
Her mind would give her no peace. So, that evening, she decided to phone her mother.
‘Oh, hello darling,’ said Stephanie. She hoped that Alice would not be able to tell from her voice that she had been crying.
‘Mum, I couldn’t really talk to you earlier because Rita was there, but the reason I came to see you was to say sorry about asking about my dad. I know I upset you. I was just curious.’
Stephanie could hardly contain her sense of relief. She covered the mouthpiece of the telephone and took a deep breath. Could this mean Alice would forget about trying to find Roger? ‘Oh, I knew you’d see sense,’ she said, on a sigh. ‘You’ve made the right decision. It would have been foolish to try to find him after all these years, I’m so relieved.’
‘But Mum—’ Alice tried to interrupt.
Stephanie spoke over her: ‘Thanks so much for those roses, darling. They brighten up the kitchen.’
‘I know how much you like yellow roses.’
‘We’re happy together you and me, aren’t we, darling? We don’t need anyone else. Please try to understand that if I thought it would be a good idea for you to meet your father I would help you. I only want what’s best for you.’
Alice’s heart sank. Why was her mother so against the idea? Surely, it made sense that a girl would want to know who her father is, even if just to satisfy her curiosity? Alice still felt a desire to meet him, but now she knew that she would have to go behind her mother’s back.
‘How’s your arm?’ asked Stephanie, interrupting her musings.
‘It’s fine.’
‘Have you been to see the doctor? What did he say?’
‘He said it’s nothing.’
‘Hmm... maybe you should get a second opinion.’
‘M
um?’
‘Yes, dear.’
‘About my dad, I still want to find him. I know you don’t want to be involved, but it’s important to me to meet him.’
Stephanie felt a familiar panic wash over her. ‘But... Alice, think about it... If your father wanted to find you, he knows where we live; it would be easy for him. I don’t want you to be disappointed.’
Alice thought about that for a moment and began to feel that her mother could have a point. What if she went to meet him and he shut the door in her face and totally rejected her? Would that be worse than this in-between place of not knowing? She sighed and said, ‘I have questions about him, and I want to know if he has other children. I might have brothers or sisters that I don’t know about.’
‘It’s just curiosity, darling. The grass is always greener on the other side. Even if he does have children, they might not want to know you. Rita and her brother had a falling out nearly twenty years ago and they never see each other. Family is not all it’s cracked up to be. Me and you, we’re happy. Why can’t you just let sleeping dogs lie?’ Frustration crept over Stephanie's brow and creased the lines closer together. She tried to hold in the anger that rose steadily and threatened to take over. The height of her emotions surprised her, but all she could recall in her mind was the cold way Roger had left her all those years ago and his indifference to Alice who was then a helpless child. Everything inside her was screaming at the injustice that he should be able to have a relationship with the daughter he so cruelly rejected, just because they had some overrated blood-tie.
Alice rolled her eyes. ‘Mum, it’s important to me. Okay, maybe I might meet him and be disappointed, but I don’t want to live my life wondering “what if?”. Remember that plane crash? When you saw the picture of the girl in the paper, you said she reminded you of me. Well, the next day, I saw her picture in the paper and I was shocked. She does look a lot like me. Her surname is Forester, just like my dad’s. It has stirred up all these feelings. I’ve been feeling like there are missing pieces to my puzzle—like I’m incomplete—and all of this searching for my dad, it’s to try to piece everything together.’
‘Your father walked out on us both. He’s a cold man. You should forget all of this.’
‘Do you know something about my dad that you’re not telling me?’
‘Like what?’
‘Well, do you know if that girl in the paper is related to him?’
‘Oh, Alice, you’re getting carried away with some fantasy. I have not seen or heard anything from your father for many years and I hope to never see or hear from him again.’
‘If you could give me his last known address, I could take it from there. You don’t have to be involved in the search.’
‘You still want to go ahead with looking for him, even after all I’ve said?’
‘Mum, just because I’m going to look for him, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you. This is just something I have to do for myself.’
‘You’re making a mistake.’
‘I’m willing to make a mistake, I just don’t want to be wondering about it for ever and wishing I’d looked him up.’
‘Take a bit of time, and think about it. I really don’t think you should look for him.’ Stephanie wondered whether the desperation in her voice was too obvious. Her mind was spinning. What will happen if she finds him? What will he say about me? What if she finds out about the surrogacy?
‘Do you have his last known address?’
‘No. I don’t.’
‘You’re not just hiding it from me, are you? Please—’
‘I didn’t hear a thing from your father after he left, except when he contacted me through solicitors for a divorce. I have no idea where he was living and I really couldn’t care less.’
‘Does Rita know where he was living?’
‘How would Rita know? She left London before your father and I split up.’
‘It’s just that when I came to the flat today, I heard her saying “Alice has a right to know”. What was she talking about?’
Stephanie tensed, worrying whether Alice had heard anything about the surrogacy agreement; whether she had heard enough to put two and two together. ‘Um... I think I mentioned that you wanted to find your father, and Rita just said you had a right to know him. I didn’t agree, and I still don’t agree with that. He messed up my life and he’d do the same to yours given half a chance.’
Alice could hear she was becoming upset. ‘Okay, Mum, look, I’ll think about what you’ve said.’
An audible sigh was heard from Stephanie.
‘Thank you. You’re a sensible girl. When you think it through, you’ll understand what I mean.’
When Alice put down the phone she was left confused and began to wonder if she should just take her mother’s advice and forget about her father.
***
Stephanie knew when she put down the phone, that she would have to make a decision now; either to tell the whole truth to Alice or somehow contact Roger. She hadn’t been telling the truth to Rita or Alice when she’d told them that she had no idea where he’d moved to after they separated. The divorce petition had his address on it. For some reason, the address had stuck in her mind and she could remember it to this day: 25, Orchard’s Mews, Witney, Oxford. She had read that divorce petition from cover to cover at least a hundred times.
She had not had any contact with Roger for about two years before she received the divorce petition, and it had come as quite a shock to her. She had never really missed him before she’d received the petition, and had often told herself she was glad to be living without him; without the constant arguments. For some reason, however, when he’d filed for divorce, it had made everything seem so final. It had saddened her, and she’d been almost reluctant to agree to the divorce.
As she pondered the past, she began to wonder whether Roger had another family now. It was very likely he did. He had been planning to remarry, and that was the reason he’d given for wanting the divorce. She knew it was possible he still lived at 25 Orchard’s Mews, Oxford. After all, she still lived at the same flat that she’d been living in at the time of the divorce. Even if Roger didn’t live at that address, she knew it would not be hard to find him. Roger’s parents’ address was in the old box that contained the photographs of Roger. She had not kept in contact with his parents, but she was almost certain that they would be living at the same address. When she had known them, they had always said that they would never leave that house. It had belonged to Roger’s grandparents and he would inherit it one day. His parents would know where he lived now. Then, she found herself wondering whether they were still alive. Maggie Forester, Roger’s mother, had been such a lovely woman. Alice reminded her of Maggie in the way she smiled, and her voice sounded very similar. When she’d been married to Roger, they’d often travelled to America to see his parents. Maggie and Ronald were very friendly and treated Stephanie as if she were their daughter. They said they’d always wanted a daughter, but Maggie had to have a hysterectomy shortly after Roger was born due to problems that ensued after the birth.
Stephanie felt sad thinking that she would never see them again, and then wondered why she was becoming so sentimental. She hadn’t seen them since she’d split with Roger, although Maggie did still send gifts and cards for Alice on her birthday and Christmas until Alice was about ten years old.
It was possible Roger could have moved to America, she mused. He’d often spoken about relocating there for work. She’d often found it easier to think of him living in another country since their break-up. It had been hard for her to come to terms with. Her mind wondered about the plane crash. Alice had spoken of the young girl who looked like her, with the surname Forester. The plane had been flying from Boston. That’s where Roger’s parents lived.
She shook all of those thoughts from her mind and dearly clung on to the hope that she had made Alice think twice about contacting her father. But even as she thought that, she realised that the
seed had been sown. Alice would want to meet with him sooner or later. If it wasn’t now, she’d have to face it again in the future.
She thought about getting in touch with Roger. It would be so strange after all these years. But maybe it would be for the best. She would tell him that she had not told Alice about the surrogacy agreement, and ask him to keep it secret. It was the least he could do after leaving her to bring up Alice on her own.
Deep down, she knew that she would not be able to bring herself to contact Roger. She had built a wall to block out her memories of him, and kept it well maintained for years. Even the thought of having to talk to him or see him again was too much for her. She could not do it. That only left her with one option. She would have to tell Alice everything.
Chapter Six
Saturday 16th August 1997
Alice stood behind the counter in the bookstore and looked around her. It struck her that there seemed to be books on almost every subject imaginable. She wondered whether there were any books in the store that might help her to find her father.
She had racked her brain trying to think of ways to trace him. Living with her mother all her life, she’d not come into contact with any of her father’s relatives. As he’d left home, she never found it odd that she didn’t know them; after all, her mother wouldn’t want to keep in touch with his family after the way he’d walked out on her leaving them both behind. Alice’s family had always been just her and Stephanie. There was no one else to be able to help her put the pieces of the puzzle together. The only person she could think of asking was Rita, but she didn’t want to upset her mother by getting her friend involved. It was going to be difficult trying to find her father alone, but she knew she had to try.
The bookstore was quite busy as it was Saturday, so Alice wasn’t able to browse around looking for a book. She recalled seeing a book when she first started working at the store—a woman had bought it. It was called something like, “The Ultimate Handbook: Researching Your Family Tree.” The title had intrigued her, but as she had been busy with her studies at the time, it had slipped her mind.