Late in the afternoon, when only one customer was browsing the store—a middle-aged woman who seemed to be trying to find a novel to read—Alice began to wander around. She began by checking the “General Reference” section; that seemed like the best place to start her search. She couldn’t see any books about family trees, or tracing missing people.
Rob, the manager walked out of the kitchen area at the back of the shop, holding a cup of coffee. ‘How are things going, Alice?’
‘Um... fine thanks.’ She tried not to look too startled. Oddly, she felt guilty, as if she had been caught stealing.
‘Sold many books?’ he asked, his eyes searching the store and then resting on the lone customer who was still thumbing through the latest best-sellers seemingly trying to make up her mind as to which one to purchase.
‘We’ve been quite busy today,’ said Alice, walking back behind the counter, realising she would not be able to continue her search. ‘We’ve sold quite a few books.’
‘That’s what I like to hear,’ said Rob, taking a sip of coffee.
‘Um... do you know whether we have any books about tracing missing people or long lost relatives? Er... it’s just, a customer was asking about it earlier.’ Alice felt her cheeks redden.
Rob frowned and rubbed his chin. ‘Hmm... I’m not sure. Have you checked the computer records?’
Why didn’t I think of that before? she wondered, feeling stupid. ‘Oh... er... I’ll do that.’
‘I don’t actually think we stock those types of books,’ said Rob, placing his coffee cup on the counter and walking around towards Alice. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, pointing at the computer next to the till.
Alice moved to the side so he could get past.
He began to type something, but after a couple of minutes he shook his head and told her that they didn’t have any books specifically on those subjects; only reference books with chapters containing snippets of information. He said it would be a good idea to order something like that for the store, and he would do so when he next put in an order with his suppliers.
She smiled at him but felt frustrated inside, wondering how on earth she would be able to begin her search.
***
Alice arrived back at her flat at 6 p.m. She was just about to start preparing her evening meal when the phone rang. It was Jenny.
‘Hi, Jen, how are you?’
‘Fine. I’m just calling to let you know the details for the party on Tuesday. We’ll collect you at about eight from yours. The party starts at seven-thirty, but we don’t want to turn up too early; we’ll let it get started before we arrive. Frank’s friend—the one whose birthday it is—is called Tony, and it’s going to be at his house. It’s in Kensington somewhere. Have you decided what you’re going to wear?’
‘Er... No, I’d almost forgotten about the party,’ she lied. It had been at the back of her mind throughout the past few days, and she’d been worrying about what she should wear. Although nervous, she couldn’t wait to see Andrew again. ‘Um... I’ll probably wear jeans with a dressy top.’
‘You should wear a dress; you look great in dresses but you hardly ever wear them. How about that black dress you wore when we went to Sheri’s birthday party?’
‘Yeah, maybe...’
‘You sound a bit down, are you okay?’
‘I had a bit of a disagreement with my mum.’ Alice frowned as she remembered their last conversation.
‘Oh? What about? It’ll probably blow over.’
Alice played with the curly wire attached to the phone, twisting it around her finger as she spoke: ‘It was about my dad.’
‘I thought you never knew your dad.’
‘Yeah, that’s what the argument was about... Well, it wasn’t really an argument, but my mum got upset when I told her that I wanted to find my dad—’
‘You want to find him?’ The shock and surprise in Jenny’s voice was audible.
‘Well... I want to meet him. It’s curiosity I suppose. I want to know if I have any brothers or sisters. You’ve got a brother and a sister, I’ve always envied that.’
‘You can have my brother if you want. He’s mad. And my sister is always stealing my clothes. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, Allie.’
‘You know what I mean, though?’ Alice sighed.
‘Yes, I suppose so. If I were in your shoes, I’d probably be curious too.’
‘My mum won’t help me look for him. She hates him for leaving us.’
‘Well, that’s understandable. He might be a horrible man. There are a lot of them out there.’
‘Yes, but he’s my dad and I want to meet him.’
‘Well... isn’t there someone else you can ask? A relative? One of your mum’s friends?’
Alice thought of Rita and shook her head. ‘I don’t want to involve any of my mum’s friends. It’ll just upset her. And, I don’t have any close relatives.’
‘Hmm... well, have you tried looking up his name in the telephone directory?’
‘That’s a good idea, but I don’t know if he still lives in London... or even in England.’
‘Well, it’s worth a try,’ said Jenny. ‘I’ll help you if you like. We’ll talk about it on Tuesday when I see you. In the meantime, try not to worry. Just think of Andrew!’
Alice giggled and felt pleased that her friend was on the other end of the phone line and couldn’t see her blushes. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘See you on Tuesday.’
When Alice put down the phone, her first thought was whether she had any telephone directories in the flat. She was pleased that she’d spoken to Jenny about it; Jenny was always so practical and positive about things. Over the past few days the confusion in Alice’s mind had made it hard for her to concentrate on anything and she hadn’t even considered the possibility that her father’s telephone number could be sitting there in a telephone directory waiting for her to call it.
She looked around her flat, sure that she’d had a telephone directory at some time, but all she could find was the Yellow Pages. Her mother had some telephone directories at home, so she decided she would visit her tomorrow and try to have a look through them. Feeling more optimistic, she settled down to supper with her mind firmly set on the party, images of Andrew illuminated in her mind.
Chapter Seven
Sunday 17th August 1997
Alice woke up at ten o’clock. She had dreamt about Andrew. It didn’t surprise her because she had spent so much time the evening before thinking about him. Jenny’s phone call had brought the party to the forefront of her mind and it was a welcome change for her to think about something other than her family problems.
She had thought about Andrew quite a lot over the past few months. They had never really spoken to each other but she had admired him from afar. She met him at the beginning of her second year at university. One of her friends, Selina, had introduced them. She had been having lunch with Selina...
‘I’m just going to the toilet,’ said Alice, ‘Can you watch my food?’
Selina smiled and nodded. Alice walked away towards the toilets and as she did so, a young man walked towards her; he smiled at her when she looked at him and she noticed how blue his eyes were. They reminded her of a cloudless sky on a summer’s day. She bowed her head as she walked past him, feeling her cheeks redden, wondering whether she had stared into those eyes just a little too long. She was kicking herself as she walked into the toilets realising that she hadn’t even returned his smile, as she’d been so distracted by his beautiful eyes. She felt silly. How could she just fall for someone like that without even knowing him? But she couldn’t get him out of her mind. She checked her appearance as she washed her hands and wished she was one of those girls who wore make-up. She had never really been a girlie girl when she was growing up and had never experimented with make-up; now she didn’t know where to start, so she didn’t wear any at all, fearing that she’d end up looking like a clown if she applied it.
She found herself hoping
she would see that boy again as she walked back into the canteen. Sure enough, as if her prayers had been answered, the boy was standing next to Selina, chatting with her.
Alice felt her flushed cheeks become hotter as she approached. She tried to pretend she hadn’t noticed the boy standing there and sat down opposite Selina.
‘Oh, this is Alice,’ said Selina, to the boy, who smiled that killer smile again and reached out a hand to shake hers. Alice looked up at him and felt as if she was floating on air. She could hardly control any of her movements. Somehow, she managed to shake his hand.
‘I’m Andrew, nice to meet you.’
‘You too,’ Alice said, almost inaudibly. She then went back to eating her lunch.
Alice watched as Selina chatted freely with Andrew, and wished she could too, but words eluded her. Anything she did think of saying, she dismissed as being silly.
Shortly, Andrew announced that he had to leave. ‘It was nice to meet you, Alice. I’m sure we’ll see each other around.’
‘Yes,’ she managed to say, feeling that it was too little too late, as he turned on his heels and walked out of the room.
Selina explained that she and Andrew used to go to the same secondary school, and she’d only just found out he was at the same university. After that, the subject changed to talk of the latest happenings in EastEnders, and thoughts of Andrew had to remain a fantasy teasing Alice’s mind as she tried to concentrate on what Selina was saying.
From the first day she met him, Alice became slightly obsessive in her feelings for Andrew. She would look out for him in the university, but he was on a different course so their paths hardly ever crossed. She did manage to see him a few times but had never really had a proper conversation with him. That same tongue-tied feeling would overwhelm her when he stopped to greet her, so the most there had really been between them was a “hello” or a “how are you?” as they passed each other in the corridors. Other times, they had smiled or waved from a distance.
It excited Alice to think that Andrew liked her too. She had convinced herself that they would get together at some stage and felt it was just a matter of time. She was always hopeful, wishing that she and Andrew would get the chance to meet and talk properly. Her mind drifted to thoughts of the upcoming party; perhaps that would be the opportunity she had been waiting for.
She got out of bed and looked through her wardrobe trying to decide what she would wear to the party. She didn’t want to dress up. She never felt comfortable in anything too fancy. Thinking back to Jenny’s suggestion, she decided she would take her advice and wear her favourite black dress; it was made of crushed velvet, and she liked the feel of the soft fabric against her skin.
As she held the dress in front of her, looking in the mirror, she began to daydream about what she would say to Andrew and what he would say to her. She improvised an imagined conversation that she would have with him at the party. Her mood lifted as she fantasised about their meeting.
Soon, she realised it was getting late and she still hadn’t had any breakfast. She made her way into the kitchen and prepared a boiled egg and some toast. As she crunched the toast, she remembered that she had meant to visit her mother, to try to look for the telephone directories.
After breakfast she got dressed and ready to leave. As she walked towards the front door, she noticed the newspaper lying on the living room table; the one with the photograph of Jane Forester. She decided to take it with her.
***
Alice arrived at her mother’s flat at 12 noon. ‘Hi, Mum,’ she said, as she walked into the kitchen.
‘Oh, hello, dear. It’s nice to see you. How are you?’ Her mother had been cleaning the kitchen cupboards but was now looking at Alice, dishcloth in hand.
‘I’m fine.’ She couldn’t help noticing that her mother’s face looked tired. This reminded her that the last time they’d spoken, she had upset her by talking about her father.
‘Have you had breakfast, Alice?’
‘Yes.’
The conversation seemed to stop there. Her mother turned around and continued cleaning the cupboards. Neither Alice nor Stephanie could think of anything to say. Alice desperately wanted to break the silence, but the only thing she could think of saying was, ‘Mum, where do you keep your telephone directories?’ She didn’t think that would be a good idea. Her mother would ask why she wanted them, and she would have to lie. She had never been very good at lying to her mother.
Stephanie also wanted to say something, but she was on edge, expecting Alice to start talking about her father again. Stephanie ran all possible topics of conversation through her mind, but they all seemed to come back to the same thing; somewhere along the line, Alice would mention her father. It seemed that they had reached a point of no return here. Alice had opened the can of worms and they were now wriggling to get out.
She found Alice’s sudden interest in her father difficult to bear, it had torn open old wounds, rekindling distant memories that she had kept locked away at the back of her mind, thinking them long forgotten. Things had moved so fast. Alice had given her no warning that she would want to find her father, so Stephanie had not been able to adjust or find a way around it. She filled a bucket with water and began to mop the floor, trying in vain to wash away the thoughts in her mind at the same time.
The silence became too much to bear, with the undertone of thought that hovered around the room. Stephanie didn’t know if she was just being paranoid, but she was sure Alice wanted to ask more about her father. She wondered whether if she showed Alice a photograph of Roger, it would somehow satisfy her curiosity. Maybe she just wanted to know what he looked like. Feeling desperate, she had to ask: ‘Alice, darling,’ she began.
Alice had her back to her mother, sitting by the kitchen table pretending to read the Sunday Mirror Magazine.
‘Alice, I have a confession to make.’
‘That sounds interesting.’ Alice turned around in her chair to face her.
‘When you asked me the other day if I had photos of your father, I said I didn’t. Well, I do have a couple of old photos of him. I was hoping you’d decide not to look for him; trying to stop you.’ She paused, holding onto the mop handle as if for support. ‘For your own good,’ she added. ‘I know that I probably can’t stop you if you’ve made up your mind, but...’ She was having difficulty looking Alice in the eyes, ‘I was hoping that maybe if I show you the photos, that would be enough for you. Maybe you are just curious to see what he looks like? Anyway, I’ll try anything if you’ll stop this nonsense about wanting to find him.’
This surprised Alice. Her mother seemed almost afraid at the thought that she might find her father. What was so terrible that she didn’t want her to have any contact with him? What deep, dark secret would she uncover if she found him? There seemed to be something her mother wasn’t telling her; something that would maybe affect their relationship. Did her mother have an affair? Was that the reason her father had left? All sorts of thoughts were parading around Alice’s mind. Now, rather than being persuaded to stop looking for her father, she felt even more fuelled.
‘I don’t know what happened between you two all those years ago. I mean, you’ve never told me the details; and maybe I don’t really need to know the details, but he is still my dad. He is my dad, isn’t he?’ she asked, as another stray thought taunted her brain.
‘Yes, of course he is!’ said her mother, agitated.
‘I just feel like I’m climbing a mountain trying to explain this to you. It’s like you don’t think I’m capable of making my own decisions. You had a mum and dad, and you knew who they were. You’ve never been through what I’m going through at the moment. Try to put yourself in my position for one minute. What if you didn’t know who your dad was? Would you want to find out? It’s not just a picture of him I want. I want to meet him, speak to him, find out about him.’
Stephanie sighed. She stood next to the sink and folded her arms in front of her. ‘I have already real
ised I can’t stop you doing this. I just needed to try because I am your mother and I know what’s best for you.’ Again, she did not appear able to look Alice in the eyes.
‘Okay, will you tell me the real reason you are trying to stop me seeing him? There’s some big secret, isn’t there?’
Stephanie’s mouth fell open. Then, she shook her head and shrugged. Twisting around, she turned on the tap and began putting on her washing up gloves. ‘I just don’t want to see you get hurt. He might have a new wife, a new family.’
There was silence for a moment, then Alice said, ‘I’m sorry, Mum, I can see how it would be hard for you to find out that he is married again, maybe with other children. I’ve been selfish only thinking of me.’
Stephanie turned around on the spot to face Alice. ‘I couldn’t care less if he’s remarried with ten kids and as happy as Larry. I am only thinking of you. What if he doesn’t want to know you? What if he has a new family and he hasn’t told them about you? If you turn up out of the blue it could do more harm than good.’
‘Well, I wasn’t intending to turn up out of the blue. I was going to phone first. That’s why I came today to find his number in your telephone directories.’
Stephanie frowned. ‘Oh, there was me thinking you’ve come to visit me, and all along you’re just thinking about finding your father.’ She took off her gloves and stormed out of the kitchen.
Stephanie could feel her head spinning. It was all out of her control now. Alice had made up her mind. She wondered whether she should just tell her everything now. She took a deep breath and walked towards her wardrobe in her bedroom. Reaching inside, she took out the old shoe-box. When she removed the lid, the first thing she saw was the picture of Roger holding Alice in his arms, smiling. His smile seemed so genuine. He had been so happy. They had been so happy. How could she have imagined, when she was taking this photograph on that bright sunny day all those years ago, that within a few months her life would be change completely? She would never have imagined that she would be holding this photograph in her hands almost twenty years on not with happy memories but with memories of pain.