Lizzy had been home for two weeks and didn’t feel like doing anything that day. Like the day before she stayed home and did various chores and surfed the net and various television channels in an attempt to pass the time. With his vacation time all used up, Gary had gone back to base and she hadn’t heard from him since that weekend. Lizzy wasn’t upset that he hadn’t kept in touch. She had pried maybe a little too much into the ugly ending of his marriage, and he responded by doing what he did best; go back to base and lose himself in his work. Lizzy also chose to be happy Gary was there for her for as long as he was rather than mope around about the fact that he was back at base. She was back to where she was before Gary had sent her that postcard, this time with a few more items checked off the list. Gale was still in New York, tending to personal business and Anna was still off the grid. She didn’t relish the idea of taking on the next few tasks alone, but Gary had told her to take the attrition when it came and keep plugging away. She was after all in the home stretch.
She had no intention of backing out now, not when she only had a few items left to go. The only problem was for the next item on the list, she needed to show a little patience. She had contacted the office of a counsellor that Hayden had mentioned he had to speak with because he was ordered to by the fire house. Like most firemen in his house, Hayden didn’t like to speak with the counsellor or spend time of any kind in therapy. Men liked to be macho and bottle things up, preferably by drowning them with liquid from another bottle. But the house rules required him to sit down with a professional every two weeks so Hayden had to suck it up like the rest of his crew and get it over with. The counsellor never really told her what he talked about but she could tell sometimes that it was about something he never really talked to her about and that was more evident on one specific day when he came home. Hayden just wasn’t himself. He was distracted but at the same time playful. He didn’t feel like he was talked out of his mind and seemed hopeful and positive for the first time in a while since he was asked to start seeing someone. According to the list, he wanted to have another moment. This mean there was one such moment that had already occurred earlier with this counsellor. While she was incapable of helping Hayden have another of his moments, she felt that going to see the same counsellor and talking to him or her might give her some insight to what that moment was and why it had the effect it did on him that day. Lizzy called the doctor’s office to set an appointment, using her husband’s name to get in. She claimed to be calling on Hayden’s behalf to get a new appointment with his former therapist. The secretary seemed all right with that and had booked her for the next week.
It seemed like the longest week of her life, but Lizzy had to be patient. Her chance to speak with the counsellor seemed to creep up to her very slowly but the day soon arrived. Lizzy dressed up not too formally, but not to casual either. She took a taxi to the building where the doctor was located and after taking an elevator up to a high floor, strolled into the reception area. The lady at the desk flashed a smile her way.
“May I help you?” She asked.
"Yes, I have an appointment to see Dr. Marcus.” Lizzy answerd, “It’s listed under Sheppard for Eleven-thirty.”
“Ah yes, here we are.” The secretary said as she found the entry on her system, “Please take a seat.”
“Thank you.” Lizzy said as she found a sit and sat down.
Several minutes later the desk buzzed and the lady again smiled when she looked in Lizzy’s direction. “You may go in.”
Lizzy took a deep breath and walked into the office. After closing the door behind her, she got a look at what many people assumed was a standard office for a mental health professional. Book shelves with the works of his or her trade, a couch positioned well in front of a chair, both looking very comfortable and inviting. She walked in and a moment later someone came into the room from another door in the side of the office. The counsellor was male, short and pudgy, but looked wise based on his age.
“Good afternoon.” Lizzy called out.
This seemed to take the doctor by surprise, as he clearly was expecting someone else and not the person that was standing in my office.
“I’m sorry but there’s been a terrible mistake.” He said as he walked over to his desk to check his files. “I was expecting someone named Hayden Sheppard.”
“But that is me. I’m Mrs. Hayden Sheppard.” Lizzy said as she walked over and held up a hand. “Hayden was my husband.”
“Was your husband?” Dr. Marcus’s face seemed to contract like he was biting on a lemon and he started to pace around the room. “This is not good. I am not testifying at any divorce hearing. You can’t talk to me without Hayden’s permission!”
“I’m afraid I can’t get that for you.” Lizzy replied. “You see I’m not getting a divorce. I’m a widow.”
Dr. Marcus obviously had not heard news of Hayden’s passing and stopped what he was doing. He put down the files that he had been looking at with a small thump. “How did it happen?”
"In the line of duty,” Lizzy answered, “Saving many lives.”
“Wow.” Dr. Marcus seemed to take the news rather hard as he took a seat behind his desk and take a few deep breaths. “I’m very sorry to hear that.”
“Thank you.” Lizzy replied, “How long did you know Hayden?”
“I only met with Hayden a few times, but he was a good man.” The doctor answered, “I liked him very much. He had his issues but he was strong and working through them.” he paused for a moment again, unsure what he should do. “I’m not sure I’m allowed to talk about this.”
“He’s not with us anymore, Doctor.” Lizzy said as she walked over to the couch. “I just came here to talk about Hayden, maybe learn a little more about the man I loved that I didn’t know before.”
Dr. Marcus seemed very hesitant. “I’m not sure if you want to know what he might have been hiding from you. Hayden had a few demons.”
“I’ve learned a great deal about my husband since his passing. Are you referring to battle with alcoholism?” she could tell by the look in his eyes that he was a little relieved that she knew about it already and didn’t have to hear it from him. “I know quite a bit about my husband and while I’ve learned more since his passing, it hasn’t tarnished what I think of him or how much I still love him today.”
Dr. Marcus huffed up from the chair behind his desk and walked over to the more comfy chair and took his usual spot. “What did you want to talk about then, Mrs. Sheppard?”
“There was one day in particular.” Lizzy asked, “He had some sort of breakthrough. He was happier and more alive that day than I had said in years. He seemed to have what he called a moment with you. It was a good one and I was hoping you could share with me what he had said and done to come to that.”
“What day had this session taken place?” The doctor asked her.
“It was in mid-march of last year, a few months before his death.” Lizzy had answered. “If you could tell me…”
“I can.” Dr. Marcus said as he put down his notepad. “He only had one appointment that month, so it narrows the field down a bit. I remember this session well because it didn’t get off to a good start. He was angry because his house had lost someone.”
Hayden was so furious that day. He had at first refused to take a seat. Dr. Marcus had never seen him that upset before as the young man looked angry enough to start tossing furniture around. Hayden’s hands were shaking like leafs, he was on the verge of crying and was taking the death of this young fireman really personally. The doctor had asked him if he knew the man well, and he hadn’t. That was the reason for his immense grief.
“What about his death is troubling you then, Hayden?” He quickly asked.
“He was only twenty-five,” Hayden replied, “That’s it. Twenty-fire years and poof, game over. No appeals, no rehearsals. Your time is up and it’s time to go. How is that fair?”
“What do you mean? What isn’t fair?” the doct
or asked, hoping to keep him talking.
“I mean is it fair for this kid to die so young?” Hayden called back to him. “I understand we all know the risks of being a fireman, but it hurts to see a kid just die out so quickly before he had a chance to life. He never got to find the girl of his dreams and marry her. He never got the chance to watch a ball go off the green monster at Fenway Park or any other thing he wanted to do in his life. It all just ended for him right there in that building.”
“Are you afraid of doing the same?” Dr. Marcus asked Hayden, “Of leaving us all behind before you get a chance to accomplish all your goals?”
“I don’t even know what my goals are!” Hayden called back, “I’m living my life but I have no idea what I want to do with it. Is this job going to be the only thing I ever accomplish or will I get the chance to do what I want?”
“That depends.” The doctor cryptically answered, “What do you want to do with your life beside fight fires?”
The question seemed to stop Hayden’s pacing. He walked over to the couch and finally took his rightful place for the remainder of the session. “I honestly don’t know.”
“Then I suggest you take the time to think about it, and look for the answer.” The doctor prescribed. “Perhaps that can be your homework for our next session.”
“What should I do when I find out what I want?” Hayden then asked.
“Maybe you should write it down,” The doctor suggested, “Perhaps make a list.”
“A list?” Hayden repeated.
“Yes. It’s very common for people to make a list of life goals. People outside of my profession call it a ‘bucket list’, which is basically a list of things you want to do before your time on this world is up.” The doctor paused for a moment. “I have such a list myself.”
Hayden seemed intrigued. “Really? What did you put on it?”
The doctor paused for a moment, “A lot of it is personal but I will tell you one. There is a mountain I tried to climb when I was younger. One of the items on my list is to try to climb this mountain again and reach the top this time.”
“Okay, I get it. Make personal goals and see them through.” Hayden said with a smile for the first time she he arrived for his session. “Seems easy enough.”
“Try not to set the bar too low.” The doctor chimed in. “This is something you want to last your lifetime. Don’t make it too easy.”
“All right. I’ll do it!” Hayden said as he slapped his knee with commitment. “I’m going to make this list and it’s going to be good one!”
“I like this attitude.”
“I do too.”
“That’s all the time we have right now Hayden.” The doctor said as he put down his pad. “Set an appointment with Jess and I’ll see you soon.”
“All right doc. Take care… and thanks.” Hayden walked out of the session. The fireman gave a grin and waved as he walked out to the door. The doctor didn’t have a chance to return the wave but felt good, knowing they had made progress that day. Little did he know that the moment that had just passed was the last time he would ever see Hayden Sheppard alive again.
Lizzy couldn’t help but smile as she heard him describe what happened during the session. She was almost ready to cry when she discovered that this session was pretty much the birth place of Hayden’s bucket list. Hayden had taken the doctor’s request to heart and took the time to list thirty things that he wanted to do before he died. While a few of them were indeed weak as Jared had put it, there were a lot of deep and very meaningful things he wanted to do before he checked out.
Dr. Marcus could tell something was getting to her. “Are you all right Mrs. Sheppard?”
“I am. I got the answer I wanted.” she answered with a small smile.
“How so?” the doctor asked.
“Here, take a look for yourself.” Lizzy took out a piece of paper from her pocket and handed it to the doctor. Dr. Marcus took a pair of reading glasses out of his pocket and started to read the list.
“Thirty is a lot.” He said as he skimmed over it. “He really took this idea to heart.”
“He did.” Lizzy said with her own smile. “But he never got very far. Only the first four were crossed out when I found it.”
“A shame really.” He said as he looked over it more thoroughly. “It seems like there was quite a bit he wanted to do.” He continued to read it until he reached a certain point. He paused for a moment and then made a small sound that indicated he had figured something out. “How long have you been working on this?”
“I peg your pardon?” Lizzy asked back.
“This list: how long have you been working on it?” the doctor waved it around. “I can only assume the reason why you’re here is because you’re on number twenty-five.”
Lizzy seemed to almost blush as she was caught red handed. “Well I started working on it a few months after Hayden passed away.”
“That’s a long time ago.” The doctor said as he was back into therapy mode, “Did you put your entire life on hold to do this? What about your job?”
“Because of the circumstances of Hayden’s passing, I settled out of court for a sum that was more than enough to cover the expenses of going through with this.” Lizzy said as she did realize it had been a long time since she found that list in the pocket of Hayden’s soon to be tossed out jeans. “I’ve enjoyed doing this because I have learned so much more about the man I loved.”
“Have you been doing this adventure alone?” the doctor asked.
“No, I’ve had help from friends and family.” Lizzy answered. “This has brought me closer them and others like never before. It’s helped me come closer to letting go.”
“I don’t mean to judge.” The doctor said as he gave the list back to her, “and I admit I can see how some might find this quest romantic. Yet I can’t help but notice you’ve spent the last year and half doing the things someone else wanted to do before they died. What about the things you want to do with your life?”
“What do you mean?” Lizzy asked.
"When are you going to start focusing on your goals?” he asked. “What do you want to do with your life before you pass on?”
“I’m not exactly sure.” Lizzy confessed. “I do realize doing Hayden’s list has been a distraction from my own life, but it’s helped me learn so much about him and help me grieve over his unexpected loss.”
“There are only five more items left.” The doctor observed, “What do you plan to do when you finish the list?”
“Maybe I’ll write my own.” Lizzy suggested.
“That’s not a bad idea.” The doctor confirmed. “Just don’t spend too much more time on Hayden’s, life is too short.”
“I understand.” Lizzy said as she checked her watch. “I think it’s time for me to go. Thank you so much for speaking with me today.”
"It was my pleasure.” Dr. Marcus said as he stood up. “Once again I am very sorry for your loss Mrs. Sheppard.” He took the time to hand her a card. “If you would like to set another appointment, feel free to make a call and set it with Jess.”
“Thank you very much.” Lizzy said as she took the card and shook his hand. “I will take what we talked about to heart and will think about it more.”
“Thank you, that’s all I ask.” The doctor said as he watched her leave his office. This time out, he waited for her to wave and took the time to wave back to her.
When Lizzy got back home, she sat down in the green chair and took a moment to think hard about what the doctor had told her. Was she concentrating too much on Hayden’s list and not doing anything for herself? She was the one that outlived her spouse, shouldn’t she be the one doing things while she’s still alive? It was something to think about, but she couldn’t help but think about what Gary had told her earlier. She’s so close to finishing the list to stop now would be a travesty in itself. There would be time to think about what she wanted to do with her lif
e, after she had finished the list for Hayden. She didn’t take her time for granted, but if she were ever to write up a list of things she wanted to do, completing this list for Hayden would be one of the top five on her to do list. She smiled at the thought before resting for the night. She was eager to get back up the next day and do what she wanted to do for now, learn more about the man she loved and what made him want to do these things. An adventure of discovery, and it was nothing to be ashamed of.