Cut to: Large plasma screen. A television news reporter is speaking.
REPORTER
We have just received news that Dr. Homer Martin, Biology Professor at Farley Dickinson College in Rutherford, New Jersey, has survived a blow to the head he received from William Fairweather and Mary Robinson. The two assailants mysteriously disappeared from the top of the Empire State Building and police admit they are baffled. Professor Martin has confirmed that the so-called grasshopper costume salesmen are actually living, breathing grasshoppers. Professor Martin claims they are a mutant form of orthopterous insects who have grown to incredible size as he result of atomic radiation. The grasshoppers are with us today in our studio. Take it away, Ken. …
TV screen cuts to KEN, a TV commentator.
KEN
I have just received a most extraordinary message that I would like to share, not only with our viewing audience, but with you three grasshoppers as well.
Camera pulls back to reveal IRVING, AUNT LULU and FLORABELLE sitting besides KEN at a large rounded table.
KEN (Cont’d)
The Chairman of the Republican Party has stated that he is going to invite you, Irving, to run for the highest office of the United States. That makes sense to me too. Anything would be better than a Bush who lost his head of Iraq. … What do you think of that?
IRVING
I know a grasshopper would make a very good president. But am I qualified?
KEN
There are only two qualifications to be President, Irving. That you are born in the USA and that you are thirty-five years old. There’s absolutely nothing that says you have to be a human being.
IRVING
In that case, I will accept! But, of course, I will have to paint the White House green.
KEN
Very amusing. Now is there anything in particular any of you would like to say to America?
IRVING
Only this: What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?
AUNT LULU
And selfishness is the greatest curse of the people-creature race.
FLORABELLE
And hop like a hopper!
Scene fades, credits begin to roll. Voices of the Grassalot Grasshoppers are heard as the credit roll.
DUFFY
Well, Florabelle has been rescued and is dating a movie actor whose name is Jake something-of-other. Lulu and Irving are celebrities and offered their own TV program. They even have their own website. I have here a letter from Irving that I would like to read.
ZED
We should vote on it.
POPPA FRED
I vote we don’t vote.
LOCKJAW
I second it.
DUFFY
Please. Let me read the letter.
ZED
Who’s the letter from?
DUFFY
Irving.
POPPA FRED
Irving how?
LOCKJAW
Well, why don’t you read it?
DUFFY
That’s a good idea. I am now going to read Irving’s letter.
ZED
Can we eat first?
DUFFY
No, the letter first. Listen carefully. “Dear Hoppers, it’s safe to come out now. No people-creatures will harm you. Here is ten thousand dollars. Come to New York. I have reserved a table for all of you at the Latin Quarter. Hurry! Your friend, Irving.”
ZED
Latin Quarter? He’s too cheap to make it Latin Dollar?
POPPA FRED
Grasshopper Dollar would be even better.
DUFFY
I think we should celebrate by singing the Grassalot song.
ZED
No. We can’t.
DUFFY
Why can’t we?
ZED
We haven’t voted on it.
LOCKJAW
I vote yes.
POPPA FRED
I vote yes.
DUFFY
I vote aye.
ZED
We have a tie. Two ayes and two yeses.
DUFFY
Let’s sing anyway. All together now. …
The Grasshoppers sing the following words to the tune of “Camelot.”
The grass must grow and keep on
growing forever …
We must keep eating corn so we’ll
be clever.
In short there’s not ...
Applauds are heard.
GRASSALOT THEME SONG
(Cont’d)
... a more pleasant spot
for happily singing and hopping
then here is Grassalot!
A law was made a distant moon ago here
July and August cannot be too hot –
and there’s a legal limit to the snow here –in Grassalot! Grassalot.
I know it gives a person pause.
But in Grassalot … Grassalot …
Those are the legal laws!
(Repeats from beginning till credits conclude.)
At the conclusion of credits, screen becomes blank and these enormous words appear:
TO BE CONTINUED …
CONFESSIONS OF A GRASSHOPPER - Act Two.
Copyright 2012 by C. J. Lanet.
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