Read Confessions of a Grasshopper Page 2

PECOS PETE

  Wall, sir, keep on a’goin’ on this here Route 16 till ya gits ta 146 and ya takes that thar road south past little speck of a place calle’ Hachita.

  BILL

  Then what?

  PECOS PETE

  Keep on a’goin’ down thet thar little ole road mebbe twelve, thirteen miles till ya see ah big old butte off to the west, mebbe ah mile, mebbe two off’a the road. Then ya gotta leave the road and drive smack dab toward the thet thar butte an’ jus’ on tuther side of it was whar Crystalville usta set. An’ ;’bout half a mile up by a big ole mountain you’ll see th’ ruins of the ole silver mine. But you kids stay away from thet thar mine, ya hear? Mighty dangeras p;ace. Why, thar’s a airhole an’ shafts ya could fall inta and would nobody never see ya agin.

  BILL

  Thanks, Pop! I really appreciate it.

  BILL takes some bills from his wallet and passes them to PECOS PETE.

  PECOS PETE

  Y’all stay clear of thet old mine, ya hear?

  BILL gets up from the booth.

  BILL (Cont’d)

  Come on, girls. We’re off to Crystalville and talking grasshoppers.

  BILL throws some bills on the table, then hustles the two girls out of the restaurant. PECOS PETE looks after them in amazement.

  PECOS PETE

  Talkin’ what? Do you say talking grasshoppers?! Wall, I’ll be hornswoggled!

  PECOS PETE quickly ambles after them and outside the restaurant just in time to see BILL, MARY and BARB speed away in the Imperial. PECOS PETE looks after then, shaking his head sadly.

  Scenes: Clips of city of Albuquerque; route sign: 25 South; Las Cruces; Deming; arid mountains of southern New Mexico; Route 146; village of Hachita; the narrow road winding through a very isolated, mountainous area. The Imperial slows.

  BILL

  We’re close. Be on the lookout for the butte.

  MARY

  What the hell is a “butte?”

  BILL

  Hill … a hill, dummy.

  MARY

  Great! There are hills all around here. I hate this place.

  Pan shot: Mountains, desert. CU: BILL, MARY, BARB scanning the countryside as the Imperial creeps along the narrow old road. BILL points to a steep-sided hill that stands alone.

  BILL

  That must be it!

  BILL pulls off the road, bounces through a shallow gully, drives toward the butte. The shocks on the car are shot and all three are bouncing about madly in their seats. BILL drives around the butte to the other side, slows, stops. The only remaining sign of a town once having been there is part of a stone foundation and the charred remains of a small building.

  BILL

  Welcome to Crystalville.

  BARB

  I wonder where the Crystalville Hilton is?

  MARY

  I don’t like this place. It gives me the creeps.

  BILL

  The first thing we’ll do is set up the tent; offload our stuff.

  MARY

  That’s your job. I’m sick of all this. It was okay driving, now the sun is so hot, I can’t breath. This a Godforsaken place. … Oh, why did I agree to all this?

  BILL

  That’s what I always like about you, Mary. You’re such a pain in the ass.

  MARY

  Screw you.

  Scenes: BILL and BARB struggling to erect the tent, then unloading the car. Night falls. BILL and BARN are sitting on campstools in front of the tent munching Vienna sausages and candy bars. MARY is still in the car, drinking a semi-warm beer.

  BILL

  We’ll turn in early tonight and get started at first light.

  MARY

  Where do you expect us to sleep?

  BILL

  In the tent, of course! We got three sleeping bags.

  MARY

  Not me, buster. I’m not sleepin’ with scorpions and snakes. Didn’t that little town back there have a motel?

  BILL

  It didn’t even have a restaurant. Just a combination pool hall and lunch counter.

  MARY

  Great. Just great! Well, I’m sleeping’ right here. Put the top up!

  BILL

  What, you helpless?

  BILL shrugs, then HE and BARB drag their sleeping bags into the tent. MARY lies back on the front seat, grumbling. A coyote wails, MARY sits up quickly, jumps out of the car and rushes into the tent.

  Fade out and fade in on sun rising over mountains. BILL comes out of tent, stretches, goes back inside tent. We hear the two girls complaining about being awakened so early.

  Cut to: BILL, BARB and MARY trudging around the perimeter of the site of the old mining town. MARY lags behind. BILL points toward a large hill that is at the foot of a mountain range. The three stalwart adventurers trek toward the hill. BILL and BARB begin to walk around the hill to the right; MARY stomps foot, hands folded defiantly across her chest. BILL and BARB disappear around the hill. MARY begins climbing up the hill toward a lone juniper tree, which affords a little shade. Just as MARY is about to reach the tree, she loses her footing and begins sliding back down the hill. SHE screams and scrambles madly for a small outcropping, than suddenly the ground beneath her feet gives way and she begins sliding into hole. We see MARY sliding down a narrow pipe – down, down. Her arms are over her head, flailing frantically; her eyes wide with terror. MARY pops out and drops about five feet onto a loft covered with cornhusks and stalks. Voices are heard below her. MARY is stunned for a moment, then SHE creeps toward the edge of the loft, peers over. The loft overlooks a large room and there are seven humanoid grasshoppers sitting around a long wood table. There are seven of them – POPPA FRED, IRVING, flashy AUNT LULU, DUFFY, ZED, LOCKJAW, and FLORABELLE. MARY’s mouth drops open, her eyes widen. She remains perfectly still – watching, listening...

  ZED

  I say we take a vote.

  DUFFY

  The meeting hasn’t even started yet.

  ZED

  So let’s get the voting out of the way now so we won’t have to worry about it later.

  LOCKJAW

  I vote nay.

  IRVING

  I think we should discuss it.

  POPPA FRED

  Are we through voting?

  DUFFY

  Yes.

  ZED

  What’s the bill of fare?

  DUFFY

  How many times do I have to tell you – it’s agenda – not bill of fare.

  ZED

  What’s a bill of fare?

  DUFFY

  That’s a list of food to eat.

  ZED

  That’s what I want.

  DUFFY

  We have important things to talk about.

  IRVING

  What’s more important than food?

  DUFFY

  Getting to Mexico.

  IRVING

  You’re absolutely right. Can we eat now?

  LOCKJAW

  I think Florabelle should get married.

  FLORABELLE

  I’m too young.

  DUFFY

  We’re here to talk about Mexico. That’s why I called this meeting.

  IRVING

  I thought I call the meeting.

  DUFFY

  You called Zed. I called the meeting.

  IRVING

  I did? Why did I call him?

  DUFFY

  Late for dinner.

  ZED

  And I’m still hungry. Now I know why.

  AUNT LULU

  I think you should read the letter, Irving.

  IRVING

  No! I have a better idea. I will read the letter.

  DUFFY

  The letter from your brother, Moish?

  IRVING

  Yes. The letter from Moish.

  DUFFY

  All right. Read it.

  IRVING

  Moish is my brother.

  DUFFY

  We know that.

&
nbsp; IRVING

  I am going to read the letter.

  ZED

  Can we eat first?

  FLORABELLE

  By the time he reads the letter, I’ll be old enough to get married.

  IRVING (standing) (Moish starts the letter in a very, very beautiful

  way. It will take your breath away with the soaring majesty of his inspiring words. Listen to this … He reads.)

  “Dear Irving.”

  Pauses.

  Well, how do you all like that for a great beginning of a letter?

  ZED

  I think we should vote on it. I give it a seven and a half.

  IRVING

  A half what?

  ZED

  A half-wit. Your brother is a half-wit.

  IRVING

  Yes, but he writes a nice letter.

  AUNT LULU

  I give it a nine.

  IRVING

  Thank you. That’s very good.

  AUNT LULU

  No, that’s very bad. That’s nine on a scale of one hundred.

  IRVING

  It could still be worse. It could have been a three.

  DUFFY

  Irving, will you please read the letter?

  DUFFY

  Why didn’t I think of that?

  IRVING

  “Dear Irving …”

  ZED

  We heard that part before.

  LOCKJAW

  It does sound familiar, doesn’t it?

  IRVING

  Now you made me lose my place. I have to start over again. “Dear Irving …”

  ZED

  A ten.

  IRVING

  What?

  ZED

  A ten. I get more meaning out of it each time you read it.

  IRVING

  Fine. “Dear Irving …”

  ZED

  I love it!

  IRVING

  “Dear Irving …”

  ZED

  Now it’s beginning to get old.

  DUFFY

  Can we get past that part?

  IRVING

  But that’s the best part of the whole letter!

  DUFFY

  Let us be the judge of that.

  IRVING

  All right. “Dear Irving, I am having a fine time in Mexico but I wish you was here anyway.”

  AUNT LULU

  Was that supposed to be funny?

  IRVING

  I don’t think so. “You and the rest of the gang had better get down here quick before those ugly people-creatures discover you and capture you and eat you! We are all worried about you, so get down here quick! Soon it will be too late.”

  DUFFY

  Is that all he says? Doesn’t he have any idea as to how we can get to Grassalot in Mexico safely?

  IRVING

  I’m not finished reading the letter yet. Please be patient.

  DUFFY

  Good! I was hoping there would be more. Read us the rest of the letter.

  IRVING

  “Your brother, Moish.”

  DUFFY

  That’s it?

  IRVING

  It brings a lump to your throat, doesn’t it?

  ZED

  I loved that part! It deserves a round of applause.

  All of the GRASSHOPPERS applaud.

  DUFFY

  Well, Moish is right. We have to find a way to get to Mexico soon. We have the old bus, but we need tires for it – and gasoline. Lots of gasoline. Those things take people-money.

  AUNT LULU

  We also have to decide who’s going to learn to drive so he can drive the bus.

  IRVING

  I am, of course. After all, it was my idea to design a people disguiser. I have it right here. Let me show you.

  IRVING reaches under the table and brings up a costume. He puts the top part on his head. It looks like George Bush.

  ZED

  You could pass for a people-creature anywhere!

  AUNT LULU

  My gracious, land sales alive! People-creatures certainly are ugly, aren’t they?

  IRVING

  Of course they’re ugly. Only grasshoppers were made beautiful. Everything else is downright ugly.

  LOCKJAW

  Ain’t it the truth?

  DUFFY

  We have to get to Mexico before some tourist people-creatures discover us, and they’re

  getting closer all the time, buying up all the land. We need people-money.

  IRVING

  The answer is the timetable.

  ZED

  What’s this “timetable” – a new invention of yours?

  IRVING

  No! We need time to sell the grasshopper costumes. I think you will all agree that this is one of my all-time colossal idea!

  DUFFY

  You’re forgetting one thing, Irving. Yes, we made hundreds and hundreds of grasshopper costumes, and yes we have them stored in the North section, and yes it was a brilliant idea – but no, we still don’t know how we can sell them to people-creatures – and we don’t have time to experiment. We need a sure-fire moneymaker now.

  IRVING

  We’d make a fortune if I could perfect my dehydrated water pill.

  DUFFY

  A dehydrated water pill?

  IRVING

  Certainly. You just add water to the pill and – presto! You have water.

  ZED

  The grasshopper is a genius. We should patent it right away.

  IRVING

  But it still needs a little work.

  AUNT LULU

  Maybe a lot of work.

  DUFFY

  Does anybody else have any ideas?

  FLORABELLE

  Papa?

  DUFFY

  Yes, child?

  FLORABELLE

  I could write my life story and they’d make it into a movie and I’d be rich and famous and I wouldn’t forget all you little grasshoppers who helped me along the way.

  DUFFY

  That’s an excellent idea – but I think it would take too long. We need to make the money right away!

  POPPA FRED

  Wait! I’m getting an idea.

  DUFFY

  What is it?

  POPPA FRED

  It’s coming – it’s coming. My great idea is coming!

  DUFFY

  From where?

  POPPA FRED

  Yes – it’s almost here.

  DUFFY

  It’s still no here.

  POPPA FRED

  Gone!

  DUFFY

  Was it a good idea?

  POPPA FRED

  The best.

  DUFFY

  I’m sorry we’ll never know what it was.

  ZED

  I have an idea!

  DUFFY

  Quick! What is it?

  ZED

  Let’s eat. I’m hungry.

  LOCKJAW

  No, I’m getting a headache.

  AUNT LULU

  Maybe we should dig up some of those gold rocks and sell them. Those people-creatures seem to like them a lot.

  DUFFY

  No, but is it a good idea.

  IRVING

  Yes! Listen – I made a people disguise so I could look like a people-creature when I drive the bus – am I right?

  DUFFY

  You are right.

  IRVING

  We haven’t tried to sell the grasshopper costumes because we haven’t known how to do it, am I right?

  DUFFY

  You are right again.

  IRVING

  What if I were to put on my people-creature disguise and sell the costumes myself?

  DUFFY

  It wouldn’t be safe.

  AUNT LULU

  What about finding and selling ‘em gold?

  IRVING

  Certainly it would be, Duffy. You saw my people-creature disguise. It’s foolproof.

  DUFFY

  Well, may
be …

  FLORSBELLE

  Can I ask a question?

  DUFFY

  Certainly, my child. As a matter of fact, you just asked a question.

  FLORABELLE

  Well, can I ask another questions?

  DUFFY

  Of course, little one. And you just did.

  FLORABELLE

  Papa …

  DUFFY

  Even more questions?

  FLORABELLE

  If Irving is going to sell grasshopper costumes to people-creatures, why does he have to look like a people-creature? Why can’t he look just like the way he is – and tell the people-creatures he’s wearing a grasshopper costume?

  ZED

  That is deep, very, very deep.

  POPPA FRED

  I don’t understand it – but you’re right” It’s very deep.

  LOCKJAW

  I understand it, but I don’t understand my understanding of it.

  DUFFY

  She may have something!

  POPPA FRED

  Is it catching?

  DUFFY

  Congratulations, Florabelle! Your idea makes more sense than cornhusks.

  ZED

  But is it a good idea or an idea that may be good?

  DUFFY

  Stop thinking, Zed.

  IRVING

  Yes. It will work! What could be more natural than a seller of grasshopper costumes wearing one of his own products?

  FLORABELLE

  Did I do good, Papa?

  DUFFY

  My child, you may have saved the entire Grassalot Colony from extinction. You did very good!

  FLORABELLE

  I’m very proud and happy, Papa! My life story is getting better all the time.

  AUNT LULU

  But …

  DUFFY

  Must there always be a “but”?

  AUNT LULU

  This is a big ‘but.”

  DUFFY

  Tell us what your “but” is.

  LOCKJAW

  I can tell you that! It’s what she sits on.

  AUNT LULU

  Don’t be vulgar, Lockjaw. You don’t want to sound like a people-creature, do you?

  DUFFY

  Aunt Lulu, give us your “butt.”

  AUNT LULU

  Now you’re being vulgar.

  DUFFY

  Come on, you know what I mean!

  AUNT LULU

  That’s the problem.

  DUFFY

  Let me put it this way: Do you see a flaw in Florabelle’s plan?

  AUNT LULU

  The problem is that Irving never sold anything in is life.

  IRVING

  That’s true, but I’m still the world’s greatest sales-grasshopper.

  ZED

  Irving does have a way with words.

  POPPA FRED

  Yep, he’s a regular silver-tongued leafhopper.

  AUNT LULU

  You really believe you can sell grasshopper costumes to people-creatures?

  IRVING

  Does a grasshopper eat grass?

  AUNT LULU

  How?

  IRVING

  Let me demonstrate. You pretend you’re a people-creature who owns a big store and I walk in – a beautiful smile on my face, exuding charm and personality. Then …

  AUNT LULU

  … And I’ll say, “Eke! A giant grasshopper! Kill it!”

  IRVING

  No, no, no! You won’t say anything like that! You’ll be curious. And I’ll say, “ I am wearing our new super deluxe, real deal green grasshopper costume. How many thousands would you like to order?” And you will say, “I will buy sixty-seven thousand for starters!” You see? That’s all there is to it!

  AUNT LULU

  It might work.

  IRVING

  Certainly it will work! And do you know the main reason why it will work? Other than my sparkling qualities, of course, because with grasshopper costumes, the people-creatures can hide their ugliness and be beautiful like us.

  DUFFY

  He’s right. It’s a well-known and scientifically proven fact that grasshoppers are beautiful – and people-creatures are downright ugly!

  FLORABELLE

  I feel so sorry for people-creatures – they’re all so yukkie looking.

  ZED

  Let me get this straight. You’re a grasshopper pretending to be wearing a grasshopper costume so people-creatures will think you’re a people-creature wearing a grasshopper costume to sell grasshopper costumes.

  IRVING

  Certainly! Now you’ve got it.

  ZED

  Got it! I don’t even know what I’m talking about.

  DUFFY

  It’s a super elegant idea. If you sell only ten million costumes and make a penny on each one – that’s one hundred thousand people-dollars.

  IRVING

  Wait! I have a better idea. I will double the price of the costumes and make two cents clear profit on each costume.

  DUFFY

  But how much would you sell them for?

  IRVING

  Would four cents be too much?

  AUNT LULU

  Don’t be greedy, Irving. Three cents is a fair price.

  IRVING

  You’re certainly right. I lost my head for a moment.

  ZED

  You might be better off without it.

  IRVING

  Yes, I might. But I doubt it. Which reminds me, I will need an assistant to assist me. Are there any volunteers?

  FLORABELLE

  I’ll volunteer!

  IRVING

  You’re too young.

  POPPA FRED

  How about me?

  IRVING

  You’re too old.

  ZED

  I’d volunteer, but I can’t.

  IRVING

  Why can’t you?

  ZED

  Because I don’t want to. If a people-creature found out we’re really grasshoppers, do you

  know what they would do? They would put chocolate syrup on us and eat us.

  DUFFY

  He is probably right, Irving. People-creatures eat anything – dead chickens, dead cows, dead pigs … And they even boil cabbage … and, and float corn on the cub!

  AUNT LULU

  They are so primitive!

  LOCKJAW

  I’d volunteer, but I’m not good at that sort of thing.

  IRVING

  What sort of thing?

  LOCKJAW

  At volunteering. I just never got the knack of doing it right.

  DUFFY

  And I have to stay here to run our Grassalot Colony.

  IRVING

  That only leaves …

  AUNT LULU

  Shake hands with your senior sales manager!

  The GRASSHOPPERS begin taking excitedly among themselves, adlibbing about the new venture. MARY slithers back from the edge, sits up, looks behind her. There is a low tunnel and SHE beings creeping through it. SHE comes to a metal ladder, securely bolted into the rock. SEE looks up, sees the sky. SHE begins climbing rapidly up the ladder.

  Cut to: A small hole in the ground on the side of the hill, which is partially hidden by scrub brush. MARY’s head emerges from the hole. SHE is gasping for breath and her eyes are wide with fear. SHE climbs out of the hole and begins racing madly for the tent. BILL and BARB are walking toward the tent from the opposite direction. BILL sees MARY running toward the tent, and calls to her.

  BILL

  Wow! You’re okay.

  MARY (Panting, almost hysterically).

  I saw them. I saw them!

  BILL

  Relax. Slow down. … You saw who?

  MARY

  Them!

  BILL

  Who?

  MARY (pushes BILL way)

  Them! … Them. They’re real.

  BILL

  Make sense.

  BARB

  Bill, c
an’t you see she’s hysterical?

  BILL

  What’s wrong?

  MARY

  I saw them. I saw giant … giant grasshoppers – and they talked. TALKED!

  BARB (holds MARY in her arms)

  Calm down; everything okay.

  BILL

  Show me.

  BILL pulls MARY away from BARB.

  BILL (Cont’d)

  Did you saw grasshoppers … talking?

  BARB

  Stop, Bill, let her be!

  MARY (Cries and knells to the ground, holding her face in her hands)

  I want to go home.

  BILL (Picks MARY off the ground with both hands and shakes her)

  Tell me what you saw! Tell me. Stop crying.

  BARB

  Bill, stop, let be alone.

  MARY

  I’ll … I’ll show you. I’ll show you where the ladder is.

  MARY points with her hand.

  BILL

  They’re underground? … And they talk?

  MARY

  Yes. I show you.

  BILL

  Okay!

  BILL allows her to fall to the ground as HE runs to the car and takes a coil of rope and a flashlight from the trunk. MARY leads BILL and BARB up the side of the hill to the small hole with the ladder.

  BILL

  Down there?

  MARY

  Yes! Down there.

  BILL

  I’m goin’ down.

  BARB

  Maybe we should get help.

  BILL

  Hell no!

  MARY

  You’re crazy! They’re monsters.

  BILL

  No! This is my big chance.

  MARY

  I shouldn’t have told me. See if I care if they eat you.

  BARB

  You’re a fool, think this through first.

  BILL brushes the two girls off with a wave of disgust, then climbs into the hole. We see him descending slowly down the ladder … down, down, down. HE gets to the tunnel and begins crawling toward the light over the loft. When he gets to the loft he creeps forward to the edge, peers over. The Grasshoppers have left. BILL inches forward a little more. The flooring of the loft cracks and breaks as BILL falls to the floor below and lies unconscious. The Grasshoppers, having heard the noise, come rushing into the room and see BILL lying sprawled out on the floor by the table. The Grasshoppers hop about in a frenzied dance of consternation.

  IRVING

  It’s one of those people-creatures.

  AUNT LULU

  It’s so ugly I think I may throw up!

  LOCKJAW

  What are we going to do with it?

  ZED

  Is it dead?

  DUFFY leans down and examines BILL.

  DUFFY

  No … it’s still breathing.

  IRVING

  Too bad.

  POPPA FRED

  If it wakes up, it’ll eat us. Run for the hills.

  DUFFY

  We’re in the hills.

  POPPA FRED

  Then run for the valleys!

  IRVING

  There’s a rope over there! It must have brought it. I say we tie it up until we decide what to do with it.

  ZED

  Yes. Tie it up before it attacks us.

  DUFFY

  All right – but don’t hurt it.

  IRVING

  Why should we hurt it? We ‘re not people-creatures. We’re civilized grasshoppers.

  The GRASSHOPPERS scurry about, trying BILL’S feet and hands with the rope.

  AUNT LULU

  Cover its face! It’s so gruesome I can’t stand to look at it!

  DUFFY

  Now we must adjourn to the Sanctuary and decide what to do with it.

  IRVING

  If we let it go, it will tell other people-creatures about us

  DUFFY

  We can’t keep it. I don’t think people-creatures make good pets. Anyway, it’ll never stops eating, we’ll be spending all our time feeding it.

  AUNT LULU

  It may not even be housebroken.

  ZED

  Maybe we could train it to do tricks?

  FLORABELLE

  What about that idea?

  AUNT LULU

  Not every question deserves an answer.

  POPPA FRED

  Nope, nope! Those varmints can’t be trained to do nothin’ but lie, cheat, rob and kill! - the most dangerous creatures on earth. I know – I read books about ‘em.

  AUNT LULU

  Yes, their evil deeds carry a round trip ticket.

  ZED

  What does that mean?

  DUFFY

  They don’t have to be trained how to do those things. Treachery and greed seem to come naturally to them.

  IRVING

  As I see it, we have a problem. A big problem that is … BIG!

  DUFFY

  Great grasshoppers! We must leave for Mexico sooner then we planned. We can’t have to let it go. Everybody to the Sanctuary. We have some-heavy, heavy thinking to do.

  The GRASSHOPPERS rush out of the rooms through a tunnel on the other side. A few seconds pass, then FLORABELLE creeps stealthily back in. SHE kneels down besides BILL, who is beginning to stir.

  BILL

  Where am I? What happened?

  FLORABELLE

  You’re in Grassalot

  BILL’s eyes focus and HE sees FLORABELLE clearly for the first time.

  BILL

  You’re … you’re a grasshopper … and takes. Wow, a grasshopper.

  FLORABELLE

  I know that.

  BILL

  A giant talking grasshopper! I’m talking with a talking grasshopper.

  FLORABELLE

  Giggling.

  I know that, too.

  BILL

  And I’m tied up! And my head hurts.

  FLORABELLE

  And you’re very ugly.

  BILL

  What! I’m ugly?

  FLORABELLE

  But I’m sure it’s not your fault.

  BILL

  I’m going to try to be rational and scientific about all this. The first thing I want to know, is this ‘cause I hit my head? Maybe a … a nightmare?

  FLORABELLE

  I don’t think so. And if it is, is it yours or mine?

  BILL

  How did you get so big? … How did you learn to talk?

  FLORABELLE

  Well, I’m not really very big. You see, my great-great grandfather was a katydid so I’m smaller than average.

  BILL

  You mean there are more like you?

  FLORABELLE

  Oh, yes. Twenty-eight more here in Grassalot, but there are eight-seven at our colony in Mexico. It’s called Grasselrancho.

  BILL

  I still don’t know how you got so much bigger than … than regular grasshoppers. And how did you learn to talk?

  FLORABELLE

  All I know is our ancestors were north of here and there was a big bang ---

  BILL

  A big “bang?”

  FLORABELLE

  A very big bang.

  BILL

  North of here … Nevada! An atomic explosion.

  FLORABELLE

  I don’t know what you call it, but they say it was a weird kind of bang and then our great-great grandparents began growing … and our growing and growing, getting bigger and bigger. … And so big they had to hide in this abandoned mine so you people-creatures couldn’t find them and eat them.

  BILL

  People-creatures? You mean humans?

  FLORABELLE

  Oh huh.

  BILL

  And you think people would eat you?

  FLORABELLE

  With chocolate syrup.

  BILL

  That’s totally ridiculous!

  FLORABELLE

  Yes, it is. I’m sure we wouldn’t
taste very good. Especially Poppa Fred. He’s very old. Anyway, we found a way to grow corn and stuff, down here and there’s lots of water so we live very well. But pretty soon we have to move to our Colony in Mexico because we’re afraid you people-creatures will discover us.

  BILL

  You have two legs!

  FLORABELLE (Holding out her arms)

  Four. These are legs, too.

  BILL

  Those are arms.

  FLORABELLE

  Huh uh. They’re legs that look like arms and have hands as the ends. Papa says we’re … let’s see, what does he call us? Oh, yes – mutations. We still have wings but we’re too

  heavy to fly, so they’re just ornamental. Do you like my wings?

  BILL

  Beautiful. But how did you learn to talk?

  FLORABELLE

  Papa taught me.

  BILL

  And where did he learn?

  FLORABELLE

  From his papa.

  BILL

  But …

  FLORABELLE

  Grasshoppers have been talking for a long, long time. Maybe millions of years. We just keep it a kind of secret.

  BILL

  Amazing! Listen, why don’t know you untie me and let me go? I promise not to say anything to anyone about you.