Before I continue, I have to offer another word of caution. In no way, shape, or form do I suggest that what I’m about to tell you is good theology. Not even close. But it’s so pivotal to my journey, there’s no way to exclude it if I’m to be transparent with my testimony. So here goes. On March 29, 2003, I wrote the following on the first page of a new journal:
Lord,
Today I ask you with all my heart to help me make a new start in my prayer life. I ask Your forgiveness for my negligence in my walk with You. With this new day and this fresh page, please help me make You and make prayer a priority once again. Father, I need You. And I need Your help. I’m committing to meet You here every day. Please strengthen me, especially in my discipline, and fill me with the desire to draw close to You. Forgive my apathy, and draw me back to You. As honestly as I know how, I open my heart to you and ask You to come in once again. Renew my passion for You, Lord. Help me dust off my Bible and reconnect.
I know what you’re thinking. Whoa, what a committed Christian. How bold. How spiritual. You can almost hear the angels singing in heaven! What a beautiful, heartfelt prayer. Isn’t it, though? There’s just one thing wrong with it. What I actually felt, deep in the dark recesses of my heart, what I didn’t dare put down on paper, is the following.
God, I’m tired of playing this game, this so-called “walk” with You. I’m so sick of my life and my failed attempts to be genuine and real, that I’m ready to throw down the gauntlet. I’ll keep my promise to meet with You every single day for a week. If, at the end of the week, I can see a real difference in my life, then I’ll commit to another week. Then another after that. For as long as it takes. But if spending time with You for the next seven days in a row does NOT improve my life or affect any kind of change in my heart and my walk with You, then I’m over it. I’m done.
Ouch. You have no idea how painful it is to see those words in print. But there they are. Whenever I think back about it, I see this image of me shaking my freckled little fist at God. Can you imagine? Even now, it sends a shiver down my spine—the audacity to say such a thing to Almighty God. It’s a wonder I wasn’t struck by lightning.
And then I visualize something else. Times in my life as a mother when one of my kids would be so angry with me, they’d yell, “I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!” or “I can’t wait to leave this house and never come back.” Words spoken in white-hot anger that always cooled—eventually. In my heart I knew my child didn’t really mean those words. I’d said them to my own mother a few times. Still, to hear them from the mouth of my own child—a child I’d brought into this world and nurtured and cherished and loved—to hear such words always left a wound in my heart. How much deeper the pain we inflict on our loving Father when our words pierce His heart and our actions betray Him.
Of course, I’d always been taught that God grants us His mercy and His love even when we don’t deserve it. And for the record, none of us do. Just to think He would respond as He did to my pathetic, bratty outburst? Unthinkable. But my heavenly Father showed up in ways I couldn’t have imagined; in ways that could only be explained as coming from the One who loved me unconditionally. He knew my dreams and the desires of my heart (after all, He put them there), so He knew precisely where and how to get my undivided attention.
God Revealed Himself to Me
At the time, I’d been working on a novel for several months, but I’d hit a brick wall. A big one. Not long after that first week’s challenge to God, I began to notice those bricks falling away. In fact, the story was pouring itself into my head so fast I could barely keep up as I pounded my keyboard. What a rush! I’d also been waiting anxiously to hear from several publishers and agents I’d submitted other projects to. Patience is not one of my virtues, as you’ve probably guessed by now. I had almost given up hope of ever hearing from any of them. Then, a couple of weeks later, I got a contract from an agent. I couldn’t believe it. But even in my still-fragile state of mind and renewed walk with God, I knew exactly Who to thank. Finally. Finally! I was going to see my dream come true. It was just the break I needed at the precise moment I needed it. Who but God could have pulled that together?
One day in the midst of that first week, I was browsing the book section of a local store. I’m a serious coffee-lover, so when I spotted the picture of a coffee cup and saucer on a book entitled Fresh-Brewed Life: A Stirring Invitation to Wake Up Your Soul 1 I grabbed a copy. I didn’t know it at the time, but God used that alluring book cover to place a life-changing book in my hands. I devoured that book. Or, should I say, I drank in that book? I couldn’t put it down. I loved it so much, I raced back to the store to buy more copies, but they’d sold out. I went online, ordering copies to send some of my closest friends and family.
What was so special about Fresh-Brewed Life (hereafter referred to as FBL)? The author, Nicole Johnson, is a gifted communicator both in print and in front of live audiences. I loved her self-deprecating sense of humor and her ability to dig deep to mine precious pearls of wisdom that remind us of God’s profound love for each one of us. But apart from all that, it became obvious that God led me to that book, in that particular week, to speak to me in a specific way. Let me show you an example. During that first week, I wrote this entry in my prayer journal.
I read an amazing chapter today in FBL about the voices we hear in our heads from the enemy; how they fill us with negativity and hopelessness and hold us back from reaching for our dreams. God reminded me to banish those voices and tune in to HIS voice. Moments later, while reading in the Psalms, these verses jumped off the page at me: “Make me to hear joy and gladness . . . Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation” (Psalm 51:8,12, KJV). These were the words of God, the voice I’ve longed to hear!
The next day’s entry.
“What you are passionate about was created in you to make a splash in this life that no one else can make. Make it. Make it now.”2 Never once have I ever realized the truth of that statement. Me? Making a splash no one else can make? Thank You, God! How I needed to hear that today!
And the next.
Today, Nicole hit a nerve. She talked about dealing with disappointment through what she called “spectator living”—when, rather than follow our dreams and longings, we don’t even try, so we won’t be disappointed . . . “We never pause long enough to listen to our dreams, so we don’t have to be responsible for them . . . If we don’t wish or dream, we aren’t disappointed. If we aren’t disappointed, we can tolerate our lives.”3 I have to ask myself how long I’ve been living like this? Lord, I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. Like there’s a huge “NOW WHAT?” sign standing in front of me. Will I live the second half of my life just drifting along, full of regrets and disappointments? The thought of that nauseates me.
Those thoughts sent me on a quest to discover my dreams and goals, sort of a Bucket List of things to do before I die. Realistic dreams and goals, but also those that might stretch me out of my comfort zone. By the start of week 6, here’s what I wrote in my journal.
I’m noticing a thrill unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. Lord, since I’ve started this challenge to meet You faithfully every day, I find I have more ideas and things I want to do than I’ll ever be able to do in my lifetime. And it feels WONDERFUL! Thank You, Lord. But what do I do with all of these ideas? Where do I go from here? I’m practically giddy with all these things bouncing around in my head!
Giddy? Moi? How did I go from near despair—threatening to walk away from my faith in God forever—to giddy? I realized there could be only one explanation: God. He made good on His promise to love me, warts and all, and He showed up to meet me where I was—bitter and exhausted and spiritually out of gas. I offered Him seven days, He offered me unconditional love for all eternity. And for the first time in my life, I realized it was okay to place value on all that He made me to be.
I realized I was worthy of His love because He made me in His own image! Sure, I’d know
n these things in my head, but I’d never believed them with my heart. Accepting this unconditional love in my heart made a huge difference in my life.
The freedom I discovered on this journey has manifested itself over and over and over again. I could pull hundreds of excerpts from my prayer journals and fill every page of this book, giving so many examples of the ways God has touched my heart, restoring me to my salvation.
But enough about me. Now it’s your turn.
Let’s roll up our sleeves and find out how to get you started on your prayer journey. Even before you turn this page, be assured I’m praying for you to catch the thrill and joy of meeting God one-on-one, every day. I pray it becomes as necessary to your daily life as breathing. I pray it becomes such a significant part of your life that you can’t imagine how you ever lived without it.
Ready? Let’s do it!
The person who really wants to do something finds a way; the other person finds an excuse.
—AUTHOR UNKNOWN