I hate feeling so unbalanced, not having a place here. In fact, the feeling is so unwelcome, that I need to do something about it. It’s time that I escape whatever slump I’ve been in. I start by tossing the ice cream in the trash barrel right outside the kitchen. I’m not in the mood for eating. I need to figure out what to do about Jake and his admission. He’s willing to try to be with me. That means that I can’t be the person that I’ve always been.
“Hey Carmen,” Tia greets as I walk into the living room. Part of me wants to sneak out the back door and walk along the house and eavesdrop on what Jake’s father Leon is saying to him. But I don’t. I’m too skittish to be sneaky, and if I get caught, that would only ruin my slim chance with Jake.
“Where’s Alec?” I ask her. Tia grins.
“The little guy is spending some quality time with Uncle Ben. Isn’t that sweet?” Not really, but I don’t tell her so. Ever since Tia’s parents killed my great uncle Vincent, there has been some sore feelings. My parents were close to the old man. Taking Tia in wasn’t an option for them. Two years later, my Dad forces himself to talk to her. But I know how hard it is. I sit in the recliner and stare at my older cousin.
“What do you want to do with your future?” I ask her. Tia grins.
“I want to be a star!” She says it with absolute certainty, that jealousy needles my gut. I wish that I could be so certain about my future. I’m majoring in journalism because I enjoy searching for the truth. But am I passionate about truth? Why am I even thinking about this? Maybe it’s because I feel so lost unless I’m with Jake. He gives me a purpose. I don’t want him to give me a reason to function. When I get hurt, it will be too difficult to recover.
“How are you going to become famous, Tia? Do you have a hidden talent?” She nods.
“I love to sing. I also play guitar.” I’m thrown off by her sudden admission. I guess that I’ve never bothered getting to know her. Being Grandmother’s favorite has always put her at odds with everyone else.
“Do you write songs?”
“Sometimes. Ever since Alec was born, my….” She pauses and shakes her head. “I’ve been having writer’s block.” The whiny voice is back again. I sigh.
“Can I hear a song sometime?” I ask. She pales as if horrified by the fact.
“No. I…” She darts out of the room, and I sigh. There’s one more person that I’ve forgotten. Maybe Jake can help me figure Tia out. She’s become quite the mystery.
“Carmen,” Jake calls as he rushes back into the living room. His dark eyes are cold, and his posture is stiff. Why can’t he be the man that told me he was willing to try? What did his father say?
“What’s wrong?” I ask him. He shakes his head at me.
“Forget about what I said. Being with you would be filled with too many complications.” He doesn’t even wait for me to respond. He leaves the room, taking whatever hope I had left with him. Well, so much for that. Carmen, now you are utterly alone.
It takes me a while to leave the living room. I guess that the emotional roller-coaster is getting to me. But then I remember that I can’t run into anyone else. I need to be strong and firm while one cousin or aunt talks about themselves. And I can’t do that anymore. I race out of the room, into the elevator and don’t breathe a real sigh of relief until I reach my bedroom.