Over and over again, playing out in my mind.
Something else I learned from the meetings. Addicts lied. They lied so much they couldn’t tell the difference between the two anymore.
Austin was different, right?
I walked past the room that was going to be our baby’s, probably a hundred times in a few hours. Debating on going in there, the intuition to walk into the bedroom along with the voice in the back of my head hammering at me to go in there wouldn’t stop.
As much as I wanted it to.
As much as I tried.
I opened the door and turned on the lamp that was sitting on the nightstand. Taking in everything immediately as if it were about to disappear any second. Everything appeared the way it should be. Nothing seemed out of place even though Austin spent a lot of time in there.
I walked around the room. My fingers lightly touched along the walls.
“I think we should do a soft yellow color on the walls in this room.”
“A soft pink. It’s a girl, Briggs, I know it.”
My feet softly skimmed the wooden floors.
“We need to have Lucas install carpet in here.”
“Austin, the floor doesn’t need to get replaced.”
He kissed the tip of my nose. “I protect what’s mine.”
I looked around the closet, still picturing the baby clothes that Austin surprised me with that I had to hang up the same afternoon he gave them to me.
“Not that one, baby.” He grabbed the “You’re all we ever wanted” onesie out of my hands. “This is the one we will take her home in,” he rasped, getting down on his knees to kiss my belly.
A few weeks after the miscarriage, I’d found myself in the baby’s room, crying for what felt like the millionth time. Skimming my fingers over the onesies that Austin was so excited to show me. All of it was just a painful reminder of what we would never be bringing home. I decided it was best for the both of us if I took all the baby stuff and store it back in the same box Austin had given me. Placing it back on the exact shelf where it was in the closet. Except this time, it wasn’t empty anymore. It now held all of our hopes and dreams inside of it.
All of our sadness and despair.
It was one of the last times I ever stepped foot back into that room. I held the box firmly in my sweaty hands, slowly walking toward the bed, each step bringing me closer to our truths. I sat down on the soft place that contained all our happy memories of the baby we lost.
My heart was pounding out my chest, my ears ringing, echoing all around the room. I placed the box in my lap and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. Preparing myself for I don’t know what or maybe I did know and didn’t want to come to grips with it. I removed the lid off the box and placed it beside me. Trying like hell to ease the fear I felt in my heart. The anxiety I couldn’t ignore for the last year and a half. Something led me there, and I had a feeling I knew exactly what that something was.
“He doesn’t lie to you, Briggs, he has never lied to you,” I reassured myself, opening my eyes.
Seeing for the first time, exactly how many fucking lies he told me, and I believed him.
Every. Last. One.
Chapter 35
<>Austin<>
“Hey, man,” Dylan called out, bringing my attention over to him.
I placed the order for our dinner and made my way over to the boy’s table.
“Have a beer with us,” Lucas said, pulling out the chair next to him. “Barely seen you around lately, brother. Everything alright?”
Jacob handed me a beer and I took a swig, placing it down on the table.
“Just working,” I simply stated.
“Bullshit. We’re all fucking working,” Jacob chuckled. “And we all have kids. Try again, motherfucker.”
Dylan narrowed his eyes at me, and I played it off like I didn’t see it.
“We’re all fuckin’ adults now. We’re not kids, and we’ve all gone through shit,” Dylan added only looking at me. “Fuckin’ talk. No judgments here.”
I took another swig of my beer, leaning back into my chair, resting the bottle in my lap.
“There’s so much shit you don’t know,” I scoffed out, shaking my head. “I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“How about from the beginning,” Jacob suggested.
All eyes were on me.
“No one has time for my life story.”
“Good, we don't want to hear how fuckin’ borin’ you are. What's been going on with Briggs?” Dylan asked.
“She was pregnant.”
They all jerked back, stunned. Dylan followed, “Was?”
“She woke up in a pool of her own blood one night. The doctor said it happens a lot I guess. I don’t fucking know.”
I shrugged like it was no big deal, when it was really tearing at my heart again. I took another swig of my beer, avoiding their stares.
“Fuck…” Jacob breathed out. “That’s rough to come back from. How is she?”
“I don’t even know.”
Lucas frowned. “What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means I’m a fucking asshole. From the second the doctor told us it was a miscarriage, I blamed her. I blamed the woman who has done anything and everything for me. The same woman that has saved my sorry ass more fucking times than I care to count,” I admitted out loud for the first time.
Immediately feeling like the piece of shit I knew I was.
“There’s got to be a reason you feel that way, Austin. We’re all fucking assholes. Especially that son of a bitch right there.” Lucas grinned, angling his beer toward Dylan. “We know you love her. You’re just as pussy-whipped as we all are.”
“Speak for yourself,” Dylan chimed in.
“You may not be with Aubrey, but that doesn’t mean you don’t want to be. Play that card somewhere else, McGraw,” Jacob called him out. “But this isn’t about you—”
“Listen, guys, I really appreciate this, but I don’t want to—”
“No shit, Austin. You never want to talk about it. It’s who you’ve always been. How far has that gotten you, huh?” Lucas countered, interrupting me.
The words were spilling out of my mouth before I even knew it.
“Briggs had a fucking abortion, alright? Happy now? Years ago. For reasons I don’t want to get into with you assholes. I think a part of me has never forgiven her for it. I love her more than anything and I don’t blame her for her choices, but I can’t help the way I feel. Her miscarrying just brings all that shit back up for me. I question whether the miscarriage had something to do with the abortion even though I don’t think that’s even physically possible. All my thoughts and feelings are irrational and fucking selfish, but there isn’t anything I can do to make them go away. So there…”
I drank the rest of my beer, placing it on the table. I stood shocked as shit that I had just shared that. I’d never told anyone.
“The fact that I even just admitted all of this to you makes me hate myself even more than I have since the miscarriage. I’m fucked up. I’m so fucked up in my head that it’s just a cluster of bullshit in a hollow place. I love her more than anything. I couldn’t imagine my life without her. She’s my reason. For everything.”
I took a deep breath, rubbing the back of my neck.
“Austin, we’ve all fucked up. Especially with our girls. You’re human, bro. You need to stop punishin’ yourself and just fuckin’ talk to her. I know that’s hard for any man, but fuck it,” Dylan advised.
“Have you talked to Aubrey? Huh? You forgiven her?” I threw back at him.
He winced. It was quick, but I saw it.
“Exactly.” With that I turned and left.
I grabbed our dinner order from the counter and got my sorry ass in the fucking car. Needing to get away from them. To get away from this fucking hell that has lived inside of me for God knows how long. I felt every minute of that drive home, down to every last second.
My mind raced.
My body craved.
My heart shattered.
By the time I made it home, I was running out of the car. Throwing the food on the island table, heading straight for the stairs. Taking them three at a time. My body came to an immediate stop, the force alone almost knocking me the fuck over.
The bedroom door was open. The room that was going to be our baby’s. The room that Briggs never went in.
The room I used for the sole purpose to betray her.
I couldn’t move. My feet were glued to the goddamn floor. The only light shining in our dark house came from the same place I let my darkness take over me. My heart was pounding out of my chest. My palms became clammy and sweat pooled at my temples. The walls of the hallway were closing in on me.
The fucked up voices already screaming, “No! No! No!” In my mind. I gripped the back of my head, wanting to rip my goddamn hair out. Trying to decide if I should leave or face what might be waiting for me on the other side of that door. I took a deep breath and made myself walk forward, each stride brought me closer to my own demise.
No more excuses.
No more lies.
No more I’m sorry.
I pushed the partially closed door open and walked into the room. Briggs' head was bowed, her body slumped over with her purple hair slightly hiding her face. She looked so broken. So defeated. So fucking sad. As if every last part of her had died. My closed box was securely placed in her hands, her grasp so tight that her knuckles had turned white.
She knew.
She finally peered up at me after what felt like maybe a few minutes, hours, days… everything blended together now. Nothing made sense in my life anymore. All I knew was my whole world was sitting on that bed.
The good and the bad.
My angel and my devil.
With a solemn expression she asked, “This what you’re looking for, Austin?” She held up the box, finally looking me in the face.
I swallowed hard. It felt like knives going down my throat, directly toward my heart. Just from the look on her tear-stained face. It was always the same goddamn look.
Hurt, disgust, disappointment.
Making me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
“How long?” she said barely above a whisper.
My eyes shifted back and forth between her and the box. Battling between the woman I loved most in the world and the box that held the things I hated the most but craved.
“How long have you been fucking lying to me?!” she screamed loud enough to shatter glass.
I didn’t even bat an eye as I replied, “Since the night I relapsed.”
She grimaced, the impact of the truth crashing into her. She stood from the bed with the box still in her grasp. Walking over to the furthest corner of the room, away from me.
“I don’t even get high anymore, baby. It’s not even about that. I need it to take the edge off. I swear to you that’s all,” I rasped out, trying like hell to keep it together.
Tears slid down her face onto the box in her hands.
Our baby.
My lies.
The truth.
“You need this shit," she said, lifting the box up. "To be with me,” she wept her voice breaking. “That’s why? Because of me, right? That’s what you’re taking the edge off of?”
I shook my head no, grabbing the back of my neck.
“Then what? What excuse do you have now? What lie are you going to tell me? Do you even know anymore, Austin? The truth from the fucked-up fiction you created in your head to justify why you’re an addict.”
“Briggs.” I stepped toward her, but she put her hand up in the air stopping me dead in my tracks.
“I’m just as fucked up as you are! I’m your fucking enabler! I make excuses and lies for you because I love you! Because it kills me to think that you’re not the man I fell in love with! The man that protected me from every bad thing in this world! The man who was my first friend! The one that made me feel safe and loved for the first time since my parents died! The same man that’s looking at the box with all his fucking drugs in it, rather than looking at me!”
My body was physically starting to cave in on me. Pushing me further and deeper into the black abyss of an addict. I hadn’t used since I found Briggs in the kitchen that afternoon, before I left to go to the shop. My head was throbbing, my body clawing at itself, and the ache spreading through me was so fucking crippling. I blamed my relapse on the pain that the miscarriage caused.
I kept using because the guilt I felt from blaming her was unforgiving. It didn’t help that I kept seeing our babies when I was high.
Everything about it was so fucked up.
Every time I used, I told myself I wasn’t going to do it again, that this was the last time. I couldn’t bear the pain of her knowing, of her finding out that I fucked up once again. I was a fucking coward. I couldn’t have her see me get sick and know the reason behind it. I honestly used to take the edge off, but today was the first time that I wanted to use to cope with all the emotional bullshit.
I wanted her to know the truth. I wanted to say all of this to her. To know every last secret, every last lie, every last demon in my fucked up existence. To finally be honest with her like I should have done before I relapsed following the miscarriage. But I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth. I could barely form any coherent thoughts, the overpowering crave to use took over my mind, body and soul.
My nose started running, my teeth chattered, my body locked up. The hot and cold sweats were kicking in, creeping upon my skin. It wouldn’t take long for the nausea and the cramping to hit either. Turning me into the man with no desire for anything, other than taking away the pain from my body betraying me.
As I betrayed her.
The irony was not lost on me.
“Baby, please…” I begged not knowing what for, as I leaned over, placing my hand on my stomach.
There were so many tears coming down Briggs’ face that I could barely see her eyes anymore. Her beautiful smile replaced with nothing but agonizing pain and despair.
“Please what, Austin? What are you jonesing for? What can I enable you with now?”
“Briggs…” I rasped, clearing my throat that felt like it was closing up on me.
Fighting back the ache in my bones. Willing my body not to betray me any further.
Betray her.
“For the longest fucking time I blamed myself for doing this to you. For bringing you into this lifestyle, practically shoving drugs at you,” she admitted with her head bowed.
The hurt from withdrawing and seeing her like this was causing me to die a little more inside. She slowly looked up at me, her hair falling away from her tear-streaked face.
With nothing, but emptiness in her eyes.
“I kept telling myself that you would have never become an addict if I wasn’t there to enable you. That I am truly the cause of your demise. This is one of my biggest excuses I use to forgive you over and over again. It’s one that I’m battling with right now as I sit here looking at the man that is supposed to love me, trying to find him under all his cluster fuck of lies. All I see is the man that has been lying to me for the last year and a half! I don’t know who you are anymore, and I’m starting to think I never did.”
“Jesus Christ, Briggs…”
I was starting to see spots, my vision coming in and out of clarity. I blinked a few times to no avail. I leaned up against the wall for stability. The last thing I needed right now was to give her another reason to fucking hate me.
“I fell in love with you when I was seventeen years old on a balcony without even knowing your name. I loved you then, did you know that? Now I can’t even fucking look at you. It kills me to fucking look at you! Do you have any idea how much I hate you for that! You were the only good thing in my life, Austin! The only fucking happiness I’d ever had! How could you do this to me! How could you make me hate you! I fucking hate you! I hate you so damn much! I hate your
apologies! I hate your excuses! Your lies! Your fucking love! Especially because I can’t stop loving you! And I want to… I want to stop loving you so fucking bad it hurts everywhere inside of me. Especially here.” She put her hand against her heart. “But I can’t! I love you still and I fucking hate you for that!” she bawled, her body shaking so fucking hard it mirrored mine.
My girl stood there breaking in front of me and all I could do was stand there and watch her go down. I couldn’t comfort her. I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t do one damn thing but watch.
My body wouldn’t let me. It was dying right along with hers.
“Do you hear me?! Do you understand me?! I fucking hate you! I HATE YOU! Do you even care?! Am I even important to you?! Do I even matter to you anymore? Or have I been replaced by your demons, Austin? By your fucking drugs!”
“I love you more than anything,” I let out in one breath.
“LIAR! You’re such a fucking liar!” she screamed out so damn loud.
Her body gave out on her and she crumbled to the ground, rocking back and forth on her knees. I shuddered. It reminded me of a waterfall, she was a pile of nothing at the bottom. Clutching the box tight against her chest. Wanting to feel closer to our baby. Wanting to keep my stash that I so desperately needed right now to survive, away from me.
“Why do you keep doing this to me? Why can’t you just stop? Why do you keep hurting me? After everything we have been through! Everything you have put me through! Why can’t you just love me? Me, Austin. Your girl. Why am I not enough for you, like you are for me! Why?” she bellowed, question after question with no pauses in between.
Not giving me a chance to speak, even though I couldn’t get my goddamn mouth to move.
I fell to the ground in pure agony for her.
For how I was feeling right that moment.
Pain.
Sliding against the wall, inch-by-inch, feeling every word she said to me, piercing my soul. Feeling every sensation that coursed through my veins, breaking my heart and will to keep going. I needed to make this better, but I couldn’t get the fucking words out to talk to her.
My body wouldn’t let me.