The drugs had taken over.
It was like I was there, but I wasn’t. My body was in the room, but my mind was lost. I got on my hands and knees, and slowly crawled to her. Trying to reach for my angel as the devil clawed at my feet. Each movement made my sore muscles ache in ways I had never experienced before.
“Daisy…” I murmured so low, my voice sounding so distant.
I knew she couldn’t hear me over her sobs of despair. I watched the scene from above us as if I was having an out of body experience. Her sobs would forever haunt me. I would remember her like this, always. A curled up, broken woman tucked away in the corner, waiting for someone to heal her.
“Baby…” I whispered against her tear-stained face.
Her cheek felt so warm against my cold skin.
“I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry…” I managed to say, kissing all over her face, soaking up her tears that were still falling from her torn eyes. “I love you… where’s my girl? Hmm… where’s my Daisy?” I whispered close to her ear so she could hear my sincerity.
She shook her head, closing her eyes, leaning away from me. At least that time she didn’t push me away.
“I’m sorry… I love you… please… baby… I love you…”
I sensed her resolve breaking. Her body betraying her like I had by giving into my embrace.
“I would never intentionally hurt you,” I reassured her, pulling her a little closer, feeling her warmth against my clammy exterior.
“I love you, Daisy. I love you more than anything. You know that. We’re best friends, remember?”
She winced still keeping her eyes shut. I pulled her hair back away from her face, grazing her cheeks with my trembling thumbs.
“You’re so fucking beautiful. I’m so lucky to have you, baby. You’re all I ever wanted. All I ever needed. I’m sorry… I’m so fucking sorry… you know I would die before hurting you. You know that. You’re my whole world.”
I shut my eyes, swallowing the bile that was rising in my throat. Leaning my forehead on her shoulder for support. I turned my face, laying soft kisses down her neck.
“Please… please… baby… I fucking love you…”
I kissed all along her cheeks again, savoring the feel of her against me. All while battling the urge to tear the box out of her hands. My eye’s fixated on it.
“Why do you keep doing this to me?” she wept, breaking down against my lips when I reached hers.
“Shhh… Shhh…”
I wrapped my arms around her, wanting her to seek the comfort she needed in my arms. Return the love that I always received from hers. I knew that I didn’t deserve it, but I was a selfish son of a bitch, I needed it. I held her shattering body in my trembling arms, physically feeling her soul breaking piece by piece. Every last part of her slipped through my hold. My limbs locked up on me from the slightest movements.
“Oh fuck… Daisy...” I groaned out in pure agony from everything.
Her swollen eyes suddenly opened, looking at me in a new light. We locked gazes for a second, taking each other in. As she reached up to wrap her arms around my neck, the box simultaneously fell from her grasp to the hard wood floor between us. The slow motion boom, echoed all around us. My mind was telling me no, but my body didn’t give it a second thought.
The ache won.
Betraying both of us.
I grabbed the box, and stood, my body moving on its own accord. Her arms slipped away from my neck, and I instantly missed her warmth.
Her love.
My Daisy.
My mind was raging war with my body, battling not to leave her there, broken. Struggling to not use again. Fighting for my life that was still sitting on the floor, realizing what I just did to her.
It wasn’t enough. It never was. I walked to the door without a second glance.
And left.
Chapter 36
<>Briggs<>
“Rock bottom.”
Two words I’d heard mentioned countless times in stories at the NA meetings. Every last addict repeating those two words, I never realized that I could have one too, not until that day. I thought after finding the drugs in the room that was supposed to be our baby’s and coming to the realization that he’d lied to me for the first time in over a year and a half, was my rock bottom.
Except it wasn’t.
He’d never chosen drugs over me.
I always came first.
No matter what, I was the most important thing. His demons, his struggles, his addiction were always secondary. Our love was number one, primary in all aspects of our fucked up lives.
I lost.
That was my rock bottom, and I couldn’t do it anymore.
I don’t know how long I sat there stunned by the turn of events. Crying my eyes out for what felt like the millionth time. The slamming of the front door jerked me away from my thoughts. There wasn’t an emotion left in my body for me to feel.
I raged with fury.
A decade of solitude and years spent void of any emotion. No love, an endless stream of hurt, pain, and emptiness always in my shadows. The barricade that surrounded my heart, never allowing me to leave, was a ticking time bomb that waited, had now exploded.
It was loud, disastrous, and chaotic.
It was going to take everything around me with it, like a tornado spinning around in circles. No one stood a chance, especially me. It elicited feelings I never thought would be possible, emotions that one should never have to experience.
I felt every loss of breath. It cluttered my mind willing me to keep going, to push through. I couldn’t keep up with the agony that grasped onto me like a fucking vice. Taking me deeper under the ground where there was no one, but… me.
Alone.
Forever destined to be alone.
Life was cruel like that.
I hated him…
I hated myself.
I crept up off the floor, my skin itching and my mind burning. My reflection in the mirror made me sick.
My misery.
My hand caught my mouth as I ran into the bathroom, hurling my head over to the toilet. I heaved over and over again.
Getting rid of the toxic poison inside of me. Our love.
I spit out the rest of it, wiping my lips with the back of my hand. I rinsed my mouth out with water and fervently shook my head side-to-side, trying to block out the last several hours of my life.
His lies.
His touch.
My memories.
Austin.
They were forever seared in my soul. It was now a piece of me, something that I would never be able to detach myself from. I screamed out my frustration, unleashing the rage, the wrath I no longer had any control over. It pounded into me as furiously as the truth did minutes ago. I walked out of the bathroom, slowly walking toward our bedroom. Remembering how many times he made love to me when he was high. When he was fucked up, fucking me. Lying to me, saying he wasn’t using. That he loved me. That I was his girl.
His Daisy.
I took one last look around the room before I grabbed my suitcase from the closet and threw it on the bed. Grabbing everything I could from my drawers. I scurried around the closet, my feet stomping everywhere I stepped, leaving a path of destruction in its wake. I packed everything I could find not caring what it was. My eyes blurred with tears every time I shoved a piece of me into my bag. My body twisted with the desire to fall apart. To crumble to pieces right then and there.
“I fucking hate you! I fucking hate you so much!” I yelled, talking to myself.
I repeated it over and over again to let it sink into my pores, wanting it to become a part of me. To fuel my determination to leave him and not look back. I grabbed a few things from the bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face. I hurried, rushing as fast as I could to get my shit together and leave. Praying that I could get the hell out of there before he got back. I didn’t want to hear his lies. His excuses. His manipulations.
Lur
ing me into his spider web of deceit.
I packed enough things to get me through the next few days, not knowing where the fuck I was going. Just knowing that I needed to get out of there. I zipped the suitcase and grabbed it off the bed, dashing out of the bedroom that I made out of nothing but love and devotion.
For him.
My heart pounded, and my ears rang as I raced down the stairs with my suitcase in tow. Rounding the corner so fast I almost tripped over my own two feet, catching myself on the wall before I fell over. I made it another ten steps before hearing the front door click, seeing the knob turn over, all playing out in slow motion in front of me. Stopping me dead in my tracks.
We locked eyes for only a few seconds when he opened the door. His drug-induced gaze going from my face to the suitcase I was firmly holding. The realization hitting him like a ton of fucking bricks.
We both heard it loud and clear.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He closed the door behind him. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he snapped, stepping toward me.
Causing me to take a step back.
He wavered, standing still.
“Daisy…” he coaxed, still peering back and forth between my face and the suitcase I was holding so fucking hard to the point of pain.
“I love you,” he said with so much sincerity in his tone.
That it nearly killed me to hear him say it.
“Get the fuck out of my way,” I roared, trying to side step him to no avail.
“Not a chance in fucking Hell, Briggs. Let’s talk, okay?” He put his arms out blocking my escape. “Talk to me—”
“Oh! Now you want to talk! Now that you’re high, Austin! Now that you chose your drugs over me—”
“I didn't choose drugs over you. I would never do that and you fucking know it! I was seconds from having a goddamn seizure up there,” he spewed, roughly jabbing his finger in the direction of the bedroom. “I was fucking dying! You know what withdrawal is! You have witnessed it first hand! The last thing I wanted was to have you see me like that again! I left so you wouldn’t have to—”
“Oh my God!” I blurted, accenting every word with wide eyes. “In your own fucked up head, you actually think that's fucking true! You actually think that you did that for me! That you didn’t just chose your precious drugs over me! Are you fucking kidding me? It doesn't matter what excuses you tell yourself, Austin! The truth is blatantly fucking there!”
“Stop fucking saying that, Briggs! I would never choose drugs over you! I would have fucking used in front of you if that were true! I wouldn’t have given a flying fuck if you saw me. I wouldn’t—”
“Oh my God!” I blurted, accenting every word with wide eyes. “In your own fucked-up head you actually think that's fucking true! You actually think that you did that for me! That you didn’t just choose your precious drugs over me! Are you fucking kidding me? It doesn't matter what excuses you give yourself, Austin! The truth is blatantly fucking there!”
“Stop fucking saying that, Briggs! I would never choose drugs over you! I would have fucking used in front of you if that were true! I wouldn’t have given a flying fuck if you saw me. I wouldn’t—”
“Have left the love of your life breaking down! Sobbing! Desperately trying to keep it together! Drowning in a sea of your fucking lies! Tell me, Austin! What wouldn’t you have done?! Lie to me some more?! Since you’re so fucking good at it! Take a bow, asshole, that was the performance of a lifetime.”
I immediately grabbed the vase of flowers off the counter that he brought home for me a few days ago and threw them directly at him.
“You selfish son of a bitch!” I screamed.
He ducked as the glass vase hit the door behind him, shattering into thousands of pieces. Mirroring my heart.
“Fuck you! Now get the hell out of my way!” I yelled as loud as I could.
My hands fisted at my sides. Traitorous waves of anger rolled off me. My body shook, vibrating down to my core. He was over to me before I even saw him coming. Reaching for my chin, forcing me to look at the disgrace of a man in front of me. I jerked my face out of his grasp.
“Baby, just let me explain. Please, just give me a chance to—”
“No! Not going to happen this time! You’ve had plenty of chances. You blew what was left. You did this to us, not me! You!”
As soon as I felt his strong arms wrap around my waist, I pushed him away as if his touch burned me.
“Don’t fucking touch me!” I shouted bloody murder, pushing him again as hard as I could.
His back hit the column, and I didn’t falter.
“You liar! You’re nothing but a fucking liar!” I repeated, hitting him all over his face and his body. Anywhere I could.
He tried to block each and every advance, so I pushed him and hit him harder. Taking out every ounce of frustration and hatred on him.
“Briggs, calm the fuck down,” he ordered, trying to grip onto my wrists.
“All you do is lie to me! That’s all you fucking do! I don’t even know who you are anymore! Maybe I never fucking did,” I cried, hitting and shoving him the closer he tried to come toward me.
I wasn’t strong enough to hold him back any longer. My attempts became weaker and weaker. My eyes blurred with nothing but tears. My body giving out on me with each second that passed between us.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I screamed, beating my fists on his chest.
Emotionally and physically drained.
Mentally spent.
I brought my hand up and slapped him across the face as hard as I could. Ready to slap him again when he shoved me against the wall.
“Do your best, baby,” he snidely rasped against my lips. Locking my wrists above my head. “We both know this is only foreplay for you,” he added, kissing me so damn hard I didn’t have a chance to reply.
I bit down on his lip till I tasted blood. He immediately jerked back, pulling my hair by the nook of my neck. I panted, frantically trying to gather my bearings. My body shaking, every part of my resolve was hammering all around me. I could hear it at my temples. I swear every part of my nervous system was breaking, shutting down, making it hard to see, let alone stand.
All I could do was feel and I didn’t want to fucking feel. It brought me nothing but turmoil and distress.
I weakly thrashed around some more, ignoring the pain in my head. The hurt in my heart. The sorrow in the depths of my soul. He held me tighter against his chest, both of us gasping for air. Adrenaline coursed through our veins.
“Stop! Fucking stop! I don’t want to hurt you!” he shouted, tightening his grasp on me.
I frustratingly screamed out, knowing that I wasn’t going anywhere unless he wanted me to. Closing my eyes, I tried to govern my breathing, my thoughts.
My fucking heart.
His grip loosened, and I felt his face brush against mine. The smell of cigarettes assaulted my senses. Memories instantly attacked my mind at rapid speed.
“Fuck you, Austin!”
“I’d rather fuck you, baby,” he rasped along my lips. “I’m sorry. I love you. You know that. You fucking know that… where’s my girl? Huh? Where’s my Daisy?”
I turned my face away from his, but he gripped my chin making me peer back up at him again. There was no fight left in me. I leaned my head back against the wall, glaring deep into his constricted pupils. We stared at each other for what felt like hours, both of us lost in our own darkness.
He rubbed my bottom lip with his thumb, licking away the blood from his own lips. For a moment, it felt good that I could cause him any pain. Even as minuscule as that for the suffering he put me through.
“I blamed you, Briggs,” he said out of nowhere, breaking my goddamn heart even more.
<>Austin<>
I wanted one minute to touch her, to look at her, to feel her, to hold her.
My other hand moved to the side of her face, lightly caressing her cheek. Slowly bringing down her walls
. I angled my head to the side to take in her beauty as I placed some of the damp pieces of her hair that had fallen, behind her ears. Her eyes were immense. I had never seen them so big.
So soft…
So warm…
So smooth…
She remained still the entire time, giving up on her assault. Her arms fell slack to her sides, and her back was placed firmly against the wall. She didn’t move or speak, as if she was taking me in as well.
“From the second I heard the doctor say it was a miscarriage, I blamed you. I should have told you that day, but I didn’t want to hurt you any more than you already were. I knew you were hurting too. That’s the reason why I kept using. I felt so fucking guilty for feeling that way toward you. Baby, you don’t deserve that. I’m sorry. I love you more than anything in this world. You know that, Briggs.”
Her chest rose and descended with each second that passed. Tsunamis of emotions raged in her eyes, and with each stroke of my fingers against her sensitive skin, I got to see each one unfold.
I leaned in and caressed her cheek with mine, still running my finger along the crevices of her lips.
“I fucking love you. I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you. Let me make it all better,” I whispered, clutching onto the back of her neck, needing her closer to my chest.
To my heart.
I trailed my fingers from her lips to her chin, and down to her neck, moving them to the sides of her body. I wanted to look into her eyes like nothing else existed but her. She seemed so fragile in my arms, vulnerable and broken. The pain I caused was all-consuming, burning into my skin. She stared up at me, her eyes never strayed from my face the entire time I spoke. I felt them stabbing me everywhere.
I roughly clung onto the back of her neck again and brought her to me. She came without a fight, letting me hug her tight to my body. She fit me like a glove, made only for me. With my face on the side of hers, I glided my cheek along the crevice of her jaw, making my way along the side of her neck.
“Please, baby… please forgive me…”
I moved my lips to her mouth and kissed her. She didn’t push me away. Kissing me back softly. I had touched every last part of her, but in that moment, it felt like the first time. It was different.