We were different.
“I need to be inside you,” I whispered in between kisses.
I unbuckled my jeans, and pushed up her skirt, slowly pulling her panties down. I gripped onto the back of her thigh, placing it on my hip. My pants fell to the ground effortlessly, my hard cock sprung free. She still didn’t say a word.
“I love you… I love you so much. I’ll fix this. Us. I promise. I’ll go back to rehab. Whatever it takes, baby.”
Caging her in with my arms, I aligned my cock at her opening before plunging into her pussy. In one swift movement, I was deep inside her. Her breathing hitched.
She cried out not saying a word.
I gripped onto her thigh again, lifting it higher to hold her in place. I thrust in and out, groaning in approval. Fucking her slow like she loved.
“Does that feel good, baby?”
Every thrust inside her, she felt the mass of my body movement, inching her a little higher each time. I softly kissed her, taking my time with each stroke of my tongue as it entwined with hers. Savoring the velvety feel of my mouth claiming hers. I pushed in and out of her before I pulled away needing to look into her eyes.
I knew Briggs’ body better than she did. My fingers moved to her clit and she let out a soft moan, her resolve breaking with each stroke. Her pussy clamped down onto my cock, and I knew she was close. Her head fell back against the wall and her arms wrapped around my neck. I lifted her up, wanting her legs wrapped around my torso.
I fucked her harder and with more determination. Her heart was beating as fast as mine. I kissed her passionately with everything that was left inside of me. Needing her to understand my shame and remorse.
“Fuck, you feel good,” I growled out. “Come on my cock, baby. Please let me feel you come for me.”
She moaned, squeezing her thighs with her release. Taking me right along with her. I held her in my arms for what felt like hours, but I knew it had only been minutes. When I placed her back onto the ground, she immediately backed away from me. Her body trembling like she was in shock or something.
“Daisy?” I grabbed her chin and she roughly jerked it away from me. “Shit. Are you okay? Was I too rough? Did I hurt you?”
She shut her eyes, letting tears stream down her face. I didn’t even realize she had been crying while we were making love.
“Fuck… baby. I’m sorry. I would never fucking hurt you.”
She instantly opened her eyes, and for the first time, I didn’t recognize the woman staring back at me.
My girl was gone.
She narrowed her eyes at me, shaking her head she scoffed out, “All you do is hurt me, Austin. That’s all you fucking do.”
I jerked back from the impact of her words.
“Congratulations, you got what you wanted. I gave into you. Your touch. Your lies. Your manipulation. Your love. Again. You know how to work me like I’m your favorite fucking toy. I’m done being played with. I can’t do this anymore with you. That right there… what just happened is how easily I lose all my sense of reasoning when it comes to you.”
I watched her grab her suitcase off the floor and walk to the door, taking my goddamn heart with her. She bowed her head, leaning it against the door like it killed her to be leaving me.
As much as it was killing me to watch.
At the last second she turned around and for a second, I thought my whole world was coming back to me.
“You’re addicted to drugs, Austin.” She shrugged, her voice breaking. “And I’m addicted to you.”
Looking deep into my eyes she spoke with conviction,
“And our love is just as fucking toxic.”
Chapter 37
<>Briggs<>
“How does that make you feel?”
“I hate it when you say that, Dr. Holden.”
“And yet after six months of coming to see me, you still know I have to say it,” my therapist chuckled.
Two days a week I sat on a comfortable leather sofa and poured my heart out to a complete stranger. We talked about anything and everything. Sometimes she just listened, and other times she asked questions. Trying to figure out the root of my problems and how to help me move on.
It had been six months since I left Austin. Six painful months since I ended up back in New York, knocking on my uncle’s penthouse door in the middle of the night. I had nowhere else to go. Before I even realized what I was doing and where I was, a woman answered the door. A young woman I had never seen before now.
“Jesus Christ, how many fucking times do I have to tell you not to answer the fucking door,” Uncle Alejandro roared.
“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t care what you fucking want?” she snapped back.
My eyes widened in disbelief that someone spoke to him that way and they were still standing. I’d never once seen a woman around my uncle, let alone in his penthouse. Even though I knew he went through pussy like they were nothing. I’d heard enough stories, but I’d never witnessed that side of him.
The door opened wider. He cocked his head to the side when he saw me, taking in my appearance. I could only imagine what he thought.
“Hey,” I greeted, fumbling with the strap of my bag. Not knowing what else to say.
He turned back toward the girl, who looked like she could be younger than me.
“Leave us,” he simply ordered.
She frowned, peering back and forth between us, even more confused than I was. She left.
“You’re kind of a dick.”
“So I’ve been told, but I’m not the one standing at your doorstep at five in the morning.”
“You know why I’m here. Let’s not pretend you don’t know everything that has been going on in my life. And I’ll pretend that you’ve been keeping tabs on me because you actually fucking care.” I walked past him. “I just need a place to crash for a few days until I figure out what I’m going to do. I’ll sleep in your guest bedroom, okay? You won’t even know I’m here. It will be like old times. You remember, right? You were hardly there for that too.”
He arched an eyebrow. “So this is a pleasant visit, I see. Perhaps we can blame your foul mood on your bitch-causing time.”
I rolled my eyes at his asshole remarks.
“You know where your bedroom is. I don’t think I need to remind you, seeing as you’re sharing such fond fucking memories from your childhood.”
“My bedroom? You kept my room?” I asked, shocked as shit. “Who are you?”
“Your uncle. The only family you have, peladita.”
“It makes me feel confused. Austin is the only man I’ve ever known outside of my uncle. He was my family. My heart. My reason. I miss him every single day, but I have so much hatred for him. I also still love him, which outweighs that hatred some days. I don’t blame him for my abortion. I did what I thought was the right thing to do at that time.”
“Do you think he would have stayed in recovery if you had kept the baby?”
I shook my head no. “If you would have asked me that back then I probably would have said yes, but now after everything that’s happened. I don’t think he would have stayed in recovery. Something would have happened to make him relapse. There was always something happening.”
“Do you think the abortion played as a downfall in his addiction?”
“I know it did.” I bowed my head, playing with the seam of my shirt. “I think that’s another reason I stayed so long. I felt responsible for some of his demons. The choices I made that not only affected me but him too.”
“That’s normal, Briggs. To feel the way you do. Have you spoken to him?”
“You know I haven’t.”
“Do you know how he’s doing?”
“See, that’s the worst part. I lost his friends and family too. I haven’t been back to Oak Island since I left. I don’t know if he’s in recovery. I don’t know anything anymore.”
“Is he still calling you?”
“Every day.”
r />
“Are you still listening to the messages? Reading the texts?”
“Not as much as I used to. I’m trying to be strong, but I can’t help the guilt I feel. I know you keep telling me that it wasn’t my fault that he became an addict. In my mind that makes sense, but in my heart, Doctor,” I placed my hand on my chest, “it doesn’t feel that way.”
“Austin is an addict, Briggs. He would have become one with or without you. Do you understand that?”
I nodded.
“Family members, especially partners, they always feel responsible no matter what. His problems became your problems, his demons became your demons, and his addiction became your burden. It would have killed you, had you stayed. You made the right choice by leaving him, Briggs. He wasn’t going to get any better with you there. Addicts need consequences. If they don’t have any then why would they change? I’m not saying that you leaving was his rock bottom, but eventually, he will find one. They always do. It’s just whether he will be alive when it happens.”
I grimaced. I couldn’t help it.
“I know that’s hard for you to hear. But in situations like these, it becomes about their lives. Only them. Killing yours in the process. Addicts die every day, Briggs. It’s the nature of the beast. If he doesn’t want to stay clean, then he won’t. Bottom line.”
“It was already killing me. I don’t understand why I stayed for as long as I did. I should have left years ago, but I couldn’t.”
“You loved him. You still love him. He’s a very sick man. Addiction is a disease, Briggs. It’s contagious in the sense that it overpowers everyone involved, including the non-addicts. You’re sick too. Which is why you’re here. Austin won’t get better until he wants to. You can’t want it for him. You stayed because you remembered the man he was. Not the man he became. They’re two different people. You can’t continue to blame yourself for that.”
I nodded again.
“Let me ask you this. If it weren’t for the guilt you have from him becoming an addict, bringing him into that life and then the abortion being another catalyst. Would you have stayed as long?”
I looked around the room, trying to seek the answer out like it was written somewhere on the walls.
“I wanted to save him,” I finally admitted out loud for the first time. “I wanted to save one person in my life.”
“Your parents,” she simply stated already understanding.
“I know it was just a coincidence that I had a temper tantrum when the car hit us. I do know that now. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence thinking I killed my parents’, Doctor. You know my uncle. Everything I’ve seen and lived through. I wanted to save someone. I didn’t want another person that I love to die. Not at my hands.”
Her eyebrows raised, surprised by my revelation.
“If you hated that life so much, Briggs, why did you stay? Why not leave when you turned eighteen?”
I nervously chuckled. “I spent years upon years asking myself that same question. Especially, when I first started working for him,” I paused to gather my thoughts. “My uncle is the only family I have. I was scared to be alone, plain and simple. I didn’t have any friends or role models in my life. Even though I hated what I was doing, it was the only life I’d ever known.”
She nodded, understanding. “How do you feel about your uncle?”
“I stopped trying to understand him decades ago. That man is a mystery.”
“Do you think he loves you?”
“I don’t think he knows the meaning of the word, Doctor,” I honestly spoke.
“He’s the reason you’re here, isn’t he?”
“He is, yes. I was still living with him at the time. A few days after I ended up at his penthouse, he woke me up and told me he scheduled an appointment with you. He said I needed to talk to someone who gave a fuck about what I was going through. I guess that was his way of showing me he cared, right?”
She smiled.
“I’ve wanted a family my entire life. I think a part of me thought that if I worked for my uncle that maybe he would be proud of me or something. That it would miraculously change our relationship.”
She cocked her head to the side.
“It’s stupid, I know.”
“That’s not stupid. You lost your parents at a very young age. It’s normal to want to find a home. You found that with Austin. It’s one of the reasons you fought so hard for him. You didn’t want to lose another person over life’s unpredictable circumstances.”
“It’s why I didn’t want him to start working for my uncle in the first place. I couldn’t stop that, so I thought that if I quit partying and doing drugs recreationally with him, he would stop too. But I know… he has to want to, I can’t want it for him,” I repeated the same phrase she had been telling me for months.
“Exactly.”
“One day at a time, right?”
She nodded. “You did good today, Briggs. It will get easier. Learning to love yourself is one of the hardest things for a person to do. Especially for the first time in their life.”
“Yeah,” I shyly smiled and nodded.
“Same next time week?”
“Yes. Thank you, Doctor.”
“Keep writing, okay?”
“It’s the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.”
And it was.
<>Austin<>
“You know what I did today, baby? I went to the dock with my notebook, and I drew you. I sat there for hours with my feet in the water, drawing. Do you remember the dock? How many times we made love there? It was one of your favorite places to go together. Except this time you weren’t there. I was so fucking alone. I’m always alone. I keep seeing you everywhere, Briggs… You’re standing in front of me right now. Your purple hair is spread perfectly all around your face. I keep catching your smile and placing it on my heart. I haven’t done that to you in years. Do you remember that, baby? I have the perfect view of the sun right now. It’s overlooking the harbor from the warehouse I’m at. I hate this fucking place, but it’s making you glow… you look beautiful, baby. Always so fucking beautiful. I only wish I could still see our babies. I never see them anymore. All I see is you… They left with you, Daisy. They left with their mama.”
I shook away the thoughts.
“Baby… Briggs… Daisy, pick up the phone. I miss you so fucking much. Come home… I’m your home. I need you… where’s my girl? Where’s my Daisy?”
Beep, beep, beep. The line went dead.
“Motherfucker.”
I immediately debated on calling her back, leaving her another message, but I couldn’t remember how many I had already left that day. I was beyond fucked up. My eyes were fluttering to stay open. The drug-induced haze trying to take me down the rabbit hole, but Briggs wasn’t down there. I didn’t want to go where she didn’t exist. She was smiling in front of me. I saw her all the time now, always through the haze of my darkness. She was my only angel among the demons that were around me all the time.
My only light.
My only hope.
She left me over a year ago. I hadn’t seen her, spoken to her, found her... It wasn’t from the lack of trying. I looked for her everywhere, even went as far as going to her uncle’s penthouse. No one answered, though. It was like Miami all over again. I searched to no avail. She was a figment of my imagination. A ghost. All I had were the memories of her, and with each passing day, I went further down the black abyss because it was the only time I saw her. I craved that time with her.
I got to hold her.
I got to touch her.
Love her.
I drowned myself in work, and when I wasn’t working, I was high. Six months after she disappeared, I sold our house. I couldn’t be there anymore. It was too painful to walk past the room that held so many memories. Good and fucking bad. I was renting a small apartment closer to my shop that consisted of a couch and a bed. Everything else went to storage, with the hope that Briggs would come back t
o me. I barely saw the boys or Alex. It was easier that way, to just be alone. No one knew what I was going through. No one knew about my demons. They all had their perfect fucking lives, with babies and white picket fences and shit.
The haze won out and I shut my eyes, my head falling back against the dirty, mold-infested couch. My spot. Briggs was there though. She was laughing, and dancing around in front of me. Damn I missed that sound. I reached out to touch her and she leaned into my embrace.
“I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry,” I said, struggling to get the words out.
“I love you, Briggs. I’ll always fucking love you. No matter what. Dead or alive. You’re mine.”
I stayed in that shithole for the rest of the evening.
Lost.
Chapter 38
<>Austin<>
“Get up!” someone yelled from above me.
“Mmm…” I stirred, grabbing my head. “The fuck,” I slurred.
I hadn’t even opened my eyes yet and my head was already fucking pounding.
“Carajo! Get the fuck up!” He kicked my bed, making it shake.
“Jesus Christ,” I groaned out, sitting up, and placing my feet on the floor.
Hunched over, I held my throbbing head in between my hands.
“It’s three o’clock in the fucking afternoon,” he roared, too close to my face.
I peered up, narrowing my eyes at him. It was so damn bright, I could barely make out his figure.
“How the fuck did you get inside my apartment? And what the fuck are you doing here, Martinez?”
I hadn’t seen Briggs’ uncle since before she left me. I couldn’t even tell you when that was, everything fucking blended together. Years, months, days.
Especially the goddamn days.
“Two and a half years.”
I cocked my head to the side.
“That’s how long I’ve been fucking waiting for you to get your shit together!” he yelled, making me wince.