“I don’t think I can,” I whispered back, a heavy weight settling in my belly.
“I believe in a right to choose, always have, always will. I will never judge you and I will always love you,” she said firmly. “But I want you to think this through, Trix. I want you to take a few days. Tell Cam. Discuss things with him. Because this is a decision that will never leave you, and you need to be absolutely sure it’s what you want. After it’s done, it’s done.”
“Do you think I’m horrible?” I asked as my eyes welled up.
“No,” she said sympathetically, “I don’t.”
She came around the table and pulled me into her arms, letting me cry quietly into her chest.
I wasn’t thinking about making a decision or the fact that I had to tell Cam. My mind was blank as tears rolled down my face.
* * *
Hours later, I was curled up in the dark on the living room couch when Cam came through the front door.
“Bea?” he called out, flipping on the light switch. “Shit—what the hell are you doin’ sittin’ in the dark?”
“Too lazy to get up, I guess,” I lied, pushing myself up until I was sitting. “You’re home kinda late.”
“Yeah, got bullshitting with Casper and lost track of time,” he said, taking off his boots and cut. “Sorry, baby. How was your test?”
“It was fine.”
“Just fine?” he asked with a smile. “Earlier you said you kicked ass.”
I shrugged my shoulders and his smile dropped. “What’s goin’ on?”
“Come sit with me,” I replied softly, meeting his eyes for the first time.
“Rather stand,” he replied warily. He moved to stand in front of the couch, and I had to tilt my head way back in order to see his face. I wanted to stand up so I wasn’t at such a disadvantage, but I was afraid if I did, he would pull me into his arms and I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from sobbing.
“I’m pregnant,” I announced steadily, trying not to flinch as he inhaled sharply, his eyes widening.
Chapter 11
Cameron
I locked my knees to keep me upright and searched Trix’s face, looking for any sign that showed me she wasn’t serious.
She couldn’t be serious.
I wrapped it up. Always. I was meticulous about that shit.
I knew that keeping her safe was all on me. She’d put that into my hands, had been clear from the very beginning. She didn’t want kids yet, and it was my job to keep that from happening.
I swayed a little on my feet.
Then I couldn’t help it—I felt a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
“You’re pregnant?” I asked stupidly, my heart starting to pound.
“Yeah.” The word was more of a sigh than an actual sound.
“Tha—that’s—”
“I don’t think I’m going to have it,” she whispered.
It took a second for me to understand her words, and when I did, nausea hit me fast and hard.
“What do you mean, you’re not going to have it?”
“I’m not that pregnant. We’ve only been together a little over a month, I can’t be—”
“Not that pregnant?” I asked sharply. “You’ve either got my kid in there or you don’t.”
“It’s just cells. It’s just—”
“What?” my voice was louder than I’d planned, and it broke in the middle like a fourteen-year-old kid’s.
“I’m not ready!” she yelled back, coming to her feet. “This is a fucking mistake!” She tucked her thumbs into her hands and dropped her head. “It’s just a mistake.”
A headache formed at the base of my skull, probably from the tightness in my shoulders as I stared at her.
“It’s fuckin’ magic.”
“What?” she tilted her head up to look at me, and her face was so fucking wrecked.
“This is magic, baby.” I said softly, stepping forward to lay my hand on her belly. “We were so careful. I was so careful—and he’s still in there growin,’ anyway. That’s fuckin’ magic.”
Her head started shaking before she stepped backward, away from my hand. “No. It’s—it’s just biology. We weren’t careful enough. We weren’t—”
“What’re you sayin’?”
“I want—I want—” her breath grew ragged as she tried to speak. “I don’t want it.”
I fell back a step, staring at her in confusion. I knew she was scared. Hell, fear was in every line of her body. But she wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t get rid of our baby because she was scared.
I knew Trix. I’d known her since we were kids. She wouldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do that to me.
“You want an abortion?” I asked quietly. The word was so fucking heinous, my mouth felt dirty.
Trix made a noise in the back of her throat, one that sounded like a stifled sob. Then she nodded.
Everything inside me went cold. Everything. Every place inside of me that went soft for Trix, that warmed for her, completely vanished until there was nothing left.
“Your mother lost a son—your twin—because he was born too early, yet you’re gonna take our baby out so it dies? You fuckin’ heartless bitch.”
I barely felt the fists that slammed into my chest.
“Fuck you!” she screamed, her entire body vibrating with anger.
“No,” I hissed, taking a step back. “Wouldn’t touch your ass with a ten-foot pole.”
Her eyes went wide and filled with tears, but I had no sympathy for her. None.
I moved toward the door and slid my feet into my boots, not bothering to lace them before I grabbed my cut and stepped outside, slamming the door behind me. After I’d locked up, I went to the stairwell and sat down, dropping my head into my hands.
Holy fuck.
I couldn’t believe that shit had just happened. What the fuck was wrong with her? What the fuck could make her even think about having an abortion? That fucking cunt.
My hands shook as I called Will.
“What’s up?” he answered on the second ring.
“Hey, man.” I pinched the bridge of my nose between my fingers. “Can you come hang with Trix tonight? I got some shit to do—don’t want to leave her alone all night.”
“Everything alright?” I almost lost it at the sound of those words. That was my little cousin. The one who stepped in when you needed it. The guy you called when you were having a shitty fucking day or the best day of your life, because he wanted to hear about it either way.
“Yeah.” I cleared my throat and tried again. “Yeah. Just got some shit to do.”
“No problem. Be there in twenty.”
He hung up and I stuffed the phone back into my jeans.
I didn’t know why I lied. I could have told him what was going on, but I hadn’t. Maybe somewhere, deep down, I didn’t want him to know that about Trix. I didn’t want him to know that about our relationship—that I’d been so fucking all-in that it was pathetic and she’d. . . Well, she didn’t want my kid. I guess that said it all.
I climbed to my feet and ran a hand down my face as I walked slowly to my bike.
I let the road do its thing, clearing my head and bringing everything into focus.
I’d always wanted a family. Kids. And from the beginning, I’d known that those kids would come from Trix.
When I was young, my mother, younger brother and three little sisters died in a house fire. One night, I was staying at a friend’s house and the next morning I’d walked home to find a burned out shell of metal and ashes where my home had been. I hadn’t understood it at first. I’d been confused, so I’d walked to Casper’s apartment because his place had been the closest.
It hadn’t been until later that everything sunk in.
My dad was alive. He hadn’t been home during the fire. And after my mom was gone? Dude was a whole different person. Sneaky and furtive and fucking mean.
I’d eventually learn that he’d gone completely around the
bend. Lost in his own little world where everyone owed him something and if they didn’t give it, he just fucking took it.
He was the first man I ever killed. I’d shot him with Farrah’s gun through the headrest of the passenger seat in her car.
He’d kidnapped her and little Cecilia. I hadn’t had a choice.
There was no choice.
Didn’t mean that I ever felt okay with it, though.
I pulled over to the side of the road and grabbed a pair of gloves, stretching out my hands before sliding them on. It was cold as fuck outside, and as I glanced around, I realized where I’d ended up.
The woods were familiar. I’d been up there a few times in the past couple of years, especially when I had shit on my mind—usually Trix. If I drove a few more miles up the road, I’d hit gravel. Couple miles past that and I’d find the property that I’d inherited from Tommy, my first dad.
The same clearing where I’d killed him.
And yeah, it was fuckin’ weird that Grease and Callie named their son Tommy, too—probably weirder for everyone else, since I’d always called the guy Dad. But they’d named their son after someone else—I didn’t remember who.
You didn’t name your kid after a traitor. They don’t deserve the honor.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and checked for missed calls. Nothing. Trix hadn’t even tried to contact me after I’d left the house hours ago.
I sniffed, pulling a handkerchief out of my saddlebags to wipe my runny nose. Fuck, it was cold. Swear to Christ, even my eyeballs felt frozen.
I fired up my bike and made a U-turn, taking my time driving back down the mountain. I was in no hurry to get home, but I needed to warm the fuck up before my balls became permanently imbedded in my stomach, where they’d crawled a couple hours before.
I didn’t want to see Trix. I didn’t want to look at her. I’d tried not to think about the situation as I’d ridden around, tried to just let my mind wander instead—but it was no use. Only thing I could think about was my kid in her belly.
It was my job to protect him. It was my job to protect them both—but this was a fight I couldn’t even step into the ring for. I was damned if I did, and fucking killed if I didn’t.
I got back to the apartment as the sun started coming up, and my body was so fucking tired I had a hard time climbing the stairs.
“Hey,” Will mumbled from the couch as I let myself in. “All good?”
“Yeah, thanks, brother.” I pulled my gloves off as I moved into the house, and my hands started to burn as they heated up. “You want coffee?”
“Nah, I gotta get outta here. Couch fuckin’ sucks—gonna go catch some sleep in a bed.”
“Why didn’t you sleep in the spare room?” I asked, turning my head to look at him as I filled the coffee carafe with water.
“Wasn’t offered,” he answered with a shrug. “I’m out. See ya later at the shop.”
“Thanks again.”
“Anytime.”
I walked over and locked the door behind him, checking it twice before I finished making the coffee. After the first cup, I knew it was no use. My eyes were heavy and my movements sluggish as I headed toward the spare room, barely glancing at the closed door Trix was sleeping behind.
I crashed on top of the blankets, barely kicking off my boots before I was asleep.
Sometime later, Trix crawled in beside me. I woke up enough to realize she shouldn’t be there, her head on my chest and the rest of her body curled so tight that her knees pressed up against my side. I was livid with her.
I wanted to fucking shake her. I wanted to lock her in a room so that she couldn’t go anywhere near a doctor. I wanted to push her off the bed.
But I didn’t do any of those things. As her tears soaked the front of my shirt, I wrapped my arm around her, my hand resting on the side of her neck.
I let her stay.
I couldn’t do anything else.
* * *
“Get off me,” I ordered a couple hours later, pushing Trix aside as I climbed wearily from the bed.
I needed more sleep. I could feel it in every muscle. My eyes were scratchy and tired, but as soon as I’d woken up, I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep.
Especially when Trix was curled up next to me, completely passed out.
“Cam?” she asked shakily, lifting her head from the bed.
Her eyes had dark circles under them and her entire face was swollen from crying.
I shut my eyes and shook my head.
“Cam, please,” she whispered, coming up onto her knees.
“What do you want from me?” I asked harshly.
“I want you to support me. To love me.” She stuttered through her words, and I wondered if she knew how completely fucked up her request was.
“Not gonna support you killin’ my kid,” I told her tonelessly.
“Can we at least talk?” she asked, her voice shaking.
“Sure. You agree how fucked up it is that you’d even think about having an abortion and we’ll talk all fuckin’ day.”
“This isn’t what we planned,” she pleaded, reaching toward me.
I stepped back.
“That is our child, Bellatrix!” I roared, pointing at her belly.
How could she even consider this? How could she even—
“I know!” she screamed back, her voice breaking.
She crumbled into herself. Her head hit her knees as her arms pulled them tightly against her body.
I’d never heard the noise she was making before. It was so far beyond crying, it was physically painful to hear. She was wailing.
She was fucking wailing as she wrapped her entire body around where she carried our child.
I stood frozen while I watched her, unable to take that single step forward that would bring me to the bed.
Then she started barely rocking, back and forth, back and forth.
Like she was trying to soothe herself.
Like she was rocking our baby.
It broke me.
“Shh,” I whispered through my tight throat. She jerked when I laid my hand on her back, but she didn’t pull away when I climbed up behind her on the bed, scooting forward until my knees were spread on each side of her hips.
I curled myself around her, my elbows braced above her shoulders and my face buried against her neck.
Then I shuddered and began to rock with her.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
We did that for a long time.
Chapter 12
Trix
I didn’t get out of bed all day.
At some point, Cam carried me into our room and tucked me between the blankets.
He left.
I stayed.
I didn’t want to move.
I wished that he would have agreed with me.
That would have made things so much easier.
It would have made me feel justified.
It would have allowed me to ignore the voice in my head telling me I was making a mistake.
My arms felt heavy as I rolled over, pulling the quilt my great-grandmother had made years ago up to my eyes. I didn’t want to see anything.
I didn’t want to feel anything.
I didn’t want to move.
I didn’t want to think.
I didn’t want to be so goddamn terrified.
I knew I wouldn’t have an abortion.
I’d known it before I’d brought it up to Cam.
I’d known it before I’d made him look at me like I was a monster.
I’d known it before I’d ever left my nan’s house.
But I couldn’t accept it.
I felt it in every part of my body. I’d protect my child with every muscle. Every bone. Every fingernail and tooth.
But the terror that overwhelmed me didn’t allow me to focus on the fact that I would be having a baby.
I literally couldn’t even think about having a child without feeling
like I was going to black out.
It was all encompassing.
I didn’t understand it.
I heard the front door open and I burrowed deeper into the blankets. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want anyone to see me.
“Trix?” my brother’s voice called through the apartment. “You home?”
Footsteps thudded down the hallway, and then suddenly he was there, standing in the doorway.
“You okay, sissy?” he asked quietly. “Why you in bed at four in the afternoon?”
“Just tired,” I replied, keeping my face covered. “What are you doing here?”
“Cam asked me to stop by and stay for a while. Something’s happening at the club, I think.”
“Party?”
“Nah. Meeting.”
“Oh.”
“You sure you’re okay?” He came toward the bed and sat at the edge, reaching out to put his hand on my back.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I replied raggedly. It took everything in me not to move away from his touch.
I didn’t want anyone to touch me. I just wanted Cam. Only Cam.
“I’ll make some dinner. What do you want?”
“I’m not really hungry, bubba,” I whispered back, my stomach clenching at the lie. “Actually, maybe some grilled cheese?”
“Damn, that sounds good. You want some tomato soup, too?”
“Sure.” My eyes filled with tears at Leo’s easygoing words. He knew something was wrong, but he wouldn’t push it. That just wasn’t his way.
If I wanted to talk, he’d listen. If I didn’t, he’d leave it alone.
Leo patted my back a couple times, then stood from the bed and left without another word.
I rolled to my back and stared at the ceiling while I listened to my little brother clanging around the kitchen. I’d picked grilled cheese because it was one of the only things he could make well, even though I knew my kitchen would be completely trashed by the time he was finished.
I needed to get out of bed. Just push back the covers and swing my legs over the side. It should have been easy.