It wasn’t.
I did it anyway.
I went to the bathroom and cleaned off my face, but there was nothing I could do about my swollen eyes. Leo would notice them. I rarely cared.
“It’s alive!” Leo called out as I walked into the kitchen.
“Ha.”
“Your dinner,” he sang, setting down a plate of grilled cheese sandwich cut in half with a coffee mug of tomato soup sitting in the middle.
“Fancy,” I teased. “Thank you.”
“No prob.”
I watched him hustle around the kitchen, grabbing his own food, and noticed that sure enough, he’d left a huge ass mess.
“Is that tomato soup on my cupboards?” I asked as I blew on my sandwich.
“Uh, yeah.” He glanced at me sheepishly. “I wasn’t paying attention and it started boiling and popping.”
I snorted.
“It was an accident!”
“You’re cleaning that shit up.”
“I cooked!”
“Yeah, and you also trashed my kitchen.”
“You suck.”
“You’re still cleaning it up.”
We went silent as we ate, and I tried not to let my mind wander. I was eating a meal that I didn’t have to cook and sitting next to one of my favorite people in the world. That’s what I tried to focus on.
It wasn’t until later, when I’d climbed back into bed, that my heart started racing again.
What was I going to do?
I wanted to get my shit together so badly.
I wanted to somehow change my feelings.
I wanted to not be so afraid.
Why the hell was I so scared? I’d never been afraid of anything in my life. I’d always felt safe, even when I knew things were happening that were out of my control. Even when we’d had to go on lockdown at the club because it was too dangerous to be on the outside.
Nothing had prepared me for the debilitating fear that seemed to be growing.
I turned it over and over in my mind, trying desperately to find the root of whatever was going on with me, but I couldn’t figure it out.
I’d always planned on being with Cam—of having kids with him.
I’d just wanted a job first. I’d wanted to contribute. I wanted to get my fucking feet under me before we had kids.
I wasn’t stupid. I knew intellectually that I was being completely irrational—but that didn’t help. I could say everything would be fine a thousand times, I could make it my fucking mantra, but that didn’t change the fact that I was terrified.
A few hours after I’d gotten back into bed, I heard the front door open again and Cam’s voice mixing with Leo’s in the living room.
My entire body deflated into the bed. I hadn’t been sure that he would come home at all.
I couldn’t blame him for that.
I wanted to tell him everything that was running through my head, but I didn’t understand it myself. I knew what he would do—he’d wrap his arms around me and tell me everything would be okay. He’d expect me to trust him.
But I couldn’t. Not with this.
I couldn’t trust anyone, even myself.
I heard Leo leave and waited anxiously for Cam to come to me. Would he sleep in the spare room again?
I’d tried to let him be when he’d gotten home early that morning, but after an hour of lying there listening to his snores through the walls, I hadn’t been able to stop myself from crawling into bed with him. Even though he was angry, I needed to be near him.
I loved him more than anything. I loved him more than myself.
“You awake?” he asked gruffly as he finally came into the room, pulling off his hoodie as he moved.
“Yeah. Everything okay at the club?” My voice was hoarse.
“Found out some new shit—nothin’ for you to worry about. You get outta bed today?”
“I had dinner with Leo.”
“You get outta bed?”
“Yeah, we ate in the kitchen.”
“That’s good, at least,” he mumbled.
He stripped down to his boxers then glanced over at my eyes peeking over the blankets.
“Let’s go,” he ordered.
“What?”
“Need a shower. Not climbin’ into bed with ya like that. You need one, too.”
“Thanks.”
He ignored me. “Need to strip the bed, too. You got extras?”
“Cam?” I asked softly.
“Come on, let’s go.”
I watched him carefully as I crawled out of bed, and followed behind as he grabbed my hand and towed me into the bathroom.
It was the oddest shower ever. Somehow he helped me clean up while keeping his distance. He never touched me softly or spoke low into my ear, he just made sure I was washing and then left me to it, even though we had barely any space to move around each other.
By the time we climbed back out, I was shivering, and it wasn’t from the cold.
“I’m sorry,” I said softly, reaching out to touch his back as he brushed his teeth. “I won’t do it.”
“I know,” he said stonily around his toothbrush, meeting my eyes in the mirror. “You wouldn’t do that to me.”
“No,” I said, relieved. “I wouldn’t.”
When I tried to step in against him, he moved sideways to the door.
I watched Cam walk into the bedroom, but I didn’t follow him.
He’d moved away from me. God, that hurt.
Everything hurt. Why did everything hurt?
I brushed my teeth and went into the bedroom slowly, relieved that he’d found some sheets and had thrown them on the bed, along with an extra blanket I’d had in the closet. He was already lying down on his side, his back to me.
With my hair back in a braid and a long t-shirt on, I crawled between the sheets, shivering. It might be summer, but we were in Oregon. The nights were still pretty chilly. I moved in against his back, and his entire body tensed.
“No, Trix,” he said quietly, the words like a knife to my chest.
“What?” I breathed, snatching my hands away from his back.
He didn’t turn to me, but his next words were very clear.
“You asked for my permission for an abortion. You’re not doin’ it. I’m happy as fuck about that. Don’t mean I forgot you askin.’ You don’t want our kid—you obviously don’t want me.”
“Baby—”
“Got that barbeque tomorrow,” he reminded me. “I gotta get up early and help my ma. Need to get some sleep.”
I scooted away from him quickly and lay there staring at his back, the dim light in the room from the streetlights outside casting shadows on his Aces tattoo.
He didn’t want me.
I was lying next to him, the weight on my chest so heavy I felt like I could die from it, and he didn’t care.
My fear became so massive in that moment that I couldn’t even move.
I didn’t sleep the entire night, and because he wouldn’t allow me to touch him, I watched and listened to him breathe until the sun rose the next morning. I think that was the only thing that kept me from completely losing my mind.
* * *
“Leavin’,” Cam said as I sat at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. “You shouldn’t be drinkin’ that.”
I looked down at my cup and back up to the censure in his eyes, then nodded.
Okay. No coffee. I slid the cup away from me.
“Can you drive yourself or—”
“Yeah, it’s fine.”
“I can have Leo or Will come get you.”
I noticed he didn’t volunteer, but I didn’t let my expression change.
“Nope, it’s fine. I can drive. I need to stop by the store and get some stuff for a pasta salad, anyway. Maybe some wine.”
“You can’t have wine,” he snapped.
“It’s not for me.” I took a deep breath and stood up, picking up my coffee mug and dumping it in the sink.
“I
’ll see you in a few hours.”
He walked away without kissing me goodbye and I firmed my jaw against the urge to cry. I looked like shit after my sleepless night—I couldn’t add more crying to my completely pale and drawn face. I already knew I was going to have to pull out my rarely used makeup and attempt to fix the circles around my eyes.
If I knew I could skip out of the barbeque, I would do it in a heartbeat—but it was Gram’s birthday. I couldn’t miss it, not without catching major shit for it. It’s not like I would have missed it, anyway—Gram was getting up in years, and we had no idea how much longer we had with her. My problems could wait until tomorrow.
As long as no one knew, as long as I didn’t have to field questions and endure congratulatory hugs—I could get through the day.
I moved slowly toward the shower and started getting ready. It was going to take me a while to make myself presentable.
* * *
“There’s my pretty girl.”
“Hey, Gramps,” I smiled as my mom’s dad pulled me into a hug, turning my head to the side so I wouldn’t get a face full of his beard. “Where’s Nan?”
“Went up north to visit Nix,” Gramps said, grinning as he smoothed his hand down my hair. He’d always grinned at me like that, like I was a miracle that surprised him each time he saw me. “Didn’t she tell you the other day when you were at the house?”
“Oh, maybe,” I answered uncomfortably. “I probably wasn’t paying attention.”
Gramps chuckled and pulled the bottles of white wine out of my hands. “Fancyin’ up the joint, eh?”
“It’s from the grocery store,” I said dryly, reaching into my car to pull out the pasta salad I’d brought.
Gramps chuckled and ushered me into Casper and Farrah’s house. Mick and Tommy jumped up off the couch as we crossed through the living room and Gramps shoved the wine bottles into Tommy’s hands.
“Not for you,” Gramps warned.
“Damn.”
“I can take that for you,” Mick said quietly, reaching out to take the bowl of salad from my hands.
“Thanks, Mick.” The poor kid blushed and hurried away.
“Poor kid.” Gramps chuckled.
I ignored him, but shook my head, moving toward the back door where I could hear people talking and laughing.
When we got outside, the entire family was there. We were all part of the club, both as members and families of members, but this small group was even tighter than that. With so much intermarrying going on, it was kind of hard not to naturally navigate toward certain people.
I made my way around, giving hugs and saying hello.
“You look pretty,” my mom said happily as she searched my face. “Leo said you weren’t feeling good yesterday?”
“Just tired with finals and everything,” I answered, giving her a small smile.
“Don’t have to worry about that shit anymore,” my pop said gruffly, pulling me into his side. “My Little Warrior is a college graduate.” His voice rose on the last sentence and the backyard was filled with claps and cheers.
“Not quite,” I said lightly, tightening my arm around my pop’s waist. “I haven’t got my grades back yet.”
“You did good,” he replied with a nod, as if there was no question.
“You feeling okay?” Callie asked as she walked toward us.
“Leo has a big freaking mouth,” I grumbled, making my pop give me a warning nudge. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just tired after staying up studying for finals.”
I glanced behind Callie and noticed Grease checking out her ass. Gross.
“You’re all done now, though, right?”
“Yep. All done.”
“That’s awesome, kiddo. I’m getting a beer, anyone else want one?”
I shook my head as both my parents said yes, making all three turn to look at me. “Could you grab me a water?” I asked quickly. “It’s hot as balls out here.”
Callie and my mom laughed as my pop made a sound of protest.
“What?” I looked up at him. “Balls isn’t a bad word. Balls. Balllllls.”
“I’ll get my own beer,” Pop grumbled, walking away.
“Give your pop a break, huh?” Mom said, reaching over to pull at my hair as she followed my dad to the coolers on the back porch.
“You think they’ll get me a water?” I asked Callie.
“They sure as hell won’t remember to grab my beer,” she said jokingly as she followed them.
I stood by myself for a second, taking deep breaths as I watched the people in the yard. When my eyes met Vera’s, I started toward her.
She was sitting at a picnic table with Gram and Slider, but the moment I reached her, she stood up to give me a hug.
“I’m not going to do it,” I whispered shakily in her ear.
“I didn’t think you would, baby girl.”
“I did.”
“I know.”
She pulled away and gently cupped my cheeks, giving me a light kiss on the nose.
“I get one of those?” Slider asked, standing up beside us.
“Hey, Uncle,” I said with a laugh, leaning over to hug him, too.
When he let me go, I turned to Gram. “Having a good birthday?” I asked, moving around so I could sit next to her. As I took my seat, my eyes accidentally caught Cam’s across the yard, but I quickly looked away.
If I wanted to make it through the day, I couldn’t think about how things were between us.
“Pretty good, now that you’re here,” she said, reaching over to pat my hand.
“I bet you say that to all the grandkids,” I teased, leaning forward to brace my elbows on the table and my chin in my hands.
“Congratulations,” she said softly, her lips tilting up just barely at the sides.
I jerked backward and glanced over at Cam again. He wasn’t looking at me.
“What?” my voice came out slightly panicked.
“On your graduation,” she clarified.
“Oh, right. Thanks!” My enthusiasm was so forced that she raised one eyebrow.
“Meat’s done,” Casper called out from the commercial sized barbeque he was grilling on.
“I better go help bring out the food,” I said awkwardly, hopping up out of my seat.
All the kids came running as we piled food on the picnic table, and before long, we were spread out across the yard, eating and joking. I took a seat near my parents in the grass, grabbing the bottle of water my pop had been carrying around for me.
“You happy to be done?” he asked quietly, glancing at my mom to make sure she had everything she needed. He handed her his napkin when she started searching for one, her hands covered in barbeque sauce.
I smiled at their interaction. He always did stuff like that. She did, too. Oh, you forgot to grab some corn on the cob? You can have mine. I didn’t really want it, anyway. You forgot your napkin? Don’t get up, I have one.
“Yeah, I’m kind of worried I haven’t found a job, though,” I replied, stiffening as Cam came and dropped down beside me.
“Thought you got offered one in Portland?”
“She’s not taking it,” Cam butt in, making my hands clench on the flimsy paper plate I was holding.
“That right?” Pop asked me.
“I didn’t really want to move so far north,” I answered, not meeting his eyes.
Pop made a sound in his throat, but I wasn’t sure if it was acceptance or irritation.
“I’ll find something down here,” I said with false cheer. “I just need to get my resume out.”
“You ask Slider?”
“For what? The club?”
“Knows a lot of people in Eugene,” he reminded me.
I nodded. Asking Slider was a good idea. He knew everyone, though I wasn’t sure how. I also wasn’t sure if I wanted to work with someone who had ties to the club—that was asking for a fucking audit every year.
We went quiet as we ate, and a little while later, we all sur
rounded the table where Gram was sitting to sing happy birthday.
It was a good day. I loved spending time with my family, I always had. I played horseshoes with Will, who was acting like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders since the last time I’d seen him, helped the little girls do their hair up princess style, helped Farrah clean up the mess in the backyard and brought beer after beer to Slider and my gramps.
It was so normal after the past few days, such a relief.
Cam kept his distance for the most part, barely talking to me. I knew my parents were watching us closely, wondering what the hell was going on, but they never said anything.
It wasn’t until a couple hours later, when everyone was winding down and I was getting ready to leave, that Cam cornered me.
“Let’s make an announcement,” he said gruffly, coming up behind me as I picked up some empty soda cans off the edge of the porch.
“No,” I replied sharply. I couldn’t handle that today. I was barely hanging on, and I didn’t know how I could even function if I had to discuss the baby with anyone. My hands had begun to shake when I spoke to Vera, so there was no way I’d be able to speak to my parents about it.
“Not askin’ you, Trix,” Cam snapped back.
“Fuck off,” I said tonelessly, stepping away from him before stomping up the porch stairs.
“Trix, you don’t stop walking away from me, I’m gonna paddle your ass!”
I spun to look at him in disbelief, and for just a second, his eyes looked pained. Then his entire face hardened.
“Fuck off, Cam!” I yelled back, carrying the empties into the house.
I heard him come in behind me, but I didn’t turn around as I rinsed the cans and dumped them into the recycling container.
“What, you still lookin’ for a way out?” he asked meanly, coming to a stop just feet from me. “Thinkin’ if you don’t tell anyone, you could still get that abortion you wanted?”
“I told you I wasn’t going to do it,” I hissed, turning to face him. “Can’t you just let me wrap my fucking head around it before we have to tell people?”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to say anything yet.”
“Yeah, you made that really fuckin’ clear.”
“Is this how it’s going to be? You take shots at me, and what, I just have to sit back and take it? You’ve never once looked at this from my point of view!”