to his funeral. It was bad enough that I released Macy and Aaron from custody.
I was sitting at the table, drinking my hot chocolate. Mom put a dish of toast down, and dad finished cooking my egg, setting it in front of me. My sister was already halfway through her egg, reaching for a piece of buttered toast.
I decided this was the right time to bring up my decision. I talked it over with Janaki; I could tell she was unsure about it, but she would never come between any of my plans unless it was dangerous thinking.
This wasn’t considered dangerous at all, just stupid. I mean really stupid to mention to my parents. There were already suspicious.
“On Friday, I’m going to go to a funeral.” I said, very uneasily. It was no help that I said it a bit vague, of course it’s obvious whose funeral it would be. I noticed my parent’s gawking at me. They were speechless—unbelieving what I just said to them. I picked up my fork and cut a piece of egg.
“Honey,” dad started. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”
“You father’s right,” mom said hastily, taking out a carton of orange juice. “You shouldn’t go there.”
I dropped my fork. Glaring at them, “I’m not asking for your permission. I’m telling you that I’m going.”
Mom slammed the glass down she was pouring. “But we said no. And you’re acting ridiculous, Dottie.” She shook her head. “Do you even have the slightest clue to what you’re saying? It’s insane, that boy took you—held you captive.”
“But it’s not like he killed me!” I defended, “He even fed me—I mean….” I didn’t know what I meant exactly. I was trying to convince my parents like he was good.
“And you going to visit his grave,” mom said, disappointed.
My face fell immensely. I didn’t think I was doing much of a bad thing. Sure, it didn’t make much sense in my position, but it was still supposed to be a good thing to pay respects to the dead. We all make mistakes. I thought people were to appreciate that I’d move on with my anger towards him—not think I should be angrier.
Especially not my family.
“He deserves to be forgiven,” I gritted my teeth, “And I forgive him.”
As you can see, that didn’t go very well. Dr. Daniels narrowed her eyes on me. She expected a response—cooperation. And maybe that was the thing to get everyone off my back. “I met him during high school.” I recalled the memory so hazy. “That was the beginning of my freshmen year.”
“Did you talk to him then?” she said.
“No—not really.” I said. “I knew who he was though. Janaki talked to him sometimes.”
“Who’s Janaki?”
“My friend,” I said. “She’s my best friend actually. She was friends with him in elementary school. They drifted, but still talked until, you know.”
“Until he was said to have killed his friends.”
“That was all a bunch of lies.” I muttered.
“Speak clearly please,” was all she said back. “Whether it was a lie or not, he drew himself away from people.”
I nodded.
“So why the sudden interest in you?”
I looked down to my feet. Even if he told me everything, I still couldn’t understand him. “I don’t know!” I said, irritated. “He wouldn’t tell me.”
And Dr. Daniels could see right through me. “That is a lie in itself. You know why.”
“Not…exactly.” I folded my hands over and over again. “I mean, he told me. But I just don’t get it.”
“What did he tell you, Dottie?” Her tone was strict and cautious.
“That I was better—I was normal.” I said in truth. “And he explained it was because I was smart. Different—in a better sense.” I tried to make it clear, but I could see by her face that it wasn’t coming together for her. “See, I told you I don’t get it.”
“If you don’t get it,” she said, “Then I’ll explain the obvious—the boy liked you.”
“Yeah,” I agreed, rubbing my arm. “I guess that was pretty obvious.”
She wrote something down on her clipboard, while asking, “And you liked him too?”
“No….” I said too quickly. She looked expected at me, “I mean, not exactly at first.”
“You didn’t like him when he kidnapped you.” She said, pointing her pen at me. “But you’re here because your parents are worried about your affection towards him.”
“I told them I forgave him.” I said.
She took a slight pause before saying, “No, no. It’s more than that—much more.”
“What? You think I’m lying to you?” This doctor really had it out for me. “Because—”
“You are holding something back.” She noted. “You can’t expect me to think throughout that whole month nothing happened.”
She gave me a cold stare. I watched movies about these therapists—I thought they were supposed to be nice and quirky. To help you with your problems, but not push you. I didn’t think Dr. Daniels took this to heart. “You’re not like all the other therapists.” I said.
“I’m glad you noticed, Dottie.” She said slyly. “I take my job very seriously. I’m not going to let you sit here for a whopping 45 minutes doing and saying nothing. Your parents expect results; I’ll give it to them.”
“You’re going to tell them everything?” I winced.
“I’m not allowed to say anything to them. I’m only allowed to help you and them, no information exchange necessary.”
“Fine.” I whispered. “I’ll tell you.”
And so I did. I told her everything. From the beginning when we were casted as partners. Then when I witnessed him being bullied. To the part where I invited him to Kristen’s party because I felt absolutely bad that the leader of the bullying was Kade (further explaining that Kade was my boyfriend). At the party when I got drunk. Then when I woke up in Eric’s closet. I told her about his mom, and friends, and his cousin. Maybe I even threw in Frankie, just because.
When I finally got to the part where we kissed, I stopped. She spoke up quickly, “Are you done, because I don’t think you are.”
“Then you already know what’s next,” I taunted, stretching my arms after the long speech.
“Did you and him….” she hesitated. “Ever get in physical contact with each other? And I don’t mean touching, more like sexually involved.”
Had sex? Memories came flooding into my head. I only remember Shannon stopping us before we got too far. I shifted my feet and rushed my fingers through my hair. Obvious signs of insecurity, I knew.
“No we didn’t. We just kissed.” I had her attention again. She looked up at me from her board.
“So you two did have something.”
“You did mention that he liked me. And, given the situation, I liked him too. Shannon explained to me—”
“And this Shannon character,” Dr. Daniels interrupted, “what’s her story?”
“She’s one of Eric’s best friends,” I said. “She and Eric had a history. They tricked me, saying that they were going out, but then she told me when we were alone that Eric just wanted me to get jealous.”
“Because he liked you,” was again her stealthy conclusion. She leaned towards me, and I leaned towards her as well.
“Because he liked me.” I repeated.
“So she made you say everything?” Janaki threw a brown rock in the lake. It reached to a duck the duck swam fervently away as soon as it heard the plop. I grabbed a gray rock and tossed it in the lake as well, not reaching her distance.
“She played me, using her psychology,” I said, furrowing my eyebrows. “I just rolled with it.”
We were at the horse stables, checking on Lacey. It was practically deserted—Jeremy was on a date with Autumn, Janaki so kindly informed me. Pretty decent matchmaker if I do say so myself.
Tomorrow was the funeral. I have no idea if my parents approve now. Dr. Daniels told me she’d talk it over with them after the session. They never mentioned it, b
ut I was going either way. I kept wondering what she said to me.
“Jana,” I hesitated. “Do you think I have Stockholm syndrome?”
She took a small pause before saying, “No.”
“No?” I said.
She shook her head. “You know when I used to tease you about crushing on him?” I nodded. “Well, Dottie,” She put her right hand on her chest, “I can read you easily. You were liking him before the whole mess. You were curious. And it may be the wrong time to say it,” she added with a dark sense of humor, “but curiosity did kill the cat.”
“I didn’t think I threw myself at him.”
“No,” she dropped her hand, “Of course not! You were faithful to Kade, as a good girlfriend should be. But you liked him and wanted to get to know him better. You were attracted to him.” She shrugged. “If you managed to hang out with him in a normal setting, you might have fallen for him. He distanced himself though, you fell for him all the same.” She looked at me. “I mean, aren’t I right?”
I sighed, aggravated by everyone perfectly understanding all my motives. Who was the real criminal here? “Yeah.”
“You’re putting me in a weird place,” she said. “You’re making me feel bad for him.”
“You should,” I said. “Everyone makes mistakes after all.” She frowned. Of course she wouldn’t understand. Maybe I should have thought about that twice before I asked her to go to the funeral with me, for moral support. Probably not something I should have suggested, but I haven’t been able to think straight lately.
She didn’t answer me, it was better than a flat out no.
“Dottie?” I knew that voice. It was Kade.