I swiveled my view back to watch him walk towards us. He had his hands in his jacket; blonde hair slightly over his eyes and the little hairs on his chin was an instigator that he hasn’t been on top of his physical hygiene. Janaki stood up from the grass, wiping the dirt off of her pants.
“I’m going to go check on Lacey.” She smiled, exchanging a glance from me to Kade. “Meet you in a little bit.”
This was going to be awkward. I definitely wasn’t ready to talk to him yet, but I couldn’t avoid him any longer. He cleared his throat and sat down in Janaki’s spot. I gulped.
“Hi Kade,” I said, keeping my gaze on the lake.
From the corner of my eye, I could see him nod curtly, “Hi Dottie.” We sat in silence for a couple of seconds before he added, “How are you doing?”
“Fine,” I answered. “How about you?”
“I’m doing well.” He’s doing well? That’s all I get? And that’s all we’re giving to each other now? Business-like greetings. “Listen—”
“It’s okay if you want to break up with me,” I said fast. “I totally understand.” Actually, I was hoping he would break up with me. Ever since I kissed him, I’ve been willing to drop Kade in a heartbeat. Awful, disgusting, and selfish—I knew. That’s why I was hoping he’d dump me first.
“I don’t want to break up with you,” he said. I glanced at him, trying to see in his eyes if he actually meant that. It was true, the sincerity covering his face. I felt terrible.
I looked back at the lake. “You’d be doing yourself a favor if you did.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“I do. I’m a shitty girlfriend. Kristen’s better suited for you.”
“No she isn’t.” Kade shrugged a lame arm around my shoulders. I let him stay there.
I shook my head. I couldn’t let him do this to himself. “How can you say that? You were with her before you were with me. She held your interest once before. Who says she can’t do that again?”
“Because I know her. She’s a great friend, but just isn’t my type.”
“She’s everyone’s type,” I said. He squeezed my arm, and I leaned my head against his shoulder.
I realized how stupid I was being. Kade was an amazing boyfriend and friend. He was there when I needed him to be, but sometimes he didn’t get it. Sometimes he made mistakes. But we’re human, aren’t we?
I also took note of how Kade felt about Kristen—it was how I felt about Kade. I came to a conclusion that Kade wasn’t really my type—a guy I’d want to spend with my whole entire life with. He was just my boyfriend—someone I spent my last year in high school with, worrying about how good I looked in his eyes. A preparation for some sort of future. Kade knew, that’s why he was saying this to me.
We had this time together now, without confusing thoughts meddling in our heads. In that moment, we were in absolute bliss.
20. FUNERAL
I always wondered why you had to wear black at a funeral. I know it’s the color of sadness, remorse, and…well more sadness. But I didn’t believe in that. Sadness could be any color, depending on one’s perspective of it. Black to me wasn’t sadness, it was a void straight into nothingness.
I decided to wear a black t-shirt and black sweatpants (super inappropriate but I had nothing else in black). I touched my window to check the temperature. I needed a jacket. I looked through my closet for something in black when my phone rang, suddenly jolting me upward.
I saw the name and breathed with relief. “Hello.”
“Are you ready? Or do you need more time?” Aaron said.
“I need a jacket.” I said, opening my dresser draw. None of my jackets were here. It was strange. “I might need another minute too.” I walked down stairs to the laundry room, going through my hamper, figuring maybe I had one there. “You got a jacket?”
“No.”
I looked through one of the bins, finding a black jacket—his jacket. I dropped the phone in the bin, grabbing the jacket with both of my hands.
It was THE jacket! I hugged it, taking in the smell of finished laundry. But nothing—nothing could extinct the scent of him.
“Dottie, honey?”
It was dad. And I thought I could get away with a lie to tell dad, but mom right by his side. She stood, holding dad’s waist as if a creature stood there before her—like I was beyond her control now. She had this panic-stricken look on her face. Dad couldn’t tell what was wrong with the picture, but mom understood perfectly.
She was losing me to some dead guy. That was all I could see in her face.
“I needed a jacket.” I said, awkwardly holding it out to show them. Aaron’s voice was coming through my phone and I held up my index finger to them, reaching in the bin to retrieve it. “I’m gonna have to call you back.” I said and clicked the ‘end’ button before Aaron could say any more.
“Dottie,” mom said my name with such pain in her voice. “We just wanted to tell you….” But she didn’t finish. Her voice shrunk—she shrunk, and I felt absolutely terrible. She wouldn’t understand this—she didn’t want to. To watch this—knowing only insane people would do this. Anyone else, really. Anyone besides me.
I put the jacket under my arm and walked past them. They wouldn’t stop me—they wanted to, but they wouldn’t. Maybe that was something Dr. Daniels said. She probably said to leave me be. She said this was something I must do to get closure.
“Thank you, Dr. Daniels,” I muttered under my breath. I pushed my door open and put the jacket on. Still awkwardly long. I smiled, putting the sleeves up to my face.
“Wow. That’s like the first smile I’ve seen in a while.” Emily stood at my doorway, hands crossed, her eyes staring.
I stared back at her, taking a slight pause before saying, “You know you’re pretty sneaky for a seven-year-old.” I turned to my mirror next to the door and brushed my fingers through my hair.
“But I’m pretty smart to know that this must be a dumb thing you’re doing,” she shrugged.
“Listen, Em. Now’s not really the time to talk to me about how dumb I may be.” I finished touching up my hair in the mirror and turned to her.
She squinted up at me, her face looking pained like mom’s. “What happened to you?”
“Nothing happened,” I said harshly. “In fact, what happened to you? Sometimes it’s hard to forgive, but—” my phone buzzed on my bed. I rushed over to it and read Aaron’s message. “I have to go.”
“Don’t do it.” She said. “I mean…just don’t go. Stay with us! It’s Christmas morning, Dor. It’s your job to spend time with us. We thought we lost you! And now you’re leaving again.”
“I’m coming back—”
“That’s not the point.” She shook her head, her eyes getting watery. “We lost you to this guy once, we don’t want to lose you to him again! And by leaving on a day like this….you’re choosing him over us! Dor please?” Her pleading gnawed at my ear, I’d be hearing it all day.
I took a moment to process this. If I leave now my family would lose hope. If I don’t go…I’ll feel like I betrayed someone I love. Neither was a win/win situation, but I knew which one would forgive me, and which one I’ll never hear words from ever again.
I kissed Emily on the cheek as a small tear rolled down it. I grabbed my purse and stuffed my phone inside. As I was walking out of my room, I shouted back, “And you’re pretty smart for a seven-year-old.” These words would not make up for anything. But as long as she knew, I was okay.
I left through the front door, passing my parents again. I closed the door quietly behind me. Aaron was waiting in a rusty red mustang, waving slightly at me as I went closer. He told me the car belonged to his dad, he had it in the meantime. Once I was in, he stifled a yawn and started up his car.
“Thanks for picking me up,” I said.
He kept his eyes on the road. “No problem.” He turned the wheel in a slow motion, as we kept quiet in the ride. I pulled up my sleeves, fidgeting in my seat
. I thought that it was funny that the cold doesn’t bother me much anymore. I mean, I can feel it—but it’s just cold. I didn’t feel uncomfortable about it now.
“How are you?” Aaron finally said when we stopped at a red light.
I shrugged. “How is a girl supposed to be after her boyfriend died?”
“You can’t say his name, can you?” Aaron said, ignoring my answer, only reading into the ‘boyfriend’ part. I bet he thought I was being childish. “Eric, Dottie. Eric Grant.” He pushed the gas pedal down as it changed to green.
“Fine,” I said. “You don’t have to be an asshole.” I sunk in my seat.
“But you obviously don’t want to admit it. Admit the truth. I mean, by saying the name—”
“Oh stop it!” I yelled and put my hands over my ears as a child would if he or she didn’t want to lose a fight concerning words. “I’ve had it up to here—” I put my hand up to the roof of the car “—with everyone being disappointed at me! What am I suppose to do? Be a fake and let them all think that I’m truly happy and okay and resolved with everything? I’m not, Aaron. And now you’re ranting on about how I can’t face the truth when I’ve been facing it head-on since I came back.
“The least you could do is give me this—not say his name for a little while.”
“Say his name then.”
I didn’t understand. “What?”
“Well Dottie,” a small smile tugged at his lips. “You gave your little rant and I fully get it. Really,” his tilted his head, “I do. But we’re headed to