looked at me.
"What has Patterson been doing all this while?" I asked.Smiles died out of the major's face.
"_He_ has kept cool," he said. "Easy - when a man never waswarm."
"And you think, major," said Mrs. Sandford, "you really thinkthat the truth is not so bad as it has been reported. Why, Mr.May was positive the rebels would come and take Washington.You think there has not been such dreadful loss of life afterall?".
"A tenth of the story will be nearer the mark," said themajor. "But we shall know more particulars to-morrow; and Iwill step in again, as I can, and let you know what I know. Imust not stay now." And with a bow to me, the major went.
I did not stop then to inquire what his bow meant. Nor did Ihear Mrs. Sandford's long string of comments and speculations,any further than was necessary to enable me to reply from timeto time with some show of connectedness. I was eagerlycalculating chances, without any basis of data to go upon.Trying to conjecture General Patterson's probable coming duty,and to what it might lead. If his foe had disappeared frombefore him, must he not follow on this way, where (I thought)men were so imperatively needed? If he came, there would befighting for him, certainly, the next time! Beauregard wouldmuster again for the fray; I knew that; and it seemed theUnion army was going to make ready also on its side. IfPatterson and his command staid where he was, to take care ofthat part of the country, perhaps it might be a bloodlesscharge for a while; it might, till the two grand armies shouldencounter once more, and one or the other get the mastery.Then, how long might it be, before these two armies would beready to try another, a third tussle together? and would Mr.Thorold be willing to stay permanently where inaction would behis portion? Twenty such incongruous unreasonable questions Iwas mooting and turning over, while Mrs. Sandford's runningfire of talk made it impossible for me to think to anyconclusion.
When I went up to my room, however, and got free of her, I satdown to it. There had been no fighting for this bout in thatpart of the army where Patterson commanded and where Thoroldserved. So far he had escaped. Now, if Patterson could only bekept in that region, for a little time, and the questionbetween the North and South be brought to an issue meanwhileand decided here -
I was in a fever of hope and fear, cogitating deeply thingswhich I had no means of knowing or settling, when the questionsuddenly occurred to me, What was I doing? What was I doing?Only, trying to arrange the wheels of Providence; trying tomake peace and war; to kill and to keep alive. I was takingand bearing on my shoulders the burden of the nation's armiesand of their destiny. It fell on my heart all at once, what Iwas doing. And my nerves were straining, even now, to throwaround my beloved the shield of circumstances; to keep himwhere he would be safe; to put my hand between his life and ablow. Could Daisy do that? Was her arm long enough, or her eyeenough far-seeing? In despair and in humiliation both, I fellon my knees. _This_ must be given up. I must leave armies andbattles, yes and every several bullet and cannon ball, yes,yes, and more; I must leave Mr. Thorold's life and heart inother hands than mine. I must put the care of them out ofmine; I must give up even the thought of shielding him, orarranging for him. More. Yes, though it pressed upon my heartwith the great difficulty, I must be willing to have God do,with him and with me, just what He pleased. How else could Ilive, with the struggle before me? How else could I live atall as a believing and obedient child of God? "I must," and "Iwill," are not words for a child to say.
My heart, my heart, how it died within me as I saw my duty! asI saw that it behoved me to give up all, and then wait inpatience to see what the Lord would let me have. My heart diedfirst, and then rose again to the struggle. But those onlyknow what a struggle it is, who, have tried. It seems to me,most people, even Christians, do not try. Yet, to "forsakeall," the test of discipleship, what is it but to cease saying"I must" and "I will," about anything, and to hold everythingthenceforth at the will of God. I spent that night on myknees, when I was not walking the floor. I spent it in tearsand in pleading the promises; sometimes almost in despair. ButI reached at last a place of great calm. I gave up insistingupon my own will; and though with every nerve of affectionthrobbing, as it were, I gave up the care of myself and ofThorold; I gave up the disposal of the lives of both. And whenthe calm was once reached, it grew deeper and quieter, and thethrobbing nerves were stilled, and a great burden was takenoff my shoulders. And then, the sense of a love better thanmine, and of a power stronger than mine, stole over my heartwith an infinite sweetness; the parched and thirsty places ofmy spirit seemed to catch the dews of heaven; and stillsoothed and quieted more and more, I went to sleep with myhead upon the bed's side, where I was kneeling.
CHAPTER VII.
DETAILED FOR DUTY
I awaked in the peace of one who has laid his burden down. Myjoints were a little stiff, from the position in which I hadslept; my mind was set free. The charge of the rival armiesand their conflicts was no longer on my shoulders; even thecare of individual life and safety I thought no longer tosecure. Myself I was a soldier, in a different army; and I hadbeen forgetting my business and presuming into the General'sprovince. No wonder my nerves were strained and my heartalmost broken. That was now all given up; and I went throughmy morning duties in a quiet that was profound, if it was alsovery humble. I had found the only harbour of rest that can befound on the shores of this world; that one which is enteredby paying the tribute of one's self-will. The tides of thegreat sea do not rise and fall there; the anchorage is good;the winds that weep over the waters bring balm with them; andthe banner that floats at the entrance bears this inscription-
"He shall not be afraid of evil tidings; his heart is fixed,trusting in the Lord."
The first thing I heard from Mrs. Sandford was that he doctorwas almost well, and would come down stairs after breakfast. Iknew what that portended for me; thought I knew; but as Isaid, I had given up the management of myself and my concerns."If ye be not able to do that thing which is least, why takeye thought for the rest?" I got my worsted and sat down stairsat my work, to be ready to see the doctor when he should come.Mrs. Sandford took post at the window; and so we waited. Theweather to-day was clear and bright; the street full yet ofmotley groups, returned soldiers and gathered civilians,looking however far less dismal than the day before. Mrs.Sandford from the window detailed all she saw; while myworsted needle went in and out to an interrupted refrain - "Heshall not be afraid of evil tidings" - "Why take ye thought?"-
Then Mrs. Sandford said, "Here comes the major, Daisy. Itseems to me he is very attentive -" and in the major walked.
He gave his hand to me, and his eye glanced at the figure inthe window. I could not help the thought that he wished it notthere. But things too far down had been stirred in me, for alittle surface matter like this to move my calm.
"What news, major?" my friend asked.
"Good. How do you do, Mrs. Sandford? I told you yesterday thatit would be good."
"Yes, but how good is it, Major Fairbairn?"
"Fine."
"Well, go on and tell us. You are a nice major."
"Thank you. In the first place, as you may remember I said itwould be, the lists of casualties are greatly reduced."
"Casualties?" said Mrs. Sandford. "What is that? I am learningso many new things."
"The lists of the killed and wounded."
"Oh! That is what a military man calls _casualties_, Daisy, mydear."
"It is the term in common use -" said the major, lookingsomewhat taken aback.
"I know. Pray, Major Fairbairn, have the officers of the armythe reputation of making good husbands and heads of families?"
"I have always heard that they did," said the major, colouringa little and by no means free of his astonishment.
"I don't see how they can have any sympathy for little commonheartaches and headaches, though, when to be run through thebody is such a trifle. They can't, I think, major."
"But Mrs. Sandford -"
"For instance," the lady went on, unmercifully, - "forinstance, Mi
ss Randolph has her head taken off by a cannonball. The doctor and I are desolate; but Major Fairbairn saysit is a 'casualty.' Or, the doctor himself may be hit by ashot not intended for him, and put out of charge of hishospital for ever. Miss Randolph and I are in ashes; but ourfriend Major Fairbairn says it is only a 'casualty.' "
"But _friends_, Mrs. Sandford, -" the major began.
"Everybody has friends," said Mrs. Sandford. "I was reading inthe paper just now a list of these little accidents. One manhad his leg shattered by a minie ball; it killed him in a fewhours. Another had a charge of grape-shot in his breast; itstruck the spine. _He_ is dead. What is grape-shot, MajorFairbairn?"
The major hastily passed to the sideboard in the other roomand brought me a glass of water.
"Daisy!" Mrs. Sandford exclaimed. "Are you faint, my dear?These are only casualties. My dear, are you faint? what is thematter? - Bless me, how white you are! What is it?"
I drank the water, and struggled back into composure, at leastoutwardly; being very much surprised at myself.
"But what _is_ the matter, Daisy? what is the matter? I havesaid nothing in the world. Cannot you bear that?"
"Major Fairbairn was going to tell us something, ma'am," Isaid, endeavouring to throw my thoughts off.
"That can wait until you are better."
"No," I said, "do not wait. I am well. What were you going tosay, major?"
"Only that things are much better than they were supposed tobe yesterday."
"You said that before. Please go on."
"Well, it is always so," said the major. "At first all thestragglers are counted for lost. Then they come in. They arecoming in now, by scores, all the while. Instead of thousandskilled and wounded, it is found to-day that there are but fiveor six hundred; and without being particularly hard-hearted, Irejoice at it. That is part of what I was going to say."
The major spoke gravely, and looked at me with an anxiousexpression. I assured him I was better, and begged him to tellus the rest.
"You have put it all out of my head, Miss Randolph. Will youhave - won't you have - something else? - wine? Pardon me, youhave not regained your usual colour."
"The best thing would be some more of your good news. I have agreat appetite for good news, after yesterday."
"Naturally. Well, the rest of my news is very good. Thecountry is answering the call made upon her."
"The call for fortitude?" said Mrs. Sandford.
"The call for men, - and for pluck, if you like," said themajor.
"More men," - said Mrs. Sandford.
"Certainly. We must have men. And from every quarter, whereverwe have heard, there comes an enthusiastic response. Sixtythousand new men have been accepted already by the Government;and they are coming in all the while. There will be a verygreat number of fresh arrivals here in a very few days. MissRandolph, your question is answered."
"What question, Major Fairbairn?"
"Whether the North would give up, you know."
"I am glad," I said. "I am glad!"
"And even in saying it, you grow pale again, Daisy. You arenot well!" Mrs. Sandford exclaimed.
"Perfectly well. These times are exciting."
"Rather too exciting. I like the excitement that brings theblood into the cheeks. Do go out and take a walk; you wantfresh air; or yesterday has unstrung your nerves. But you wereso quiet, I thought nothing moved you. Do go and take a walk,Daisy."
The major added a quiet word of urging, saying that if I couldgo at once, he would see that I did not faint before I gothome.
I was bewildered, I think, or I should not have gone; but Iwanted to get away from the talk and to feel the fresh air; Iwas stifled; and I went. My nervous perturbation was asurprise to me. I had given up everything, I thought; I wasquite calm, ready for everything. I thought I was; and yet, solittle a word had unsettled me. So I went with the major. Andthen, I was brought to myself presently by more than the freshair; for I found my friend somewhat too happy in his charge,and more careful of me than I chose he should think there wasany occasion for. Moreover, I could not bear to accept hiscare. I summoned my forces and plunged him into a depth ofpolitical and philosophical discussion which he could not getout of till he left me again at my own door. I reassured Mrs.Sandford then; and sat down to my worsted embroidery with aprofound sense of how little my strength was. A few minutesafterwards Dr. Sandford came in.
I had not seen him now for several weeks; and I never saw himlook better. It immediately struck me, that with him well, itmattered comparatively little whether Mr. Thorold and I werein the same place together or not. Dr. Sandford's clear blueeye was not to be braved with impunity. No more was it to beshunned. But I needed not to shun it. I met it full now. Icould, since last night. The disposal of my affairs, if it wasnot in me, it certainly was not in him. He met me with a smileand a look of pleasure; and sat down by me to watch theprogress of my worsted work. So ostensibly; but I soon knewthat he was watching not my work, but me.
"How have these weeks been with Miss Randolph? Dull?"
"No," I said; - "not dull."
"How have they escaped that?"
"There has been too much to interest, Dr. Sandford."
"Yet I see you at your Berlin wools. Pardon me - but wheneverI see a lady busy with her needle and a bit of canvass, Ialways think she is hard up for something to think of. Pardonagain, Daisy. I know you have no mercy upon slang."
"See how mistaken you are, Dr. Sandford."
"In that? Not in that."
"No; but in your notions about wool and canvass."
"They are true!" said the doctor.
"Ah, but, don't you know that extremes meet?"
"What extremes?"
"All extremes, perhaps. I have been working worsted; for aday or two, just because I had so much to think of."
"They have been exciting days," said the doctor slowly, "to asick man who could do nothing."
"Why not to a woman, for the same reason?"
"Have they tried you very much, Daisy?"
"Why, she was turning faint here a little while ago," broke inMrs. Sandford, "because I was giving an account of somewounded soldiers I had read about in the papers; and the majorand I persuaded her to go out and take a walk to recoverherself."
"The major? - that is indefinite, though you use the definitearticle. What major?"
"Oh, we have a number of military friends. They have kept usalive since you have been shut up. What is this one, Daisy? Heis a very good one. Major Fairbairn."
"Fairbairn? I do not know him," said the doctor.
"It is not necessary that you should know everybody," said hissister-in-law. "Daisy knows him very well."
"And likes him -" said the doctor; "or he could not have ashare in persuading Miss Randolph to anything."
"Yes, I like him," I said. I thought, the more friends in thearmy I had, the better; and also, that Dr. Sandford must notbe permitted to push his lines too far.
"Who _is_ Major Fairbairn?"
"I do not know; he is from Maine or New Hampshire, I think."
"Your parents, Daisy, would not desire these Northernassociations for you; would they?"
I do not know with what calm I faced the doctor and answeredhim. "These Northern associations" - the words touched theinnermost beatings of my heart - if such an expression can beused. Yet I looked at Dr. Sandford in absolute calm, knowingall that the doctor did not know, and spoke with perfectcomposure.
"I cannot escape them, you know, Dr. Sandford, unless I wereto go over to the enemy's lines; and I cannot do that."
"I would not wish that," said the doctor.
"Then your feelings continue all with the Northern men,Daisy?"
"All -" I said.
I went back to my worsted work, but I had a sense that thedoctor was studying me. One cannot judge, of course, of one'sown manner, or know what is in it; so I cannot tell what hadbeen in mine. The doctor sat and considered me; I thought, insome perplexity.
"Daisy's
feelings are appreciated and returned by the Northernmen," Mrs. Sandford said, laughing. "Rides and walks - howmany rides and walks have you taken, Daisy, these forlornweeks, with officers of the Northern army? Oh! they are notungrateful."
Dr. Sandford made no answer, and when he spoke I knew he wasnot making answer to these words. But they startled me.
"Is there anybody engaged in this struggle, Daisy, that youare concerned for?"
"Certainly!" I said; - "several."
"I was not aware -" the doctor began.
"Some whom you know, and some whom you don't know, and on bothsides."
"You have a cousin, I believe, somewhere in the Southern army.He was at West Point, if I remember."
"Preston Gary. I do not know where he is now, only he is amongthem. They say, he is with Beauregard. I was very fond of him.Then there is my brother; he either is with them or he willbe; and there are still others."
"On the Southern side," said the doctor.
"Those two are on the Southern side," I said. "Others are onthe Northern. I am there myself."
"Not exactly in the struggle," said the doctor; "and yet, I donot know. These women!"
I think the doctor was baffled by my perfect quietness