Silence.
Oh, God.
A long period of deafening silence.
“Damien?”
He was staring at me, long and hard, and I found, at that moment, I would have paid any price and done anything to know what was going through his mind.
“Okay,” I said, rubbing my now sweaty palms on my leggings. “Now you’re freakin’ me out.”
“Sorry,” he said, unblinking. “I feel like this isn’t real.”
I looked down at Barbara when she meowed, then flicked my gaze back up to Damien. “It’s very real.”
“Are you saying … that you want to date me?”
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
“I am.” I swallowed. “But this is where things get complicated because I’m not ready to just be your girlfriend. I’ve so much goin’ on right now, but I don’t want that to be another excuse as to why I should shut you out any more than I’ve already done for the past year. I’m takin’ initiative ’ere, and followin’ advice given to me by seemingly everyone. That bein’ said, I want to go slow.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means that we go on dates and we get to know each other because, let’s be honest, we’re different people than when we were eighteen. I want us to build up a trust, a better connection than we have now … I want everythin’ that couples do before intimacy happens.”
Damien licked his lips. “You mean everything we should have done before we had sex when we were kids?”
Exactly.
“Is that okay?”
“Are you kidding?” he exclaimed. “You bet your ass it’s okay … but …”
My stomach tightened. “But?”
“I want to know why you want this.”
I flushed. “What kind of question is that?”
“A valid one,” Damien challenged. “You’ve been ditching me all year, keeping me at arm’s length since I came home. You’ve been guarded, but now, suddenly, you want to try with me. I want to know why.”
I thought about that. Hard. Simply saying I was incredibly attracted to him didn’t seem a good enough answer. Not to me. I looked at Damien and repeated his question in my mind. Why did I want to be with this man? And just like that, the answer came to me.
“Because I’m tired of bein’ scared to accept that you could be it for me. I’m tired of worryin’ what could go wrong if I accepted you back into me life,” I answered, my voice tight with emotion. “I convinced meself that everythin’ that happened between us was your fault … and it wasn’t, Dame. I’m sorry for never admittin’ that before now.”
Surprise lit up his features.
“It wasn’t my fault?”
“No, not entirely, like I’ve always said it was.” I answered. “You were upfront and honest the whole time, and I shouldn’t have used what you said during sex against you. I seduced you, even when you told me it wasn’t a good idea. You told me what would happen. You said I wasn’t a sex only type of girl, and you were dead right, but I didn’t listen. I saw how you looked at me that night, and I used your attraction for me against you because I wanted you so badly. I was aware of what could happen, of what evidently did happen … but I thought I could deal with it if it came to that.”
“But you couldn’t?”
“No, I couldn’t.” I cleared my throat. “I wanted to hate you; you have no idea how much I wanted to. I tried to tell meself that I did; I made it clear to everyone else that I despised you … but I didn’t. I just hated what happened between us because it hurt me so bad. But just know that it wasn’t all your fault. I was more to blame, but I didn’t want to admit that to anyone. Especially meself.”
“Alannah,” Damien murmured as he scrubbed his face with his hands. “It’s hard hearing you say all this.”
“Does it hurt?” I asked softly. “I never wanted to hurt you.”
The look on his face when I told him about Dante flashed through my mind, and it cut me to the bone.
“Hurt me?” He blinked. “Baby, you look so sad telling me this, it’s tearing me up inside.”
Baby.
“I’m fine.” I smiled, sadly. “It’s just been a tryin’ week.”
“You’ll come out on top,” Damien assured me. “You always do.”
“I’m not so sure,” I whispered.
“What?”
“I’m not a brave person,” I said, my lower lip wobbling. “When someone or somethin’ hurts me, I’m not very good at standin’ tall and facin’ it again because I’m scared of bein’ hurt worse than before.” I looked down. “I have this fear in me, Damien. It ruins everythin’.”
“Alannah.”
“Please,” I said with a shake of my head. “Don’t say I’m brave because I’m not. I’m a good-for-nothin’ coward.”
Damien inhaled sharply.
“I am,” I continued. “I was a coward with you, makin’ you believe what happened between us was all down to you when I knew bloody well it wasn’t. I’m a coward with me friends; they were the voice of reason where you were concerned for a long time, and I brushed their opinions aside. I automatically assumed they were wrong, just because they disagreed with me. I’m a coward with me parents; me da has been cheatin’ on me ma for God only knows how long, and I haven’t even tried to tell ’er because it’ll hurt me if she can’t handle it. The woman has breast cancer … she has cancer, not me. She is the one who must fight this evil in ’er body, and all I can fuckin’ think about is that I don’t want ’er to die, because I couldn’t cope without ’er … I make everythin’ about me, and I can’t stand it.”
“Alannah.”
“I’m spineless,” I stated, angrily wiping away the tears that welled in my eyes before they had a chance to fall. “I’m a coward with no courage.”
I jerked back with alarm when Damien moved, and before I knew what was happening, he kneeled before me. His hands went to either side of my face, and his face moved as close as could be without touching his nose to mine.
“You listen to me, Alannah Ryan,” he almost growled. “You are neither of those things, and you have plenty of courage!”
I turned my eyes away from Damien, not allowing myself to believe his words.
“How can you say that, let alone believe it? I’m scared of what is goin’ to happen to me ma, to ’er and me da’s marriage. I’m scared me business is goin’ to up and fail, and I’m absolutely terrified that things will end worse with you than they did the last time.”
“And you say you have no courage?” Damien asked, his thumbs stroking my cheeks. “Real courage is acting when your terrified. You are brave.”
“Why are you bein’ so nice to me?” I whispered. “I’ve made your life hard.”
“Don’t,” he warned.
“You left because of me.” I snivelled. “You said so last week in Branna’s kitchen.”
“I said I left for you, not because of you. I left for me too. I had so much shit to work through, things that I could only figure out by myself. If I thought you did anything to wrong me, Lana, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to win your trust. I wouldn’t have come back at all.”
I looked deep into his eyes.
“How do you manage to make me feel better over somethin’ that’s been plaguin’ me for as long as I can remember?”
“It’s a talent,” he said, his lips twitching. “I learned it in school.”
“With other girls?”
He snorted. “None that were important. They all just wanted my attention.”
“I remember.”
“Everyone wanted something from me,” Damien said.
I remained silent.
He roamed his eyes over my face. “Everyone wanted something ... so what did you want from me, Alannah?”
What did I want from Damien Slater?
“I want what I’ve always wanted, what I still want.”
“Which is what?” he asked, leaning towards me as if he needed to hear my answer.
“Your
time.”
“What?” Damien pulled back and looked at me with confusion.
“Havin’ a single moment of your time was the best part of me day back in school, d’ye know that? Everyone always wanted your attention, your looks, to be on your arm ... but I just wanted to be around you. Nothin’ more, nothin’ less. I just wanted to talk to you … I just wanted your time.”
“You have it,” he said, placing his forehead on mine. “You have every minute of it, every millisecond. It’s yours.”
I closed my eyes and placed my hands on his arms.
“Kiss me.”
Damien made a sound, deep in his throat.
“You said we have to go slow,” he murmured. “We have to. I’m not ruining this.”
“One little kiss won’t ruin anythin’, snowflake.”
“One of your kisses ruined me a long time ago, freckles.”
When I opened my eyes, and smiled at Damien, his breath caught, and that was the only warning I got before he covered his mouth with mine. My hands, as I knew they would, slid straight up to Damien’s hair, and my fingers tangled around the thick strands. I parted my lips, and when his tongue slid against mine, a pulse began to throb between my thighs.
Instantly, I broke the kiss.
“Trouble,” I rasped. “Stop. We’ll get in trouble.”
Damien tensed, but he didn’t attempt to kiss me again, though I knew he wanted to. I could almost feel how much he wanted to.
“Do you want me to go?” he asked, his eyes still on my lips.
I shook my head. “No, I don’t.”
“You don’t want me to leave at all?”
“No,” I answered shyly.
“You’re trying to kill me.” Damien groaned. “I know you are.”
“I promise to be good.”
He grunted.
“I’ll be good,” I continued. “I won’t tease.”
“You’ll be a good girlfriend?”
My stomach flip flopped at the mention of the word.
“Am I your girlfriend?”
“Yes,” Damien answered instantly. “I don’t want to play games. We’ll be dating and dating only each other. What’s the point in not being the other’s partner when we know that’s what we’ll be to each other? I’m not doing that no label bullshit. I’ve seen some of my brothers go down that route, and it was pointless for them. I know who I want, and that is you.”
My stomach erupted with butterflies.
“No games?” I repeated.
Damien nodded. “No games.”
“We’ll have to communicate,” I urged. “We lacked severely in that department before, so it has to be a priority if we’re goin’ to really be doin’ this.”
“We are doing this,” Damien said, licking his lips. “You’re my girlfriend.”
The schoolgirl in me wanted to scream, “I’m Damien Slater’s girlfriend!”, and for once, the woman in me was on the same wavelength.
“I’ll be the best girlfriend,” I assured Damien. “I promise.”
He smiled, leaned in, and brushed his lips gently against mine.
“I can’t fucking believe you’re my girlfriend.”
Neither could I … my friends were going to die.
I shot upright when I heard a loud bang, followed by a string of curse words. I jumped out of my bed, thankfully my bed sheets didn’t wrap around me like a boa constrictor and bring me to my knees. I ran out of my room and came to a skidding stop in the hallway outside of the kitchen. I winced at the brightness of the light and lifted my hand to block it. With my eyes squinted, my vision cleared, and Damien came into view.
A half-naked Damien.
“Fuck.”
Damien jumped and spun to face me.
“You scared the shit out of me,” he said, placing a hand on his ridiculously toned chest in surprise.
My eyes roamed over his body, and my mind began to tick things off one by one.
Nice tan? Check.
Killer abs? Check.
Drool worthy V line? Check.
Treasure trail? Check.
Wearing nothing but black boxer briefs? Check.
“Alannah,” Damien said, his voice gruff.
I flicked my eyes up to him. “How do you maintain a tan? People get lighter ’ere, not darker.”
Damien looked down at his body, then back up at me.
“I’m lighter than I was a year ago.”
“Doesn’t look like it to me.”
When he didn’t reply, I looked up at him and froze when I saw how he was looking at me.
“Stop looking at me like you want to eat me,” he said, his jaw tensed. “I’m only a man, and I’m going to try to touch you if you don’t stop.”
I wasn’t sure if I could adhere to his request, so I lifted my hand and covered my eyes completely. “Done.”
When Damien’s low laughter filled the room, I felt the sudden sexual tension slip away so I smiled and dropped my hand back to my side.
“I didn’t mean to wake you,” he said, a slight frown on his face. “The cat was crying, so I came to check on her and I walked into the table when I came in here.”
I gasped. “Barbara!”
Before I could turn and run into the sitting room, Damien’s voice stopped me.
“She’s in her crate; she’s fine.”
Before we both went to bed—in separate rooms—we set up everything Alec had bought on my behalf for Barbara. There were toys, food, bowls for food and water, litter trays in different sizes for when she grows, a scratching post that took surprisingly forever to put together, a packet of catnip, and a little fur brush. I was confident I’d need to get more supplies for her, but for the moment, it seemed I had everything to sate her needs.
“Did she eat any food?”
Damien nodded. “There is a small dent in what we gave her.”
I gnawed on my lower lip, and worried.
“I hope she isn’t too young for the kitten food.”
“Alec told the woman in the store that you weren’t sure how old she was, but that she was small, so she gave us the food she had for kittens who have just weaned off their mother’s milk.”
I folded my arms across my chest.
“But what if she should still be drinkin’ ’er ma’s milk, and we’re givin’ ’er solid food?”
“You’re going to the vet tomorrow and you know you’ll ask then, okay? We’ve done all we can for now.”
I sighed. “Okay.”
When Damien smiled, I shifted my stance.
“What?”
“We’re standing in your kitchen in the middle of the night talking about a baby kitten, and we’re dating.” He shook his head. “This is just not how I was expecting the night to go when you said you wanted to talk to me.”
“How were you expectin’ it to go?”
“Honestly?”
I nodded.
“I thought you were going to say you just wanted to be friends.”
My lips parted. “Why?”
“I didn’t want to give myself any hope, so I always force myself to expect the worse when it came to you … just so it’d hurt less.”
My stomach churned.
“Dame.” I frowned as I dropped my arms to my side and crossed the room.
He opened his arms and accepted my hug wordlessly. He hugged my body to his and stroked his hand up and down my back. It amazed me how perfectly I fit against him and how soothing I found his touch to be.
“I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to do that.”
“No more apologising.” He kissed the crown of my head. “We aren’t focusing on the past anymore, right?”
I squeezed him. “Right.”
Barbara began to make a lot of noise then, and Damien sighed. “She is singing us the song of her people.”
I laughed, and together we went into the sitting room. I let Barbara out of her crate and encouraged her to eat more food and drink some water. It took a few minutes, but sh
e did consume a little more of both and it relieved me greatly. I pushed her litter tray close to her so she could see and smell it. I tapped on the screen of my phone when a question entered my head.
“I think she has to go to the toilet, and Google says to put ’er on the litter tray after she eats and drinks to promote ’er goin’ to the toilet in it.”
Damien rubbed his eyes. “If Google says so, it must be right.”
I looked up at him.
“Are you bein’ sarcastic?” I blinked. “I’m so stressed out with the cat that I can’t even tell.”
He tiredly laughed, then reached out and hooked his arm around my shoulder, tugging me to his body.
“I love that I can touch you like this without worrying you’ll attack me.”
I slipped my arm around his bare waist, my palms becoming clammy almost instantly.
“When have I ever attacked you?”
“The day I knew you were the one for me,” he answered. “We were eighteen, and everything had just gone to shit between us. You kicked me in the balls and told me to go to hell, and never come back.”
My free hand flung to my mouth, and I laughed.
“I forgot about that!”
“Jesus, I didn’t.” He playfully winced. “I can still feel the blinding pain when I think about it.”
“You’re so full of it,” I cackled.
He looked down at me when I laughed and said, “You’re gorgeous.”
I stopped laughing almost instantly and ducked my head.
“Don’t say stuff like that; you’ll embarrass me.”
Damien groaned. “God, that’s sexy.”
I looked up at him with raised brows.
“What is?”
“The fact that you don’t know you’re gorgeous; it’s such a turn-on.”
I narrowed my eyes, trying to ignore my burning cheeks.
“Stop it.”
Damien smiled with a devilish glint in his eyes.
“Make me.”
I froze. “Nico says that to Bronagh all the time, and nine times out of ten, I make some excuse to leave because I know they’re goin’ to have sex.”
“I think I have more control than my dumb twin brother has.”
I snorted. “You think so, huh?”
“I know so.”
With a grin, I turned back to Barbara to see what she was doing, and I gasped.