Violet didn’t speak a word as she packed. She was probably wishing I had handled that situation better than I did. She was lucky I hadn’t completely lost it.
When we were done, we went and helped Dante finish packing his things. I told him I was sorry I volunteered him to come with us. He wasn’t upset about it, though. He said he was actually happy and that our mother had been driving him nuts by constantly checking on him.
“Liliana,” my mother’s voice pleaded as we were heading down the stairs. “Please stay with us. You’re safe here.”
“Mamma,” I said trying to not sound too agitated. “I’m not staying here. I have my own home not even a block away from here, and it’s just as safe there as it is here.”
“Why are you being so difficult?” she snapped. She was the only one in the family that had yet to call me difficult. It hurt me instantly.
“I’m not difficult, mom,” I spat back at her. She hated to be called mom. It was always mamma.
“I’m calling Benito right now!” she cried.
“Benito! What’s he going to do about it? He can’t handle me any better than you and papà.”
“Rosaria,” my father’s voice rang out. “She may go to her house.”
I was surprised.
“Thank you,” I said perking up.
“Oh don’t thank me yet.” He grinned. “You have to find a way to get home since you don’t have a car here, and twelve inches of new snow fell in the last twenty-four hours.”
I felt like such an idiot. I should have thought about that before I pitched such a fit.
“Also, it’s pretty slick out there. You can’t use the snowmobiles or the four wheelers. Have fun.” He turned on his heels and laughed as he headed toward his den.
“We could walk and come back and get Dante?” Violet suggested.
“How would we get the car back down here?” I asked as I looked out the window noticing the roads were full of snow. Residential housing was always the last to get cleared.
I looked at Dante who had a questionable look on his face.
“How bad do you want to get home?” Dante asked. As soon as he said that, I already knew my only option left, and my father didn’t say it was off limits.
“We’re going to have to use that stupid bulldozer, aren’t we?” I asked.
“Yes,” Dante replied.
“I hate that thing. It’s so hard to drive!” I complained as I headed downstairs. Dante and Violet followed.
“You will be fine,” Dante said as he headed toward the back door. “Just remember the clutch. Keys are in the ignition,” he said as he ushered me to the back door.
It took Violet and me about five minutes to get to the shop and another fifteen to get the dozer started. I hadn’t driven it in a long time since the guys always made fun of the way I drove it. It also didn’t help that I couldn’t drive it in a straight line either.
What should have taken us at the most ten minutes, ended up taking almost an hour by the time we started the journey to the shop and ended up in our driveway. I couldn’t count how many times I killed that stupid piece of shit and had to restart it.
We were freezing by the time we reached our house. I was pretty sure I couldn’t feel three-fourths of my body.
“So are we going to go and get Dante now or wait?” Violet asked.
“Wait. We probably need to make sure the house is clean and ready for him.”
Violet agreed as we headed inside.
The house looked just as beautiful now as when we left. What a waste that no one lived in it. I couldn’t bring myself to sell it, and I was glad I didn’t.
The inside was just as we had left it. The heater had been turned on low to keep the pipes from bursting, but it was still chilly in the house. Violet turned it up before we went to work.
No one had lived in the house in quite a while, so it needed to be dusted, vacuumed, and mopped. We ripped off all the sheets on all the beds and washed and dried them while we worked. It didn’t take us very long to deep clean the house. It wasn’t that bad. We could have just did a quick clean and it would have been fine, but we wanted to make sure it was as close to sterile as we could get it.
Emilio would be here soon, followed by my brothers and their family. Some of which would be staying with me.
***
The next day passed by slowly. Emilio had flown in that morning and was staying with us. Roman’s funeral was tomorrow and he didn’t want to miss it or the service we were having at Roman’s parents’ house tonight. Both were going to be really hard on all of us.
We left our house around five to head to Roman’s parents. By the time we arrived, most of his family was already there. We had been the only non-family invited. Just the close ones from our family came: my father, mother, Dante, Violet, Emilio, and me.
Shortly after we arrived, the priest started the prayer service. He began by praying over Roman’s body and spoke a few words in his memory. Once he was finished, he turned everyone’s attention to Dante. He had been asked to give the eulogy.
He began and his words were so touching. He talked about how he first met Roman and how they became very good friends. He talked about what kind of person Roman was and how he was always able to lift anyone’s spirit.
When Dante got to the part about how Roman had helped him out with a huge obstacle he faced as a teenager, he choked up a bit. He explained how Roman had always stuck by him no matter what choices he had made in life, even if they weren’t the best.
I knew this was tearing Dante apart. Anyone could see it on his face. He paused and buried his head in his sleeve as he tried to wipe away the tears. He took a few moments to gain control over his emotions, but they consumed him completely.
As I saw my brother suffering through my own tear filled eyes, my heart began hurting even more. I rose from my seat and walked to Dante’s side, immediately embracing him in a hug. It wasn’t long after that when he took a deep breath, turned, and looked at everyone again. He apologized, even though it wasn’t necessary. I stayed by Dante’s side, holding his hand until he finished.
Roman’s father was next. He spoke about Roman when he was growing up and even went into how wonderful of a man he had become as he got older. He talked about Roman’s warm heart and how he cared for everyone close to him. His eulogy brought on a new set of tears as I thought about all those years I watched Roman become the man I knew him to be.
When Roman’s father finished, the priest led everyone in a final prayer for the night and left us to converse with the family. We stayed for a while comforting each other and telling stories of our greatest memories.
Tonight had been beautiful. Although I cried a few times, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. Everyone was there to support each other, and that made everyone feel much stronger. Tomorrow, on the other hand, might be a different story.
We arrived back at the house a few hours later. It was already late and we knew tomorrow would be a tough day. Roman’s funeral was at ten in the morning. We all needed to head to bed soon. The morning would be here before we knew it.
Emilio ended up staying with me that night. He had come to say goodnight and found me curled up on my bed crying. His warm embrace instantly made me feel safer, and I clung to him until I fell asleep in his arms.
The alarm woke us up the next morning at eight-thirty and I immediately started getting ready. Dante, Violet, Emilio, and I stayed busy, trying not to think about anything other than our immediate task.
Once I was ready, I took a good look at myself in the mirror. I looked like a walking cliché with my black dress, black veil, and black flats on. Roman would have made fun of me if he was here today.
Violet joined me in my room after she had finished getting dressed and found me staring in the mirror. What was I looking at or for? I don’t even remember.
She already had tears in her eyes. I had told myself this morning I was going to hold it together
today. I wasn’t going to cry. I was going to be strong. But seeing her like that, made it hard, and before I knew it, we were both standing in the middle of my room sobbing into each other’s shoulders.
We stayed that way until Dante and Emilio came in to get us. They looked so handsome dressed in their suits and ties, even with their somber faces. Violet and I pulled ourselves together and touched up our makeup. If I couldn’t make it out of my house without crying, then how was I going to make it through the funeral? So as we exited the house, I took several deep breaths and held Emilio’s hand tight.
We arrived shortly before the funeral started, taking our seats right behind where Roman’s family would be seated. We didn’t have to wait very long before his family was ushered in. His mother’s cheeks were already stained with tears and his father was dabbing his eyes with his handkerchief. Roman’s three brothers were in attendance, along with their significant others.
The priest began the service precisely on time. He talked about Roman and different things that had happened in his life, and then he went into a small sermon about life and death in general. I cried on and off throughout the whole sermon. Today was a lot harder than I anticipated. This was the day that we were truly saying goodbye to Roman and laying him to rest.
Once the priest finished his sermon, they played a few songs in memory of Roman. The first song was Amazing Grace followed by a few more that touched my heart. For all of us that knew them, we sang along. And once the songs ended, we were all ushered out of the church.
We made our way to the cemetery. Only my family and Roman’s would be the ones to officially lay Roman to rest. This was the part I was dreading the most. I could handle hearing about his life, talking about him, and even reliving that awful night in my head, but when it came to watching them lower his casket into the ground, that was when I knew I would completely fall apart.
When we reached Roman’s plot, everything was already set up for the final service. The priest began by praying over the plot in which he would be buried. We watched silently as they lowered him into the ground. The only thing we could hear were the cries from his mother ringing out. This was too much for me. I turned into Emilio and he wrapped his arms around me and held me tight as I cried into his shoulder.
Emilio loosened his arms when they had completely settled the coffin in the ground. I wiped my eyes and turned in Emilio’s arms for the final prayer. The priest spoke the last prayer over the coffin and then we joined in as we spoke The Lord’s Prayer. I instantly felt calm, as if something had told me that everything was going to be okay.
When we arrived back at the house, the rest of the day was quiet. Everyone went their separate ways. Christmas was just a few days away and I was expecting my relatives to start arriving tomorrow. The house was already fairly clean, but I went ahead and recleaned it anyways. I needed something to help distract me and it took me longer than usual. I mopped the kitchen two times and didn’t realize it until Dante came over and took the mop away from me that I had just started on it a third time. Cleaning had seemed like the best solution at the time, but I guess it was a distraction in itself.
***
The next day was a busy day with everyone arriving for Christmas. My house was bustling with my nieces and nephews running around the house while Marcello, Giorgio, and their wives settled into their rooms. My parent’s house was packed and I took on the overflow.
We spent most of the day getting everyone settled and making sure they were comfortable. A few times I would disappear into my room for a few minutes of peace to cry and then make myself presentable again. Christmas Eve was tomorrow and I was looking forward to hopefully having a good day.
Christmas Eve was fun. Dante, Violet, and I smiled and laughed for the first time in over a week. I had woken up and made breakfast for everyone at my house before we headed over to my parents for games and movies.
My sisters-in-law, Emilio’s sister, and I helped prepare tomorrow’s meal while my mother and Emilio’s mother cooked the Christmas Eve dinner. It was a simple traditional Italian dinner with spaghetti, lasagna, real Italian pizzas, and my favorite dessert, tiramisu. The day went by quickly between playing with the kids, hanging with the family, and helping in the kitchen.
Before we knew it, my group was headed back to my house and everyone was headed up to their rooms. The house fell silent fast. The day had been a lot of fun, but in the silence, I felt tired and sad. I got to thinking about how I had laughed today for the first time since I had been back home, and then I thought about how Roman’s family wouldn’t be laughing this holiday season. They were still mourning the loss of him, and so were we.
I felt awful for having a decent moment of happiness. I felt the warm tears as they started trickling down my cheeks.
“Liliana?” Emilio asked as he knocked on my half opened door.
“Yes,” I said as I wiped the tears from my face before I turned around to face him.
“Are you okay?”
I couldn’t even answer him. I shook my head and buried my face in my hands. I felt his arms slide around me and pull me in close to him. We fell back into the bed and laid there for a while. Emilio never spoke a word as I buried my face into his chest and just cried.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said as I sat up. I could see the ring of water I had left on his shirt from my tears. “It’s just sometimes I think about things and I can’t control it.”
“Don’t apologize for having feelings Lily,” he said as he placed his hand under my chin and brought his eyes to mine.
“Thank you for being there for me. I don’t know what I would have done without you the past couple of days,” I said.
“I’ll always be here for you Lil, whenever you need me,” he said.
“Thanks,” I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I must look like a mess. I think I’ll go take a bath.”
A bath sounded amazing right now and just what I needed. I turned my attention back to Emilio. “Will you stay again tonight?”
“If you want me to,” he answered.
I nodded.
“See you in a minute,” I said as I headed toward the bathroom.
When I returned I found Emilio had stripped off his shoes, shirt, and belt. He left his jeans on and was lying on his stomach already passed out. His tribal tattoo, that covered his entire back, was stretched across his muscles. I remembered when he first decided to get it. I couldn’t believe he wanted something that took up his entire back and upper shoulders. I tried to talk him out of it, but he was too excited. Once he actually had it done, it turned out to be beautiful. I loved it then, and looking at it now, I still did.
I grabbed the blanket that was draped on the back of my chair and threw it over him, before I strolled around to the other side of the bed and covered myself up. I nestled down into the bed and turned my back to him. It wasn’t long until he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me in close. I laid there quietly and listened to him breath until I finally went peacefully to sleep.
***
I woke the next morning to Emilio snoring quietly. I couldn’t believe I had slept all night, no night terrors. I felt well rested, and it was wonderful.
I propped myself up and turned to look at Emilio. He was lying on his back with his left arm raised above his head and his right resting on his stomach. He looked so peaceful and stress free as I watched his chest rise and fall with each breath he took.
In the middle of his chest was a tattoo I hadn’t seen before. He had the enormous back tribal, and then on his right rib cage, he had both of our sayings to each other scripted in Italian. Mine being, “my life, my heart,” and his, “I love you more than life itself.”
The new one was different and mesmerizing. Right over his heart was a large weeping pink and white Asiatic hybrid lily. It was breathtaking with such vibrant colors. What looked like raindrops came from the lily, as if it was crying. The raindrops flowed down his chest and into his ribs and then
stopped. I sat there staring at it, holding back the urge to touch it, not wanting to wake him up. I would ask him about it. Soon.
I slowly rose from the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I jumped into the shower and let the hot water run down my head and back. It felt good as it rolled over my tension filled shoulders and neck.
I stood there for what seemed like forever before I finally got out. I had to wipe the steam from the mirror just to see myself as I started to dry my hair. I hurried to get dressed and ready for the day. I still couldn’t believe it was Christmas.
Emilio was sitting on my bed when I walked out of the bathroom. He smiled as soon as I met his eyes. He was stunning.
“Merry Christmas,” he said as I made my way to him.
“Merry Christmas.” I smiled back and sat down next to him.
“I wanted to give you this.” He grinned as he held out a small box. It was too big to be a ring box, so I thought it would be safe to open. My hands shook as I slowly opened the black velveteen box. I took in a deep breath as I saw what was in it. I took my new locket out of the box and held it up to my face.
“Oh my gosh Emilio, it’s absolutely gorgeous!” I couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. “I love it! Thank you so much.”
It was a silver locket in the shape of an oval, with a single diamond in the middle from which swirls branched out and then curled at the ends. I flipped it around in my hand before I opened it. There wasn’t a place for a picture, but Emilio had it inscribed with “If you believe in yourself enough, you’ll always find a way.” I was taken aback by the quote. I wasn’t exactly sure why he would have chosen it, but I liked it.
“Will you help me?” I asked as I held the locket out to him.
He took it in his hand and I turned toward the mirror pulling my hair away from my neck. I watched his concentrated look as he fumbled with the clasp and finally secured it around my neck, and then I turned to face him.
“Thank you again Emilio,” I said as I leaned in and kissed him on his cheek.
“Lily?” he asked. His voice and face suddenly became serious.