The moment Astrid left I turned on Edi, squirming hysterically. “How dare you!” I cried. “How dare you bring her here and ask her to stay with you. I heard you!”
She held me down so I couldn’t move at all, but it was only when I saw her eyes were red and swimming in tears again that my squirming ceased. “You brought him here,” she said through her teeth.
“I’m sorry!” I said, sobbing now. “I’m so sorry! But I swear to you we did nothing. We just decorated and hung out. I didn’t even think of it that way, but never again. The last thing I’d ever wanna do is hurt you!”
She squeezed her eyes shut, her brows pinching. “You don’t know what that did to me,” she said, bringing her face down and burying it in my neck. She let my hands go, and I hugged her and kissed her, feeling her breathe in deeply. “This is exactly why—”
“No!” I said, aware of how desperate I sounded. “I’m so sorry, Edi. I swear I just didn’t think things through. I’m so, so sorry,” I kept saying as I kissed her over and over. Astrid’s words burned through me. “I’ll never hurt you again. Ever. I promise.”
I still wasn’t sure if I was ready to do this with her. Come out to the world that I was gay or at the very least an incredibly confused bi, but all I knew was I never again wanted to feel what I felt knowing I’d hurt Edi so profoundly.
She pulled her face away from my neck and looked in my eyes. “I’m so scared,” she said.
“Don’t be,” I said, kissing her lips, knowing exactly what she meant because I was beyond scared. I was terrified. “Don’t be,” I repeated, trying to convince myself as well. “I love you.”
If I knew anything for certain at that moment, it was that love was supposed to conquer all, right? I loved Edi and she loved me. Maybe not in the exact same way, but we could do this. As terrified as I was about what was happening—what I was about to get myself into—I was more terrified about someone like Astrid coming into our lives and tearing us apart. I knew I’d never be able to handle losing Edi. Ever.
She kissed me deeply, and that’s all we did that night—kissed and told each other over and over how much we loved one another. There was passion, but more than anything, there was love. I’d since done more research on the complexities of lesbian relationships, and I knew it wasn’t unheard of for a straight woman to fall for a gay woman, and that’s exactly what had happened. I did love Edi and wanted nothing more than to keep her in my life no matter what it took.
We made promises that night. No more Cole. No more Astrid. I didn’t want her even speaking to Astrid. By the time we passed out in each other’s arms, we were completely drained emotionally, but it was settled. We were no longer just besties. We were each other’s girlfriends—partners.
I assured her I was ready and absolutely for it, even though deep inside I felt anything but. Yet nothing, nothing felt worth going through the fear I’d gone through those days before she got back. Days and sleepless nights where I wondered what was going to happen when she got back. Was our friendship over? I’d wanted this all along anyway, right? To know no one would be replacing me in Edi’s life and that she’d never leave me. I could definitely be happy in this new arrangement.
Chapter 5
Henri
Things were perfect for the first few weeks after our dramatic reunion when Edi got back from her Christmas-break trip back home. I wasn’t sure how this all was going to work. But Edi knew how very new this all was to me and was extremely sweet and beyond patient with me.
I’d since ended things with Cole. Fortunately, he called when I was at work, and I didn’t need to have that conversation in front of Edi. I felt a little guilty that I didn’t tell him everything: that I was now with my female roommate in a lesbian relationship. But he hadn’t asked, and I told myself that, regardless of who I was with now, he was probably grateful I spared him the details.
Edi’s farewell conversation with Astrid was a little different. It was one she’d had in front of me and a bit difficult to listen to. Edi and I had been lying in bed still, a week after my hysterical confrontation with Astrid, when the phone rang. Edi picked it up, holding it in the air as I lay next to her. I looked up and saw Astrid’s name on the screen, immediately going stiff when I saw the hearts before and after her name. She let it ring twice before sitting up and answering it. I lay back on my pillow and listened.
“Hello?” She was quiet for a moment. “No. Everything is good actually. Yes, I am.”
I clutched the sheet around my neck, trying to make out what Astrid was saying to her but couldn’t.
“I know, Astrid, but it’s one I’m gonna take,” Edi said, smiling softly at me.
I swallowed hard, knowing Astrid was likely warning her once again of the very thing I was still afraid of: in the long run this wouldn’t work and she’d end up hurt again.
“I know,” Edi said. “But I can’t help the way I feel. We have an understanding now, and we’re gonna do this.” She laughed softly. “Yeah, that’s not gonna work anymore.”
I stared at her, and she caressed my face as she nodded and continued talking to Astrid. “I know that and I appreciate it. You’re a good friend. Take care.”
She hung up, set the phone aside, and wrapped her arms around me, pecking me. “That was our goodbye, okay? She knows I can’t have her in my life anymore.”
My heart pounded but not because it was swelling with happiness as I knew it should be. The reality of this was really beginning to set in. Edi had just gotten rid of her go-to friend, the one she ran to when I hurt her. A friend I was certain was probably secretly in love with Edi too.
I was hit with a sudden feeling of enormous pressure. Edi was taking a huge risk on us—on me. I wanted to believe in us as much as she apparently did, but there was still that nagging feeling in the back of my head.
This wasn’t who I really was. A fact I knew, no matter how long I was with Edi, wouldn’t be changing.
School started again, and I still hadn’t told Eileen or Maggie and had no plans of telling them. I reasoned that my private life was just that. They knew Edi and I lived together, but they didn’t have to know more. I knew that contradicted Edi’s beliefs about keeping things on the down low, so I distanced myself from Eileen and Maggie.
Edi no longer had practice, but she had gotten an internship at a local hospital. We both stayed busy. A few weeks after we’d been back in school, Eileen called, saying she and Maggie were close by and asked if they could stop by. I knew Edi would be at her internship for a few more hours, and I hadn’t hung with any of my friends since winter break. I did miss them, so I quickly agreed.
From day one Edi and I had photos of not just us but all the girls in high school on the walls and front room tables. There were two new ones now in the front room: one of her and me wrapped in each other’s arms on the sofa and another of us kissing as she held up the phone and took the photo. It was the same one she had on her phone screensaver. My phone screensaver was a photo of us too, but not kissing. We were smiling big, face-to-face, and it could easily pass as a bestie photo like the many we’d taken before I even knew she was gay.
I felt terrible doing it, but I took the incriminating photos down and shoved them into a kitchen drawer. I just didn’t feel ready to talk about this yet. The girls hung out for a while with Maggie excitedly informing me that, now that she had a car, we could all go out more often. It was fun hanging with them again, and as much as I knew it would be fun to go out with them, I knew things were different now.
Just after they left, Edi called to say there was a party she wanted to go to that night. We hadn’t gone out to a party in months, and this would be our first outing as a couple. It would be a party with her volleyball friends, and Astrid might even be there.
“If at any moment you want to leave, then we’re out,” Edi said. “No big deal.”
I told her about Eileen and Maggie stopping by. She knew they were both as straight and as boy crazy as they came, but I still w
anted to avoid any kind of unpleasantness at all cost. I didn’t want her thinking I was keeping anything from her. The guilt that I’d already hurt her once still weighed heavily on me.
I got up and entered what was our room now. I hadn’t slept in the front room since she got back from winter break. I heard the front door open just as I finished getting dressed.
“Babe, I’m home,” she said, and I heard her put her things down then walk into the kitchen.
A few minutes later I strolled out, combing my still wet hair. My big smile flattened and my stomach dropped the moment I saw her. She was standing in the kitchen, looking at the photos of us I’d forgotten to take out of the drawers. She scrutinized me with that undeniably hurt expression and lifted her brows. “You hid these?”
“No,” I said stupidly as if there could possibly be any other reason why they were in that drawer.
“Then why are they in here?” she asked, slamming the drawer shut.
I rushed to her and she started to back away, but there was nowhere she could go, so I backed her up against the kitchen wall. She swatted my hands away as I tried to touch her face.
“Listen to me,” I said urgently, still trying to touch her and calm her.
“You didn’t want your friends to see them. Is that it?”
“Yes, but—”
“Why?” Her eyes opened wide. “You have feelings for either of them, Henri?
“No!” I practically yelled. “That’s not it at all,” I said, pushing myself up against her. “I just haven’t told them.”
“Why?” she asked again. “Are you ashamed to?”
“No,” I reached out to try and calm her, but she kept pushing me away. “Edi, try to understand,” I pleaded. “You’ve had your entire life to prepare to come out. I’ve had less than two months.”
She stared at me, breathing hard, but didn’t push me away anymore, so I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly. The relief should’ve been more gratifying when she wrapped her arms just as tightly around my waist and kissed my forehead. But feeling her pounding heart against her chest upped the reality of what we were in for. This was only the beginning.
To my surprise, she apologized. “I’m sorry,” she said, kissing my neck. “I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more understanding—patient. I promise.”
I pulled away, searching her eyes, feeling that familiar dull ache in my heart. She looked so scared, and I’d felt how hard her heart pounded. I caressed her face with my hand. In all the years I’d known her, I’d never seen her so vulnerable. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I should’ve told you how I was feeling. I was just afraid you’d be angry or hurt.” I kissed her fingers as she touched my lips with them. “I will never hurt you again.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s normal,” she assured me. “You’re right. My entire life I’d been preparing for the day I knew was inevitable. You’ve barely had a few weeks to embrace this side of you.”
I swallowed hard, letting those last four words sink in.
This side of me.
What scared me the most was that, unlike her, this wasn’t me entirely—genuinely. I had two sides: the real side and the side that wanted to love Edi as she loved me. Until then, the real me wasn’t protesting. This side of me was winning what I didn’t even know then would be a battle. Shaking away the fear, I smiled. “Thank you for understanding.”
~*~
Aaron
A proposal on Valentine’s Day was cheesy and unoriginal, but things had begun to feel as if they were unraveling for Mia and me. The business had been busier than ever after taking up most of my downtime from the fire department. While it was a good time in my life financially, I’d landed a few major accounts with some international companies that were taking up all my time. My relationship with Mia felt as if it were about to crash and burn.
Bad fucking timing is what it was. Just when business was really taking off, we were also ambushed with all the pre-wedding crap for my best friend Luke, who’d proposed to Mia’s cousin after only five months of dating her. They’d be married less than a year after they met!
As if that didn’t make me look like shit in comparison, since I was his best man and Mia the maid of honor, we were heavily involved in every aspect of this damn wedding. The shower was over, thank God, but the fittings were ongoing, more so for Mia than me, and I could tell those especially were starting to get to her. A couple of the times I’d met up with her after one of her fittings I’d convinced myself she was in a bad mood for other reasons. But Luke had confirmed to me that Mia had broken down to his fiancée—her cousin Ruth—at one of the fittings about being tired of waiting.
What the hell was it with everyone? We were only twenty-nine, yet everyone was acting as if the clock were ticking at lightning speed. Even Luke had begun to ask what I was waiting for. Since everyone was so gung ho about this whole marriage thing and it’d never been a question of if I should but when, I decided to just shut everyone up and do it already. It wasn’t the best thought out nor the most romantic proposal in the history of proposals, but I knew one thing. Mia would be happy and that’s all that mattered.
Personally, if I’d had it my way, I would’ve done so privately as I originally planned to do last Christmas then got cold feet. But Luke told Ruth that I mentioned I was going to propose soon. Then she called my sister who then told my mom, and they all thought since I’d taken so long to do it, it should be extra-special. Luke and Ruth finally came up with one of the more decent plans that didn’t involve a flash mob or sky writing or something ridiculous. We’d meet up with Luke and Ruth for dinner then end up at a karaoke bar where I’d pretend to be getting up on stage to sing. Mia wouldn’t know it, but her friends and family as well as mine would sneak in and grab tables in the darkened room so, once I got up there, I could let her know who was there and why.
I agreed and, except for me flubbing the lines a few times while I was up there, she said “yes” and it was over. I did it on a Friday, and then we spent the rest of the weekend at my house where I attempted though failed a few times to stay away from my computer and phone and give her my undivided attention. Sort of.
Once the weekend was over, I felt strangely relieved, and at first, I was happy. Maybe this meant it was for the best as everyone seemed to think. But I quickly found out what I was feeling was relief that I’d bought myself some time. Somehow being too busy to see her for a few days didn’t feel so bad anymore, and she’d been sweetly understanding about my canceling a date the following week. It was as if having that ring on her finger made it all better.
On top of it all, another thing had begun to gnaw at my conscience. Strangely, even amidst my assiduity to my work, I still hadn’t been to shake the thoughts of my sister’s young friend Henrietta. That moment we’d had plagued my mind constantly.
I told myself it was all business-related. Though growing fast, my business was still in its infancy. Bea and Eileen were my only employees. I was so busy but apprehensive about hiring strangers to come into my home. I’d have to give them access to passwords and secure websites with a lot of personal business info.
Though it’d been almost two months since the last time I’d seen her, several things had stuck with me: Henrietta wasn’t pleased with her current employment status, she seemed honest and sweet enough that I could trust her, and Bea was a good judge of character. She’d never bring a friend home to spend the night at my parents if she didn’t trust her, right? But more than anything, never had anyone made such a lasting impression on me in such a short amount of time. As much as I told myself it was nothing more than a shallow physical thing—those gorgeous and intriguing eyes, her distracting supple lips, the cute little shape and curves I should be ashamed of even noticing since she was so young—I couldn’t shake the nagging desire to not just see her but talk to her again. I wanted to hear more about how she’d taken the misfortune in her life and turned it into a learning experience. A positiv
e. So young and so strong yet clearly she had a vulnerable side she wasn’t afraid to show. But mostly there was something I’d never forget.
That moment.
As much as I tried not to, I’d find myself rewinding certain commercials or TV shows when I saw women who had eyes similar to Henrietta’s. Though none even compared. Okay, maybe I was as attracted to her as much as I’d been impressed. Her eyes were stunning, yet even after our short but revealing conversation, I could tell there was so much more behind those eyes.
An idea had begun to stir. One I knew might be dangerous simply because of the amount of time I’d found myself distracted by it. But as much as that voice of logic in my head insisted I bury the idea—that no good could come of it—the other more powerful voice had become far more persuasive.
The next time I spoke with Bea when she came over to put in a few hours of work for me, the perfect moment presented itself. It was harmless. For all I knew, nothing would become of it, but I’d at least get it out of my system.
“Wow, Aaron,” Bea said, typing away as I wandered into the back room. “The queue is really backed up. I haven’t had a chance to check, but I hope you’ve posted some kind of disclaimer on your website that most of these orders will have shipping delays. There’s stuff in here from like two weeks ago.”
“I know.” I frowned as I neared the desk where she sat at. “I have to give my bigger accounts priority, but some of those clients with the smaller accounts are going to end up canceling if I don’t get those orders filled soon.”
I hesitated for a moment, flipping through some papers on the desk, wondering if this was a good idea or not. I almost decided against it, but then just did it.
“Listen, I still need to hire more people. You and Eileen are not gonna be able to handle that queue on your own much longer. I have a few more trade shows coming, and each time I get a ton more orders. But I’m still hesitant about bringing in complete strangers. You know anyone else who might be looking for work? I could make them full-time if they have the time, and you know I pay more than the minimum. It’s worth it if they’re good workers I can trust.”