It was good to get back to the commune the next morning. The fresh coat of paint we had given the main building earlier that spring gleamed bright white against the blue sky and the air smelled fresh and clear after London. Leo’s dad and Ros were back from Devon, full of excitement about the cottage they wanted to buy. Dad brought Gemma home from the hospital that afternoon. Lily was out of intensive care and doing much better than before and Gemma seemed more her old self, charting with everyone in the kitchen. She said she missed the baby desperately, but knew she was in the best place to fully recover. I agreed to go into the hospital with her the next morning for a visit on my way to sixth form college.
Mum’s words echoed in my head from time to time. I also thought about Cody taking money to kill someone. Everything I’d seen and heard in the Blue Parrot seemed now to belong to some long-ago dream.
Where was Flynn? In all the drama of last night I hadn’t really processed what Cody had told me – that he hadn’t seen Flynn since the party. I wondered what he was doing for money. His wallet was still stuffed in my pocket. Returning it seemed impossible now.
I mused over things Flynn had said to Cody about me – how cool, how smart, how beautiful I was. And how he hadn’t lied about leaving his work, even though it was clear he was in massive trouble with his boss – Bentham – for running away.
It took me ages to fall asleep that night. The image of Cody examining his gun kept flashing in front my eyes. But at last I did drift into a deep, dreamless sleep.
Hours passed. And then a creaking noise woke me. My eyes snapped open. It was still dark. I listened out. Had I dreamed the creaking sound? I turned my head.
A male figure was silhouetted in the doorway. I gasped, horror-struck. For a split second I stared at the man’s outline, my eyes straining to focus properly.
And then he sped towards me.
10
I opened my mouth to scream. But before I could make a sound, the dark figure reached me, a shadowy blur in the dim light. His hand clamped over my mouth.
‘Sssh, River.’ His voice was low and as familiar as breathing.
‘Flynn?’ My squeak came out muffled – half relief that he wasn’t a burglar who’d just broken into the commune, half shock that it was him, here, after all this time.
Flynn took his hand away. My still-sleep-filled eyes took him in. His face was pale in the dim light. ‘Are you all right?’ he asked.
‘I think so.’ I reached for my bedside lamp.
‘Don’t,’ Flynn whispered. He sat down beside me on the bed. ‘I don’t want your dad to know I’m here.’
‘What is it?’ As I spoke, the image of Cody, gun in hand, agreeing to kill someone, forced its way into my mind’s eye again. I shivered. ‘What are you doing here?’
Flynn took the cardigan that hung on the chair by the bed and draped it gently over my shoulders. His hand lingered on my arm. ‘I had to speak to you,’ he said, taking his hand away at last and laying it on the quilt.
I touched his fingertips with mine. ‘Speak to me about what?’
We stared at each other. Flynn moved nearer. ‘I wish . . .’
‘What?’ I was locked into his eyes, pale gold in the dim light. I could feel the longing come off him in waves.
‘I came to warn you,’ Flynn whispered. He sat back.
My stomach clenched into a knot. ‘Warn me about what?’
‘Cody,’ Flynn said. ‘He knows that you saw him at the Blue Parrot taking money to do a job, that you called the police about it.’
The knot in my stomach tightened. ‘How did he know I was there?’
‘The police came round asking questions that showed they knew what had happened, though they couldn’t prove it. After they’d gone, Cody checked the CCTV of the backyard. It shows the doorway of the room you were in. Cody saw you’d hidden there and he called me straightaway.’ Flynn grimaced. ‘To be honest, he’d been calling me since I walked out on Bentham, threatening me. I’d been ignoring him. But last night he left a message threatening you. So I rang him.’
‘What exactly did he say?’ I asked.
‘That he’s angry, scared you’ll go back to the police, give a proper statement about what you saw.’ Flynn hesitated, frowning. ‘The job he was given was a hit, wasn’t it?’
I nodded. ‘Did he—?’
‘No, he wouldn’t say what had happened but it wasn’t hard to work it out.’ Flynn’s frown deepened. ‘Or to work out that he’s so terrified you’ll rat him out that he’s going to come after you and make sure you don’t. He wanted to know where you lived.’
An image of Cody’s cold eyes flashed into my head. ‘What did you tell him?’ I whispered.
‘I refused to tell him anything, but he knows your name . . . what you look like. He’s met my family and some of my friends, though I’ve told them all to say nothing and I made sure he was on a job for Bentham miles away before I came here, so I know he hasn’t followed me.’ Flynn let out a despairing sigh. ‘I’m so sorry, River.’
I nodded, placing my hand over his on the quilt. Flynn curled his fingers around mine, his head bowed. A moment passed, then he looked up.
‘Why were you at the Blue Parrot? Were you . . . looking for me?’
I nodded, feeling my cheeks burn. ‘I . . . er, I wanted to return your money, your wallet . . .’ I reached for my clothes at the end of the bed and pulled Flynn’s wallet out of my pocket. I handed it to him. ‘Here.’
He took the soft leather and laid it down on the bed. ‘I don’t want this back, I already told you. I’ve stopped working for Bentham and I’ve cancelled the bank accounts and the cards. I’ve got enough money to live on while I look for a proper job, but . . . but none of that matters.’ He took my hand again. ‘I just want you to be safe. That’s why I’m here. To say how sorry I am about . . . about what you saw and to warn you to be on your guard and . . . and to tell you that I’m going to be watching over you.’
I squeezed his strong fingers, loving the touch of his hand on mine. I couldn’t believe how natural, how right it felt that he was here, holding my hand. And yet what he was telling me about Cody was beyond shocking. I was in danger, he was saying, even though right here and now it didn’t feel real.
‘What d’you mean, “watching over me”?’ I asked.
‘I’ll be close by, like a bodyguard, checking who comes and goes into the commune, following you to college or wherever. If you go to your mum’s, I’ll follow you there, too.’ Flynn paused. ‘I told Cody there was no way you’d go to the police, but he said you obviously already had, seeing as they’d called round to the Blue Parrot after an anonymous tip-off.’
I sucked in my breath, horrified.
‘Don’t be scared, Riv,’ Flynn whispered. ‘I’ll protect you.’
‘I should go to the police properly,’ I said. ‘I should give them my name . . . a full statement.’
Flynn shook his head. ‘There’s no point – you’ve already told the police everything you saw and heard, haven’t you?’
I nodded, thinking about the man I’d seen handing Cody a stack of notes. ‘I didn’t give the police Bentham’s name,’ I said. ‘I didn’t see his face, you see, just that he was tall . . . and balding a bit, so—’
‘It was definitely Bentham,’ Flynn said. ‘But if you didn’t see his face, you can’t identify him. So . . . again, there’s no point going back to the police.’
‘Right.’ I hesitated. ‘Bentham told Cody that he should stop looking for you.’
‘Well, that’s something.’
‘Do you know who this Elmore is that they want to kill?’
‘No,’ Flynn said. ‘Some other gangster, probably.’
‘Has he . . . Cody . . . done hits for Bentham before?’
‘Yes.’ Flynn’s voice was hollow. ‘Listen, Riv, even if you can’t identify him properly Bentham will be furious if he finds out you saw him – which he will if you go to the police and give a full statement. So I’m beggi
ng you not to, for your own safety. It won’t make any difference to what happens. If Bentham wants someone dead, they’ll be dead whether Cody does it or someone else. And right now it’s just Cody who’s seen the CCTV of you. He doesn’t want the boss to know you witnessed their conversation because it shows he messed up. But if Bentham finds out, there’s no way I’d be able to protect you. Bentham’s too powerful.’
I bit my lip.
‘Did you . . . have you . . . done stuff like that for Bentham too?’
‘No, nothing like that.’
I stared at him. ‘But something?’ I persisted. ‘Something illegal?’
‘Yes,’ Flynn groaned. ‘It was stupid of me . . . I did it for Mum. She’d lost one of her jobs and borrowed money from a loan shark, then the interest was ridiculous and she couldn’t pay it back and Siobhan called and told me and it was the same week Bentham offered me a . . . a special job . . .’ He paused. ‘I can’t tell you how much I wish I hadn’t agreed. I just felt so guilty that I had run away and not looked after Mum properly.’
I nodded. There was real pain in Flynn’s eyes. I could totally believe he would have wanted to help his mum. He had always been so protective of her.
‘I should go now,’ Flynn said softly. ‘The last thing we need is your dad catching me here and a whole load of questions and accusations.’ He shifted away from me, letting go of my hand.
I caught it again. ‘Thank you for coming to warn me about Cody,’ I said.
Flynn shook his head. ‘Don’t, Riv, it’s my fault you were even at the Blue Parrot.’
I reached up and stroked his cheek. He leaned into my hand, closing his eyes.
‘I want to stay forever,’ he said, softly. ‘Being with you, wherever you are . . . it’s where I belong.’
I sighed, stroking my fingers down his cheek. ‘Nobody else thinks so. They all think we’re like some toxic couple, doomed, but I don’t want to believe that . . .’
Flynn opened his eyes. ‘Like in Romeo and Juliet, remember? Romeo says, “then I defy you, stars” like he won’t accept everything stacked against him and Juliet.’
‘Right.’ I made a face. ‘Well, that ended well.’
Flynn laughed – a soft, unhappy sigh of a laugh. ‘Oh, River,’ he whispered. ‘I’ve been such an idiot.’
There was a long pause, just the sound of our breathing in the night air. Then Flynn kissed me lightly on the lips – and left.
Light was pouring in through the window when I woke. Flynn was the first thing I thought of, but when I turned my head of course he wasn’t there. He’d said he wouldn’t be far away . . . watching over me.
I buried my face in the pillow. Was it wrong for me to want to be with him? I knew that everyone else would think so, that my parents and my friends would all point out that Flynn had treated me badly in leaving so abruptly and angrily last year, that he had got mixed up with dangerous gangsters – even if he’d just been trying to help his mum at the start and had broken away from them now – and that the last thing I should do was fall back into his arms.
Yet surely the truth was more complicated than that? Anyone who had seen the look in Flynn’s eyes last night would realise he hadn’t stopped loving me. And all he was doing right now was trying to protect me, just like he always had.
I rolled over to the side of the bed. Something glinted on the floor by the door. I sat up, then got out of bed and picked up a tiny iPod with earphones attached. A note had been tied around the earphone wire. It read: these are my River songs – Fx
Intrigued, I pulled the duvet over me and played the songs. They were beautiful, heartfelt tracks, some of which I knew, some of which I didn’t. I listened, swept up in the music and the words. My head might argue against it, but my heart was still Flynn’s. It was hopeless to resist, whatever anyone said. I couldn’t have stopped myself loving him, even if I’d wanted to.
Dad came into my room at about eleven a.m., reminding me we were due to visit little Lily in hospital this morning. I got washed and dressed and joined Dad in his beaten-up car, the iPod still playing Flynn’s River songs into my ears.
I looked around as we set off. There was no sign of Cody, so he clearly hadn’t been able to track me down. Not yet, anyway. Was Flynn here, somewhere out of sight? How could he follow me if I was in Dad’s car? Did he have a car himself? I strained looking out of the window, trying to spot him on the busy road.
There was no sign of him. As Dad, Gemma and I walked inside the hospital I looked around again but I still couldn’t see him.
‘What’s up?’ Dad asked.
‘Nothing,’ I said.
If Flynn was here, he was clearly keeping out of Dad’s sight. Which was a good thing. Dad didn’t need to be stressing about me and Flynn right now.
We made our way up to the baby ward. Lily was awake and looked so much better than when I last visited I couldn’t believe the change. Up until now I’d loved the idea of her more than the reality but when Gemma put her in my arms and she looked up at me with her bright burton eyes, I felt something deep inside me tugging at my emotions.
‘Hello, little sister,’ I murmured.
‘They’re saying she’ll be home in just a few days now,’ Gemma said, her face flushed with excitement.
‘That’s brilliant, love.’ Dad smiled.
I stood back, looking at them both, wondering if I would ever have a family with Flynn, if our lives could ever be as simple and happy as Dad and Gemma’s.
I took a picture of Dad and Gemma with Lily, then Dad took a picture of me with the baby. I immediately made it my phone’s screen saver.
I spent the afternoon doing chores on the commune. Leo joined me as I weeded the vegetable patch. We hadn’t spoken much since our argument. To be honest, I hadn’t thought about Leo at all for days. There was too much else on my mind: what I’d witnessed at the Blue Parrot, whether or not I should go to the police about it, whether Cody was going to find me and hurt me – and if Flynn was somewhere close by right now.
‘You’ve seen him again, haven’t you?’ Leo said as I dug my hoe into the rough, dry earth.
I was so shocked that I almost lost my grip, stumbling sideways over the soil. Leo caught my arm. I looked up, into his blue eyes. I couldn’t bear the hurt in his expression.
‘Why do you think that?’ I mumbled, steadying myself and pulling away.
Leo shrugged. ‘Ever since that wedding you’ve been different,’ he said. ‘Like all your lights had been out and now you’ve seen Flynn they’re on again.’
I gazed past him, across the fields. It was comforting to think Flynn might be nearby, maybe just outside the commune.
‘I’m sorry, Leo,’ I said quietly. ‘I don’t want to talk about Flynn.’
‘Fine,’ he said, turning away and pushing his own hoe into the earth with a violent thrust.
We worked on in silence, and the next day, without either of us discussing it, we sat in different parts of the bus. It was ironic that Leo, who had such a difficult history with Flynn, was the only person to sense that Flynn was back in my life. I hated that he was so upset about it.
I spent the week at college in a daze. I never saw Flynn or had any sense I was being watched. He couldn’t really be looking out for me all day, every day, could he? He certainly wasn’t inside the college or the commune. And he had to sleep. At least there was no sign of Cody. After a few more days of worry I started to feel safe. It still niggled away at me that I should go to the police and give a proper statement about what I’d seen and heard but what was the point? Like Flynn said, I’d already told them everything I could in that phone call.
After a few days, I decided to visit Mum. A visit to London would get me away from the commune, which was presumably the first address Cody would try if he was still looking for me. And it would also give Dad and Gemma a chance to settle in with Lily. She had come home from the hospital on Tuesday and I took turns holding and changing her. She was so sweet, her face like a tiny
bird’s with big brown eyes just like Gemma’s. She slept through the first couple of nights but Thursday was a different story. She seemed to cry off and on all night, waking me each time from what was already a disturbed sleep.
Dad was very apologetic.
‘There’s just not enough space between the bedrooms, River,’ he said. ‘I’ve been wondering what we’ll do when she’s bigger and needs her own room, too.’
It was lovely to have Lily at home but it was also a relief to know that I wouldn’t be woken up all night when I went to Mum’s on Friday evening. Dad drove me into London. Again, I was wondering if Flynn was watching us but, as I got inside the car there was absolutely no sign of him. And then I noticed the corner of the passenger side window. Someone had traced a tiny shape in the dust. I bent down, peering closer. It was a star.
Then I defy you, stars.
It must be Flynn.
So he was watching over me, after all. I straightened up and looked around. I couldn’t see him but he was here, somewhere, just like he’d said.
I smiled, my heart soaring as I got into the car and we set off. Dad got me to Mum’s in record time and the two of us spent an hour or so with Mum and Stone. It was nice, actually, a chance to be a family for a little bit without any pressure or rows. Stone amazed me by actually asking if Gemma and the baby were okay. He hadn’t been to the hospital to visit his little half-sister yet, but Dad was taking him back to the commune for the weekend, while I spent some time with Mum.
After they’d gone, Mum fetched the Thai takeaway menu so we could order in some food.
‘Stone’s changed,’ I said.
‘Yup,’ Mum agreed. ‘So have you.’
‘Have I?’ I looked at her. ‘How?’
‘You seem more sure of yourself,’ she said. ‘I don’t know, maybe it’s just the new baby. It makes me realise how grown-up the pair of you are now.’ She looked sad for a moment.
I cleared my throat. ‘Do you mind, Mum? I mean about Gemma and Dad having a baby?’