Ellie sighed as her feet began to ache.
Wherever she went, stares and whispers would follow her. Today was her wedding day, and yet, all people saw were her scars. Like at any other event, they gossiped behind her back, their prying eyes following her every step.
Oh, how she wished Madeline were not indisposed! If she only hadn’t caught a cold, she would have been a shoulder to lean on.
Standing in line to receive well-wishes and congratulations from their guests, Ellie glanced at her husband. He, too, seemed rather uncomfortable in this sea of spectators, and she thought to see the desperate need to get away in his veiled eyes. However, just like herself, he nodded and smiled, spoke politely and bore the intrusion into his life with a patience she could not help but admire.
Following his example, Ellie did her best to ignore their guests’ inquisitive stares as they glanced back and forth between them, undoubtedly wondering what had persuaded him to marry her. And yet, Ellie felt a stab in her heart every time she saw it, her own already wounded pride suffering again and again.
“I offer you my congratulations,” a familiar voice spoke, and Ellie’s head snapped up.
Her heart hammered in her chest as she found herself staring at the man she had thought to marry so long ago. Why did her mother have to invite him? She cursed, forcing her lips into a tortured smile.
Undoubtedly, Lord Haston knew that he looked as strikingly as ever, his light hair offsetting his dark eyes. The same dark eyes that now swept over her and took in every deficiency in her own appearance.
Ellie felt herself cringe under his gaze, knowing that he, too, wondered why the marquess had married her. After all, what did she have to offer?
“I wish you well, my lady,” he added, his eyes distant all of a sudden as though they had never been more than mere acquaintances.
“I thank you, my lord,” Ellie forced out, hearing her own voice tremble as she spoke. Anger surged through her then, and she had to control herself not to slap him across the face. How dare he belittle her in such a way?
“You are a beautiful bride.”
As her cousin’s caring voice reached her ears, Ellie’s anger vanished immediately, and she turned to look at Rosabel with a heartfelt smile on her face. “I am so glad you could come,” she said, embracing her cousin. “It wouldn’t have been the same without you.”
“We are happy to be here,” Rosabel’s husband agreed, his dark eyes shining with a happiness that Ellie knew had only found him due to his wife’s persistence. Their road had been one of many obstacles as well, and their story gave Ellie the hope she needed to face her own future.
As Rosabel hugged her yet another time, Graham turned to Frederick. From her cousin, El-lie knew that although they were not the closest of friends, they had known each other all their lives. “Congratulations,” she heard him say. “You have chosen wisely. Elsbeth is a rare treasure.”
Ellie’s heart warmed at his kind words, and she hoped that one day her husband would feel the same way. Was it possible? Would she ever be able to win his heart?
“Do not let anyone spoil this day for you,” Rosabel whispered, glancing to her left at Lord Haston’s receding back. “He is not the man you thought him to be. And although they’ve brought you pain,” she added, her gentle gaze travelling over Ellie’s scars, “maybe they are a blessing in disguise. Without their interference, you would have married Lord Haston. However, even with your beauty intact, he would never have been able to love you the way you deserve.” A warm smile lit up her face as she glanced at Frederick. “Maybe everything happened for a reason. Maybe you were always meant for him.”
An indescribable feeling flooded Ellie’s heart then, and she sighed with delight. A deep smile tugged up the corners of her mouth in a way they had not in a long time, and her eyes shone as tears gathered and clung to her lashes. “Thank you,” she whispered, embracing her cousin once more. “What would I do without you?”
“Remember to be patient,” Rosabel implored. “His eyes hold deep pain, but I am certain that behind it, he is hiding a kind heart.”
Ellie nodded. “I will.” She brushed away the tears, reluctantly let go of her cousin’s hand, and with an honest smile on her face, she turned to the next well-wisher.
***
Night had fallen, and still Frederick sat in his chamber, yet another glass of brandy in his hand. The house was silent, slumbering peacefully, while Frederick’s heart beat in his chest, not allowing him a moment of peace.
Again, he downed the contents of his glass, and again, he refilled it.
After yet another hour he had spent sitting in the dark, a sense of detachedness finally spread over him. It began as a slight tingling sensation in his hands and feet, like pins and needles delicately pricking his skin, and then spread into every region of his body. To his relief, his mind did not remain unaffected, and he closed his eyes as a sense of indistinct languor flooded his being. His heart beat relaxed, and he took a deep breath.
Opening his eyes, the moonlight shining in through the window appeared to have lost its brightness as though it had been shrouded in a dark veil. The glass under his fingertips felt no longer cool to the touch, and the cold parquet floor under his bare feet did not freeze his limbs. However, neither did he feel warm. In fact, he felt almost nothing at all.
Taking another deep breath, he finally set down his glass and rose to his feet. On his way to the door connecting his own chamber to that of his new bride, Frederick glanced up and beheld his own reflection in the mirror.
Instantly, he froze in his steps and gaped at the hollow face staring back at him. Dark eyes that he did not recognise as his own fixed him with a penetrating glare.
As he stared, the sense of detachedness slowly began to fade and darkness spread through his heart once more.
Frederick quickly closed his eyes, willing the darkness back into its cell.
For a long moment, he stood on the cold floor, uncertain what to do. He contemplated simply going to sleep but knew that his duty required a different path from him. He shook his head then, knowing that there was no use in prolonging the inevitable.
After all, she was his wife now and had entered the marriage with certain expectations. The least he could do was give her a child. Women wanted to be mothers above all else, did they not? And once he had fathered an heir, he would be free to leave.
Deep down, Frederick knew that his mother thought a wife and children would forever bind him to Elmridge, and a part of him felt guilty for allowing her to believe as she did. However, he knew that should he make his honest intentions known, they would never allow him to leave.
Forcing his eyes to ignore the apparition in the mirror, Frederick approached the door that would ultimately lead him to his freedom.
***
Forcing her trembling limbs to still, Ellie lay in bed waiting. As the candle slowly burned down, shadows danced across the wall, and every now and then, a shiver ran over her. Would he not come to her? She wondered.
Curious about the ways between husband and wife, but nervous nonetheless, Ellie began to gnaw on her lower lip when the door suddenly slid open.
Instantly, her trembling limbs stilled, and she stared at her husband.
Wearing a nightshirt, he stood in the doorway. Darkness engulfed him, and she could scarcely make out his features. His eyes barely saw her before they travelled to the remaining candle, casting a dim glow about her bedchamber.
In two steps, he reached it and extinguished the flame.
Blackness filled the room, and Ellie froze as her heart hammered in her chest.
Robbed of her sight, she strained her ears, listening to the dull thud of his footsteps as he approached the bed. Then the mattress shifted as he lowered his weight upon it, and Ellie’s hands curled around the bed cloth.
Why did he not say anything? She wondered, staring into the darkness. Deep down, she knew him to be a kind and caring man, a man she had always felt attracted to and a man with whom she
was more than eager to share the intimacies of the marriage bed. However, in that moment, he was all but a stranger. A stranger who wouldn’t even look at her. A stranger who refused to let her see him.
If she could not see his eyes, how would she know how he felt? Had he approved of his mother’s choice? Or was he disappointed? Did her scars repulse him? Was that why he had extinguished what little light had remained? So that he wouldn’t have to look at her?
“My lord?” she whispered into the dark, but no reply came.
Then she felt a tug on the bedding as he slid beneath the blanket, and the warmth radiating from his body rose goose bumps on her chilled skin.
“Frederick?” she tried once more, but he remained silent.
He slid closer, though, and his body touched hers.
Ellie gasped.
Then he rolled over, and she felt him hovering above her as he carried his weight on his knees and lower arms. His warm breath brushed over her cheek, and a tingle ran down her spine.
Inexperienced as she was, Ellie could tell from the way he moved that he tried to touch her as little as possible, and she couldn’t help but wonder whether he did so because he wanted to be considerate of her feelings or his own.
Would he kiss her? She wondered, lying in the dark waiting.
He didn’t, and Ellie soon learnt that the mystery of the marriage bed held rather disappointment than pleasure for her. Regret filled her heart at the distance he forced between them; not merely the physical distance but more acutely the emotional one.
He would not touch her beyond what was necessary, neither with his body nor with his soul. After consummating their marriage, he simply slid from the bed and vanished without saying a single word.
Still staring into the darkness, Ellie curled up into a ball and cried. Despite knowing better, she had allowed herself to hope, and now, her foolish hopes had been dashed. He did not care for her−she knew that now−and yet, he was her husband.
Patience. Rosabel’s voice echoed in her head, and despite her own misery, Ellie realised that she had expected too much of him that night. Frederick was a broken man. Even if he wanted to, he could not take the first step. It would be up to her to find a way to him.
If only she knew how.
Chapter Fourteen − Shared Tears
Staring at her reflection in the vanity mirror, Ellie took a deep breath. This was it. She was a marchioness now and the mistress of this household; more importantly, she was Frederick’s wife. How her life had changed in one night!
As her maid pinned up her hair, humming a cheerful melody as she worked, Ellie swallowed, and her eyes slid over the red scars that had brought her here to this house to this life. In her heart, Ellie wanted to believe that Rosabel was right, that she was meant to be Frederick’s wife. And yet, doubt sneaked into her heart as well, and she desperately wished to know how her husband felt about her appearance.
In the beginning, Ellie had mourned her beauty just like her mother. However, at some point, she had realised that a life of regret wasn’t a life worth living; and Ellie wanted to live. Even if her initial dreams and hopes for the future had been dashed, she still wanted to enjoy her days on this earth.
Still, her scars reminded her daily that life had changed, that now people saw her differently and met her with pity or even disgust, most of the time only thinly veiled by forced politeness.
“Done, my lady,” Betty trilled, stepping back. “Is there anything else you require?”
Ellie rose from her chair and turned to the young maid. “No, that is all. Thank you so much, Betty. This truly looks wonderful.” Turning before the mirror, Ellie examined her maid’s handiwork. While the back of her hair had been piled on top of her head, strands in the front had been forced into corkscrew curls that danced down from her temples on both sides; on the left rather effectively hiding most of her scars.
“You’re welcome, my lady,” Betty beamed, a deep smile lifting the corners of her mouth.
Leaving her bedchamber, Ellie smiled when another cheerful melody reached her ears. Yes! She thought. We should all be happier!
As new determination grew in her heart, Ellie descended the staircase and headed toward the breakfast parlour. Unfortunately, upon entering, her own good mood received a serious dampener when she was met by rather solemn faces.
Although her parents looked rather delighted with the situation in general, her new family appeared rather out of sorts. While Mathilda was absent, both Theresa and Maryann had dark circles under their eyes, their faces haggard and exhausted as though they had not slept at all the night before. Frederick, too, looked far from cheerful; however, the detached expression Ellie found on his face rather spoke of annoyance than exhaustion.
When they all sat down to breakfast, Ellie carefully glanced around the parlour, her eyes flitting from one to another. Her parents seemed oblivious to the general melancholy that hung about the room and cheerfully complimented their hosts on their exquisite taste with regard to anything that caught their attention. Occasionally, Theresa would smile and comment; however, she seemed rather monosyllabic this morning. Ellie wondered what was wrong.
Taking another bite from her muffin, Ellie shifted her gaze to her husband. From under her eyelashes, she looked at him, wondering how they would meet after the previous night. Although their encounter had been brief, Ellie now felt a deeper connection to him and hoped that they would have a chance to get to know each other in the days to come.
When she reached for her teacup, Frederick looked up, and she felt his eyes on her. Although feeling slightly unsettled, Ellie raised her gaze to his.
“I trust you slept well, my lady,” he said, and although he did not avert his eyes, neither did he look at her in a way that led her to believe she truly had his attention.
“Yes, quite well, my lord.” Returning her cup to its saucer, Ellie kept her gaze on him. “And you as well, my lord?”
“Indeed,” he said, and yet, for a brief moment, his eyes flickered to his plate before returning to hers, and Ellie thought to detect a slight tremble in his rather tensed jaw. However, then he cleared his throat and seemed back in control. “Business will keep me occupied today. However, I trust that my mother and sister-in-law will keep you good company.”
Ellie’s heart sank. “Will you not be joining us, my lord?”
“I’m afraid I cannot,” he said before he returned his attention to the footman, gesturing for him to remove his plate. Apparently, he considered their conversation to have come to an end.
After breakfast, Ellie bade her parents and siblings goodbye and wished them a safe journey home. A part of her was sad to see them go while another rejoiced at the opportunity to settle into her new life without her mother’s reproachful eyes on her.
As she watched their carriage disappear from view, Ellie sighed, a smile curling up her lips. Then she turned around and found Theresa standing behind her.
Slightly startled, she clutched a hand to her chest. “I’m sorry, I did not see you there.”
A smile on her face, Theresa waved her concerns away. “I should have made my presence known. I apologise. I had no intention of intruding on your farewell.” She took Ellie by the arm and led her to the front drawing room. “It is never easy for parents to part with their children.” Leaning closer, she whispered, “I have to confess I was always glad I only had boys, hoping that they would stay closer to home.” She chuckled, but sadness clung to her eyes. “I suppose, once they had outgrown their childhood years, I was not prepared to lose them. I did not see it coming.”
Ellie squeezed Theresa’s hand. “How could you? What happened was a tragedy!”
“It was,” Theresa nodded, then closed her eyes for a brief moment and took a deep breath. “Well, what was was. It is no use crying over spilled milk.” She turned to Ellie and gestured for her to sit. “May I ask a favour of you? I know I am terribly rude considering this is your first day here at Elmridge, but I am at my wits’ end.” r />
“No, not at all,” Ellie said, gently placing a hand on Theresa’s as they lay folded in her lap. “I am happy to help. If there is anything I can do, please do not hesitate to ask.”
Some of the tension left Theresa’s shoulders, and she took a deep breath. “These days, I feel life is only filled with worry.” She shook her head. “I worry about my son, my granddaughter and my daughter-in-law. Some days, the sadness that rests on this house is unbearable.”
“What can I do?” Ellie whispered. She knew she was a stranger, and yet, these people were her family now.
“It is Maryann,” Theresa whispered. “My son’s passing broke her heart. Almost every night, she has nightmares, and sometimes she even wakes up screaming and kicking, then curls up into a ball and weeps.” For a moment, Theresa closed her eyes, and a shiver shook her small frame at the memory. “Last night was one of those nights that particularly torment her. I go to her, and I hold her, but I don’t know what else to do. Right now, I don’t have the strength.”
On impulse, Ellie wrapped her arms around her mother-in-law, and she rested her head against Ellie’s shoulder as though they had known each other for years. “I will go to her,” Ellie whispered against the woman’s greying hair. “Do not worry. Go upstairs and get some rest. I will take care of her.”
“Thank you,” Theresa breathed, and for a moment, Ellie thought she had already fallen asleep.
After seeing her mother-in-law to her chambers, Ellie went in search of Maryann. As she entered the back parlour, she found the woman standing by the tall windows, staring into the distance. Her posture spoke of a crushed soul as though she barely had the strength to keep herself upright.
Approaching her, Ellie spoke softly, careful not to startle her. “Maryann? Shall we take a turn about the garden? It is such a beautiful day.”
Slowly, her sister-in-law moved her gaze from the horizon and looked at her with eyes that seemed as distant as Frederick’s. Seeing her desire to be left alone, Ellie took Maryann by the arm and led her outside before she could turn down her offer.