The sun shone brightly, warming the earth, and birds chirped in the trees bordering the gar-dens to the west. A small fountain trickled in the centre, encircled by tall-standing hedges casting a welcoming shade over intricately carved benches.
Stepping down from the terrace, Ellie held Maryann’s arm tightly in her own, softly squeezing the woman’s hand. “I haven’t really had a chance to speak with you, yet,” Ellie began. “I wanted to thank you for your warm welcome. I already feel quite at home here.”
A shy smile came to Maryann’s features as she glanced over to Ellie. “I am sorry. I suppose my welcome was lacking quite a bit.”
Ellie shook her head. “Do not worry yourself. I understand it must have been hard for you to see a wedding at Elmridge so soon after your husband’s passing.” From her own experience, Ellie knew that loss only got worse when it was left to fester. In order to find her smile again, Maryann needed to face the pain and speak about her husband and what losing him had done to her.
As expected a heart-breaking sigh rose from Maryann’s throat. “It brought back so many memories.”
“Did you get married here, too?”
Maryann nodded, and a slight gleam came to her eyes. As they walked the labyrinth, Ellie listened as her new sister-in-law spoke of her husband, of their wedding, Mathilda’s birth, their life together and the one day it had all come to an end. Again and again, tears came to Maryann’s eyes. Sometimes they would spill over and quietly run down her cheeks, and sometimes she would break down in heaving sobs and Ellie would hold her as she wept.
“I never truly met him,” Ellie admitted as they sat side by side on a bench by the fountain. “But from the few times I saw him, I thought he had kind eyes, compassionate eyes. He was a family man, was he not?”
Maryann nodded, dabbing a wet handkerchief at her swollen eyes. “He loved Mathilda. I know, many men do not know what to do with their daughters, but Leopold would sit and play with her for hours.” A deep smile came to her face as fresh tears ran down her cheeks. “During the summer, we often went outside with a big picnic basket and spent the whole day by the lake.”
“The lake?”
“Yes, there is a lake about a half-an-hour's ride from here. We would usually take the carriage and play games along the way.” Maryann closed her eyes, then opened them again and shook her head. “It makes me so sad that Mathilda will never have that again.” She glanced at Ellie. “I haven’t been a good mother to her lately. She only just lost her father, and now, I’m…I just can’t…”
Ellie took Maryann’s hands, squeezing them gently. “You’re not a bad mother. Don’t ever think that. Mathilda loves you.”
“But she is in pain, too, and I can’t help her. All I do is cry…all day.” She swallowed. “I try to keep my distance so that she won’t see, but I think she knows.”
Ellie nodded. “She does.” Maryann’s eyes went wide, and she buried them in her hands. “No, don’t,” Ellie interrupted, pulling Maryann’s hands off her face. “Don’t hide your tears. Although I have not seen Mathilda cry, I am sure she does. She tries to be strong because she believes you need her to be, but deep down, she mourns her father just as much as you do.”
“I always knew that,” Maryann confessed. “But I don’t know what to do.”
“Share your pain,” Ellie said, her own heart heavy at the sight of such loss. “You cry alone, and she cries alone. Maybe you should stop pretending that either one of you is fine. Share your pain, and share your tears.”
A hint of hope shone in Maryann’s eyes as she looked up at Ellie through a curtain of tears. “Do you not think it would hurt her more?”
Ellie shook her head. “I think it would help her.” She squeezed Maryann’s hand, and the woman smiled at her. “You know, it is truly beautiful out here. Maybe you should not break with tradition and still go see the lake this year.” Ellie knew their wounds would only heal over time if they were tended to, and if they did not start now, precious time would be lost.
Maryann’s eyes went wide before a flicker of understanding came to them.
“I think it would be a good place to remember her father.”
A deep smile on her face, Maryann hugged her.
Chapter Fifteen – Shared Pain
Sitting at his desk, Frederick stared at the papers before him. As much as he tried to concentrate, his thoughts would constantly stray to the previous night.
Everything had worked out as he had hoped. He had consummated his marriage, and yet, he had kept his distance. He remembered how she had called his name, and a hint of guilt surfaced at having ignored her so completely.
At the same time, he knew that if he had acknowledged her presence, he would not have been able to keep himself separate from the emotions that he could still feel lurking beneath the surface.
With a clenched jaw, Frederick nodded his head, determined to continue as planned. He would share his wife’s bed, but he did not want to know who she was or communicate beyond nor-mal pleasantries. What was the point? After all, he had no intention of staying longer than was necessary for her to conceive an heir.
Glancing down at yet another social function he had received an invitation to, Frederick sighed. He did not remember being in such high demand before going off to war or before becoming the marquess. However, it didn’t matter which aspect had sported this newest invitation, neither one shed a favourable light on him as a person. Aside from his family, did anyone truly know him? Did anyone care to?
Oliver did. Frederick knew that. And yet, neither he nor his family could possibly understand how his life had changed, and he didn’t know how to make them understand. And so he avoided them, separated himself from them and pretended everything was fine.
So far everything had worked well. Soon, he would be free to leave.
Rising from his chair, Frederick walked around the room, feeling the need to move in his trembling legs. Never before had he spent this much time sitting in a chair, tied to a desk. His shoulders felt tense, and a dull pain settled in his lower back.
Stretching his limbs, Frederick walked over to the window. The weather was perfect. The sun was shining, not a cloud in sight, and yet, the temperatures had not yet climbed so high that any form of exercise would be ill-advised.
Yes! He needed to get out, out of this house and away from all these people, who looked at him with sad, yet hopeful eyes.
A hard ride across the fields would do him good. It would chase away the nagging guilt that encroached on his heart every time his mind was unoccupied. It would give his limbs something to do, something to feel instead of the numbing ache of past injuries. And it would allow his mind to pretend that life was simple, simple enough for him to climb on a horse and leave. For good.
If only.
As his eyes returned from the distant horizon, they found two figures sitting on one of the benches by the fountain. Squinting his eyes, Frederick recognised his sister-in-law and to his surprise his wife.
Their heads bowed toward each other as they sat close together; Maryann’s left hand wrapped in both of Elsbeth’s. Their lips moved, and Frederick couldn’t help but wonder what they were talking about. As he looked closer, a jolt went through him when Maryann suddenly buried her face in her hands, weeping openly.
Never had he seen his brother’s widow display such emotion. A dark cloud had always hung about her since that one fateful day. However, she had rarely shown her grief openly in such a loud manner. At least not since the day her husband had died.
In the next moment, Frederick was even more stumped when his wife pulled Maryann into her arms, gently rocking her as though soothing a young child.
Frederick swallowed. Maybe his mother had been right. Unlike himself, Elsbeth seemed to know exactly what his family needed. A marchioness not even a day, and she was already healing his family’s wounds. His mother had indeed chosen well.
From the corner of his eye, Frederick caught a movement.
Hidin
g behind a large bush, Mathilda cowered, her dress once more ripped beyond repair. As she stood bent forward, peering at her mother and new aunt from her hiding place, her little hands came up, and she wiped her eyes. Tears sparkled on her cheeks, and Frederick wondered what else the child had witnessed without anyone noticing.
***
Within the next few days, a routine developed that allowed Ellie to find her place within the family. While her husband was otherwise occupied, she mostly spent her mornings with Maryann strolling the gardens. At first, their only topic was Maryann’s grief over her husband’s death, but occasionally Ellie noticed that it helped her new friend to learn of her worries as well and give advice herself.
“He hardly looks at me,” Ellie said, once more feeling defeated. Her days were marked by ups and downs, moments of confidence and those of doubt. “Sometimes I feel like he looks right through me.”
Maryann nodded. “He looks at all of us this way,” she reminded Ellie. “Do not feel bad. He needs time. Two nights after he returned, Leopold…,” she took a deep breath, “…he told me that Frederick was a mere shadow of himself. It scared him to see his brother so miserable, and he didn’t know how to help him.”
Stopping in her tracks, Ellie turned to her friend. “Neither do I. But how can I even try if he refuses to spend any time in my company?”
A careful smile played on Maryann’s lips as her eyes swept Ellie’s face. “You truly like him, do you not?” Ellie blushed. “I only ask because from what Theresa said, I thought it was not a love match.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Ellie admitted, unsure what to say. At the moment, she was rather uncertain about her own feelings. “All I know is that I do like him, and I hope that somehow he will find his way out of the dark.”
“As do I,” Maryann said. “But I do not know what to tell you. The only one who got through to him…well, at least a little, I suppose…was his friend Oliver.”
“Oliver Cornell?” Ellie asked, remembering that hot summer day many years ago.
Maryann nodded. “He was at the wedding. Do you know him?”
“Not really.”
“Well, shortly after Frederick had returned, he came for a visit. I don’t really know what happened, but after his visit, Frederick seemed different. Less cold and detached, and yet, more hopeless. As though he had just realised that life held nothing for him anymore. At least, nothing good. Leopold was very concerned.”
Ellie sighed. From Frederick’s own behaviour as well as the bits and pieces his family had provided, Ellie knew that her hopes did not hold a bright future.
She was his wife, and yet, she hardly saw him. They even lived in the same house, but the only time he allowed her within his presence was when he visited her chamber at night. Although Ellie had hoped that he would warm to the idea of sharing her bed, the distance between them seemed even greater now than it had on their first night together. Sometimes Ellie thought that he might feel something for her. However, in the next moment, he would pull away with such desperate force as though he feared his feelings would destroy him should he allow them to surface.
What had he suffered that he felt the need to raise such an insurmountable shield around himself? And even keep his own wife out?
Chapter Sixteen – A Garden Party
After years of hoping for a child, the Earl of Drenton and his wife had finally been blessed with a healthy baby boy. Overjoyed, they felt the need to celebrate their happiness with their friends and neighbours mere weeks after the child had been born. Since it was a pleasant summer, a garden party was arranged and invitations sent. One such invitation found its way to Elmridge.
Frederick groaned in agony as he received it. However, since he had weaselled his way out of the last three events, he knew that he could not escape this one. After all, the earl and his wife were long-standing friends.
And so before he could change his mind, Frederick found himself walking down the hall to the front drawing room. This time of day, the ladies of the house generally enjoyed a little refreshment in the west-facing parlour.
Upon entering, three sets of eyes turned to him, and he swallowed. While not completely at ease in anyone’s company, Frederick at least felt more or less comfortable in his mother’s as well as Maryann’s presence. His wife, however, unsettled him every time he laid eyes on her.
Why? He did not know, but her deep blue eyes always looked at him as though they could see right through him, as though she could tell by a simple look what he was thinking. At night, when he visited her bedchamber, the dark wrapped him in a safe cocoon. She could not see him then, and neither could her eyes unsettle his resolve.
During the day, however, he felt as though he was at her mercy.
Frederick cleared his throat while keeping his eyes fixed on the card in his hand. “We have received another invitation.” Quickly, he related the details, and as expected, his mother’s face immediately took on a delighted glow.
“I am so happy for them,” she said. “I know what a strain it has been on them to wish for a child so dearly and not be blessed with one.”
Maryann nodded. “I am so glad I have Mathilda.” Her voice caught slightly as she went on. “Without her, I probably wouldn’t have survived Leopold’s death.”
Although she remained silent, Elsbeth rose from her seat by the window and sat down next to Maryann. Her hand brushed over Maryann’s arm and then came to rest on her slightly clenched hands.
As though transfixed, Frederick stared at her, his eyes following her every movement.
Until his mother cleared her throat.
Instantly, his head snapped up. “Well, I thought to send a quick note with our congratulations,” he said, suddenly terrified by the thought of spending a whole afternoon in his wife’s company, “and explain that we are still in mourning.”
His mother glanced at Elsbeth before returning her sharp eyes to him and shook her head. “Maryann and I are in mourning. However, you and Elsbeth should attend. Although we will surely miss her,” she said, a doting smile playing on her lips as she looked at his wife, “a young wife needs to get out of the house every now and then.” Her eyes narrowed as she turned back to him. “As do you, my son.”
Hesitating only for a moment, Frederick nodded. “As you wish, Mother.” Then he bowed to the ladies and departed quickly.
***
Knowing that Theresa meant well, Ellie tried to calm her rattled nerves. For days, she had tried to hint to her mother-in-law that she did not wish to go out; however, it had been to no avail. Theresa was determined to give her new daughter-in-law a little time away from the family, alone with her husband.
Alone with her husband? Ellie mused, meeting her own eyes in the vanity mirror. If only they would be alone. On the contrary, a large number of guests was expected. The Season in Lon-don was drawing to a close, and many friends and neighbours had decided to return to the country early in order to celebrate with the earl and his wife.
“Are you cold, my lady?” Betty asked, glancing down at Ellie’s trembling hands. Her own hung in mid-air, a strand of her mistress’ blond tresses dangling from them.
“No, I’m fine,” Ellie assured her, desperately trying to shake the apprehension that settled in the pit of her stomach like a rock. Looking up, she met her maid’s eyes and managed an encouraging smile. “Really, I am fine. It is just nerves.”
Betty nodded knowingly and returned to fixing Ellie’s hair. “Do not worry yourself, my lady. I am certain everyone will receive you kindly.”
Ellie sighed. That was the problem. They were always kind. They were always concerned for her. They never gave her a tangible reason to be upset − which was all the more upsetting. Ellie had never enjoyed being the object of others’ pity, and now, it was all she was.
Once again wishing that she could simply stay home, Ellie stopped when her thoughts were interrupted by a sweet melody drifting to her ears. Looking up, she saw Betty’s face in the mirror, her eyes had a drea
m-like expression and a lovely smile played on her lips as she hummed under her breath. Her hands worked without conscious thought, once again pinning Ellie’s hair up and leaving only a few tendrils to fall from her temples.
A smile came to Ellie’s face as she watched her. “You seem happy.”
Betty flinched, and her features tensed. She met Ellie’s eyes in the mirror, and a hand clamped over her mouth. “I’m so sorry, my lady. I didn’t mean to get distracted.”
“Do not worry yourself,” Ellie assured her. Rising to her feet, she took Betty’s hands in hers and looked at her with a deep smile on her face. “I am glad you are happy. Cherish it, not all of us are this lucky.”
A shy smile came to Betty’s face, and she averted her eyes just as a slight blush came to her cheeks. “Thank you, my lady,” she whispered and then took her leave.
Ellie took a deep breath. If only she could be this happy! Whoever had put that smile on Betty’s face, Ellie hoped that he was worthy of her maid’s tender heart. She sighed and left her chamber.
Twenty minutes later, Ellie was trapped in a moving carriage with only her husband for company. Sitting diagonally from the other, both sat at the far right end as close to the window as the bench would allow. With nothing to say, they both stared at the moving landscape passing by outside.
Inwardly, Ellie moaned.
In the beginning, she had asked a few noncommittal questions, to which her husband had found equally noncommittal answers, most of which had been monosyllabic. All the while, his gaze had been focused out the window, and a scowl had decorated his otherwise handsome features.
When Ellie finally remained quiet, he seemed to relax.
Disappointed, Ellie watched the earl’s estate come into view. How she had wished for some time alone with her husband! However, without the company of others, who allowed them to converse only in a more distant fashion, he seemed unable to speak to her. What was he afraid of? She wondered. Were they doomed only to exchange unimportant pleasantries for the rest of their lives?