“No?” Jason finally looked at her again, his anguish replaced by concern.
She managed to relax enough to say more. “No. I wasn’t trying any spell. Why would I have been? I wasn’t trying any spell, and I blacked out, and I talked and acted normal, but I have no idea what happened between the time I was sitting in that chair downstairs and when I yelled at you.”
“Kira, this is scary.”
“Really? Really? Do you think I don’t know that?”
“Sorry,” Jason muttered, looking away again. “That was a stupid thing to say.”
“No, I’m sorry,” Kira said, getting a grip on her temper. “I’m not really angry. I’m scared. Why did I black out?”
“Maybe because… you didn’t really want to,” Jason mumbled, looking away.
She tried to focus on him, on how Jason must be feeling. Somehow that made it easier to handle her own fears. “I do want you.”
“Then why did you freak when you woke up?”
“Because… blazes, Jason, one moment I was sitting in a chair talking to you and the next moment I was in bed with you going at it hot and heavy! How would you react?”
He glowered at the bed. “I guess I’d be pretty shaken up.”
“I wasn’t afraid of you, Jason. I was afraid of what had happened.” Kira over came a reluctance she knew wasn’t fair to him, moving closer and reaching out to him. “Just hold me, okay?”
“Okay,” he said, a small smile appearing. “You said that on purpose, didn’t you?”
“Yes.” She leaned against him, grateful for the comfort of Jason’s arms about her. “What are we going to do?”
“Maybe your parents—”
“We can’t tell them, Jason. Not Mother and not Father. If they know, they won’t let me go to Altis with you. And I need to go to Altis with you.” Here, now, his arms about her, she felt that stronger then ever. “Somehow you’re part of the answer, and going on that trip with you is part of the answer.”
“Kira… ” Jason’s voice grew strained. “What if you black out during that trip when it’s really dangerous?”
What if she did? What if she awoke to discover herself in a far worse situation than tonight? She had no idea what had triggered this blackout. She had no idea what was going on in her head to cause this.
Kira stared into space, thinking, imagining the worst, and slowly coming to realize that if she stayed here that was all she’d be doing. Imagining the worst, trapped here, waiting for the next black out. There weren’t any answers here.
Perhaps the worst she could imagine was sitting here, waiting for it to happen again, unable to learn what was wrong and what might help. Her parents needed to keep an eye on things at Pacta. Jason needed to go to Altis. And she needed to go with Jason. That sureity slowly emerged and gave her some sense of security.
“What if I’m here without you and black out again when it’s really dangerous?” Kira finally said as she leaned her head on his shoulder. “I’m safer with you around. I know that.”
“Thanks.” His arm on her tightened a bit. “We’ll beat this, Kira. It’ll be okay.”
“Not a word to my parents.”
“Kira, we have to tell them. You can’t keep this a secret.”
She started to utter another objection, but realized that Jason was right. “All right. I’ll tell Mother.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yes. I promise.” Kira got up, feeling uncertain. “We could try again. Right now.”
“Who’s asking me that?” Jason said.
“You have no way of knowing, do you?”
“And unless I do, I’m not going to run the risk of hurting you.”
Feeling a mix of affection and remorse, she leaned over to kiss him. “I made a really good choice of a man.”
* * *
She put if off, of course. Mari and Alain finally got back close to noon, and then there were details to share of the now-much-more-complicated trip to Altis. At dinner Jason gave a questioning look but Kira shook her head.
But as night fell she went to the front room, where her mother was sitting at her desk. As Kira came in, she saw Mari gazing fixedly at a small fire in the fireplace. “Mother?”
Mari looked at her with a distant gaze that took a moment to resolve into recognition. “Oh, hi, Kira. Sorry. I was… ”
“There again?” Kira asked as she sat down in the chair beside the desk.
“Yeah,” her mother admitted. “Fires… for a while after Dorcastle I had trouble with fires.” She paused, looking back at the flames. “Retreating from one wall to the next. The Imperials had launched fireballs into the buildings behind us. As we fell back, everything was burning, bright flames all around… ” Another pause, Mari staring at the fire. “Blood stays dark. No matter how strong the flames, their light couldn’t penetrate the blood in the streets. The pools of blood were always dark. But when blood gets on you, on your hands, your clothes, it’s bright red.”
“I know,” Kira murmured, remembering her own battles.
Her mother looked over at Kira, the light of the fire reflected in her eyes. “Yes, you do. I guess that’s why I can talk about it with you now.”
“I used to like wearing something red occasionally. I don’t anymore. I can’t wear red,” Kira admitted. “It reminds me of Jason’s blood on my hands.”
“You might have noticed there’s not a lot of red in this house,” Mari said. “I still like the scarlet uniforms of the Confederation. Those speak to me of friends and defenders. But any other time I see red it bothers me.”
“Why do people do it, Mother? I understand defending yourself. Defending your home and your family. But why do other people attack?”
“I don’t know. Why did the legions attack? They had orders, but why did those men and women charge the walls again and again? Pride? Loyalty to their friends? Loyalty to their ruler? I don’t understand it. I never have.” Mari’s gaze returned to the fire. “There’s one… he was coming up a ladder, so close to me, and I was mad with grief at the death of your namesake a few moments before and I put my pistol in his face and he had time to know he was doomed before I pulled the trigger. I could see it. I didn’t feel it, then. I couldn’t feel anything in that moment. But that face… ”
“I know,” Kira said once more, feeling the pain her mother usually kept hidden, and seeing images of brief glimpses of faces in her own memories. “They don’t go away, do they?”
“No, the faces don’t go away. They stay with you, always.” Mari sighed. “I’m sure you didn’t come in here to talk about that.” Mari rubbed her eyes, then focused on Kira. “What is it? Questions about the trip?”
“Um… ” Kira hesitated. “What did Father mean when he said you two couldn’t come with us? I thought you both had decided you shouldn’t, because of the baby.”
Mari made a face. “If things were normal, we’d be doing this differently. But normal isn’t exactly a good word for this family, is it? Yes, we don’t want to risk harm to the child. But your father also had a vision. His foresight warned that if he was not in Pacta, that bomb might be set off.”
Kira felt a chill inside as she remembered the bright flash of light in her own vision. “Might be? It’s not certain?”
“He was in the vision. It’s a might-be. But he and I are going to stay here and make sure no one gets close enough to that buried whatever-it-is to set off that bomb.”
“But if you fail—" Kira began.
“We know what might happen if your father does leave. We’re going to guard that buried place, and Pacta. Hopefully you’ll get answers from Urth and we can neutralize the threat of that facility for good, while also ensuring our little guy doesn’t get hurt.”
“So, this way if you have a gun fight or a running battle or something you’ll be doing it close to home,” Kira said.
Her mother smiled. “Right. And I have to admit I could do without an ocean voyage at the moment. I’m having enough trouble as it is som
e mornings, keeping food down.” The smile was replaced by a serious expression. “I need to tell you something else I’ve decided. You’ve called yourself the daughter of the daughter. I’m taking you at your word. On this trip, you’ll officially be my representative, Kira. With the authority to act on behalf of the daughter of Jules. Messages have already gone out advising other countries of that. I need to give you that authority, that power, in case you need it. And after all that’s happened, I’m sure I can trust you not to misuse it.”
“Of course you can.” Kira frowned at Mari, rattled by the thought of the responsibility. “Why do you think I’ll need that power? Altis and the Confederation should do what we need as long as I’m reasonable, right? And the librarians are old friends of yours.”
Her mother didn’t answer for a little while, her eyes on the desk before her. Finally, Mari looked at Kira. “Old friends can sometimes change, Kira.”
“Change? Are the librarians doing something bad?” The idea seemed preposterous.
Her mother rubbed her forehead unhappily. “Kira, I haven’t been able to get to Altis personally for a long time. I’m hearing reports that the librarians are being more and more restrictive about access to their materials. There’s growing unhappiness, and a growing sentiment that the librarians have no right to monopolize what they have. Keep an eye out while you’re there and let me know what you see.”
“Why haven’t you gone to check on it in person?” Kira asked.
“There have been a few incidents occupying my time. Including a few involving my own daughter. That’s one reason. The other is because I’m the daughter of Jules. The moment I show up, everything revolves around making sure I only see what those in charge want me to see. I want to find out how they treat you. Yes, you’re my daughter, but they know you. Or, they know the you from years ago. That’s who the librarians will expect to show up.”
“Just a kid, huh? Self-absorbed, sorry-for-herself Kira? Not someone to put on a special show for?” Kira nodded, eyeing her mother. “What else is there? There’s something else about the librarians you’re not saying.”
“I never should have let your father teach you how to read people so well,” Mari mock-complained. “Coleen lied to me about what’s under Pacta Servanda. She’s still holding back. I understand her reasons. I know that the librarians survived for centuries only by keeping themselves and what they knew secret. That hasn’t been necessary since the fall of the Great Guilds. But I’m getting a growing feeling that the librarians are reverting back to that, becoming secretive.”
“Secretive? They love showing off their stuff.” Kira paused and thought. “Well, they used to. Do you remember the last time I was there I complained that they stopped letting me have free run of the tower? And it wasn’t just me.”
“I didn’t pay as much attention to that as I should have,” Mari said. “Thinking it was just my girl being her unhappy, difficult, teenage self.”
“Yeah, that was me,” Kira admitted.
“But now there’s this problem in Pacta. Kira, everything I know about what Urth is saying in its messages comes through the librarians. Other people are supposedly being allowed to talk to Urth, but I’m having an increasingly hard time finding those people. And Urth… ”
“I know you’re angry at Urth. You have every right to be.”
“Yeah.” Mari glared at the night sky visible through the nearest window. “Our brothers and sisters. And they tell us nothing. We got a little at first, but then even that stopped. Just meaningless assurances that they’re considering our requests. We used to be able to hear Urth talking to the other colonies, but that ceased, as if they shifted everyone else to another frequency, or whatever it is the Feynman unit uses.”
“Are they all like Jason’s mother and father?” Kira wondered.
“Jason says they’re not. He thinks a lot of it is misguided attempts to ‘protect’ us. Good intentions. Kira, you’d be amazed how many people think good intentions are an all-purpose excuse for anything they do.”
“Jason will talk to Urth,” Kira said. “Maybe they’ll listen to him.”
“Let’s hope. I’m counting on you two to get this done. And it might do you both some good to get away for a little while on a trip that isn’t about you two being chased all over the place.” Mari gave her an appraising look. “How are things? You and Jason have seemed awkward today. Did anything go wrong?”
Kira looked her mother in the eyes. “Yes.”
“Oh. Inexperience or… ?”
“I blacked out. No spell. I just blacked out. I said yes to Jason and everything while blacked out and came to myself in bed with him. We knew we had to tell you. That’s why I came in here.”
Mari didn’t say anything for perhaps a minute. “You still think that you should go with him?”
“Yes.”
“To protect him?” Her mother paused again for a long moment. “Your father has had more visions of you.”
“What has he seen?” Kira asked, feeling her insides knot with tension.
“The usual. Because of your dual nature as a Mechanic and a Mage, there are too many possible outcomes to figure out which will occur. But he says the visions with Jason in them along with you offer hope. The visions where you’re alone… are in some cases so bad he wouldn’t describe them to me.”
“Oh.” She couldn’t think of anything else to say, couldn’t think of how she was supposed to feel at hearing it.
“Kira, the point here is that staying with Jason may be the only thing that protects you,” Mari said. “Somehow he makes a difference in the outcomes if he’s with you. Just as having your father with me saved me more times than I can count.”
Having expected a knock-down, drag-out fight over the trip, Kira found herself staring at her mother. “So you’re still fine with me going with Jason? You’re not going to lock me in my room?”
“We’re not going to try,” Mari said. “The last person who tried locking you in a room didn’t come out of it very well, did he? Yes, you’re still going with Jason.”
“Thank you.” Kira felt like laughing as relief flooded her.
Her mother paused again, watching Kira. “You know what I want to do? Hold you in my arms, safe, and never let you go. Someday, if you have children of your own, you’ll know what I mean. You’ll see them go off to school for the first time, ride a horse for the first time, grow, fall in love, and grow away from you. And you have to let them do it. There’s no joy like the joy of holding your child, and no pain like the pain of letting them go, and no pride like the pride of seeing them do well on their own.”
“You really think I can handle it?” Kira said. “Because I’m having some doubts about myself.”
“That’s because you’re smart. You have to be smart enough to second-guess yourself, and brave enough to follow through once you’re sure what has to be done. Kira, when I was your age, and for some years after that, there were always plenty of people telling me that I should not be making the decisions I was making, that I should listen to my elders and do exactly what they said and not rock the boat by trying to decide things for myself. And I did make mistakes, some of which nearly ended up killing your father and I. But on the whole I think I made good decisions by using my head but also by following my gut instinct and my heart.”
Mari paused, smiling at Kira. “And the decision I made that was most important, that literally changed the world, was to ignore every common-sense argument that told me not to talk to your father, not to get to know him, and to sever all ties with him. I followed my gut. I listened to that something inside, I went to your father, and I’ve never regretted that. Your gut tells you that Jason needs you, and that you need Jason to solve the problem of the blackouts. I trust that. You should, too. Just come back safely to us.”
Kira did laugh this time. “Oh, all right! I guess I can come back safe if you insist on it. You’re always pressuring me!”
“That’s because I’m such an
awful mother,” Mari said.
“You’re a wonderful mother.”
“Yeah. That’s not what you thought during all those years when you’d scream at me that you must be adopted since I was too terrible to ever have had a daughter of my own.”
Kira covered her face, laughing again. “I’m so sorry! I hereby admit that you are my mother, and that you’re actually not really terrible.”
“That’s my girl.” Her mother sighed, looking at the map. “I’ll let your father know what you told me. Not the part about waking up in bed with Jason. I don’t think he’s ready for his little girl to be doing that kind of thing.”
“Mother, we didn’t actually… I woke up before we… ”
“Really?” Mari eyed her, curious. “Why do you suppose that happened?”
“I don’t understand. What do you mean?”
“The blackout got you into that situation, but then lifted in time for you to decide whether or not to go through with it. Was that just a coincidence?”
Kira started to reply, hesitating as she realized her mother had asked a good question. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know why I’m blacking out, so I don’t know why it lifted when it did.”
“When you blacked out on Maxim’s ship, it didn’t lift until you’d knocked out the guards, right? And when you blacked out while hiding from the legionaries, it didn’t lift until you were well away from them and the situation was past,” her mother said. “But this time it got you partway into something and then lifted?”
“Mother, I’m not unhappy about when it lifted! Neither is Jason!”
“Good. But do you see my point?”
“Yes,” Kira said. “I just have no idea what it means.”
“Maybe the meaning will come clear in time. There has to be a pattern,” Mari said. She leaned closer, her expression intent. “Remember what Doctor Sino said. If it comes down to dying, or surviving because you used your Mage powers, your father and I would really rather you survived. As long as you’re alive we can sort out the problems with the powers someday.”