“It’s been more than a year since you could get away with that, dearest.”
“Oh, ha, ha, ha,” Kira said before heading up the stairs.
“Jason should wear his suit!” Mari called after her. “Make sure he’s ready soon, too!”
“Why is that my responsibility?”
“He’s going to be your husband someday! You might as well get used to what that means!”
Grumbling under her breath, Kira rapped hard on the door to the guest bedroom. “Jason! Are you getting dressed?”
“Yeah. What exactly are we doing?” Jason called back through the door.
“I don’t know. Something embarrassing.”
Kira pulled off her usual shirt and trousers, looking over her clothes. Her nicest pants were easy to pick out, but her nicest shirt had been reduced to a tattered, bloodstained rag a few months earlier. She settled on a replacement that had been bought in Danalee on the way home.
She pulled on her cavalry boots, fastened on her shoulder holster and made sure the pistol was firmly set and safe, then pulled on her fitted coat that came down past her hips.
Kira brushed her hair, short and raven black like her mother’s. She paused to look in the mirror, her eyes going again to the scar running under one jaw where an imperial bullet had come close, but not quite close enough, to killing her. The scars from the dragon were all concealed under her shirt and jacket, as were those from legionary swords. But that furrow dug under her jaw seemed to dominate her image in the mirror, Kira thought with despair.
“What’s the matter?” her mother asked, coming in to stand by Kira. “Oh.” Mari ran a fingertip along one side of her own face, tracing the long scar on her cheek. “Try to pretend it’s not there, dearest. And, if you do think about it, see it as a mark of pride.”
“Does that work?” Kira asked.
“Not always,” her mother admitted. “Honestly, it seems the biggest thing when you look at yourself in the mirror, but it’s not really that big to others who look at you.”
“You learned to live with your scars,” Kira said.
“They’re not as bad as this thing,” her mother said, running her fingers through the shock of pure white amid her black hair. “I keep wondering if those hairs will ever start growing in black again, but they’ve stayed white ever since your father saved my life at Dorcastle. I try to see it as a mark of your father’s love for me. Kira, every scar means an injury that didn’t kill you. Your fellow Lancers will see any mark on you as a badge of honor.”
Kira felt her mind flooded with memories: legionaries attacking, her own fear, the desperate fight. The fight she had thought would end with her death. “Mother, did it hurt when you died at Dorcastle?”
“I didn’t—" Her mother stopped her reflexive answer and sighed. “I don’t remember hurting after I was shot, at least not after I passed out. I… thought someone was urging me to go somewhere. There was a locomotive waiting for me. But your father wasn’t there, so I wouldn’t get on it. I went back to look for him, and then after I don’t know how long, I woke up. That’s when it hurt again.”
“I was so scared. Everybody keeps saying how fearless I was, fighting that legion, and I was so scared.”
“I know exactly how that feels,” Mari said. “For so long you and I couldn’t understand each other. Now, we do. I wish we still didn’t. Understanding means you went through things that I wish you’d never had to experience.”
Kira nodded at her mother’s reflection. “I used to think you were more than human. That you were just putting on an act with me, pretending to be someone who could be scared and worried and uncertain sometimes. I’m sorry, Mother.”
Mari smiled. “Oh, you’ve been a little difficult, but my mother always said I deserved a daughter just like me.”
“I will never be just like you.”
“No,” her mother said. “Our scars don’t match.”
Kira laughed and went to collect Jason as the sound of many hooves outside heralded the arrival of their escort.
* * *
The horse-drawn armored coach hadn’t been the most comfortable ride, and Kira had felt guilty knowing that Suka was watching her leave, but at least she and Jason had been able to catch up on sleep a little during the hours it took to reach the open fort outside the city, where the Queen’s Own Lancers were based.
The carriage rolled to a stop and Kira got out, feeling odd to be coming here in regular clothes rather than a uniform, and in a carriage rather than riding.
But a familiar presence waiting for her brought a smile to Kira. “Sergeant Bete.”
“Captain Kira.” Bete rendered a salute which Kira returned. “Colonel Anders is waiting for you.”
Jason and Kira followed Bete, passing the sentry at the front entry and once again exchanging salutes. Inside, the corporal at the front desk rose hastily to escort them into Colonel Anders’s office.
“Thank you for coming today, Captain,” Anders said to Kira as he rose to return her salute. Sergeant Bete stood off to one side as Kira and Jason stood before the colonel’s desk.
Kira shook her head, feeling awkward. “Sir, that rank was a field promotion in the Northern Ramparts. I appreciate the honor you’re all doing me by using it, but I’m not sure it’s appropriate.”
“Oh?” Anders sat down and picked up a document. “Only a field promotion, you say? I needed to deliver a copy of this to you. It’s your official confirmation of rank as a Captain of Lancers.”
Dumbfounded, Kira took the paper, running her eyes hastily over the formal verbiage to the signature and seal at the bottom. “Queen Sien confirmed it?”
“That’s right. And as subjects of the queen, Sergeant Bete and I and the others of the Queen’s Own are bound to follow her instructions, Captain.” Anders smiled. “In case you haven’t been told, I understand that the Bakre Confederation and the Western Alliance have also confirmed that rank for you.”
“Why doesn’t anybody ever tell me things?” Kira licked her lips nervously. “Thank you, sir. But you didn’t have to go to the trouble of bringing me here to give me this.”
“That’s not why you’re here,” Anders said. “You weren’t told?”
“No one tells me anything, sir.”
“You’re not a lieutenant anymore. We need to start keeping you in the loop,” the colonel said. “Captain, you’re here to participate in a solemn ceremony. A new battle ribbon will be added to the standard of the Queen’s Own.”
“A new battle ribbon?” Kira asked, confused. “I didn’t know the Queen’s Own had been in any recent engagements.”
“Elements of the Queen’s Own participated in a battle in which they achieved a victory in the face of overwhelming odds.” Anders unrolled a wide emerald green ribbon onto the surface of his desk so that Kira could read the words NORTHERN RAMPARTS embroidered on it in gold thread.
Kira stared at the words in shock. “I don’t… I didn’t… I… ”
“You were present at that battle, weren’t you?” Colonel Anders asked.
Her thoughts managed to settle enough for Kira to speak. “I’m not a member of the Queen’s Own, sir! I don’t have any right to this honor!”
Anders picked up another document in front of him. “This is a copy of the report sent by General Flyn to Queen Sien. General Flyn, as you may be aware, Captain, is an old companion of Queen Sien’s from the days when he commanded the Army of the Daughter. He says that when the Fourth Lancers of Alexdria made contact with Captain Kira, fighting their way through the legionaries besieging her and Jason of Urth, she attributed her survival and success to being a Lancer, and specifically identified herself as a member of the Queen’s Own Lancers of Tiae.” The colonel bent a sharp look at Kira. “You’re not disputing the word of General Flyn, are you? You did say that, didn’t you?”
“I… ” Kira faltered before collecting herself again. “If he said I said that, then I must have. I don’t… it’s hard for me to remember detail
s of what was happening at that point, sir. I was… very tired.”
“And suffering from multiple wounds inflicted by the legionaries and associated blood loss,” Colonel Anders said, smiling at her. “Do you have any idea how proud the men and women of this unit were when we heard that you’d declared yourself to be one of them after such a fight?”
“But, sir, this ribbon… I don’t deserve—”
“Is not for you. Your name is nowhere on it. It honors the Queen’s Own for a victory won by members of this unit. By tradition, veterans of the battle named on the ribbon are supposed to affix the ribbon to the unit banner. That is you.”
Kira ran one hand through her hair, trying to order her thoughts. “But how can you say I’m one of you? I can’t be. Not when I’m not a subject of the queen.”
Anders pointed toward the large board on one wall of his office, where the unit organization chart was rendered in chalk, the names of officers assigned to the regiment also chalked in to mark their assignments, each name in the proper box. “You’re familiar with that. Do you see any changes?”
Kira studied the chart, frowning. “What’s that empty box? It’s shown as part of the unit but there’s no command assignment with it.”
“That’s you,” Colonel Anders said. “Queen Sien approved this modification to the organization of the Queen’s Own. You’re right that legally and officially as the daughter of Lady Mari you can’t be part of this unit. However,” the colonel added, pointing to the empty box, “unofficially and not written down anywhere, that’s you. Your name will never go in there, Kira. But that’s your spot. That space will always exist, and always remain open, because it’s yours. You earned it. Unofficially, you’ll always be part of the Queen’s Own as far as your fellow Lancers are concerned.”
Kira felt tears coming and wiped at her eyes angrily. “Somebody should have warned me. Sergeant Bete, why didn’t you warn me? Sergeants are supposed to keep officers out of trouble.”
“I apologize to the captain,” Bete said, grinning.
“And now you’ve made me cry, and captains shouldn’t cry.” Kira got herself under control again and looked at Jason, who had that goofy, proud smile on his face as he looked at her. “Colonel, Jason of Urth is also a veteran of that battle. Is it all right if he assists me in attaching the battle ribbon?”
“I think that would be highly appropriate,” Anders replied. “If he wasn’t going to marry you… congratulations by the way to you both… we’d be trying to get him to join the Queen’s Own. Oh, that reminds me. Congratulations as well on your achievement, Lady Mechanic Kira.”
“Also dragon slayer,” Sergeant Bete interjected.
“Yes,” Colonel Anders said. “If your titles keep multiplying, Kira, you just might surpass your mother.”
“There’s no chance of that,” Kira said.
“The Queen’s Own is waiting, Captain. Let’s get this done.”
Hoping that the ceremony would be a small thing indoors, Kira was horrified to find the entire regiment drawn up on the parade ground, each Lancer in full uniform standing next to his or her mount. “Attention to arms!” Sergeant Bete bellowed, the sound echoing across the field. “Present arms!”
The officers drew their sabers and the soldiers canted their lances forward, the butts still grounded and the points inclined toward Kira as she walked slowly across the front of the regiment, Jason just behind her. The horses, well trained, shifted slightly but otherwise waited patiently beside their riders.
Kira, desperately hoping that she wouldn’t trip and fall or do something else stupid, reached the color guard, two Lancers, one holding the staff from which flew the green and gold banner of the Kingdom of Tiae and the other the staff to which was affixed the banner of the Queen’s Own. The Lancer holding the Queen’s Own banner dipped it toward her. Her hand shaking slightly, Kira fastened the new battle ribbon to the top alongside the others, grateful for Jason’s help in steadying her as she got the ribbon attached.
She froze for a moment, staring, as she saw the word on the ribbon labeled DORCASTLE that had been added twenty years before. Somehow, she was part of that, continuing a story begun before she was born. And she knew again in that moment how much that had meant to her, how much she had liked having these men and women as comrades, how much they mattered to her.
Kira finally fully understood how her mother felt about the veterans of Dorcastle.
“Do you wish to say anything, Captain Kira?” Colonel Anders asked her.
She raised her voice so it carried across the parade ground. “I wish to say that I am incredibly proud to be one of you! Anything I did, I was able to do because of your example and your support. You were beside me that day, and you will always be beside me, and I will always be beside you.”
They cheered then, and that was embarrassing.
* * *
The elation from the ceremony wore off on the long ride back home. By the time the carriage stopped at her house Kira felt hungry and exhausted. The effort of keeping her Mage powers suppressed all day had only added to her tiredness, and as the day went on the carriage itself had felt increasingly confining.
She ate dinner quickly, not really tasting it, then went into the front room, slumping in a chair and staring at the fireplace.
“Kira.”
She looked up to see her mother standing in the doorway. “Are you going somewhere?”
“Yes,” Mari said. “Your father and I are going into Pacta to make the rest of the trip arrangements with Queen Sien, and to see if we can help her figure out which of her closest advisers is telling our enemies what we’re going to do as quickly as we decide to do it. We’re planning on staying the night at Pacta, and shouldn’t be back tomorrow until late morning at the earliest.”
“All right.”
Her mother paused. “So there’s not going to be anyone in the house but you and Jason.”
“All right,” Kira repeated, wondering why her mother was belaboring that.
“The two of you. Alone. All night.”
“All ri—" Kira suddenly got it, feeling outraged. “Seriously? My mother is trying to set things up so I can sleep with my boyfriend?”
Mari sighed in exasperation. “As you complained, you and Jason haven’t had the privacy that any couple needs. And, as you take pains to tell everyone who calls Jason your boyfriend, he’s actually your man. The promises you two will someday speak to each other will only formalize the commitments you’ve already made in your hearts.”
“It’s still gross!” Kira said, feeling pressured for some reason she couldn’t identify. She did want Jason, she did want an opportunity like this, but not if her mother was setting it up.
“Fine.” Mari waved one hand in a dismissive gesture, turning to go. “Your father and I are leaving. You and Jason have fun while we’re gone.”
“We’re not going to have fun!”
Her mother glanced back briefly. “Dearest, if it’s work, you’re not doing it right. See you tomorrow.”
Kira slumped deeper in the chair as the sky outside darkened into night. She was tired, and frustrated emotionally and physically, and her Mage powers were pushing against the barriers she was holding on them, and she really wanted to but not like this, not if she was being pushed into it, and if she was really honest with herself it was a little unnerving to think about doing that even with Jason.
Jason came downstairs, looking around. “Your parents left?”
“Yes,” Kira snapped in reply. “They’ll be gone all night.”
“Really?”
She heard a hopeful tone in his voice. Her contrariness spiked, turning into stubborn anger mixed with her worries. Slumping even further into the chair, Kira tried to submerge her desire for Jason. “That’s right. And—”
They were in bed still mostly clothed her mouth locked onto Jason’s her body straining against his body her hands his hands—
“Ahhhh!” Kira shoved him away as hard as she could,
shaking with shock and fear.
Chapter Five
Jason stared at her in momentary confusion before lunging for the knife he’d already discarded along with some of his clothes. “Danger? Your foresight again?”
“No.” Badly rattled, Kira stared at him, backing farther away.
“No? Then what—? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?”
Kira drew in a shaky breath, gathering the sheet around her to cover herself, trying to understand what had happened. “What were you doing?”
Jason responded with a bewildered look. “Huh? We were—”
“No, I wasn’t!” she yelled at him.
His gaze went from puzzled to horrified. “You were blacked out?”
“Don’t pretend that you didn’t know! And that you tried to do it anyway!” Kira felt herself trembling from both anger and reaction to the shock.
Jason sat back, shaking his head. “You brought me up here, you said ‘I love you’ when you closed the door, and when I asked if it was okay you said ‘yes’ and then a little later you said ‘yes’ again and—”
“I talked?” Kira felt renewed fear rising in her. “I talked?”
“Yes. You didn’t sound any different! If you had I never would’ve… oh, no.” Jason drew himself into a huddled ball, sitting on the other side of the bed, avoiding her gaze. “What if you hadn’t woken up for a few more minutes? What if you’d woken up while we were—”
“That didn’t happen,” Kira said, trying get her breathing under control.
“What if it had? What would you have thought?”
She gazed at him, knowing the answer, not wanting to say it, but feeling she owed it to him. “I would have felt that you’d taken something, and not that I’d given you something for us to share.”
“Yeah,” Jason said in the tones of someone having his fears confirmed. “Why were you trying to do a spell, anyway?”
“What?”
“Why were you trying to do a spell? That’s why you blacked out, right?”
Kira felt fear rising into her throat and clenching it like a choking hand. She forced out a single word. “No.”