Someone save me!
I turn to the man,
Leave me alone!
NO!
I jolt awake.
Sweat is dripping from my face.
A nightmare again.
They are staring,
My peers in class.
Are they worried?
Are they scared too?
I look around.
Where is he?
I need him.
Only he knows.
A flash in my mind.
The man from my dreams.
I cry in pain.
Where is he?
Someone touches me.
I look up,
Tears are blurring my sight.
Is it him?
He picks me up,
Carries me out,
Whispering sweet words.
I'm at peace.
My nightmares scare me.
I want to die because of them.
But he helps.
He saves me.
Pain
Pain sears down my spine.
My head is throbbing.
My chest is tight.
I can’t see through these bloody tears.
My breath is shallow.
My knees grow weak, my legs fold beneath me.
My mind is fuzzy.
More pain shoots through my body.
I drag my heavy body through the blood stained hall.
I’m blinded by the darkness that surrounds me.
My stomach gives in,
I heave up a vile liquid that gives off a glint of crimson.
Another shot of pain.
More blood spills through my mouth.
My arms are shaking uncontrollably.
I lean forward and fall into the hardwood floor.
It pains my lungs to breathe the crisp air.
The oxygen seems to be dead set on murdering me from the inside out.
For what sin have I committed to bring this upon myself?
Try as I may, the strength to fight this flees me.
I push myself to my feet,
Willing myself to flee the horror that has come upon me.
I push against the spinning walls surrounding me,
They do little to support my lead-weighted body.
“And thou shalt never know.”
The words echoed in my mind,
Each syllable pressing against the border of my consciousness.
“Thou shall forever be kept in the darkness.”
Run Like Hell
Flick the flame on in the darkened night.
Close in on the wick until you’re just about there.
Count to three.
One. Two. Three.
Run like hell.
The wick is caught and sparks fly as the flame races toward ignition.
A loud pop like a bomb going off rings in your ears.
A spark flies into the night sky, climbing higher to the stars.
Another pop and color is falling overhead.
Crackles of gunpowder hitting sparks echo through the hills.
Thuds of empty shells hit the wet grass.
The pitter patter of rain droplets hit your skin.
Another loaded shell is dropped into the barrel.
The lighter is positioned and flickered awake.
One. Two. Three.
Run like hell.
Two shots fly toward the sky and explode with an array of colors.
The barrel tips over.
Screams and laughter fill your ears as sparks and explosions whiz past you.
The rain droplets take out the remaining sparks.
You run like hell out of the downpour and into the garage where it’s dry.
People are scurrying around to save the food and fun.
People are laughing and smiling all around you.
Happy Independence Day.
Monologues
A short collection of monologues I have created over the years.
Charlie: (sitting back against the old blue vintage chair that sat in the back corner of the darkened coffee shop, Charlie slowly brings her steaming hot chocolate to her lips) Why is it that in this world, there is hardly anyone to trust? And when we do trust in someone we lose trust in ourselves? There must be a reason behind the pain one feels in their heart when they admit to a secret and tell that one person they gave their heart and mind to. (takes a sip and closes her eyes, letting the warmth of the hot liquid slide down her throat, filling her body) It’s scary to think that one day they are there for you, you telling them anything and everything; and the next they are gone, not daring to come into your life again because of what was said. (opens her eyes and looks around the shop) It pains me to think this but there is nothing in my mind to stop these thoughts from emerging and taking control. What is trust? And why do we need it? Ha! (chuckles softly to self) Trust huh? It’s useless to trust because not one person will stay by your side once it is gained and the secrets are spilled. Everyone will leave and there will be none left to hear your sorrowful cries and wipe away your saddened tears. (smirks and leans back in the chair, making the back hit the wall) No one… You’ll be all alone in this chaotic world. Even I… (pauses) I will have no one I can turn to when things get hard. No one to talk with when my emotions are too much to handle. (looks up at the grayed ceiling, eyes on the brim of tears, and heaves a heavy sigh) Trust is pointless. It will only end in a broken heart and depressed mind. And yet, it’s human nature. It’s human to trust, just like it’s human to show emotion. (slams the chair down, causing a loud echo throughout the shop, allowing heads to turn) If that may be true, then let me be inhuman! I would rather not be human that to be subject to foolish emotions and the want to trust and be trusted. Everyone is suspicious of everyone and no amount of emotion or wanting can change that undying fact! (stares ahead, the illusion of tears now gone, face showing such anger, such disgust, many get up and leave, not understanding what is running through Charlie’s mind) Trust. Hum-bug! No such thing. Just as it is human nature to trust, it is also nature to betray. Screw those fools who put their life on the line, as well as their hearts, for the sake of trust. Let them get caught by the emotions of sadness, anger, disappointment, and rage! They deserve it all for believing that they can trust in trust. (gets up quickly, her anger slowly turning into envy and sadness. she sighs once more, looking at the now empty shop) Still, sometimes I wonder what it would be like to, just once; trust in another human being... (shakes head and moves to the front of the shop, throwing away the half empty hot chocolate) That can never happen. There is no one out there for me so I will be, and will always be, alone. No one can fill this void in my heart. I guess now, the only thing that keeps me sane, is my job at the clinic. With so many trusting me, I have to keep sane so I do not disappoint. (opens the door, the bell chiming) So many people depend on me to solve their problems and yet there is no one there to solve mine. I'm alone in this small town in a small world. (she looks back one last time before heading out to the cold streets, letting the now falling snow hide her shadow as she walked away)
Background/ Situation: Myra is leaving the house to spend the day with her boyfriend of 3 years. They often argue about different opinions but they still loved each other no matter what. It is the day after Myra’s birthday and they are going to leave for some alone time away from their friends and parents. As her boyfriend leads her to the other side of the car, he starts talking about her in a bad manner, such as how her opinions and views on different things were absurd. They had just gotten over a fight, just an hour before, so Myra isn’t in the mood to listen. She goes off and gets in his face, telling him how she has a right to her own opinions and her views on things are her own and that he doesn’t have to like it.
Myra: (walks alongside her boyfriend, trying to conceal her anger over what he just said) You must be mistaken. (boyfriend tries to cut in but is interrupted when Myra calmly continues) My opinions and views are not absurd. They are my own thoughts
pertaining to different and individual matters. (stops walking and looks up at the man, her voice becoming louder) Don't give me that dull look! I am allowed to have my own opinion, whether you like it or not. (takes a deep breath and rapidly continues, now yelling) I said not to give me that look! I will not tolerate your ignorance a moment longer. I am your girlfriend, yes, and because of that I will voice my views to you because I trust you and hope we can come to an agreement about our opposite opinions. (tears form and a few roll down her cheeks)
(Raises her voice) You are so stupid sometimes! This is the twentieth century for god sakes. Women are allowed to share their views and voice their opinions to the world without being told to shut up. (begins to pace in front of the man) I don't have to stay silent and just watch as you walk around, ignoring the fact that there are people out there that see things different. People that see the world in different colors than you. (starts to shake softly, closing her eyes and lowers her head as she continues speaking)
Please! (lowers voice) Please, just open your eyes and look at me, I mean really look at me. I'm a young woman that is allowed to make her voice heard by the one she loves. Don't you see that? Don't you realize that I'm different? I- (hesitated for a moment before continuing swiftly) I don't know if you're the right one for me anymore. We fight and you never listen to me. Dismissing everything I say, just so that you don't have to listen to something that's different from your ideal views. (walks away from her boyfriend, now heading back toward her house as she goes on speaking) Until you can get it through your head that I have opinions and views on life different from yours, we can never be together. I'm sorry. Good bye. (runs inside, slamming the door behind her, leaving her boyfriend standing there, silent and staring in disbelief)
Essay Thoughts
Essays I have written in my free time when I am alone and with nothing else left to do.
Love is Here Waiting
Love is the racing beat of an innocent heart. It is what gives each person hope in days to come. Love is when you know that you’ve found the one, even without ever meeting them. Love is to understand that they are out there, searching for you. It is the goofy smile that dances across your lips every time you think of them; the fits of giggles when they complement you. Love is the flutter in your stomach when you hear their name. It is knowing that in the deepest part of your soul that it was meant to be; that you don’t ever want to let them go. Love is trusting them to catch you when you fall, no matter how far or how hard. It’s finding them perfect with all of their imperfections. To look at them and think of how lucky you are and how amazing this person is. Love is the warm feeling you get when you’re with them, like they are the fire in the coldest nights.
Love is accepting everything about them. It’s accepting their past and their future with you. Love is sharing every secret, every worry and every moment of happiness. Love is the bond between two hearts that deserve to be together as one, as they were meant to be. We were created to find our matching hearts in this world, to find the meaning of love and knowing, right then and there, that they are your match; that you are both here to complete each other.
Love is not easy. Love is not a simple feeling. Love is full of ups and downs. Excitement and disappointment. It is the thrill in our bodies that gives us hope. Love is unique to every heart. Some may find it young, while other will find it when older. But it remains there, in the very center of our hearts, no matter how hardened by the pain and suffering that it may have endured. It is there for us when we most need it. Love knows no limitations. It cannot be subject to the norm. Love can be found in every person. In homosexuals, heterosexuals, and bisexuals. It is still in every heart and love will always find a way to show true to the world.
Love is the miracle of finding a lost love. It is the nervousness to talk to a crush or the courage to act on your feelings. Love is a simple kiss on the cheek that can send electricity down your spine. It is the feeling like your nerves are set on edge. That the slightest touch by your special person can heighten your senses. Love is magical. Changing life to feel like a dream. You feel like you can do anything. It is the cloudiness of your senses with each kiss. The haze in your mind when you feel their lips against yours. Love is every hug you shared, never wanting to let go.
Love is the desire to protect the one closest to you. To show the world that they need only you. Love is worrying more about their happiness than your own. Love is brushing away every tear and seeing them smile when you kiss. Love is worth the past heartaches. They showed you what you were not looking for so that when you found it, you wouldn’t let it go. Love is amazing, giving people strength to be with the one they love, no matter the obstacles. It is the inspirations to find new ways to make them smile, laugh, and make their hearts skip a beat. But, even with all these words, love cannot be explained. Love is the heart that we give to one person; one person we know will take care of it, just as we will take care of theirs. Love is more than a million words can describe and lasts longer than time can hold. This is love. And love is here, waiting.
Reality and Meaning
It's amazing how far away the world seems when you open your eyes to see a land beyond reality. The passing cars, the open shops, the clueless people walking past, unaware of the world that could be. How long have we lived like this? That is not an east question to answer. Perhaps we choose not to see. Waning to believe life is only as simple as live and die. But there is more. There is more to understand about why we are here. To open our eyes and see what is unseen. To understand what we cannot comprehend.
If you let your mind free, let it wonder beyond all limits, you will see the world in brighter colors. You can feel the energy inside you, waiting, wanting, to be unleashed. Look around; see the world as it is. Imagine the possibilities that will give us meaning. The meaning for what is up to you. What happens after you find this meaning is unknown.
When we die, is there a heaven that waits with open arms for our arrival? Or a Hell, ready to torture us with our deepest fears and who we really are but pretend not to be? Maybe there are both, equal in their own spiritual world. Maybe there is nothing and we allow our bodies to rot in the earth. Whatever it is though, it is that.
People don't realize it but the life we take for granted as we are living is the life we cling to as we die. However, in the darkest hours of death, we understand meaning. We realize just how far from reality we really are. And with this understanding there is hope and bliss.
If we realized this earlier in our lives, perhaps we could have bettered ourselves or learn to move on, enlightening the world we know of, of what could be, of what we have witnessed and learned from.
Perchance we over think meaning and ruin what was given to us. We lock ourselves in reality when we do this, sheltering our minds from grasping the true concept of what it means to live and die. To do more than what we would normally do. Step out of the world of reality and seek beyond other dimensions.
Sticks and Stones
The saying goes, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Adults tell this to their kids all the time, but what if it’s not true? What if words had power and took form? They attack even the deepest part of your soul and cause cuts and bruises to your physical being. Sticks and stones are no longer the only things that can break bones and cause scars. Your words can cause internal bleeding, cuts across your skin, bruised muscle, death, permanent damage, and a shattered soul. Sometimes even causes emotional distress and paranoia. Words have power and will be used for the stupidest of reasons. Watch what you say, you never know who you are killing inside.
September 11
On September 11, 2001, a terrorist attack struck the twin towers. Many were killed and injured that day because of the plane crash. People around the United States still grieve the losses of those that lost their lives that day. Bystanders, firefighters, and police officers died.
Others around the world might have thought we would crumble.
That we became weaker because of the attack. We may have lost many, but did we give up? No! We became stronger. We are still standing tall after eight years. Granted, we may not be any safer but we are still here. They can try to knock us down but we will get right back up again.
We are strong because our grieving hearts do not want to lose any one else. We stand, hand in hand, to protect our country. The United States are not to be trifled with. "United we stand, together we fall."
Because of 9-11, our hearts cannot take another attack like the one eight years ago. But, we strive on out weakness. It is our drive to protect that keeps this country safe from others. We protect our hearts from hurt by uniting as one country. Firefighters and police officers risk their lives every day going to work to protect us and them. We look to them for protection at times but only we can protect ourselves. Only we can keep ourselves strong.
Cracked Mask
For as long as I can remember I have forced myself to change who I am. I mirror the personalities of others to the point I have lost my individuality. I don't know who I am anymore. However, that isn't what truly scares me. What scares me is that no one has ever seen past the mask I have created. No one has taken a second look into my eyes or questioned my reasoning. I met my boyfriend January 16, 2010. He saw me when no one else has. He helped me through my problems and was with me every step of the way through my recovery. I found a piece of myself because of him. I found my confidence to tell the world who I am and the Hell I have put myself through to make sure those around me are happy.
I have pushed my issues to the side just so that others don't worry. I pretend to be strong when in reality I am weak. Most of the time, when people are speaking to me, my thoughts are elsewhere or I am thinking to myself, "I don't care." I have put myself down and killed my soul slowly just to make others feel good about their self. I refuse to do this anymore. I will stand up for myself. I will not put up with this ignorance of a friend's mental stability. I have had thoughts of getting into an accident and dying. I have thought about what it would be like to cut. But I didn't do it. What stopped me and what saved me from those thoughts are my boyfriend, my love, and what he would say, how he would react, and how I am stronger than that.