CHAPTER XVII.
During all these hours Orion had been in the solitude of his own rooms.Next to them was little Mary's sleeping-room; he had not seen the childagain since leaving his father's death-bed. He knew that she was lyingthere in a very feverish state, but he could not so far command himselfas to enquire for her. When, now and again, he could not help thinkingof her, he involuntarily clenched his fists. His soul was shaken to thefoundations; desperate, beside himself, incapable of any thought butthat he was the most miserable man on earth--that his father's curse hadblighted him--that nothing could undo what had happened--that some crueland inexorable power had turned his truest friend into a foe and hadsundered them so completely that there was no possibility of atonementor of moving him to a word of pardon or a kindly glance--he paced thelong room from end to end, flinging himself on his knees at intervalsbefore the divan, and burying his burning face in the soft pillows. Fromtime to time he could pray, but each time he broke off; for what Powerin Heaven or on earth could unseal those closed eyes and stir thatheart to beat again, that tongue to speak--could vouchsafe to him, theoutcast, the one thing for which his soul thirsted and without which hethought he must die: Pardon, pardon, his father's pardon! Now and thenhe struck his forehead and heart like a man demented, with cries ofanguish, curses and lamentations.
About midnight--it was but just twelve hours since that fearful scene,and to him it seemed like as many days--he threw himself on the couch,dressed as he was in the dark mourning garments, which he had half tornoff in his rage and despair, and broke out into such loud groans thathe himself was almost frightened in the silence of the night. Full ofself-pity and horror at his own deep grief, he turned his face to thewall to screen his eyes from the clear, full moon, which only showed himthings he did not want to see, while it hurt him.
His torture was beginning to be quite unbearable; he fancied his soulwas actually wounded, riven, and torn; it had even occurred to him toseize his sharpest sword and throw himself upon it like Ajax in hisfury--and like Cato--and so put a sudden end to this intolerable andoverwhelming misery.
He started up for--surely it was no illusion, no mistake-the door ofhis room was softly opened and a white figure came in with noiseless,ghostly steps. He was a brave man, but his blood ran cold; however, ina moment he recognized his nocturnal visitor as little Mary. She cameacross the moonlight without speaking, but he exclaimed in a sharp tone:
"What is the meaning of this? What do you want?"
The child started and stood still in alarm, stretching out imploringhands and whispering timidly:
"I heard you lamenting. Poor, poor Orion! And it was I who brought itall on you, and so I could not stay in bed any longer--I must--I couldnot help...." But she could say no more for sobs. Orion exclaimed:
"Very well, very well: go back to your own room and sleep. I will trynot to groan so loud."
He ended his speech in a less rough tone, for he observed that the childhad come to see him, though she was ill, with bare feet and only in hernight-shift, and was trembling with cold, excitement, and grief. Mary,however, stood still, shook her head, and replied, still weeping thoughless violently:
"No, no. I shall stop here and not go away till you tell me thatyou--Oh, God, you never can forgive me, but still I must say it, Imust."
With a sudden impulse she ran straight up to him, threw her arms roundhis neck, laid her head against his, and then, as he did not immediatelypush her away, kissed his cheeks and brow.
At this a strange feeling came over him; he himself did not know what itwas, but it was as though something within him yielded and gave way, andthe moisture which felt warm in his eyes and on his cheeks was notfrom the child's tears but his own. This lasted through many minutes ofsilence; but at last he took the little one's arms from about his neck,saying:
"How hot your hands and your cheeks are, poor thing! You are feverish,and the night air blows in chill--you will catch fresh cold by this madbehavior."
He had controlled his tears with difficulty, and as he spoke, in brokenaccents, he carefully wrapped her in the black robe he had thrown offand said kindly:
"Now, be calm, and I will try to compose myself. You did not mean anyharm, and I owe you no grudge. Now go; you will not feel the draught inthe anteroom with that wrap on. Go; be quick."
"No, no," she eagerly replied. "You must let me say what I have to sayor I cannot sleep. You see I never thought of hurting you sodreadfully, so horribly--never, never! I was angry with you, to be sure,because--but when I spoke I really and truly did not think of you, butonly of poor Paula. You do not know how good she is, and grandfather wasso fond of her before you came home; and he was lying there and going todie so soon, and I knew that he believed Paula to be a thief and a liar,and it seemed to me so horrible, so unbearable to see him close his eyeswith such a mistake in his mind, such an injustice!--Not for his sake,oh no! but for Paula's; so then I--Oh Orion! the Merciful Saviour ismy witness, I could not help it; if I had had to die for it I could nothave helped it! I should have died, if I had not spoken!"
"And perhaps it was well that you spoke," interrupted the young man,with a deep sigh. "You see, child, your lost father's miserable brotheris a ruined man and it matters little about him; but Paula, who is athousand times better than I am, has at least had justice done her; andas I love her far more dearly than your little heart can conceive of, Iwill gladly be friends with you again: nay, I shall be more fond of youthan ever. That is nothing great or noble, for I need love--much love tomake life tolerable. The best love a man may have I have forfeited,fool that I am! and now dear, good little soul, I could not bear to loseyours! So there is my hand upon it; now, give me another kiss and thengo to bed and sleep."
But still Mary would not do his bidding, but only thanked him vehementlyand then asked with sparkling eyes:
"Really, truly? Do you love Paula so dearly?" At this point however shesuddenly checked herself. "And little Katharina..."
"Never mind about that," he replied with a sigh. "And learn a lessonfrom all this. I, you see, in an hour of recklessness did a wrong thing;to hide it I had to do further wrong, till it grew to a mountain whichfell on me and crushed me. Now, I am the most miserable of men and Imight perhaps have been the happiest. I have spoilt my own life by myown folly, weakness, and guilt; and I have lost Paula, who is dearer tome than all the other creatures on earth put together. Yes, Mary, if shehad been mine, your poor uncle would have been the most enviable fellowin the world, and he might have been a fine fellow, too, a man of greatachievements. But as it is!--Well, what is done cannot be undone! Now goto bed child; you cannot understand it all till you are older."
"Oh I understand it already and much better perhaps than you suppose,"cried the ten years' old child. "And if you love Paula so much whyshould not she love you? You are so handsome, you can do so many things,every one likes you, and Paula would have loved you, too, if only....Will you promise not to be angry with me, and may I say it?"
"Speak out, little simpleton."
"She cannot owe you any grudge when she knows how dreadfully you aresuffering on her account and that you are good at heart, and only thatonce ever did--you know what. Before you came home, grandfather said ahundred times over what a joy you had been to him all your life through,and now, now.... Well, you are my uncle, and I am only a stupid littlegirl; still, I know that it will be just the same with you as it waswith the prodigal son in the Bible. You and grandfather parted inanger...."
"He cursed me," Orion put in gloomily.
"No, no! For I heard every word he said. He only spoke of your evil deedin those dreadful words and bid you go out of his sight."
"And what is the difference--Cursed or outcast?"
"Oh! a very great difference! He had good reason to be angry with you;but the prodigal son in the Bible became his father's best beloved, andhe had the fatted calf slain for him and forgave him all; and so willgrandfather in heaven forgive, if you are good again, as you used to beto h
im and to all of us. Paula will forgive you, too; I know her--youwill see. Katharina loved you of course; but she, dear Heaven! She isalmost as much a child as I am; and if only you are kind to her and makeher some pretty present she will soon be comforted. She really deservesto be punished for bearing false witness, and her punishment cannot, atany rate, be so heavy as yours."
These words from the lips of an innocent child could not but fall likeseed corn on the harrowed field of the young man's tortured soul andrefresh it as with morning dew. Long after Mary had gone to rest he laythinking them over.