What happened between us destroyed any trust we'd had. He'd never come to me with anything personal after I'd rejected him. It didn't matter that I'd given him boundaries. I'd known I was walking on thin ice the moment I accepted the priest's job offer, because even then, I'd been too involved.
My chest hurt as I struggled to breathe. If X did something to hurt himself it'd be all my fault. Just like Logan had been my fault.
I didn't like to think about the months between Logan's return from overseas and his suicide, but it wasn't just because of how different he'd been. It was because I'd sensed that something was wrong and hadn't done anything about it.
That was the secret I'd held on to all these years. I told Tanner and X both about Logan's death, how I'd found the body. I'd shared other personal things with Tanner too, but I'd never told him that I blamed myself for Logan's death because I knew what he'd say. That it wasn’t my fault. I'd been a teenager. I couldn't have known.
Except a part of me had, and that was what killed me. Logan and I had been close before he'd enlisted. I'd known him better than I'd known myself. So, when he'd come home, I'd felt the loss of who he'd been more keenly than my parents had. I'd tried talking to him, tried to make him laugh and care about living. Care about me.
But he hadn't. He'd sunk deeper and deeper into depression, and I'd been helpless to do anything. Or so I'd told myself. But I could've done something. I might not have been able to help him directly, but I could have gone to our parents. He'd sworn me to secrecy the night I caught him in a suicide chat room. He told me that he'd just wanted to talk to people who understood and that if I told our parents, they'd put him into the hospital and I'd never see him.
I hadn't been an adult then, but I hadn't been a child either. On some level, I knew he was emotionally manipulating me, but I'd accepted it and kept my mouth shut.
That was my biggest fear with X, the thing that had driven me to extreme measures to try to help him. I hadn't wanted another body on my conscience. I hadn't wanted to stand around, doing nothing, while someone I cared about killed themselves.
Now I was afraid I'd only made things worse, and I didn't know how to fix it. Or even if I could.
I had no idea what I was supposed to do now. Should I go back downstairs and apologize for my reaction, but still stay firm in the fact that he shouldn't have kissed me? I couldn't be too harsh about it since I'd kissed him back. It wasn't like I could act all indignant or anything, not when my lips were still tingling, not when I could still feel the ghost of his mouth on mine.
How had things gotten so complicated so fast? I'd been here less than two weeks. The two weeks I'd promised to Father O'Toole. Was that some sort of sign? A way of some higher power letting me know that I needed to tell the priest that when the week was up, I was going home?
Despite what happened, I didn't want to leave. Part of it was fear of what X would do if I took my rejection of him so far as to actually move back to Texas, but another part – though I wasn't quite ready to admit how much – didn't want to leave him because I cared about him. Not just his physical well-being, but all of him. Over the past week, even though I’d performed some nursing duties, I'd felt less and less like his nurse, and more like a friend.
It wasn't an excuse for letting the lines between us blur, but it was a reason. I doubted it was one my job back home would've understood. That was another thing, if I told Father O'Toole that I wanted to leave, he might ask why. Even if he didn't, returning to my job at the medical center would probably prompt questions. I could be vague and say that it wasn't a good fit, but I couldn't know for certain that they wouldn't call X. And I had no way of knowing if X would protect me...or throw me under the bus.
What I did know was that sitting here and obsessing over it wouldn’t help at all.
I pushed myself to my feet and decided that the best course of action would be to take a long, hot bath and try not to think about anything. Clearing my mind would hopefully let me come back to the problem later without any of the emotions currently clouding my judgment.
I went into the bathroom and started running water in the tub. Father O'Toole had bought one of those gift basket things for me as a thank you for at least trying, so I rummaged through it for the rose-scented bubble bath. I hadn't indulged in a bubble bath in years, but this seemed like a good time to do it.
I'd soak until the water got cold, I decided, and then I'd put on my most comfortable pajamas and curl up in bed with a good book. Hopefully, that'd allow me to get to sleep, and then I'd deal with the rest of this tomorrow.
I only hoped that I'd be able to come up with a solution. I just wished I had someone I could bounce ideas off of. Since there was absolutely no way in hell I would ever tell my parents about any of this, even if I wanted to talk to my mom, I couldn't. And the person I'd gone to originally was off the table as well. I knew that Tanner hadn't approved of what I intended to do. Telling him that X kissed me – and that I kissed him back – would be proof that he was right.
I wasn't the sort of person who had to be right all the time, but about this, I really wanted to be. It was a big part of why I didn't want to go back to Texas. I didn't want to prove everyone else right by admitting that this was a mistake. I wanted this to be an atonement for what I hadn't been able to do for Logan. I needed it to be.
I just didn't know how.
I was still mulling it over when X knocked at my door. I knew it had to be him even though he hadn't said a word. We were alone in the house. I briefly considered not answering, but I knew I had to face up to what I'd done.
I turned off the water and tied my dress more securely around my waist. I took a slow breath and went back into the bedroom just as he knocked a second time.
Chapter Seven
Xavier
Oh shit!
Shit!
The word stuck in a loop in my head as I watched Nori run from the room. Okay, so she wasn't really running, but she wasn't exactly strolling either. It was clear she wanted to get as far away from me as possible, as quickly as possible.
And I couldn't blame her.
What a fucking idiot! What was I thinking? Except I knew what I'd been thinking, and it had nothing to do with common sense or logic.
From the moment she'd walked in the room, I'd wanted to kiss her. Hell, I was pretty sure I'd wanted to kiss her from the first time I'd seen her. If not that exact moment, then only because of the pain I'd been in. It had definitely been before I'd left the hospital.
It hadn't been too difficult to restrain myself there, since I'd known she'd never see me outside a hospital bed. I'd leave and never see her again. Then she'd shown up here, and I'd tried focusing on anything but her. I didn't want to see her think of me as an invalid, as someone who needed to be babysat. Then she'd suggested this whole crazy Dom / Sub idea, and everything had changed. She wanted to help me feel like a man again, to get some part of my life back.
When she'd walked in tonight, I tried to remind myself that we weren't going to have sex, that this wasn't about any sort of physical pleasure. It was about teaching me things I could use sexually in the future if I wanted, letting me have control over at least one part of my life again.
When she started following the orders I'd given, I wasn’t able to deny that it'd been a heady feeling. I hadn't planned on having her untie her dress, but the order had just come out, as if I wanted to keep pushing until she told me to stop. But she'd done it, and I hadn't been able to keep my eyes to myself.
It'd thrown me off, and not only because of how gorgeous she was. I'd suddenly been aware of how the two of us would look together. Out in public. Where people could see us. Definitely a beauty and her beast. That was why, I knew, it'd been easy for her to do this without sex. She wouldn't even be tempted by me.
I tried to walk away then, save us both the embarrassment of the situation, but she stopped me. I'd reacted on instinct, and the moment I'd taken her hand and put it on my cheek, I'd known that I wa
s about to do something reckless and stupid.
I'd felt her surprise when I kissed her, then felt her yield. It was my turn to be surprised then, but it hadn't kept me from using it to my advantage. Her lips had been so soft under mine, her nails wonderfully sharp against my scalp.
It was everything I imagined it could be. Better, actually. Easily one of the best kisses I'd ever experienced.
When she moved away from me, I'd seen the horrified expression on her face. That was enough to keep me frozen in place while she hurried out. Now, I was staring at the empty doorway and trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next. How I could fix this.
I should've walked away even after she grabbed my arm. Or, better yet, I shouldn't have even let myself get involved in the first place. It'd just been so long since I'd felt anything good that I found myself clinging to what I had with her. But I should've just been satisfied with her friendship, with the fact that she wanted to help me. Instead, I'd pushed, and now I'd lost her. She'd leave for sure now.
If she left – when she left – I wouldn't be able to keep my head above water. It was too hard alone, and I couldn't ask Father O'Toole to stay with me all the time. I doubted even his presence would do anything more than keep me alive. It certainly wouldn't make me want to live. Not like she did.
With the black looming again, my paralysis broke, and I took a step toward the hallway. Then I hesitated, not knowing what I should do. How was I supposed to make it right with her? Convince her to stay? I'd stepped over the lines she'd drawn, invaded her personal space. Lost her trust.
I needed to get it back. Even if she didn't want to continue this Dom / Sub thing, I needed her to trust that I wouldn't come near her again. I just needed her to stay.
She said she'd seen something in me that told her I'd be a good Dom, but I was starting to doubt her. There was something inside me that liked the dominating part of things, but I knew the truth. I was too weak to be a Dom, too weak to be the sort of man she thought I was. I'd always been good at pretending to be stronger than I was. Now, I couldn't even do that.
I hated myself for it. For violating her trust like that, for needing her so much. But there was no going back to change what happened. And if I didn't convince her to stay, I'd be back where I was before.
I had to try.
I made my way upstairs, wondering what I was going to say. By the time I knocked a second time, I still didn't know. Then she was opening the door, her dress tied again, her face blank. Her eyes were red, though, and I cursed myself for having made her cry.
“May I come in?” I asked. “I'd like to apologize.”
She didn't say anything, but she stepped out of the way so I took that as an invitation. I hadn't been up here since the father had redone things, but I didn't bother looking around. All of my attention was on the young woman in front of me.
“I was out of line,” I said quickly, wanting to speak before she did. “You set the boundaries, and I didn't respect them. I'm sorry.”
She started shaking her head before I finished and my stomach clenched painfully. She didn't want to hear it. I'd waited too long. Gone too far. I'd lost the small bit of light I had.
“You don't need to apologize,” she said. Her voice was soft and she couldn't look at me.
I resisted the urge to reach for her. I wanted to comfort her, but I didn't think she'd want my touch. She hadn't wanted it before I kissed her, and I was sure she definitely didn't want it now.
“Yes, I do,” I insisted. “It was wrong of me to kiss you like that.”
“I'm the one who was wrong,” she said, her voice firmer now. “I never should have put you in that position. I knew it wasn't appropriate, and I shouldn't have taken advantage of–”
“Excuse me?” I bristled, temper flaring. “Are you seriously telling me that you took advantage of me? Like I'm some virgin on prom night?”
“That's not what I meant.” Her cheeks turned red. “I meant, I'm your nurse...I mean, sort of, but enough...”
“Stop!” The word came out harsher than I intended, but it did what I wanted. She stopped talking. In fact, she stopped everything and stared up at me, her eyes wide. “I'm not a child, Nori, and I'm not so fucked up that you have to blame yourself for anything. I knew what I was doing.”
“I didn't mean...” she sighed. “Dammit. I didn't mean it to sound like that.”
I looked away from her, like I was actually interested in how the bedroom was decorated. “It doesn't matter,” I said, keeping my voice flat. “I shouldn't have done it. It's been a while since I've kissed anyone. Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
I hated myself for trying to act like the kiss hadn't meant anything to me, like I would've kissed any woman who'd gotten close enough, but she had to think that it didn't matter. If she knew how I really felt, how much I wanted her, she'd run back to Texas and I'd never see her again. I couldn't let that happen, so I said what she needed to hear.
“It won't happen again,” I promised.
And I wouldn't let it. If I wanted something in my life to control, this would be it: pretending that I didn't feel anything beyond friendship for Nori.
“So we just go back to the way things were?” she asked. “Like I never made this crazy suggestion in the first place?”
That'd be the smart thing to do, I knew, and I almost agreed. She'd go back to cleaning the house, checking on my bandages, making sure I did my exercises. I'd go back to being an asshole ninety percent of the time. It'd be easier, that was for sure. But I didn't want to be like that.
“Can I make a counter offer?” I found myself asking. If she didn't want to, I'd let it go, but I had to ask, or I'd regret it.
“Okay?” She cocked her head, curiosity written on her face. “What is it?”
“We pretend like what happened downstairs stopped right before I did something stupid,” I said. “And we make plans to have another...session so you can teach me more.”
There was silence as I waited for her answer, and I tried not to let anything I felt show on my face. She had to think that my interest was in learning, not in her. She had to think that I wanted to use this with other women, though the thought of that didn't appeal to me at all. I didn't want to be with anyone but her.
“Okay,” she said finally. “We can keep working, but we're going to stick to the rules from here on out. If either of us crosses the line again, we'll be done.”
“Agreed,” I said immediately. It wasn't like I had to worry about her breaking any of the rules. She'd only reacted to what I'd done.
She probably only kissed me back so I wouldn't feel bad. A pity kiss.
The thought made me sick.
Chapter Eight
Nori
I couldn't stop thinking about that stupid kiss.
And I tried. Over the next couple days, I tried everything in my power to forget. I worked my ass off cooking, packing the fridge and freezer with prepared meals and sweets until there wasn't any room left. I exercised until every muscle in my body ached. I cleaned every single inch of the house.
Three times.
By Sunday afternoon, every part of my body hurt, and I was no closer to getting X's kiss out of my head. I could feel his lips on mine, taste him, hear the sounds he made. Every time I closed my eyes, I could see the look in his eyes just before his lips claimed mine. That raw wanting.
And then I could hear him a few minutes later when he said that it hadn't meant anything. When he'd asked if we could pretend his momentary lapse in judgment hadn't happened. Then asked if we could continue our sessions.
I'd agreed, of course. How could I do anything else? I had to save him.
Even if it was going to be...difficult to keep myself in check. I couldn't let my personal feelings get in the way of what I needed to do.
Fortunately, I'd had a lot of practice over the years when it came to putting others' needs in front of my own. And for X, I had no problem doing it again.
I knew it was
n't exactly healthy, me acting like it was my responsibility to save X because I hadn't been able to save Logan, but the thought of him hurting himself because I'd walked away wasn't an option. No matter what the consequences were for me.
I just had to be more careful about things, that was all.
When I went down to X's floor the day after the kiss to help Kipp dress the few remaining spots on X that needed attention, it was clear that he was thinking along the same lines. Things between us felt awkward, off, as if we'd thrown our usual rhythm out of whack. On Saturday, things were a bit better, and on Sunday, even more so. Better enough that I felt comfortable with suggesting to X that we have another session Monday night.
Monday afternoon, when I walked into the therapy room, things between the two of us had shifted again. I felt the difference. We still had some caution between us, but it no longer felt like I was walking on eggshells.
“How did things go today?” I kept the question general so that either Kipp or X could answer.
“Pretty well,” Kipp said. He gave me a wide smile. “I'm guessing that means he's been keeping up with things on the days I'm not here.”
I glanced at X and saw him frowning. “He is,” I answered as I crossed over to where he was sitting. “Let's get those bandages off and see how things look.”
X didn't move as I began to peel off the few dressings that remained. I made myself focus on the skin, the wounds, checking for infection or any other signs of trauma. I couldn't think about the fact that he was shirtless, or the way I remembered his hair feeling against my fingers.
“I think we can leave this one off,” I said as I examined a spot on his chest that had required some extra care. “Looks like the skin's healed well enough now, as long as you're careful and it doesn't tear.”