“I’m going to the restroom before it starts,” I announced, needing to not only get rid of some the beer I consumed, but also get away from what was going on, what I was feeling.
That’s when I fell in love with the second child. Sam’s sister Jessica had the same idea, only she was carrying Sam’s niece, his one-month-old niece.
“Oh, can you hold her for a second?” Jessica asked me. She didn’t really give me a choice, she just placed the infant in my arms. She was so tiny, her little hands were the size of my thumbs. My eyes never left her tiny little features. I fell in love, and for the first time in my entire life, I wanted a baby. Her little fingers curled over my finger and I smiled when she sort of grinned a little crooked grin. She was the most adorable little person in the world. Her scent was something I’d never smelled. I wanted to bottle it and keep it forever.
“She’s amazing. What’s her name?” I asked Jessica when she emerged from the bathroom.
“Janie Lynn.” She smiled, taking the little bundle of joy from my arms. “She’s been a blessing. We’ve tried for seven years to get pregnant. She finally decided to come when we were on our seventh anniversary and decided we were done trying. It was causing a lot of grief and a substantial amount of money. As soon as we accepted the fact that we weren’t meant to be parents, she decided to make her presence,” Jessica explained, kissing her little head.
I was so far out of my realm that I was in a fog the rest of the evening. Sam was right about the fireworks. Words couldn’t describe the magnificent display of lights raining down above our heads. The loud booms diversified with Savannah’s laughter was contagious. I freaking loved that kid.
Looking over to Sam, I stared with I don’t know what it was. He wasn’t watching the show above us. He was watching me. Reaching around Savannah’s back, he took my hand and I let him. I let Sam pull me in even more. I was so screwed. I was beyond screwed.
By the time we finally departed the yacht, it was after midnight. Sam carried sleeping Savannah and his step dad took her from the beach.
“You walk Kendra and Olivia home. We’ll take her,” he offered. Sam handed her over and the three of us walked quietly.
“I had a really good time. Thanks for inviting me,” Olivia said.
“You’re more than welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it,” Sam replied.
Olivia left us alone once we got to the house and Sam and I sat on the steps. “You’re too quiet. What’s up?”
“Nothing,” I said, leaning into him. He put his arm around me and lifted my chin. That didn’t help a damn thing. I hated Sam’s kisses, especially these kisses. They made me weak in the knees and replayed the fireworks show we’d just watched. The loud booms were even there. What the hell was I supposed to do now?
“I’ve got to get back to Savannah so my parents can go to bed,” Sam whispered to my lips. I held my hand over his resting on my cheek and leaned into it, eyes closed, I didn’t want to let him go.
“Goodnight,” I finally said back. Sam stood, taking my hand with him. Our fingers lingered together, until space broke contact and he left. I watched his dark silhouette until I couldn’t see him anymore.
“Do you want to talk?” Olivia asked, sitting beside me with a glass of wine. My first instinct was to yell at her, put her in her place. I stopped that notion right quick. I took it, deciding at that moment, I didn’t really like Challis-North as much as I thought I did.
“Shit, Olivia. I’m so fucked up right now, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going,” I confessed, using language I would never in a million years have used pre-Sam, not around people anyway.
“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”
“Is that what it is? I honest to god don’t know. I’ve never felt this way before.”
“I’m afraid it is.”
“How do you know?” I asked, confiding in the only person on earth available for me to talk to.
“Does he consume you? I mean like, do you think about him in everyday life? Like everything you see, smell, hear, do, it all makes you think of him?”
I snorted and sipped the bitter wine. I didn’t even have to think about it. Sam consumed me, and now I was consumed with another knowing. I wanted a baby, a baby girl just like Janie Lynn and Savannah, one that I could love and give the kind of life I didn’t have.
“Tell me about your fiancé, what was his name?” I asked, needing to hear something. Maybe I wanted to hear her talk about him to see if I felt the way she did.
“Jackson. He’s awesome. I love him so much.”
“Where did you meet him?”
“He worked for my dad his senior year in high school. We snuck around for over a year, seeing each other before my dad found out.”
“Your dad didn’t like him?”
“Not at first. Jackson’s black. He didn’t think it was right, but he’s okay with him now. He knows he loves me, and he’s in the service, trying to make something of himself for us, for the family we’re planning on having. Oh my god, did you see Jessica’s little girl? I couldn’t get enough of that little baby.”
“Yeah, I held her while she went to the bathroom. She’s amazing. What would you say if I told you she made me want to have a baby now?”
“I don’t know how I feel about that.”
My head snapped to the right, glaring at her. “Why? What do you mean? I could be a good mom.”
“There’s no doubt in my mind about that. I just don’t think the world needs any more kids like Angelica’s. I never in my life wanted to hurt a child before.”
I laughed. “I agree, but I wouldn’t want that. I would want her to be like Savannah, full of life and inquisitive.”
“I don’t think Garrison would allow a child like that in his house.”
“I wouldn’t want Garrison’s baby. I would never bring a baby into that house, plus, I can’t have any. I’ll never have my own baby.”
“Why?” Olivia asked.
I studied her concerned face and almost told her, but then changed my mind. I didn’t want anyone to know that side of me. “Mother nature’s way of telling me I don’t need one, I guess.” I shrugged. “Do you want to go up to The Strip and eat breakfast with me in the morning?” I asked, wanting to get off the subject of me and my baby-making dilemma.
“Really? You want me to go with you?”
“Yes, I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t.”
“Okay, sure.” She smiled. I smiled, too. I sort of liked having Olivia as a friend, treating her the way she deserved to be treated, and having someone to talk to. Maybe I was starting to consider her as a friend.
I lay in bed that night until wee hours of the morning. Maybe Olivia and I would be doing lunch rather than breakfast. I thought about Olivia and the way her eyes lit up when she talked about Jackson, how she hid her love for him from her parents because of skin color. I knew without a doubt had it been an issue, she would have chosen Jackson. I hated it that he was gone for an entire year. That sucked for her, and I made myself a promise to keep her on the entire year until he returned. It felt good to want to help her cope with his absence rather than being a bitch to her just because I could.
Sam was right. I had been domesticated my entire life, and for the first time ever, I wanted to live, be wild, and say fuck the kept woman persona. Angelica, Penelope, and Porsha could have it. I didn’t want it anymore. What I was supposed to do about it was the problem.
I was right about missing breakfast. Still sleeping at almost noon, I woke to kisses being placed all over my face.
“Wake up, sleepy head. I missed you.”
I smiled the biggest smile in the universe. I wanted to be woken that way every day for the rest of my life. “I have to pee,” I said, pushing Sam’s face away with my hand. He picked up my stuffed mouse and moved him to the side, internally making fun of me for sleeping with the silly little thing. I couldn’t help it. He made me feel close to Sam and he was softer than baby powder.
&nb
sp; He came to his knees and slid me out of my panties. I helped, of course, by raising my hips. My legs spread wide on their own accord. “Don’t pee yet,” he advised, running his fingers through my suddenly awakened pussy. Okay. No problem. Sam moved between my legs and kissed the inside of my leg, and then my clit. My eyes closed, waiting for the sensations of his mouth, but they didn’t come.
Sam slid up beside me and pulled my leg over his hip. “Is this how you masturbate in bed?” he asked, kissing my shoulder.
“No. I do it on my stomach normally.”
“Rollover,” Sam whispered, kissing my lips. I did. Of course, I did. I was about to get off.
“Like this?” he questioned.
“MmmHmm,” I moaned, feeling his fingers continue massaging my juices gently through my throbbing pussy. Oh my…
“How old were you the first time?” I opened my eyes and looked at him. That might scare him away.
“The first time I had sex or had an orgasm?”
“An orgasm, and don’t lie,” he warned, kissing the corner of my mouth.
“Eight,” I truthfully told him.
His fingers slowed but didn’t quite stop. “Geesh. You’ve always been a horny little thing. Was it on your belly like this?”
“Yes, only I was looking away. I wasn’t allowed to look. Like this,” I said, turning away from him to look at the wall.
Now they stopped. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck.
“Look at who, Kendra?”
Rolling to my back, I begged him not to stop. “Keep going, Sam. Please,” I pleaded, moving his hand back to the aching between my legs.
“Who hurt you? Tell me,”
“Nobody. I don’t know why I said that. Please don’t stop.”
“Kendra, who hurt you?”
“Sam, please don’t do this.”
“I want to know.”
Breathing a long, deep breath, I got up, knowing I had just ruined any chance of getting laid. Sam pulled me back to him.
“Sam, I have to pee,” I said, moving his hand. He let me go, but followed me to the bathroom. What the hell?
“I’m going to drop my pants and piss right in front of you,” I warned.
“Go, and you’re not wearing pants,” he waved with his hand in a circle and leaned against the counter. “Who hurt you? At least tell me the son of a bitch is behind bars, so I don’t go hunt him down and kill him.”
Shaking my head, I couldn’t believe I let that slip. How could I be so stupid? I sat on the toilet and let it go. I would have never peed in front of Garrison, and I sure as hell wouldn’t have let that slip around him. “Sam, please stop. It was a long time ago.”
“Is he in prison?”
“No, Sam. He wasn’t a he. He was as she and she’s dead.”
“Who?”
“My stepmother,” I said, closing my eyes and dropping my head in defeat. He wasn’t leaving me a choice. Sam wasn’t going to give it up until I told him. I could have lied and blamed it on an uncle or something, and the thought did cross my mind. For whatever reason, I didn’t do that. I told him the truth. Sam waited for me to wipe and took my hands. I pulled away and walked around him to brush my teeth.
“Talk to me, Kendra.”
Spitting the white foam in the sink, I rinsed and walked around him again, trying like hell to avoid eye contact. Sam dropped to his knees in front of me after forcing me to sit on the bed by pulling on my hands. I stared down at my hands in his, wondering about yet another unknown feeling. Kendra Ashby didn’t cry. Kendra Ashby stopped that emotion as a child. Why now? Why did I want to cry now, in front of Sam?”
“Baby, talk to me.”
Damn. There it was. I tried to hide the first tear with the shoulder of my shirt, but Sam saw it. The next thing I knew, I was in his arms, crying like I hadn’t since I was probably Savannah’s age. I cried in the crook of his neck, soaking his T-shirt with tears and a runny nose. I don’t know how many minutes went by with Sam knelt in front of me, holding on to me for dear life before we were on the bed.
Sam still held me tight with my back to his chest, smoothing my hair and kissing my head. I heaved in air like some idiot child, trying to catch my breath. He hushed me with shh’s and kisses.
“I was four the first time,” I blurted for whatever reason. By the time I laid in Sam’s arms and spoke to him from behind, I’d confessed everything. Sam never once interrupted, although there were times he held me tighter.
“You had sisters. Did she hurt them, too?”
“No. I’m sure she didn’t. Only me,” I replied.
Once Sam thought I had gotten it all out, he turned me to my back and kissed away tears. “I don’t even know what to say to you, Kendra. All I keep thinking about is Savannah. I don’t know what I would do if someone hurt her. You’re a fighter.”
“You want to know something funny?” I smiled. “I keep thinking about the same thing. She’s a pretty cool kid.”
Sam smiled and kissed me. I think by that point, neither one of us knew quite what to say. I’d just confessed every dark secret about my past to Sam, and it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from my chest.
Moving his body to mine, Sam kissed me, and then made the most emotional, expressive love to me I had ever felt. It was the most possessive, absorbing, anxiolytic, tranquil, acute, potent, and breathless loving-making ever to be made by mankind. Ever.
I came three times before Sam finally subdued inside me and released himself. “I’m sorry. I swear I wasn’t even thinking about doing that,” Sam instantly apologized, coming back to the seriousness of where we were. I didn’t like serious Sam. I should have kept my big mouth shut.
“It’s fine. It’s exactly what I needed,” I assured him kissing his lips.
“Let’s get out of here,” Sam said, turning me to my side and cracking me on the ass.
“And go where?”
“Somewhere to make you forget who you are and where you came from. Somewhere fun.”
“No horses,” I teased, sliding down his body. “Thank you, Sam.”
We didn’t have to worry about Olivia. She left a note that said she was going to eat without me because I wanted to sleep all day. Sam did exactly what he said he was going to do. We had fun, and not once did he mention anything about what I had so stupidly disclosed to him.
I protested the zip-line even more than I did the horse. “Please, don’t make me do this, Sam,” I begged turning to his chest.
“Hey, remember how you absolutely didn’t want on that roller coaster for anything? Try it once.”
“UGH. I hate you.” I sat in the swing-like seat, right beside Sam. I felt things I shouldn’t have been feeling when the guy secured me, strapping me to safety. The throbbing between my legs was quickly replaced when the managers told us to flatten our feet against the gate.
Sam was grinning from ear to ear. He was such an adrenaline junkie. “You’re going to love it. Don’t worry,” he assured me one more time.
I screamed a high pitched, shit-your-pants scream right out of the gate. We were going so fast. Sam yelled, too, but his was more of a whoop, whoop, and mine was more like a horror movie scream. The ride was long, I bet a half a mile or more, and just when I started to enjoy zipping between trees and massive rocks below, I started to wonder how we were supposed to stop.
“Sam!”
“What?”
“How do we stop?”
“You hit a stopper and it flips you in circles until it stops.”
Great. I really did hate Sam. I hated him even more when the cable tightened or something, slowing us to a complete stop before we reached the bottom.
“You’re an ass,” I accused with an unmanageable smile. Okay, I loved it. It was fun. It was so much fun we did it again.
After we flew through the air on a cable, we had ice cream cones, two different flavors. Sam made us do that, too, just so we could share. Sam did an awesome job making me forget about anything but him, me
, and whatever this was between us. He kept me out and busy until I was exhausted, begging him to take me home. The zip line was unforgettable, and I am glad I did it, but the hand-in-hand walk while listening to Sam talk about Savannah was the most memorable.
Sam never left me. I don’t think he cared what Olivia thought, or anyone else. He didn’t even leave my side while I had my three-minute conversation with my husband. He stayed with me the entire night, never mentioning anything about what happened that morning. He talked and joked with me like I hadn’t mentioned anything about anything. We made love under the stars on my dark balcony, and then fell asleep in each other’s arms. Sam did anyway.
I lay awake for a long time, thinking about everything under the sun. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what I had to do. It scared the hell out of me, but I had to do it. I didn’t belong with Garrison, and he had to know that as much as I did. We were never meant for one another. Garrison needed someone like Angelica. I didn’t want to be that person, not now, not since I learned how short my life was through the eyes of Sam.
As much as I wanted him, there was something I wanted more. Every time the idea popped into my head, I tried like hell to throw it out. It wouldn’t stop, it was there, the seed planted, and I wanted it to grow. It could work, I knew it could, I just couldn’t tell Sam about it. He would never understand.
My fingers brushed up and down his arm while he breathed relaxed breaths into my hair, and I thought about never carrying a baby for the first time in my life. I was twelve and had just gotten my period. I used to hate listening to the girls chatter in school about their periods, always complaining. They wouldn’t be complaining if they couldn’t have one. I had a total of five. I did cramp a little sometimes and once in a while, I had some spotting, but not really a period. In all my twenty-nine years, I had five monthly periods.
“There’s nothing I can do, Adriana,” the doctor insisted. I was only twelve, so I’m not sure who he was. They did talk like they knew each other, calling each other by their first names. Just the way they talked in general told me they were more than acquaintances. Plus, we drove a long way to see him. We never did that before.