Chapter 12
I don't want to go to school. I have no idea how I’m ever going to face Josh after all this stuff is between us now. I just can't deal, but Mom won't let me hide out in my room. I won't give her a straight answer why I want to stay home, I just tell her I'm not ready to go back yet.
No dice. The heartless evil Mom monster kicks me out the door telling me to get my butt to school and face my fears.
Sometimes it royally sucks having a psychiatrist for your Mom. You can't get away with anything.
I don't see Josh all morning or at lunch until he walks in late to 4th period Algebra class. I'm suddenly incredibly absorbed with my head down reading the copyright and Library of Congress information at the front of our textbook and staring down at the floor until I see his Converse pass my chair and hear him sit down behind me.
I'm still looking down wondering what the heck the heat is set on in here when I see his left leg stretch out next to the side of my chair and give it three taps.
I can't help but smile to myself. I reach down slowly and give his leg a pat, letting my hand rest there for a little while.
Josh comes up after 5th period leaning against the row of lockers next to mine and said, "I'm sorry."
"Why, what did you do now?" I tease without looking up. When he's casual like this, I forget for a moment that there's all this massively huge pile of stuff between us, and he's just Josh again. My old friend.
But then I look up into his gorgeous green eyes that make me catch my breath and it all comes flooding back like a tsunami.
"For making it all weird between us. We should probably go somewhere and talk huh?" he said.
"Sure, but I really need to get home and practice my lines today. Auditions for the senior play are next week. Rain check?"
"Sure."
And I try to make as graceful exit as I can down the hall and spend the rest of the week making small talk trying not to be left alone with him.
Yes, I'm a chicken shit. So, what?
Hey
Even if I didn’t recognize his weird area code now, I’d know it was him. That’s become his signature greeting for texting and talking.
Hw
Study break?
What’s up?
thinking of u
He types a few words on a screen from three streets away and my pulse jumps twenty points. If I had any brains I’d shut my phone off right now.
Thinking what?
Dumbass. I’m nuts I know. It’s like waving a red flag in front of a bull, I’m just asking for trouble, but I’m curious ok? Stupid maybe, but curious even more. So I brace myself for what comes after his long pauses…they’ve been bombshells so far. Figuring this could be a while I take a drink from the cup next to me and the phone pings.
When I can kiss u again
I nearly spew Gatorade all over my laptop I’m choking so bad. I was right. Bombshell. KABOOM! I recover but I didn’t just wave the flag in front of the bull I walked right up and smacked it on the snout with it. Now what? Offense or defense?
Sorry, school already has a Player
Whoa. Low blow Kat and totally NOT TRUE
Jk
NOT funny
Will we ever be able to have a normal conversation texting or talking again?
After school the senior play auditions kick into high gear.
Since Jaxon and I won first place at the One Act Festival, we get to go right after Player and we decide to do the same one act scene for our audition.
We're so anxious until the cast list goes up we practically race to the cafeteria each day to look for it, then finally after four long days, we excitedly find our names near the top.
YES! Bucket list item #1…check!
Play rehearsals are after school three days a week starting immediately.
Josh isn't allowed to run on his ankle for a few months, doctor's orders, so he decides to join the stage crew for the play. There are no auditions for stage or tech crew, the only requirements are a willingness to tolerate an unlimited number of splinters and bruises building movable sets for the scene changes.
I like getting to spend more time with Josh after school, but seeing him talk with other girls during rehearsals…I didn't think this would bother me, but, it does starting the very first week.
Of course they notice him walking around flexing in his stupid t-shirts that are three sizes too small. Seriously, does he know there's a big boy section in the stores with clothes that would actually fit him?
After about two weeks, Josh and I seem to have an uneasy peace between us most days. Neither of us is sure how to act around the other one now and I hate that.
At lunch we keep conversations to meaningless talk about homework, rehearsals and set construction for the play, pretending that nothing has happened and that no huge revelations were revealed or that we both survived an emotional train wreck in his bedroom.
There are also no more texts about kissing, which is good, I guess. I really don’t know what I feel about all that. I’m really confused about how I feel about him in general.
It doesn’t help me though, sitting next to him at lunch when his leg accidentally rubs against mine under the table as he sits down next to me, or when his fingers lightly brush my hair and neck every time he reaches over me to borrow a piece of paper or a pencil in Algebra class. If I didn’t know better I’d swear he was constantly losing his pencils on purpose.
Afterschool, play rehearsals aren’t much better remembering back to October knowing now that it was his lips that nipped at my ear and his fingers trailing fire on my skin.
When I’m not careful he catches me staring at those lips and I’m rewarded for my carelessness with one of his new wicked grins and a flash of his eyes or, (dear God) a wink, telling me he knows exactly what I’m thinking about.
“Do you want to grab a pizza at Gino’s after rehearsal this afternoon?”
Holy crap. I was so distracted thinking about him, I didn’t notice he walked right up to me. His simple question startles me making me nearly jump out of my skin.
He pretends not to notice, but his grin told me he does, “I have my parent’s car. I could drop you home right after.”
Like a date? Is Josh asking me out on a date date or a lets-get-together-and-hangout-as-friends date?
“Ohhhh. I can’t wait to hear the end of this conversation,” Laurel snickers from the pile of costume fabric she’s sorting on the floor behind me.
Shut. Up. I mouth down at her over my shoulder. Her huge grin and wink back up at me are so not helping. She’s enjoying watching me squirm; the perky little trouble-making monster.
“That sounds fun but…I sort of made plans with someone today just after lunch,” I tell him.
But before I can ask if he wants to come with us he said, “how do you ‘sort of’ make plans? And who exactly is this someone?”
The sharp edge to his voice has me raising my eyebrows in surprise but before I can answer, Player shows up throwing an arm over my shoulders.
“Hot stuff. Ready to roll?”
Josh looks straight at me with those gorgeous green eyes blazing, “are you kidding me?”
I tilt my head giving him a warning look before either of us said something stupid.
Too late.
“Fine!” he said through gritted teeth.
I watch him turn and storm off as Player said, “What crawled up his ass and died?”
This day is turning out so great.
There’s only one place in town for pizza and that’s Gino’s. Although I wasn’t quite in the mood to hang out after my encounter with Josh the hour before, Laurel said it’ll be good for me to get out and have some fun after we’ve been working so hard. I haven't been able to make myself tell her about Josh and I yet, but I wonder if her BFF radar is on full detection alert.
I decide to blow off some steam with my friends, so, I go.
The three of us grab a free booth just inside the door and Jaxon mee
ts up with us a little later after he finishes blocking his bar fight scene.
After we wolfed down our fill of Pizza and Dr. Pepper we were just hanging out goofing on each other when I had to put on my literary boxing gloves for a throw down fight over Twilight vs. Vampire Academy.
Player must know he’s losing ground with his weak defense of Edward and Bella as he smears some red sauce from the pizza scraps spreading it all over his mouth and starts to pretend to bite my neck as a Cullen Vampire.
“EWWW!!! YOU ARE SO GROSS! STOP IT! STOP IT!” I laugh out loud trying to squish my shoulder into my neck to block the attack.
Jaxon and Laurel are about to cry or wet themselves from laughing so hard.
That is the exact moment Josh picks to walk through the door and catch sight of me in the booth with my friends—with Player’s arms around me, his face buried in my neck.
Crap. Crap. Crap. Talk about your royally crappy timing.
His face is a mask of pure fury looking like he’s about to kill someone, me or Player, not sure which.
My laughter dies in my throat as Laurel and Jaxon turn their heads following to see what I’m looking at. All three of us watch Josh head straight to the counter where he picks up a take-out order and heads back out the door, shoulders ramrod stiff, without looking back at our table.
That brief exchange drains the last of my good mood and Jaxon offers to give me a ride home. We leave the table letting Player slide into the seat Jaxon leaves empty by Laurel and he continues his Vampiric attack on her as we walk out the door.
Glad to see someone’s world isn’t falling apart the way mine feels like it is.
Our pseudo literary talk over pizza earlier made me reach for my Vampire Academy series books that night to step back into the world of Rose and Dimitri. I’m just putting them back when my iPhone buzzes on the desk.
Hey.
Kat?
I know you’re there.
Silent treatment? Guess I deserve it.
How does he know I’m reading his texts? Maybe I’m still out with my friends. Maybe I’m busy doing something not just waiting around for him to call/text.
I can see your bedroom lights on.
Stalker boy. I finally text back.
Hey.
Where are you? I ask.
Look out your window.
My curiosity gets the better of me and I pull back my curtains just a few inches. I’m surprised to see him down there leaning against the oak tree in my front yard. There are a couple of inches of snow that fell earlier making it look like a shiny white blanket covers the yard. Then I notice there’s something wrong with the snow near where he’s standing.
He’s stomped out the word S O R R Y in the snow with his boots.
All I can do is shake my head in wonder. I do not know what to do with this guy.
He smiles and looks down at his phone for a second before mine buzzes.
Nite Kat. Sweet dreams.
I lean over my desk to look out the window again and he’s gone.
The 6pm news calls for a snow and ice storm the next day and Mother Nature does not disappoint. I wake up blinking to a clock that shouts it's 9.18am and I have overslept. I have a momentary panic but then I remember Mom always comes in and turns off my alarm, when they cancel school letting me sleep in. Another way she is somewhat cool, though how she creeps into my room without waking me up I will never know. I have an unexpected snow day at home that's a nice surprise.
Though it makes me remember another snow day a month before that quickly darkens my mood. I try to shake it off focusing on a free day home alone of reading and drawing and being a major lounge lizard and head downstairs in my PJs to forage for breakfast.
I'm halfway through some scrambled eggs and toast when the doorbell rings.
I peek through the peephole (safety first) to see Josh standing on my front porch looking over his should at the snow plow crawling down the street.
There goes the quiet free day.
Before opening the door, I briefly consider bolting up the stairs to hide under my covers. I probably should learn to trust those first instincts.
"Hey."
"Hi Josh. What's up?'
"Can I come in for a minute, it's sort of freezing out here," he asks making a show of stomping his snow-covered boots on the porch.
I step back opening the door all the way, "I guess."
"I won't stay long," he said coming just a few steps in, "I know you probably want to spend the day catching up on some reading, but I have been thinking a lot the last few weeks and I just needed to talk to you."
'Catching up on my reading', no fair him knowing me so well.
"Ok, I’m listening."
He unzips his coat and starts looking around the hallway and into the living room, anywhere but at me. He's stalling. What now?
"Earth to Josh, I'm right here," I say waving my hands in front of his face, "what's going on?"
He takes a deep breath and said, "I know I screwed up not telling you right away that it was me that night at the party. I just didn't know how and the more time we spent together, the harder it got. I need to know you believe me that I never meant to lie to you. It just…it all just got so out of hand and I didn't know how to fix it without upsetting you more," he said dropping his voice so low at the end I have to strain to hear him.
His eyes have such a hurt look to them.
I stare at the floor thinking about what he said for a minute trying to take it all in before I answer.
"Kat? I want us to have a clean slate," he pleads.
I glance back up to see those deep green eyes now filled with apprehension, "I do believe you Josh. Still you should have been honest with me, but…I can see how it could have been difficult for you," I say.
He breathes a big sigh of relief and the smallest smile plays at the edge of his mouth, but then he clears his throat.
"If I'm being 100% honest here to start that clean slate, I should probably also apologize for letting things get carried away and then just bailing on you that night during winter break too."
I can't stop the heat I feel flooding my cheeks, but I can't look away either as I listen to everything he's saying just come rushing out.
"I meant what I said in the fort that was the best day I'd ever had. After your parents left, I just couldn't keep away from you any longer and once I started touching you I almost got lost in all of it, but then I remembered you didn't know and it just felt like I was taking advantage and lying to you even more. That's why I left. I couldn't bear it, and I couldn't find the guts to tell you yet."
I don't know what to say. I can't move and I can't speak. All I can do is stand there in my tank top and SpongeBob Squarepants pajama bottoms and fuzzy slippers listening to him go on.
Josh takes a hesitant step closer to me and reaches out to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear leaving his hand resting against my neck while my heart slams against my chest like it's about to explode through my ribcage.
"I don't know what's wrong with me Kat. I know I act one way at school and I'm different here at your house, but I can't explain it. At school I feel so…jealous I guess of all your friends. The guys and how they talk to you, I feel like I want to just keep you all to myself and not have to share you with anyone. You were my friend first, and longest. I know it's stupid, but that's how I feel, but I'm going to work on it. I promise."
Still can't breathe, or talk. What the hell has happened to my brain? Apparently staring is my only ability right now, and standing up, but my legs are feeling wobblier by the second, so that's not going to last much longer if he keeps talking, and looking so intensely at me like this.
I see him swallow hard and inch closer to me so we're almost nose to nose and he closes his eyes, "that night at the party, and winter break," he said his voice low and rough now just like at Halloween, "they were the most amazing nights of my life Kat. I can't stop thinking about them, or you. I…"
Then he o
pens his eyes and there's no more words, just Josh's lips on mine, soft, gently searching for a response from me. This slower assault on my senses is just as explosive as the other two times his lips touched me, maybe even more now that I have everything he's just said swirling around in my head.
I start to kiss him back and feel his arms wrap around me as I slip mine into his jacket around his waist. Our kissing isn't as intense as it was before, this time it feels newer, tentative and exploring but just as powerful. My mind is spinning out of control and my body is desperately trying to keep up.
A few breathless moments later, Josh lifts his head and I rest my cheek against his chest. I can hear his heart beating fast like mine while he stands there cradling me in his arms.
"I'm still your friend Kat, and I'm terrified of losing what we've just found again, but…I also want to do right by you and be the kind of guy you deserve. I can. I'll show you I can. If you just give me a chance, I think we can work it all out," he said his voice still coming out shaky. He sounds as affected as I feel, but at least he can talk. All I can do is nod up and down rubbing my cheek against his shirt.
His lips tenderly seek out mine again one last time before he said, "I'm going to go and let you have some time to yourself. See you tomorrow ok?"
Still can only nod. Vocalization is not even a remote possibility. I can barely remember to inhale and exhale.
He smiles and quietly closes the door behind him.
I twist the deadbolt and slump against the door sliding to the floor.
So much for a quiet, relaxing day at home.
When Mom and Dad get home later and ask me how my day was, all I can do is nod, "it was…good."
I'm about to find out if Rose can save Dimitri's soul when my phone pings. I reluctantly put my book down on my bed. I know it isn’t Laurel because she just told me to stop texting her an hour ago, she needed her beauty sleep. I didn't tell her about Josh's visit this morning, or that he's the Halloween mystery guy yet. How can I? What do I say? I have no idea what we are right now, or where we're going. It all feels a little surreal still.
Hey. I smile.
What are u doing up so late?
Duh. texting u
U should be asleep
Said the girl who's still up to answer a text!
It's past midnight. I'm reading. why r u still up?
Can't sleep. Lying here in bed thinking of u
Whoa. Lots of new territory here. The visuals exploding in my mind are soooo not calming. What Josh wears to bed. Pajamas? T-shirt and thong like me? Probably not the thong, geez hope not. Just boxers? The last option takes me a minute to recover from.
Thinking?
Apparently, I haven't learned my lesson since the last time I asked him that, or I'm just a glutton for punishment but either way my stomach is fluttering and my cheeks are starting to hurt from smiling so big.
What an AMAZING kisser u r
Fluttering now replaced by back flips.
They say it takes 2
What else do they say?
Uh oh, now I can feel that thrilling little danger factor slowly crawling up my spine. I bet this is exactly how all those sexting scandals start.
They say I need my beauty sleep. I better go.
Not possible. You can't get any more beautiful than you already are.
I have to end this fast before the fire in my belly leads me do something really really stupid.
G'nite Josh
Nite Kat. Sweet dreams