CHAPTER TEN
Charly had mailed some of her dreams off to T.G. and expected that he would have received them already. Just knowing that he would be reading them made her feel very close to him.
She settled down more comfortably and began scanning the pages in front of her, images and sensations flooding through her as she allowed herself to drift with his dreams. A very strong sense of his personality began coming through to her and she read quickly to the last page. Closing her eyes, she dropped her head back against the sofa and let the feelings flow for a few moments. Uppermost was a sense of pleasure at the quality of the self-awareness evident in his dreams, and the encouragement he was being given to continue. She roused herself and began writing swiftly, giving a brief outline of the general theme of his dreams, then a more specific translation of some of the symbols.
Time passed, with only the sound of the pen against the paper and the occasional rustle as she began a fresh sheet. When she finally ran out of words, she arched her back and rubbed the nape of her neck. With a fresh coffee beside her, she began re-reading what she had written, trying to see it through his eyes, rather than her own, wondering if it would make sense to him. With very little editing, she decided it was complete, and went into her office to process it on her computer.
The computer system was her treat once the fact that she was completely debt-free had registered. She had considered the possibility of compiling all of her dreams into a journal, and the idea began to take hold, with McKinnon's interest in the subject.
A pattern developed over the following weeks, one that she found immensely satisfying. Her days revolved around reviewing her own dreams as well as his, and the highlight of her days was the retrieval of the fat packages from the mailbox, and her enjoyment in getting to know him very well. He had begun slipping little personal notes into each package and she was replying with her own, so she was able to keep abreast of what was happening in his life, on all levels.
As the weeks passed, she explained to him the meaning of his dreams, but she also took the time to teach him how to interpret them on his own, suggesting that he get some file cards and begin his own personal dream dictionary. She explained that the same symbols would begin to appear repeatedly and when he had them documented, he would soon learn what they meant to him. She also told him that a diary of daily events and happenings would be of assistance as well, so that he could relate dreams to actual experiences. And how to look at other people in his dreams and, taking the first strong characteristic that came to mind about them, apply it to his own situation.
"The language of dreams is one of the oldest on earth, and simply needs to be learned like any foreign language," she wrote one day, in answer to his question about why she was personalizing everything. "Your subconscious mind looks for anything in picture form that will get a message across. You simply need to learn how to translate these pictures into words. Remember that your dreams, for the most part, are about you and for you. That's why they're personalized."
It was quite some time before he sent a dream which contained a story about his making love to another woman, and she smiled to herself as she interpreted it for him, knowing that he had probably had more than one, but hadn't quite had the courage to send them to her.
"This dream symbolizes the integration of the other aspects of yourself - the unity forming with your subconscious and superconscious minds, and the feminine aspects of your personality. It really has nothing to do with sex. However, should you dream of rabbits..."
Then another day when his dream stated simply, 'Dreamed of a bunch of celery and some lettuce', she wrote back immediately, 'Eat more fresh vegetables! If you see a food that is black or has an X on it, it means that you should avoid it. Chalk up another one for your good old subconscious. He's trying to get your body into better physical condition, so pay attention.'
As his dreams began to show more depth, and symbols indicating cleansing with greater frequency, she told him to be prepared for long-forgotten memories to begin surfacing. 'The symbols of washing, doing laundry, bath towels, are a means of telling you that you are getting rid of a lot of 'garbage' that you've been carrying around in your subconscious. If you find yourself becoming very quiet inside someday, just go off by yourself and relax. A memory will surface and along with it will come a better understanding of it. Recognize it and let it go. Each time this happens, you will find yourself beginning to feel lighter, although that isn't really the correct term. Another of those things that would be better described with symbols!'
There were dreams that she couldn't interpret and she told him to come back to them in several weeks, maybe even months, because they were probably about future events and would make sense later on. And she told him what it meant when he dreamed of an explosion in which he was killed. 'This does not mean to write out your will and buy a coffin. It simply means that there is a major change about to take place within you. Congratulations! Your progress is great!'
She still took great care and pride in her job, dealing with problems that came up with a professionalism that surprised her at times. She was aware of a newfound peace within herself and decided that it came from the closeness she was sharing with McKinnon through their dreams. And she was always aware of how her feelings for him were becoming deeper and stronger as the days, weeks and months slipped by.
As Christmas approached, she began to hope that they could spend even a few hours together. She longed to feel his arms around her once more, his lips on hers. She had kept a damper on all sexual feelings, but she found, as she thought of seeing him, they began to surface. Her mind was weaving daydreams of an evening by the fire shared with him, the exchange of gifts, the tree with its decorations gleaming in the firelight, the smell of wood smoke and the crackle of logs as they burned. She thought long and hard about what she could give him for a Christmas gift and finally settled on a book that she felt would help him the most. It was a book of dream interpretations that she had found very helpful when she was first learning the process.
She had almost convinced herself the dream was real, when it was suddenly burst like a soap bubble, without any warning. The usual package arrived on the Monday morning before Christmas. The note was attached to the top page, as usual.
'My Dear Little Witch:'
'I want so much to spend Christmas with you. You can't know how much. But if I were to spend five minutes with you now, I wouldn't be able to leave, and we both know that an affair would be disastrous for your reputation. I've decided to take myself off to Australia for a month where I'll visit an uncle and some cousins I haven't seen in about ten years. How I wish you were coming with me.'
'I had no intentions of getting personal, but I find that the more I study my dreams, and yours, the closer I feel to you. I often have the strong impression that you are thinking about me and I believe we share many moments without being together. You have become very important to me, as a friend and as a teacher, and as you probably are very well aware, I don't give or accept friendship easily.'
'I will take you with me when I leave this morning and keep you with me until I return. I'll miss our shared dreams and little notes more than I can say, but the month will pass quickly and I'll have a big fat envelope for you when I get back. Have a good Christmas and think of me on Christmas morning. Take a walk in the snow for me - I'll be enjoying summer weather down under.'
It was simply signed, 'Love, T. G.' and she realized she was crying as she folded the paper and returned it to the envelope.
Somehow, she made it through the month. Since her fireside scene of Christmas had evaporated, she simply wrapped the book and mailed it to him, knowing he wouldn't receive it until he returned. She half-hoped he would phone on Christmas Eve or maybe New Years, but both holidays passed silently and she tried to put on a bright face for her parents. Never had she experienced such devastating loneliness. The hours and days dragged by and she relived their entire relationshi
p from beginning to end, wondering what future they had, trying to find a solution to their dilemma, for she knew he wasn't going to see her as long as she was working for the company.
Her own dreams began containing chase scenes and she realized she was being 'chased' by her own creations - doubts and fears for the future of their friendship. She often woke up with tear-stained cheeks, but no memory of having been crying.
The week before McKinnon was due back, the manager called her into his office when she went in to pick up some files.
"You've been with us for quite a while and we are very pleased with your performance. How about a reward? There's an Insurance Convention in Toronto at the Sheraton Centre in March and, since several of the speakers will be talking about subjects that will be of interest to you, the Directors have authorized me to invite you to join us this year. Your expenses will all be paid, of course, and the convention lasts for three days. What about it? Shall I register you?"
Charly stood staring at him. Although well aware that there were two conventions a year, one for the Presidents and Managers and one for the full Board of Directors, it had never occurred to her that she might be included. Immediately her mind flipped to McKinnon. If she went, would he stay home? If she didn't go, would he wonder why? If they both went...
"Can I think about it for a couple of days? You've caught me by surprise."
"Only a couple, please. We have to let the hotel know how many rooms we require and we like to get them in a block, if possible. Can you let me know by the day after tomorrow? I feel it would be very beneficial for you to go because they usually keep us posted on any new information about fire prevention equipment, alarm systems, and other topics that apply to your area of responsibility."
"Okay, I'll give you my decision then." And she walked out to her car, feeling as though the floor had fallen out from under her.
The answer came to her the next morning as she was writing out her dreams. It was all there for her to see - the trip, the lectures, and the banquet - well, almost all. She didn't see McKinnon anywhere in the dreams. So I'll go. I guess that means he'll be staying home. She wasn't sure whether she should be pleased or upset, but she told the manager to book her in when she went into the office later in the day.
True to his word, McKinnon had a very fat package of dreams for her when he returned. She was disappointed to find his note almost impersonal, with only a thumbnail sketch of his trip and one small sentence about having missed her. She set the dreams aside until the weekend, just not feeling up to the emotional upheaval of reading through them.
She knew now, and had known for some time, that she was very much in love with him. She just didn't want to acknowledge the fact, because to do so meant that she would have to make a decision about it, even if that decision was to accept the status quo and carry on with her life. During the month he was away, she had come to realize that she was ready to accept any kind of a relationship with him that he would allow her. It surprised her to find that she was very calm about the fact that she no longer cared what others might think about either of them.