He had been wrong. It was with the intent to heal and save the world that he had in fact destroyed it.
And that was when it hit me. West’s grandfather was the one who had created the infection. It was his research and his creation that had led to the fall of humanity. And I had been a part of that. He had created the infection using the data he had collected from the experiments done on me.
I nearly vomited.
My stomach rolled as I forced myself to read through the rest of the pages. It didn’t seem important to read them in detail anymore. I had been experimented upon as a child. And now here I was. I was the way I was and there was nothing I could do to change that.
There were pages and pages recording the endurance tests I had been put through. They continued to monitor my sleep habits. It seemed I had required little sleep my entire life. I didn’t require as much food as normal people but I still required it as I was mostly human.
The shock of reading what was continued on those pages should have worn off by then. It didn’t. Things continued to get more twisted and terrifying.
An unexpected side effect of the chip implantation has occurred. I have been aware of the fact that everything Eve is able to do should be impossible. Her strength, her speed, her increased eyesight and hearing capacities. It’s just not possible with a simple chip in her brain telling her to do these things. This has evolved beyond the capacity of what was expected.
The chip itself has been evolving. After sedation and a full body scan, hints of cybernetic enhancements have been detected throughout subject’s body. It is not just Eve’s brain that has been altered now. It is her entire body.
I stared at my hand, willing my eyes to see the metallic fingers I had seen on the Hunters, searching for any signs of alloys bonded to my bones. My skin didn’t look any different than Sarah’s would have, no different than Gabriel’s or Morgan’s. It was all inside. That was the reason I was so much faster, so much stronger. That was how the Fallen where. That was why the infection had spread so quickly. They were better than us. We had been overpowered so quickly.
An entry from when I was eleven:
As subject’s brain has continued to develop and evolve, adjustments have been required. Her emotions have been changing. Fear and anger started to surface this last week, indicating our previous programming has been outdone. As she continues to grow we will need to make more adjustments.
I did the adjustments myself. It is a complex procedure; the programming must be done precisely. Emotion is something not easily blocked. Modification must be dealt with carefully to not harm the brain and therefore, the body. After I had the programming correctly written, the adjustments were interfaced with the chip. The change was instantaneous. Amazing, the control that is exacted through remote programming.
Subject is again devoid of emotion.
I stared at the last line for a long time, my insides feeling hollow and empty. It was as if this man had reached through the pages and yanked all my insides out.
Subject is again devoid of emotion.
It explained a lot. How I didn’t panic when others did. How I didn’t understand what was happening to everyone after Tye had died, how I didn’t recognize their grief. I didn’t feel things.
I forced myself to read the last page that referenced directly to me.
All data needed has been collected from experiments done to subject Eve. Project is being handed off to Dr. Beeson. The next phase of experimentation and testing is now ready.
And that was the end of the entries about me. The rest reverted to the language I didn’t understand with diagrams of robotic parts and human bodies.
The sun started to sink into the western horizon and I still had not left my tent. Another plate of food had been pushed under the flap of my tent as evening set but it remained untouched on the ground.
I imagined myself sinking through the ground, of burying myself into the earth and disappearing. I had helped cause the end of the world. Whether it was by my choice or not, I was a means to the end. It would have been better if I didn’t exist. I felt meaningless, an experiment forgotten about, no longer needed. I was a hollow vessel with no reason for still being. They had gotten what they needed out of me and moved on.
Eden fell quiet, slumber sweeping over its inhabitants. And still I lay there, my eyes staring up at the ceiling, yet seeing nothing. My mind was blank, my insides hollow. It felt better that way. Should I fill back in, everything would collapse in on me.
I barely even heard the sound of feet outside before a dark figure entered my tent. I knew who it was, even if my eyes couldn’t see his face until he raised the lantern and closed the flap behind him.
My bottom lip trembled as I looked away from him and drew my eyes back to the ceiling. I felt my insides shake in a way I didn’t understand.
West stepped closer to me, set the lantern on the ground by the wall and sat on the floor facing me.
“Here,” I managed to make my throat work as I handed the notebook to him. “Please take it.”
He accepted it and set it on the ground next to him. “I’m sorry,” he whispered as his eyes dropped to the ground.
I should have told him that none of it was his fault. He had been a child after all. It was his father and grandfather, not him. But I couldn’t do it. It was his blood that had done what they had. I didn’t think I could make my voice work anyway.
“You still don’t remember any of it?” he asked quietly.
I barely managed to shake my head.
“I’ve thought about it. Dr. Beeson, the one who took over your care and research, he was a kind man. He didn’t approve of everything that was done to you. When things started getting out of control, when the infection started taking everyone, I think he let you go. He made you forget somehow. Probably with the chip. And then he let you go. He knew you would survive, that you could take care of yourself.”
I gave the smallest of nods. What had happened didn’t matter. I was what I was. What had happened wasn’t going to change, no matter the paths that had created it.
“Please say something,” he whispered as he raised his eyes to my face.
I turned my head slightly to look at him. Tears traced patterns in the dirt on his face as they rolled down his cheeks. “I don’t think I can even do that,” I said quietly as I watched one of the tears drop into the dirt beneath him.
West wiped his thumb across his cheek, before slowly extending his hand to my face. His eyes burned and clouded at the same time as he wiped his damp thumb across my own cheek. Borrowed tears.
“I can’t feel anything,” I spoke quietly through the dim light. “I can’t feel emotion. I’m hollow.”
West shook his head. “You’re not hollow. You feel things.”
I shook my head. “You’re wrong. He blocked it all. He made sure I didn’t feel anything. It became a problem.”
West scooted closer, shifting himself forward. He reached a hand toward me, placing his palm on my cheek, his thumb traveling from my cheek to my lips. I closed my eyes as heat tingled on the surface of my skin.
“You feel things,” he whispered again. His hand trailed down the side of my neck, down my arm until his fingers intertwined with mine.
A quivering filled my stomach as I kept my eyes closed. My entire body felt like it hummed as I smelled West’s presence, so close to me. It felt as if I could sense every surface of his body, so acutely aware of him it was if he was an extension of my own being.
West shifted again, the one hand still intertwined with mine, his other one coming up to the side of my neck. And then his lips were on mine.
It wasn’t crushing like the first unexpected one had been. This one saturated me slowly, hesitant in a way that consumed me. It smoldered at first, heat rising with every passing moment, eating me up from my stomach outward.
A gasp escaped from my lips as they parted and I didn’t even realize it as my free hand knotted in West’s shaggy hair. He shifted agai
n, most of his body lying on top of mine.
I didn’t understand what was happing as I burned from the inside out. My heart raced in a way it never did, even when I had been running for hours. I wanted more but felt totally consumed by West, getting everything I needed yet feeling that it was not even close to enough.
He pulled away just a bit, resting his forehead against mine. His eyes were closed as he tried to slow his breathing. “You feel things.” He said raggedly. “I know you felt that.”
West had fallen asleep, his arms wrapped tightly around me. His face looked so peaceful. He looked younger. In sleep he didn’t have to worry about survival, feel guilt for the actions of his family.
It took me a while to understand how I was feeling that night. I felt relaxed too. Sluggish almost. I didn’t understand what was happening inside of me. It was more than the fall of my defenses
I felt happy.
Maybe I did feel things after all.
TWELVE
Sweat beaded between my shoulder blades and rolled down my back. I wiped my forehead and scanned the trees again. Maybe it was just the fact that I was out on scouting patrol by myself but I felt uneasy. It felt like something was coming.
While on scouting duty that morning, I happened upon the biggest elk I had ever seen. It had taken three shots to bring it down. Bill and Graye had taken it back to Eden to be prepared to eat that night.
Dead pine needles crunched softly underneath my feet as I circled around the lake. I smelled at the air, searching for any traces of something that didn’t belong. I tried to keep my head in the task at hand but I’d been distracted the last few days.
Everything had changed and yet everything hadn’t. I’d been away from the people of Eden for the most part since that day I had read the notebook, the night West had kissed me, again. I’d been on scouting duty every day and then on watch tower nearly every night.
Despite everything I had learned about myself, everything had gone back to normal. I was still who I was. I hadn’t changed at all. I just knew how I had become the way I was. I was still Eve. As long as I was breathing, as long as I was still in control of my actions and the cybernetic side of me didn’t turn me against myself, I would continue to protect Eden until I took my last breath.
Gaging by the position of the sun above me, I knew it was about time for the scouting switch. I headed back toward the lake. I took a quick bath and walked to Eden in the fading daylight.
I drug my fingers through my tangled blond hair and stepped back into the mass of tents. The scent of something delicious wafted through the air. There was a sense of excitement buzzing around, almost a tangible thing.
“Eve!” Sarah called to me from the clearing in the center. “Come on!”
I made my way through our version of a city, watching as people bustled about. I was confused how everyone wore their nicest clothes; at least what passed for nice these days.
“What’s going on?” I asked her as I observed several women cooking up a food frenzy in our makeshift kitchen area.
“We’re having a party,” Sarah said with a wide smile. “Today is Gabriel’s sixtieth birthday!”
My eyes widened a bit at this and I gave a nod. It was impressive. Not many people lived to see that age anymore. Terrif was the only person older than Gabriel in Eden. Only the strong had survived the Fall.
“Come with me,” Sarah said excitedly as she grabbed hold of my wrist and pulled me in the direction of her and Avian’s tent. “We have to get you ready.”
“What’s wrong with the way I am now?” I asked with only half a voice of protest.
“You may only be part human Eve, but the woman inside of you needs some pampering.”
I wasn’t sure what Sarah was talking about and if I was being honest, I was a little frightened what she might mean. We stepped into the tent and found Avian, just pulling a shirt over his thin but toned frame.
“Out,” Sarah commanded. “I have to get Eve ready.”
I glanced at Avian, ready to give him what I was coming to think of as our smile, but he wouldn’t even meet my eye. “Yes, ma’am,” he said and ducked out without another word.
I stared at the place where he had disappeared with a strange feeling in my stomach. There had been a weird feeling between us the last few days. I had not been around anyone much but I had seen even less of Avian than I had expected. He would hardly even look at me. I realized then that he had been purposefully avoiding me.
“Put this on,” Sarah said as she rummaged through a bag of things. What she thrust at me was a mass of light green material.
“What is this?” I asked, holding it away from me, trying to figure out the answer to my question.
“A dress,” Sarah said with a half-smile as she looked back at me. She herself held something similar, but in a red color.
“A dress?” I questioned as I held the folds up, looking through what must have been the top of it. “It looks more like a small tent.”
Sarah chuckled. “Here, let me help you.”
Despite my protests, Sarah soon had me undressed and into the light green dress. I felt half naked. While it was long enough to cover even my ankles, the thin straps at the top of it felt like it would barely hold it on my frame. The front of it also plunged far lower than felt right, exposing what even I felt embarrassed to see.
“This seems so ridiculous,” I said again as Sarah worked on my hair, twisting and pulling at it.
“It’s part of being human, of being a woman. Or at least it used to be. We’re all clinging to anything we can. Trying not to forget what it used to be like.”
We were quiet for a while as her fingers continued their swift work. I wondered if the fact that it had never been a part of my existence had crossed Sarah’s mind.
“Avian’s been strange lately,” I suddenly said, recalling the cold way he had left earlier. “He’s been avoiding me.”
Sarah paused for a moment. She gave the slightest of sighs before resuming. “He saw you and West the other night. He saw your shadows through the tent.”
My breath caught in my chest for a moment, a rock forming there. “He was watching?”
“He went to talk to you, to make sure you were alright. He was worried because you hadn’t come out all day. That’s when he saw you and West kissing.”
The knot in my chest tightened, the feeling spreading down to my stomach. I wanted to run after Avian, to explain. But what was there to say? West had kissed me, but I had kissed him back. More than that, I had liked it. I had felt something and I wasn’t sure I wanted to stop feeling. But why did I feel so guilty?
“You deserve to be happy, Eve,” Sarah said with another sigh, her hands falling into her lap behind me. “As much as anyone else here, maybe more after all you’ve been through and done for us. But be careful. He has feelings for you, even if he won’t be obvious about them.”
I glanced back at Sarah, having a hard time meeting her eyes for some reason. Hadn’t I really known all along? Hadn’t it been so obvious? The necklace he had given me? Our conversation about the prom, the way we had held hands? The way he had gathered me into his arms upon my return with the syringes? Of course Avian had feelings for me. And he had seen me with someone else.
I shook my head as Sarah shifted to sit beside me. I closed my eyes and hugged my arms.
“Are you alright?” she asked.
I shook my head. “What is happening to me?” I asked. I suddenly felt like I was splitting in two. One part of me feeling like I needed to console Avian, wanting to have the feeling of his hand in mine again. The other half wanting to run to West and grab hold tight enough that I’d never have to let go.
“You’ve got feelings for both of them,” Sarah said softly. Even though I wasn’t looking at her I detected the small smile that was in the corner of her lips. “Love’s a complex emotion, isn’t it?”
“Love?” I said, my brow furrowing as I looked up at her. “There is no place for love in this w
orld anymore. The luxury of love died with the rest of the world.”
“If love dies, that’s when we’ve all truly died.”
I didn’t know what to say for a while, contemplating everything she had said. “I don’t want to hurt him,” I whispered.
“I know,” Sarah said as she wrapped her arms around me. “But you have to do what makes you happy. Maybe West is what will make you happy.”
I turned so that I was facing her. “Thank you, Sarah,” I said with a half-smile. “For all of this,” I said as I indicated the hair and the dress.
“You look beautiful,” Sarah said with a sly smile. “West won’t be able to keep his hands off of you!”
I just chuckled and rolled my eyes at her. “Come on,” I said as I stood and pulled her up with me. “Let’s get this over with.”
We sat down at the table, surrounded by Morgan, Eli, Bill, and Wix. Piles of food had been placed on the table, a good chunk of our left over stores from the previous fall’s harvest. The elk I had killed earlier had been prepared in every way I could think possible. Gabriel sat at the head of the long table, his family gathered around him. I had never seen him look so happy. He deserved it.
I glanced down the table as I ate. Avian sat near Gabriel’s family. I noticed he still wouldn’t look at me. It made my insides feel strange and not in a pleasant way. I almost felt sick. West was seated at the middle of the table, next to Graye. He on the other hand kept glancing down at me, the barest hint of a smile ever present on his face, the smile of a secret. West’s glances did other strange things to my insides, things that I kind of liked.
“I’d like to make a toast,” Avian said halfway through the meal, standing up and holding his glass. “To Gabriel. To the man who has always kept us safe. The man who has willingly led us, for not having to be asked to do so. To the man who has built this place we call home. To Gabriel.”
“To Gabriel,” we echoed.