Was this burning in my chest love? This overwhelming desire for more, that felt like it would consume me from the inside out?
That night I stayed silent as I crept to the medical tent. Its flaps were tied back again even though today had been much cooler. Avian and Victoria were inside, slowly eating as they sat side by side. They talked quietly in easy conversation, no awkward or tense silences between them.
They looked… happy.
I walked away, an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach. Was this what it felt like to be sick?
I didn’t even realize where I was going until I was at Sarah and Avian’s tent. A lamp softly glowed from within and I pushed aside the flap.
To my amazement, Sarah was propped up slightly, a plate of food in her lap. It was double portions to what the rest of us had been getting.
“You’re alive,” I said. I had had doubts if I would find her to be so.
She gave me a weak smile and a glare as she forked some canned carrots into her mouth.
“I’ve been worried,” I said as I sat down on Avian’s cot across from her. “How are you feeling?”
“I’ve been better,” she said. Her voice sounded terrible.
I stared at Sarah while she ate. She was nothing more than a skeleton now, her skin too loose on her frame. Her hair was a matted mess and truthfully, she smelled off.
“What is the matter, Eve?” Sarah said as she finished the last of her dinner and set her plate down on the bed. “Something is bothering you.”
My eyes stared at nothing as I tried to collect my thoughts. She was right, something was wrong, but I didn’t know where to start. It felt like everything was wrong.
“Does it have something to do with West?” she prompted.
I nodded, my eyes dropping to my hands in my lap. “I’m very confused,” I started. “I don’t understand what it is that I feel for him. I know I feel something I just don’t know what to do with it.”
“Is it bad that you feel something?”
I paused, evaluating her question. “I can’t have both,” I finally said quietly.
“Ah,” she said as she folded her legs and rested her hands between them. “Cause then there’s Avian, huh?”
I gave a slight nod, still not looking up. “Is he in love with Victoria?” I suddenly blurted.
“Victoria?” Sarah sounded startled. “Have they been spending time together?”
“Quite a bit,” I said quietly. “He has been training her.”
Sarah watched my face for a moment. “You’re jealous,” she half whispered.
“Jealous?”
“You don’t like him spending time with her, do you?” she said with the tiniest hint of a smile.
“No,” I said with a relieved sigh before I could think to be more tactful. It was strange that it felt like a relief to realize what I felt in that aspect.
“Do you know what you feel for Avian?” she asked, her voice soft and kind.
I bit my lower lip and shook my head. “I wish I did.”
“How does Avian make you feel?” she asked.
I looked up into Sarah’s eyes. How did Avian make me feel?
“Avian is home,” I finally said, feeling like my chest was swelling. “He makes me feel safe, even though I can keep myself safe. He makes me feel normal, like I’m me. He knows me. He matters, far more than he should to me.”
“And how does West make you feel?”
“Alive, I guess,” I said, an almost frustrated sigh escaping out of my chest. “I feel like I grow when I’m with him but not always in a good way. He pushes me to be more human but then he also brings out the Fallen in me.”
Sarah looked at me, silent with contemplation. I suddenly hoped almost violently that she was thinking of the answers to give me. If only she could lay things out clearly, tell me exactly the things I needed to know.
“I don’t know which one is going to be right for you. You are going to have to learn that for yourself. But I think there is going to be a time that eventually comes when you’re going to realize it in an instant and there’s going to be no question in your mind.”
“Can’t that be right now?” I said wistfully.
She chuckled, shaking her head slightly. That brought on a round of coughing. I helped her lay down and tucked her blankets up under her chin.
“I’d better go. Got to keep prepping for the trek,” I said as I moved to the flap of the tent.
“Trek?” she questioned as she looked after me, her brow furrowing.
I was about to blurt when I suddenly stopped myself. “Never mind,” I said. “Just get some rest.”
Sarah only nodded, too tired to question me further. She rolled to her side and was almost immediately asleep.
I stepped out of the tent and started for my own. I wasn’t even halfway there when a figure moved toward me in the darkness. I was familiar enough with his gait to know it was Avian.
“Hi,” I said, my voice rising in pitch a bit as I stopped a little too suddenly.
“Hi,” he breathed as he stopped just a few feet from me. We stood there in momentary awkward silence. I wanted to walk away, I didn’t want to be around Avian just then for a reason I didn’t understand. But at the same time I didn’t think I could walk away. I was so relieved to see him, to have him notice me.
“How is the training going?” I asked, taking a hard swallow.
“Very well,” he said, his eyes nearly glowing in the moonlight. “Victoria catches on quickly.”
I took another swallow, only able to nod my head.
Again that strange magnetic pull to Avian kicked in and I fought with everything I had to not throw my arms around his shoulders and press my cheek into his chest.
“You haven’t told Sarah we’re leaving,” I said instead.
“No,” he said simply, his voice catching in his throat.
It felt as if my insides had hardened and I could only nod my head again. My eyes dropped to the dirt at our feet and my arms wrapped around my midsection.
Avian placed his warm hand on my cheek and I squeezed my eyes closed as relief flooded my system. I craved more though.
“Things are going to be okay,” he whispered.
My eyes rose to meet his. “I don’t see how,” I quietly said back.
“Somehow they will be,” his eyes burned as he stared back at me.
There were a million things I wanted to say to Avian in that moment. I wanted to tell him that I wanted to know it was him that I wanted. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t want to be alone tonight. I wanted to tell him that in a way I wished it was just him and I that were leaving to go into the unknown.
But how could I say those things when I didn’t even know if he felt the same way anymore?
“Good-night, Avian,” I said quietly as I took a step away from him.
“Good-night, Eve,” he whispered back, his burning eyes following me as I walked away into the dark.
Graye had taken over two of my night watches and I now felt lost at nights. It was difficult for me to sleep at nights now that I had changed my schedule for so long. I wandered the perimeter, feeling restless and idle. If only my vision was better at night. I could be hunting or scouting, or something.
Maybe then I could outrun these feelings I didn’t want to be dealing with.
I didn’t even think to stop myself before I was standing at the entrance of West’s tent. I couldn’t make myself go inside. I could only stand there, feeling like I was being torn in two.
The flap was pushed aside and a half-asleep West poked his head out. “Eve? What are you doing?”
I shook my head. “I’m not really sure.”
“Well don’t just stand there. That’s really creepy,” he said quietly. “You want to come in?”
I hesitated, hating myself at the moment. Had I ever felt hate before? Towards anything other than the Fallen? But I hated what I was doing. I wasn’t sure how to stop myself. “Yes.”
I stepped in, diverting my eyes when I realized West was not wearing a shirt.
“Sorry,” he said when he noticed I couldn’t look at him. He started pulling a shirt on. “It’s hot tonight.”
“We’ll be experiencing even hotter next week,” I said as I looked around the tent for a place to sit. There was nowhere but his bed.
“Next week,” he said as he rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Wow. It hasn’t quite hit me yet.”
I stood there, staring at West, fighting with the emotions I felt inside. I wanted to feel the fire again, to push and see how far I could go till I burned to ash. And yet something inside of me felt that was wrong. Being with someone wasn’t just about feeling the blaze. There were other things you were supposed to feel as well.
“Can I stay with you tonight? Will you just…” I hesitated. “Hold me?”
He looked at me for a moment, a million different things running through his head. “Of course,” he answered, his voice hesitant.
West lay back on his cot and I folded myself into his chest, his warmth immediately seeping into my skin. He wrapped his arms around me and I was surrounded by his scent. I pressed my cheek into his chest, listening for his heartbeat. Exactly the same but yet so different from Avian’s.
“Are you okay?” he whispered into my ear.
I shook my head. “No. But I hope someday I will be.”
TWENTY-THREE
Two days later, the flap of my tent was opened in the dead of night. Avian stepped inside, his face grave and illuminated by the lantern in his hand.
“Can you come with me?” he asked. I had never heard his voice sound so rough. I then noticed the red rim around his eyes. I nodded once and followed him through the dark without a word.
Somehow I knew we were going to his tent before I had even left mine. The darkness felt heavy and cold, despite the summer heat. My hands felt clammy and my insides hollow.
We stepped inside and I felt myself freeze up in despair.
Sarah lay on her cot, her eyes closed, rimmed with a frightening shade of red. Her face was covered with a sheen of sweat and her entire frame trembled slightly. Her breathing came in terrifying gasps.
“She’s been unconscious for more than twenty-four hours,” Avian said, his voice sounding as if it were being dragged over rocks. “I can’t wake her up.”
I knelt at her side, pushing the hair back from her face. Her chest twitched violently as her body fought for air.
“Sarah?” I said quietly, taking one of her bony hands in mine. “Sarah?” I said again, my lips pressed into her clammy skin.
Avian sank to his cot, resting his face in his hands. In a few moments his shoulders started to shake as the tears consumed him.
I knew then why Avian had asked me to come. He had wanted me to be able to say good-bye.
I closed my eyes as I pressed my lips to her hand again. Every time Sarah had gathered me up in her arms, every encouraging word she had spoken to me as a young teenager reverberated in my mind. Flashes of her smiling face swam through my head. I recalled all the squabbles she and Avian had gotten into, remembered all the days they wouldn’t talk to each other afterwards, and then the awkward apologies that followed.
West, Bill, or even Gabriel might say that I had never had a mother, never known a sister. But he was wrong. I’d had Sarah. She was better than both.
“I’ll always miss you,” I whispered, surprised at how rough my voice sounded. Avian’s sobs became all the louder as he heard my words. “I will always remember you. I don’t know that I would have turned out as human if it wasn’t for you. You gave me a family when I didn’t have one.
“Thank you for everything, Sarah.”
Avian gave a heart-wrenching cry, his shoulders shaking violently. In that moment I had to push out his pain and stay with my best friend. These were our final moments together.
The sound of Sarah’s labored breathing became all the more terrifying over the next hour. Her skin started turning a grey purple and her hands grew cold. I squeezed her hand all the tighter.
Just before dawn, Sarah’s body was finally still.
We buried Sarah by the lake. Bill and Graye had found a perfectly smooth salmon colored rock and had somehow managed to carve her name into its surface. Gabriel snapped out of his stupor just enough to speak, to give honor and remembrance to her name. Avian hadn’t said a word since he had come to get me the night Sarah died. I held his trembling frame for two whole days after.
TWENTY-FOUR
I rolled the blue barrel up the ramp and it settled at the front of the truck bed with a small sloshing sound. I hopped down and West helped me roll the next one in. The rest of the first group started packing in the rest of the water, then loaded the supplies and our food stores.
The boxes I grabbed rattled as I picked them up and I suddenly realized just how valuable all of our ammunition had become. We couldn’t grow ammunition, we couldn’t scavenge it out of the woods. Ammunition had to be found in civilization and it had become nearly impossible to go into the cities. We were going to have to be even more careful than ever.
Sarah’s death seemed to have woken something back up in Gabriel. I had talked to Avian about it. He’d explained that more than likely, Gabriel had just snapped. He’d been trying to keep everyone alive for so long and finally, after recent events, he just couldn’t take anymore. But he was back to his old self, taking charge and making sure things were taken care of. It was he that had come up with our future means of leaving messages, just twelve hours before we were to leave.
“What are the Fallen?” Gabriel asked one day.
“The Fallen?” I asked, confused at his question.
Gabriel nodded. “The Fallen. What are they?”
“Robots.” West said. I hadn’t heard him approach us and jumped at his voice.
Gabriel nodded again, bending down to pick up a rock. “And what are they made of. What makes them tick?”
“Metal.” I said, watching him pass the rock from hand to hand. “Nanites. Pulses and currents. I don’t get what you are…”
“Exactly.” Gabriel interrupted. “They aren’t organic. Not anymore. They don’t see the world. Fallen don’t notice nature. The cybernetics in them only seek out human tissue, to spread itself. We’ll use nature to hide our messages.” He crouched to the ground, gathering stones that had any size to them. Carefully, he started stacking them, one on top of the other. “The Fallen won’t notice them. They will just see the rocks. But we, Eden, we will see the messages. They’re called cairns.”
“We could leave notes at the bases of them,” West said, his voice excited as he observed Gabriel’s work. “The things we’ve found, any warnings. If we place them under the stones the Fallen will never see them.”
“Exactly,” Gabriel said, his smile disappearing into his beard. “My wife has been copying the maps as exactly as she can for the last few weeks so we can leave locations. We run a smaller risk that we will be permanently separated that way. Pick a destination in the direction we are headed and let us know. We have our general direction but there is going to have to be room for change. Who knows what we’re walking in to.”
The work on the trailers was completed that night. The one that had been rusting away for years, left abandoned, was the one that the first group would take. The second one that Bill and Graye had brought back from the city would transport the second group. And if either of them failed to function, we always had our legs.
On our last night in Eden we feasted. At least a starvation feast. Food never tasted so wonderful as I helped myself to two rolls, a heaping scoop of canned corn and a baked potato. The thought to share my portions with Sarah flashed through my mind. Then I remembered.
I glanced down the table at Avian who sat talking hurriedly with Victoria, pointing at something in the book that was laid on the table before them. Not that it truly mattered, but her status and usability in Eden would be greatly increased if we ever all actually made it s
outh. She was going from seamstress to the other doctor.
The thought that that would free up Avian crossed my mind and the smallest of a smile tugged at my lips.
West sat next to me, wolfing down his food faster than he could chew it. I chuckled, shaking my head at him.
“What?” he said around a mouthful of bread. “I’m starving!”
“I know,” I said with a chuckle again.
“You going to finish yours?” he said, eying the remains on my plate.
“Yes,” I said as I raised my eyebrows at him. “I intend to finish every bite.”
He chuckled then. Underneath the table he gave my knee a small squeeze. My flesh tingled when he took his hand away.
We finished packing most everything that night. The members of the second group had to open their tents up to those in the first since everything had been loaded into the truck. I was glad I had watch duty that night; I wouldn’t have known how to handle that awkward situation.
I looked out over the tents that night. I realized that this place we were staying wasn’t Eden. Eden was wherever these people were, Eden was them. In this hellish world we had created our own utopia. I wondered if there were any other places like this that existed. It didn’t sound like it from what I had heard others say. How had I been so lucky to have come here?
Sarah wouldn’t have called it luck. To her it would have been fate. Maybe it was.
But Eden would be breaking up in the morning. Would it ever be fully put back together again? What were our numbers going to be like if it did? Who would be lost along the way?
I felt immensely relieved that we would finally be leaving. The event had loomed over us like a lightning cloud. We were all just waiting for it to strike. It would be nice to finally get it over with.
I made a resolution that night. By the time we reached our new location, if we reached it, I would have to have made my choice. Avian or West. I would pick or I wouldn’t let myself have either of them. We couldn’t continue like this. I couldn’t live with myself going on the way I was. And I didn’t even know if Avian still felt the same way.