“And what if the first group needs me?” he said as he looked at me sharply. “I can’t clone myself, Eve. I can’t be in both places. I’ll ask for a volunteer and train them in every way I can. There’s no other choice. I think it’s clear that the first group will be in the most danger, will be at the most risk. That’s where I feel I need to be.”
I heard the other implications in his voice from his last words. He also wanted to be there to watch me. Protect me, when it was I who was more capable of protecting him.
“If Eve is going with the first group, it would probably be best if Graye and myself went with the second group, to even things out more,” Bill said. “Gabriel can also go with us, since you’re going with the first group.” I was sure the same thing was running through everyone’s head: if Gabriel would ever be useful again
“That’s a good idea,” Avian nodded in agreement. “I suppose you can pick which group you want to go with,” he said to West, his jaw suddenly tightening up.
“I’m going in the first group,” he said without any hesitation. His eyes flicked up to mine. My stomach did a strange leap.
“Fine,” Avian said. “We’ll let the rest of Eden decide when they want to go, with some monitoring to make sure things are even.”
We disbanded with plans to scout for water containers and a time later that evening to meet with everyone in Eden to layout the plans. It was then that something occurred to me. If Avian was going with the first group, Sarah would have to come with us as well. From what I had just seen, I didn’t see any way she would be able to move. I didn’t think she would even be able to walk out of her own tent, much less survive the thousand miles or more that were ahead of us.
It was decided in which groups people would leave. Avian and Bill had monitored and made sure things would be even, that there was no one group that would be bigger than the other, that one group would not be left without someone to make sure everyone stayed fed or protected.
Something settled over Eden as our futures were laid out before us. Things were becoming more real, solid and tangible. People were starting to realize that this was actually going to happen. We were going to have to leave the place we had all called home. This had been their safe haven, the place they had fled the world to. And now we were leaving it behind.
The next morning, birds chirped annoyingly loud as I padded silently through the undergrowth. They were complaining about the heat as well. My eyes watched the lay of the land, images flashing through my mind.
As I stepped away from the trees I knew I had been going in the right direction. I was back at the cabin.
It felt like I was walking into a foreign land as I cautiously stepped through the front doors. The walls that surrounded me felt like a trap and I was the animal. I fought the urge to get back out into the open air. I felt half blind being in here.
The groan of floorboards sounded from one of the back rooms and I quickly crouched behind the dusty couch, my handgun held firmly in my clammy hands. As I heard steps approaching, I poked my head out from behind the couch. My eyes met a pair of worn brown boots.
“What are you doing here?” I said as I stood. The barrel of West’s shotgun was immediately pointed at my chest.
“Geeze, Eve!” he snapped as he jumped. He immediately lowered the gun. “I could have shot you! I don’t think even you could recover from a blow like that.”
“Probably not,” I mused, my eyes scanning my surroundings again. “How do you know about this place?”
“I scouted it out, same as you,” he said as he headed back to the other room. “I’m assuming this is the house you found all the food at?”
“Um hum,” I mumbled as I followed him. The room held two large white boxes that were hard sided and nearly as large as me. It also contained a sink, a few cupboards, and a small counter space. West opened the cupboards and my eyes grew wide as I recognized the round white bottles he started pulling out.
“Bleach,” I breathed. “I didn’t see it when I was here last. And look at those, they’ll be perfect for storing water,” I said as I spotted some empty plastic containers on the top shelf.
“Here,” West said as he pulled a length of rope out of his pack. “Tie them on for me.”
The containers secured to West’s pack, we searched the rest of the house for more but didn’t find anything useful. We headed outside and started pacing the perimeter.
“Look at these,” I said as four blue barrels that were nearly the same size as me came into view.
“Catchment containers,” West said, his voice hitching up a notch in excitement. “See that pipe that leads into the top of this one?” he said as his finger traced the line that ran along the roof line and dropped into the first barrel. “These one’s here connect them, it’s set up as a big containment unit but they would work individually. They’d hold probably 200 gallons between all of them.”
“They’re nearly empty,” I said as I knocked on the side of one. “We could each take one back with us tonight, bring the rest tomorrow. It’s nearly time to head back anyway.”
We got the catchment system unhooked and drained the rest of the dank smelling water out of them. It was then that I realized just how long it had been since it had rained.
It wasn’t easy maneuvering the barrels through the woods as we rolled them but it was worth every push. This was exactly what we needed.
The silence hung heavy over us as we moved, discomfort growing by the minute. I felt like I had two pieces of me inside regarding West. One part of me was constantly infuriated at the way he reacted to everything, the things he said, the way he looked at me. The other side wanted me to constantly move closer, to let him wake up the all too human side of me. Right then I wasn’t sure which Eve I was.
“Did you really mean it when you said that you couldn’t be around me?” West graciously broke the silence for me. I instantly knew what he was talking about and I wished for the silence back.
“Yes,” I answered simply as I maneuvered my barrel around a boulder.
“Then what was the other night about? Up on the watchtower?” he pressed as he followed behind me.
“A moment of human weakness,” I responded. I knew it was too harsh but I also knew West wasn’t fragile.
We were quiet for a while as we continued back toward Eden. “What is it that you want from me, Eve? What am I to you?”
I stopped short and turned my eyes on him. “Nothing. I don’t want anything from you. You’re my fellow soldier in his impossible war. What… what do you mean?”
“What went through your head when you suddenly pulled away that night?” he asked quietly.
I froze, recalling how I had seen Avian’s face. Part of me was human enough to try and not hurt West with that fact though. “What did you mean that night? You said you hated the way I looked at Avian? How do I look at him?” My insides felt like they were running in a circle at a stumbling sprint all the sudden.
West looked back at me, his eyes hard to read. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, his eyes dropping to the ground for a moment. “You have no idea what you want, do you?”
“What are you talking about?” I demanded, feeling frustrated. “The only thing I want is to survive, to have Eden survive.”
“No Eve,” he said as his eyes hardened as he shook his head once. “That’s not the only thing you want and you don’t even know it. You don’t think that I don’t see what is happening to you? I know you feel something when we’re together, that you crave more of it. If you didn’t it wouldn’t keep happening. But then there’s Avian. When you are around him, you’re different. You’re… yourself. You can’t stay away from him, unlike me, even when you’re furious with him.
“You want us both. And you don’t even know it,” he said more quietly. “But you also need to realize that you can’t have both.”
“I know that,” I whispered as I looked away from West and started pushing my barrel again.
“He’s too o
ld for you, you know that,” West said from behind me as he started pushing his barrel again. “It’s not normal.”
“And I’m a child?” I shot back.
“No, but you’re not a woman either. Avian should be with someone more like Victoria. He should be thinking about a family, of moving on with his life. You’re not ready for that are you?”
“And are you saying you’re better suited for me?” I said as I kept my eyes fixed before me.
“I don’t know. I’m not sure I’ll ever know until you know what you want.”
And that stuck in my mind the entire journey home. For once someone was giving me the option to think about what I wanted. Not what was needed or required, but what I wanted. I wasn’t sure I’d ever really wanted anything before. But it was then that I realized that I did want something. I just didn’t know what.
TWENTY-TWO
Everyone was ecstatic when we brought the barrels back and I sensed a small feeling of pride that I was part of the team that had brought them back. I found myself seeking Avian out to report the good news.
I heard his voice floating out from the open aired medical tent. Another voice joined his and they burst into a chorus of laughter. I slowed my approach, stepping behind a tent to conceal myself.
Avian stood next to Victoria, pointing to something in a book. He looked up at her and I watched as his eyes trailed over her red curls. I saw the light that danced in his eyes. His shoulder brushed against hers as he reached across the table for a gauze wrap. She held out her hand as he demonstrated his technique for stopping blood flow.
Victoria had volunteered to be Avian’s apprentice. They had been spending a lot of time together the last few days.
I swallowed hard as I turned and walked the other way. Did the light shine in Avian’s eyes when he looked at me? I had never noticed. Had he ever laughed with me the way he just had with Victoria?
West’s statement that Avian was in a different place in his life than I was reverberated in my brain. Had he been right? Was Avian too old for me? I didn’t feel young and I had never seen Avian as that much different than myself but the numbers were there. Did they matter?
Maybe he should be with someone like Victoria. Maybe he should have a family, have a son like Brady.
But could I handle seeing him with someone who wasn’t me? I’d never had to face that thought before. It made my stomach turn in a way I wasn’t familiar with.
The light burned away with the blazing heat of the day, a violent colored sky painted above our heads. Dinner was quiet as we quickly ate our small portions and set about our evening activities. Fires were built as the last of the day’s light faded away. I stood on the edge of the lake against the tree line, just watching.
Morgan, the woman who took care of our horse, walked to her husband Eli, placed a kiss on his forehead as she sat beside him. Gabriel wandered out of his tent, joining his wife Leah at the dining table where she talked to a few other women. Under the table he rested his hand on her knee, a brief moment of affection flashing in their eyes as they looked at each other.
Was that what love was? Brief touches and physical assurances of another’s presence? Or was it what that touch made you feel inside? Was it the impression that it left inside of you and stayed with you for as long as you would remember?
Would I ever understand what that word meant?
My stomach felt tight as I noticed the lack of Avian’s presence. He and Victoria had made a brief appearance at dinner before disappearing back into the lamp lit medical tent. Brady scampered around with Wix, laughing at the jokes his apparent babysitter made. The two of them had been spending a lot of time together with Victoria being so preoccupied with Avian.
My eyes found a lone figure, sitting hunched against the light of a small fire. My feet were moving toward it without my head thinking about it.
I sat on the log next to West, close enough my shoulder brushed his as I settled. He glanced over at me briefly. He held a long stick in his hands, stirring the coals that fell of the larger logs.
“Tell me about where you came from West,” I said as my eyes fixed on the flames. Something inside of me felt hollow and I craved something to fill it back in. “What happened after the infection? How did you come into my life after I left yours?”
He stared into the coals and I could envision the images that flashed before his eyes. But what things had he seen that I couldn’t imagine?
“My father Fell first,” he said, his voice low and rough. “It wasn’t any surprise I guess, working and operating on them like he did. He Fell in the second week of the spread. I was kept in solitary when my grandfather realized what has happening. I was locked away in our apartment by myself for two whole weeks.
“A few men broke in through the locked door,” West said as he shifted positions, resting his forearms on his knees. “They were wearing biohazard suits. As if that would have stopped the infection. They said that my grandfather had been infected but that he had told them to come and get me and transport me away. I grabbed my grandfather’s notebook before I was shoved out the door. They took me and a few others to a van and then we just drove. For days.”
I tried to bring up the images that I knew must be in my brain. Somewhere inside there must have been a record of this facility, of the scientists faces, of West’s. But there was nothing.
“I slept most of the drive but I could tell we were a long way from home. Finally, we were let out at a camp. It was very different than this one,” he said with his jaw suddenly stiff. “That camp was filled mostly with military personnel and government officials. I was the only teenager there.
“Everyone had a duty to perform. I suppose like here, but there it was your only reason for existing. They all knew who I was, who my family was. They never said it but they hated me for it. I scrubbed the dishes three times a day till my hands were raw and bleeding. For three years.”
The heat of the day finally gave way to the mercy of the night. A breeze picked up, ruffling my tied-back hair. My eyes ascended to the star dusted sky, resting on the moon as it shone with furious intensity.
“I couldn’t take it anymore,” West continued. “I gathered provisions and just left. I headed northeast, not really sure where I was going, but thinking that even getting infected was almost better than being treated the way I had been.”
I looked over at West with hard eyes. How could real life ever be worse than getting infected? What had they done to him for him to say that?
“I spent probably close to a month traveling on my own. I didn’t see another soul, not a single infected. It nearly drove me mad, being alone like that.
“And then I met two men who had been out hunting. They took what little food I had and brought me back to their camp. There were twenty or so of them. They were survivors but they weren’t a family like here. It was every man for himself first, help your fellow man stay alive second.
“But they knew how to survive. They taught me how to hunt, to survive in the woods. I owe them a lot I guess. They could have just killed me on sight out wandering in the woods,” he glanced over at me with awkward hints of a smile. I saw scars behind that smile. He dodged away from my probing stare back down at the fire.
“It was there that Victoria found us. She was beaten and could barely stand. She had Brady with her, not even able to walk yet. Brady had to grow up in the middle of that group. No child should ever have to learn to live in that setting.
“The group was out on a scouting duty, different from how we do it here. We were sent out in groups, all of us, to collect any food we could find and bring it back. Victoria and Brady were in my group, along with another man. That’s when the raid happened. We heard the blast, even from a few miles away. Our camp was gone. Soon we heard the helicopters and we knew the others were gone too.
“The man who was with us, he heard something coming up on us. He told me to take Victoria and Brady and run. He went back to keep them off our trail.”
> West was quiet after that, his eyes resting in the dirt at our feet. I knew the fate of the man who had saved them.
I realized then that life had never been easy for West. In a way he had been shunned his entire life. When he was a child, he had been shut out because of the fact that he was one. And then because everyone had known who he was. I couldn’t blame him for keeping his knowledge and information to himself.
The next morning we both had scouting duty, which meant hunting. Animals were becoming scarce as we brought down more and more of them. The sun blazed overhead, sweat dripped down our backs, and we kept our pace slow and steady.
West walked a few paces ahead of me and I watched him as he moved. He didn’t have the grace and agility that Avian moved with. West was a good two inches shorter as well. But West had a confidence about him that Avian didn’t. He was a self-involved person without being selfish. I wasn’t sure how to describe it but it was almost as if everything in his world was right there with him, contained in his head.
What was it that I felt for West? He could send sparks through me, make my pulse race. He evoked strong emotions in me, not always good ones.
Was that love?
I wished someone could fully explain it to me. I felt lost in this on my own.
I silently caught pace with West and slipped my hand into his. He gave a small glance down at our hands, the faintest hint of a smile cracking on his lips, and turned his attention back to the forest around us.
West’s hand felt warm in mine, his calloused skin rubbing mine. It was a steadying gesture almost, like there was a confidence attached to it that West would always keep me away from danger, even though I could protect myself.
But it didn’t bring on the sense of absolute belonging and comfort that Avian’s hand brought.
The following morning, I pulled West to a stop at the foot of a gigantic evergreen. I looked into his earth-colored eyes, looking for the answers I was desperate for. Was this love between us? A place inside of me hungered for him, wanted him in a selfish way and I listened without hesitation. His lips greeted mine.