When we finally returned to the dance,
Jesse and Travis had disappeared.
TRAVIS MOVES RIGHT BACK INTO MY PERSONAL SPACE,
His body heat permeating my senses,
Causing me to slide down the wall,
To draw my knees to my chest,
To close my eyes against the heavy darkness.
Trav joins me on the floor.
“Elly, I miss you.”
He breathes in,
The sound so familiar it makes me ache.
He closes his eyes,
Says, “I ride this elevator every day for hours,
Hoping you’ll get on.”
A sob rises in my throat;
I swallow hard to remain silent.
If Travis knew the depth of my deception,
He wouldn’t be begging to talk to me,
He wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say,
He wouldn’t love me anymore.
“I’ve been waiting on the roof, too.”
Now his voice is tight,
Straining at the seams.
“It’s okay to cry,” he whispers,
And I’m not sure if he’s talking to me or to himself.
“What do you think I’ve been doing the past five months?” I snap.
“With me, I meant.
Remember, you used to come over and cry with me all the time?
I miss that.”
I hate him then,
For the way he can say all those perfect things in that perfect voice,
And mean them.
I hate him
For missing me
When he shouldn’t,
For loving me
When Honesty—
I draw a shaky breath to end the thought,
To keep from cracking wide open.
“Trav, I—”
But there aren’t words to describe what I’ve done,
What I haven’t told anyone.
He leans against the wall next to me,
His shoulder touching mine.
It feels familiar,
Wonderful,
Like we can go back to being best friends.
But I know:
Some things can’t be reset.
AT THE PROM
Jesse’s knuckles dripped blood
Onto the front steps of the school,
Made splotches on the pavement
Like Halloween ghosts.
At the prom,
Trav muttered a half-explanation,
But Jesse clammed right up.
On the way home from prom,
Honesty did a good job stuffing the car full of words;
I offered two-word sentences every now and then;
Jesse said nothing.
On the way home from prom,
Trav wore his fury on his face,
Caught my eye in the rear-view mirror a dozen times.
As Trav drove off with Honesty,
I told Jesse “Good night,” as I keyed my way into the building,
My voice sailing through the air with such a chill the glass could’ve frosted.
Jesse followed me inside,
Exhaled in a look-at-me kind of way.
I turned to find him checking his texts,
Rolled my eyes,
Wondered how for a while there,
I had thought this date was better than staying home alone.
“Elly, wait,” Jesse said.
I stopped,
Waited.
Jesse’s jaw worked,
His fists clenched.
“Travis wants you to meet him on the roof later.”
The words hurt him,
I could tell.
The flame of anger in his eyes spoke volumes.
I felt the same fury.
“Tell him no thanks.”
Jesse moved in front of me,
Raked his fingers through his hair.
“Don’t you get it?”
He studied my face,
Which must have looked completely blank.
“Oh, crap. You don’t.”
He sighed,
Tucked his phone in his pocket,
Which said,
This conversation is more important than anything else I have going on,
The biggest compliment he could give.
“Jesse?” I asked,
Pinned him with my gaze,
Tried to read the lie in his eyes that wasn’t there.
He looked away,
Fisted his hands.
“He likes you.”
“We’re best friends,” fell from my lips,
The way stars fall from the sky.
He said, “He wants more,”
With something strangled in his tone,
Like jealousy all tangled up with hurt.
Everything was so quiet, yet so loud.
I heard the gentle whirring of the overhead fans as if they were
Jet engines.
The classical music floating in the lobby sounded like
A rock concert.
Jesse’s breathing wisped in and out of his mouth softly,
But heavy enough to chafe my eardrums.
“More?”
The word scratched through my throat,
But I didn’t remember telling my brain to say it.
I identified the defeat in Jesse’s voice the same way I heard the hope in mine.
“You’re blind. Both of you, so blind.
You think I don’t see the way you watch him all the time?
You think he’s pissed because I punched the wall?”
He threw his hands into the air,
Releasing the pent-up anger,
Causing me to flinch away from him.
“Whatever. I’m done here.”
He turned,
Strode toward the elevator.
I watched him go,
Frozen to the spot,
Trying to process what he’d said.
He wants more.
He wants more?
I HITCHED UP MY SKIRT,
Ran toward Jesse as the elevator doors slithered open.
“Wait!”
I made it inside before the doors closed,
Adjusted my dress so I was covered.
“Spill it, Jess.”
Jesse studied at his ruined knuckles,
Said nothing.
“What’s the deal? I can make you bleed some more.”
He slid a look my direction,
A half-smile curving his lips,
But not touching his eyes.
“Prove it.”
Swallowing, I removed my heels.
“Okay, but I should warn you that I almost broke Trav’s nose once.”
I hesitated before cocking my fist back.
He grabbed my wrist before I could make contact,
Pulled me close,
Whispered, “Damn, girl. No wonder Trav has it bad for you.”
I yanked my hand away,
Shoved him in the chest.
“Shut up.”
Jesse grabbed me again,
This time harder,
His eyes wild,
His breath coming quick.
“I want—”
He pushed me against the wall,
And for one horrible moment,
I thought he’d hit me.
My heart pounded in my throat,
His hand felt so hot around my wrist,
His body too heavy against mine.
He pressed so close,
I could barely tilt my head to look at him.
“Jesse—”
“I want to kiss you,” he said,
His voice thick,
Hoarse.
“Real bad.”
I swallowed,
Thought of what his lips against mine would feel like.
My eyes flickered to his mouth,
And when I looked back to his eyes,
I found a mix of e
motions—desire,
Anger,
Hurt,
Frustration.
I was breathing hard,
My chest rising and falling too fast against Jesse’s.
He finally lowered his head,
His lips drawing dangerously close to mine.
He bypassed my mouth,
Brushed his lips along my jaw,
Whispered, “I think my cousin might slit my throat while I sleep if I do this.”
I couldn’t make sense of his words
Before he stepped back,
Released my wrist,
Gave me space.
He turned away so I couldn’t see his face,
This thing between us big and bloated,
And entirely unfair.
I didn’t want to hurt Jesse,
But I didn’t want to kiss him either.
“Jesse…”
Seconds passed,
Heavy and long.
He didn’t turn around as he said,
“You’re too good for him,”
With a hitch on the last word.
His voice carried so much emotion;
Tears gathered behind my eyes.
I blinked them down.
I’d been so focused on Trav,
I hadn’t even noticed Jesse standing there.
I didn’t know what to say to make this right.
“But he needs you,” Jesse said,
His voice pitching higher,
His fists unclenching.
“He needs you.”
“Sometimes need isn’t enough,” I said,
My voice raw,
Alien.
I knew Trav needed me.
I wanted him to want me.
The way Jesse did.
“I know,” he said,
Finally turned around again.
The agony on his face made the edges of my heart bleed.
“But he doesn’t have anyone else.”
I nodded,
Accepted his willingness to give Travis what he wanted.
I needed to tell Jesse I wouldn’t change;
We’d still game in the afternoons;
I’d meet him on the roof.
“Jess—”
“While you were in the bathroom,
I made the mistake of telling Trav I was gonna kiss you goodnight.
That’s why he flipped out.”
Several seconds passed before I said,
“Give me your phone.”
He handed it over,
Leaned against the wall,
Watched me with those eyes that held the same pain as Trav’s.
I checked his text messages.
From Trav: make sure she gets home safe
Then: u touch her, u die
And finally: ask her to meet me on the roof later
My eyes felt too hot,
Like the texts had burned them.
Meet me on the roof later.
When the elevator arrived at fourteen,
I handed Jesse his phone,
Slid my fingers between his,
Left my high heels on the floor,
Stood on tip-toe to kiss him.
My lips against his cheek said,
I don’t want to hurt you,
I’m sorry.
His grip on my waist was painful,
And when he walked away,
A piece of me went with him.
“TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE THINKING,”
Travis says in the elevator, interrupting my memories.
“Prom,” escapes before I can think.
“Me too,” he says, undoing my every thought,
My every barrier.
I’m broken inside, and only he can fix me.
Only he can hold me and offer the comfort I need,
The comfort he wasn’t there to give when I needed it.
Only he can replace the pieces
I once had,
And lost.
But I don’t want him see all those shards.
I don’t even let Dr. Tickson see them.
No one can know what’s written in shame across my life,
The splintered corners that cut me up inside,
But with time and distance
I know the edges will dull.
They have to.
No one can live with this much shame,
This much pain,
Forever.
My stomach feels folded over on itself;
I swallow the urge to throw up.
When I leave Chicago,
I’ll leave everything—including Trav—behind.
I have to.
I feel Trav’s eyes on me,
Remember the way my name sounds in his heated voice,
Relive the taste of his mouth in mine,
The warmth of his body against mine.
“We can start with prom if you want,” he says.
I don’t want to start anywhere,
But I can’t help it.
My mind automatically flows back to that night on the roof.
AFTER PROM,
I waited on the roof for a long time
For Trav to show up.
After prom,
He smelled like Honesty’s perfume,
Causing whatever hope had bloomed with Jesse’s texts
To wither into curling wisps of smoke.
“Hey,” he said, breathlessly,
Like he’d taken eighteen flights of stairs instead of the elephant elevator,
Like he’d been rushing to see me.
After prom,
He put his arm around my shoulders,
And just like that,
I leaned into him.
After prom,
I blinked;
Honesty appeared behind my eyes,
Looking at me with hurt,
Betrayal,
Loathing.
“I don’t know why I cared about prom,” I said.
“Girls care about that kind of stuff,” Travis said.
“I guess,” I said. “Honesty does.”
He stiffened,
Just barely,
Almost imperceptibly,
But I knew him.
I knew the way he stood with his feet just so,
The way his hands fit into his pockets,
The way his shoulders squared,
Everything.
“Yeah.” He exhaled. “She does.”
He sounded as tired as I felt,
As confused as me,
As lost.
Did he have a raging storm of guilt swirling in his chest?
Did he think about breaking up with Honesty?
Did he know Jesse needed a friend the same way he did?
I didn’t know;
I couldn’t reason it all out.
I wondered why I didn’t change before coming up here.
Maybe because there was nothing worse than being alone,
And I didn’t want to go to my empty apartment,
Not even long enough to slip into jeans.
“Well, I’m dead tired,” I said.
“I’m gonna go… home, I guess.”
“You can sleep at my place.”
“In this?” I gestured to the second-skin that was my dress.
He licked his lips. “Sure. Or out of it. Whatever.”
I stared at him,
Hope building in my bloodstream again.
He maintained eye contact,
Opened his mouth a little.
One hand found its way to my waist,
The other slid tenderly over my face.
His body pressed against mine,
And I tilted my head back to keep looking at him.
“Elly, I like you.”
“Prove it,” I murmured,
My body singing with possibilities.
His eyes closed just a split second before his mouth met mine.
My lips screamed in joy to finally be with his,
A tingle shivered from my throat to my feet.
Time solidified and in that moment,
It was just the two of us,
Together.
WHEN I KISSED TRAVIS
He was still Honesty’s.
When I kissed Travis,
His mouth was warm and alive
In a way that made the confusion inside me order itself.
When I kissed Travis,
I could feel the intensity
Of his soul through his lips.
Just remembering that feeling makes me lightheaded.
The euphoria is quickly followed by guilt.
Crippling,
Rippling,
Gripping
Guilt.
Because I killed Honesty
When I kissed Travis.
IN THE ELEVATOR, I SAY,
“You can’t find me,”
Feel the weight of the words,
The truth heavy in my mind,
On my tongue.
Trav murmurs in that sweltering voice of his,
“I know the places you hide.”
SITTING LIKE THIS,
With silence between us,
Simply existing together,
Reminds me so much of last year.
Everything with Trav was easy,
Natural,
Casual.
I didn’t have to try to be someone I’m not.