He didn’t have to explain things he’d rather forget.
Now, I spend all my time trying to disappear.
He devotes hours to riding elevators,
Trying to glimpse the ghost of a girl who doesn’t exist.
HE WHISPERS SOMETHING,
But the words don’t register,
Because all I can hear is the last time he whispered to me
In that smooth, rounded voice of his.
“CAN YOU SNEAK OUT?”
Trav’s voice quivered over the phone line,
Sending a similar tremble through my limbs.
Midnight had come and gone an hour ago,
Our first kiss, six days old.
His mom must’ve come home,
Finally.
I wondered if she’d brought a paycheck,
Or just more excuses,
More problems,
More reasons for Travis to look at her and wonder if
She cared more about her next fix
Than she did about him.
If his apartment suffocated him when he was alone,
It strangled him with her within the walls.
“Maybe.”
I drew the word out,
Trying to decide if being alone together was a good idea,
Trying not to relive his lips against mine,
Trying not to leap out of bed and reach for my jacket.
If I met him on the roof,
We’d be alone for the first time since our kiss last weekend.
I’d worked hard not to be alone with Trav.
I’d spent afternoons with Honesty,
Jesse rode with us to school in the mornings,
And I’d faked a cough on Thursday when Jesse overslept.
The connection between Trav and I felt so tangible,
I could barely stand to be in the same room as him
Without shouldering an uncontrollable need to touch him,
Breathe him in,
Kiss him.
Apart, I could pretend
That what had happened was just a mistake,
An error we’d never repeat,
Never talk about,
Never even think of.
“Please?”
Desperation filled his voice,
Stemmed from more than simply wanting to see me,
Breathe with me,
Kiss me.
“See you in ten minutes.”
I hung up,
Slid out of bed,
Wondered how in the world I could pick the perfect outfit in only ten minutes.
My mind flashed to Honesty,
How she would know exactly what to wear
For a secret midnight meeting
With a
Forbidden
Boy.
THE STAB OF GUILT STARTS SLOWLY,
Behind my eyes,
Before spreading through my traitorous mouth to my tingling lips.
The ones aching to meet Trav’s again.
Now,
And then.
Will I wake from the nightmare that is my life?
And if I do, how will I know?
I’ll still have these secrets inside,
Eating, eating, eating
Away at anything that might help me wake up.
The secrets consume me,
Force me into isolation,
Into a place where I can’t breathe,
Where no one else can either.
No one can come here,
No one can see,
No one, no one, no one.
Especially not Travis.
If he finds me, he’ll learn everything.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I’d asked myself,
All those months ago.
I remember the navy blue shirt I’d held in my hand.
I’d picked it up because I thought it would blend
With the not-quite-dark night we experienced in the city
All those months ago.
“You can’t do this,”
I whispered to my reflection,
A portrait of someone I hardly recognized,
Someone who betrayed best friends by kissing boys and keeping secrets
All those months ago.
“He’s not your boyfriend.”
But he needs you. You don’t have to kiss him.
I’d lied to myself,
To my mom,
To Honesty.
To everyone,
All those months ago.
Because I wanted to kiss Travis.
Oh, I wanted to.
And I knew that the tether between us would pull,
Pull,
Pullpullpullpull me toward him until I stood in his arms,
Until his fingers filled the spaces between mine,
The way they had
All those months ago.
I wasn’t strong enough to resist that magnetic force,
Because I didn’t want to be strong enough
All those months ago.
MY MOTHER SLEPT ON THE COUCH,
Because she didn’t want to erase my dad’s scent
In their bedroom.
My only option to get to the roof:
The fire escape—
In their bedroom.
When I opened the door,
The smell of Dad’s aftershave hit me straight in the gut,
And I questioned my actions like I never had before.
One of his military uniforms hung in the open closet,
Starched,
Commanding.
I pictured him standing before me,
Wearing his classic I’m so disappointed in you face.
But he wasn’t there,
And I couldn’t breathe in his scent of warmth,
Cool eucalyptus,
Desert sand,
For another second.
“ELLY.”
Now,
In the elevator,
Travis’s fingers still fit between mine,
Still fill the empty spots in my hands perfectly.
“I didn’t mean to make life harder for you.”
I want to tell him I know that,
Want to tell him all the things I haven’t dared,
All the truths he should know.
The words curl in my gut and stay there,
Rotting.
I squirm,
Try to settle the nausea that’s been plaguing me since the power went out.
“I’m in love with you,” he whisper-says,
“And I don’t know how to stop.”
The longing in his voice is so deep I can’t hear the bottom of it.
That ever-present cord between us yanks me toward him.
I lean my head on his shoulder,
The words boiling,
Bubbling,
Seething.
“I love you, too.”
His shoulders shake as he cries silently.
Trav never cries,
Never.
He calls me to the roof,
He yells at Jesse,
He disappears inside himself.
But he doesn’t cry.
I don’t know how to fix this.
My only solution is to leave Chicago,
Go to California where no one knows me,
Where I can start over,
Where I can be whoever I want to be.
Maybe this shouldn’t be fixed,
I think, and suddenly,
My hand feels wrong in Trav’s,
My muscles force me to scoot away from him,
Pressing my forehead to the metal wall so I don’t have to face him.
“I’m leaving.”
“I’ve heard,” he says, composing himself.
“California. UCLA.”
“Soon,” I add.
Not soon enough , I think,
Contemplate skipping finals to hop on the first bus that rolls by.
STANDING ON THE F
IRE ESCAPE,
My mind screamed for me to go back to bed,
But my body silenced that with memories of Travis’s arms around me,
His fingers in mine,
His lips along my throat.
All I could think was:
Honesty, Honesty,
What are you doing?
Will you kiss him?
I hope he kisses me.
Honesty,
Honesty,
Honesty,
Honesty.
I WENT BACK INSIDE,
Dialed Jesse’s number,
Waited for him to pick up.
“Trav needs you,” I said,
Softly, so I wouldn’t wake my mom.
“He’s on the roof.”
I sat on my bed,
Watched the moonlight shiver in the wind,
Thought about my dad and how he’d be proud of me.
Before he left, he took me to my favorite restaurant,
Frontera Grill.
Over spicy tortillas he told me he’d miss me,
That he loved me,
That everything would be fine while he was gone.
He told me I could tell him anything,
At any time.
He asked me to be responsible,
To help Mom,
To be brave.
Since he’d been deployed,
I hadn’t felt brave once.
Leaving Trav on the roof felt painful,
Necessary,
Brave.
The same way my dad’s assignment felt to him.
THAT NEXT MONDAY BEFORE SCHOOL,
Trav showed up at my apartment,
Alone.
He leaned against the wall like he was waiting for the EL.
When I opened the door,
He straightened,
Tried to erase the pain in his eyes before I saw it.
But I did see it,
And he’d never tried to hide it before.
“I’m sorry,” we said together,
Smiled at the same time,
Moved toward each other simultaneously.
His arms around me felt safe;
Mine around him felt weak.
“You have a girlfriend,” I said.
“I know,” he replied,
“But I’m going to change that.
Today.”
He pulled me toward the elevator,
Chatted about his craptastic weekend,
Explained that because of his mom,
He and Jesse had stayed in a hotel.
In the elevator,
Our mouths reached,
Searched to find each other.
After that,
All thoughts but him and me,
Me and him,
Vacated my mind.
I kissed him until I thought my lips would bruise.
Surely my mom would see.
Honesty.
Jesse.
Everyone at school.
They’d all know what I’d been doing,
And with whom,
Because Trav’s lips would be just as stained.
Finally, he pulled away,
Took part of his sunshine with him.
I realized that I hadn’t once had to flip a coin,
Sing a stupid nursery rhyme,
Play a childhood game,
To decide if I should join him in the elevator.
I knew for the first time,
In a long time,
What I wanted.
“Thanks,” I said,
Ducked my head to avoid his thoughtful eyes.
“For what?”
I couldn’t say the words out loud.
Besides, he already knew about my eenie, meenie, miney, mo issues.
Trav slid his hands in my back pockets,
Pulled me as close,
Felt around.
Just as I was about to protest, he said,
“No coins. Huh.”
“You have your hands on my butt.”
“Prove it,” he replied,
Grinned so wide I thought his face would split.
“But seriously, no coins.”
“No bubble gum, either.”
“Guess you know what you want.”
It sounded harsh said out loud,
Especially in Travis’s voice.
I stepped away from him,
A pin of guilt pushing further into my heart.
No matter what he said,
No matter his intentions,
He hadn’t said anything to anyone yet.
He still belonged to someone else.
No, not someone else.
To Honesty.
My best friend.
“What kind of person am I?”
I moved to the corner of the elevator,
Hoped to find the answer reflected in the shiny surface.
Trav joined me,
Stood behind me,
Wrapped his arms around my stomach.
“Thank you for sending Jesse.
My mom was wasted,
She raided my wallet without even saying hello.”
“I’m sorry,” I murmured,
Wondered if it was for him,
For Honesty,
Or for myself.
I’D SEEN HONESTY AFTER SCHOOL,
And she hadn’t looked happy.
She hadn’t looked unhappy either.
Maybe just angry.
I’d called her,
Kept my voice light,
My invitation to wander the department stores at the mall carefree.
She hadn’t called back;
I didn’t stay home.
Video games at Trav’s apartment kept me until six.
Jesse left for work just before Trav’s mom got home.
Trav and I spent those five minutes tangled together on the couch,
Laughing,
Whispering.
When the lock clicked,
I leapt up,
Trav grabbed the Xbox controller.
His mom entered,
Looked at me with some measure of recognition,
Said, “Travis?”
“Yeah, Ma,” he said from the couch behind me.
“You remember Elly from upstairs.”
With the mention of my name,
Familiarity bloomed in her expression.
“Maybe she can help you clean up this mess.”
“Yeah, sure,” I said,
Noticed her bloodshot eyes,
Her pasty skin,
Her disheveled hair.
She might have been pretty in earlier years,
Before the unwanted son,
Before the string of dead-end jobs,
Before the drugs.
Trav’s mom dropped her bag,
Kicked off her shoes,
Shuffled down the hall into the bathroom.
She moved with exhaustion,
Like the world weighed her down.
I had the door open and one foot in the hall before Trav asked,
“Roof, midnight?”
MIDNIGHT DIDN’T CARE ABOUT MY NERVES,
My questions,
My guilt.
It came and went,
And I still hadn’t ducked through the window to the fire escape.
Should I?
I shouldn’t.
I knew I shouldn’t.
Why not?
When I asked myself that,
I decided.
Honesty was why not,
But she wasn’t here for Trav.
He needed someone.
AFTER WE MET,
After we viewed the night sky through tinted lenses,
After we talked about his mother,
Jesse,
My dad.
After he kissed me urgently,
Hungrily,
Like we might be able to make up for the kiss-less week apart,
I’d crawled through the window,
Shut and latched it.
Then Mom said,
“Eleanor Livingston, where have you been?”
I LOST MY FREEDOM
Because of a rooftop kiss.
I lost my freedom
Because Mom refused to let me stay home alone.
I lost my freedom
Because Mom suddenly knew all my grades,
Screened the phone calls,
Switched her shift to days so she could be home at night.
Then she scheduled
A Skype chat
With
Dad.
EVEN THEN, MOM WORE LINES ON HER FACE,
Trenches filled with worry for my dad,
Love for my little brothers,
Concern over me and whether or not I would turn out okay,
If we were safe while she saved lives at the hospital.
She looked so much like me.
Light features,
Thick hair,
Deep, blue pools for eyes.
Eyes that searched,
Watched,
Noticed every little thing,
Like mine.
“Mrs. Hostettler isn’t doing well,” Mom said,
Wiping the counter after dinner
While I put away the leftovers.
She talked about her patients
Like they were people I should know,
People I should care about,
People I should cry over.
She did those things.
She monitored more than their health,
Took them flowers,
Read to them if no one came to visit.