Internally, I was fuming to the point that I was actually surprised there wasn’t steam flaring from my nostrils. Still, I kept my cool and maintained a casual conversation with Stacie and Becca. I couldn’t believe that I had just discovered that Nico was popping pseudo-ephedrine as if they were Pezz candies.
Legal or not, everyone knew that the small pills were often abused as a mild form of speed. Once ingested they would speed up your heart rate, giving you an incredible amount of jacked up energy. When abused, they could cause heart problems, including heart attack, panic attack, breathing problems and a vast amount of other drug related side effects.
No matter how much Nico wanted to pretend that it was no big deal, I knew exactly how bad they were, and in my mind, drugs were drugs, no matter their disguise.
Then as if that was enough, he had tried to make it out like I was over-reacting and being a drama queen. What he was really doing-was turning it back on me, hoping the distraction would cause me to doubt my motives and therefore take the attention off of him.
It was an obvious tactic and I refused to succumb to it. The only thing that I could agree with was that the party was not the place to address it, so I put on a happy face and carried on with being a congenial party guest.
I kept an eye on him from a distance over the next hour as he blended into the party.
NICO: Some jerk that I didn’t recognize showed up carrying a sixpack of beer under his arm and Roshell rushed over, clearly excited to see him.
He was of medium height but fairly stocky. When he wrapped his arms around Roshell in a much too friendly manner, I instantly disliked him. She had gone from furious with me, to beaming with pleasure while she chatted his ear off.
Jealous? No. Yeah. Maybe. Doesn’t matter. I’m putting a stop to it regardless.
Nico stepped up next to me and wrapped a possessive arm around my shoulder. “Hey, Roshell, who’s your friend?” he asked.
I recognized the typical male jealousy and territorial behavior, and simply shrugged Nico’s arm off. “Matt, this is Nico. Nico, this is Matt. We were very good friends my senior year, when I first moved up to Washington. He moved away and joined the job corps for a year, so I haven’t seen him in a long time,” I explained.
The intended meaning, which was that we were only friends, was thick in my statement but I had to only look at the way Nico was all but foaming at the mouth to know that he wasn’t easily convinced.
He reached out his hand and greeted Matt, just as our host for the evening came bounding in. She grabbed Matt by the hand, dragging him into the living room and presenting him to the crowd of people that he hadn’t seen in a year.
As Matt begrudgingly left my side, Nico glanced at me. His voice was tight. “Look, I want to get out of here. You can come or you can stay, but I’m leaving.”
I could hear the angry undertones that he was trying to mask, and knew that I had a choice to make: I could either stay, and watch him walk out the door without me, which would probably dissolve any further chances of our relationship developing, or I could go with him and we could hash out the issues that were bubbling under the surface, waiting to explode.
“Let me get my coat,” I answered as I accepted the challenge.
The drive to his apartment was silent, and the air was heavy with the words left unsaid.
When Nico pulled into the apartment parking lot, I finally broke the silence, no longer able to keep my anger contained. “You know, you have a lot of nerve, putting on the jealous boyfriend act, and making it out like I was doing something wrong, when you’re the one I caught popping pills tonight,” I huffed.
Nico didn’t even acknowledge my comment; he simply crashed the gearstick into park, and marched out of the truck, slamming the door behind him. Instead of opening my door, he stomped to his front stoop, and unlocked the front door, leaving it cracked open, for me to find my own way inside.
I sat in the cab of the pickup, fuming for another minute, my chest heaving in anger before I opened my door and followed him into his apartment.
He was in the kitchen, chugging a glass of water, when I stepped in and closed the door behind me. “Is that more of your pills?” I accused nastily.
Nico banged the glass down on the counter, and marched into the living room with a deadly look on his face. “You wanna go a few rounds about this with me, Roshell? Fine, let’s do this.” No one had ever confronted me in such a manner before but I was ready, years worth of rage bubbling to the surface.
I moved slightly forward meeting his challenge. “Fine, I want to know why you take those drugs. And I want you to know that if you want to be with me, I won’t tolerate it. I have a child to think about,” I exclaimed in a no- nonsense tone with my finger jutted in the air, emphasizing my announcement.
Nico crossed his arms over his chest in a manner that stated that he was not one to be told what to do. He was a man that answered to no- one. “Look, Roshell, I take them because I have been burning the candle at both ends and they help me keep going. I have been putting in twelve to fourteen hour days since I was promoted to manager of the I.T department at the casino. You would think that after putting in days like that, I would fall into bed every night exhausted and sleep like a baby, but I don’t. My mind doesn’t shut off. I lie there and go through the day’s events and problems over and over again and I’m lucky if I fall asleep by three or four in the morning.
“I get up and do it all over again the next day and by noon I’m exhausted and can’t think straight. My job is extremely stressful and requires me to be able to problem solve any technical issue that comes my way in a timely fashion so that gaming and revenue isn’t impacted. I take them only when I am really tired and need to get through the rest of the day.”
I listened and though I understood what he was saying, I was still adamant that pills were not the answer. “You know what I think? I think that there are lots of people with stressful jobs and insomnia that manage without popping ephedrine.
“My job may not be as stressful and demanding as yours, but I bust my ass doing it. Then I go home and take care of my daughter and our home. I’m completely exhausted. I know what it’s like to be up with a sick baby all night, and then have to go to work the next day.
“I have been a single parent for over a year now, and don’t know of many other jobs that are as self-sacrificing, so don’t tell me about being tired. I’m not the one to have a pity party to about how hard life is. You take drugs and your excuse as to why, is nothing more than a pathetic cop out.” I couldn’t believe that I had just spoken to him in such a manner and was shocked, but refused to budge on my position.
Something dangerous flickered over his features then he clenched his jaw. He’d apparently never had anyone be so forthright in their opinions and expectations. It seemed to me, from our discussions about his past relationships, that he purposely chose to date girls with meeker personalities. He filled his life with work and drinking with the guys, and the girls had only the scraps of what was left of his free time. Well, hell with that! I wasn’t quiet or meek and was damned if I was going to change for him!
Nico was silent as he processed my emphatic retort before responding. “You have a lot of nerve, flirting around with some guy right in front of my face, and then coming into my apartment and telling me that I’m copping out of my responsibilities,” he bellowed.
“I wasn’t flirting with him you jerk. We used to be very good friends and I hadn’t seen him in a year. Besides I know that this is just some lame attempt to detract from the real situation here,” I yelled back and it felt good.
At this point, he was standing so close that I had to tip up my chin to continue to look him in the face. He was looming over me, and as our anger escalated with our argument, he kept stepping in closer, forcing me to slowly back up, until my back was pressed up against the front door. I started to feel claustrophobic and scared as his anger intensified, but refused to show him that I was feeling intimidated. Th
rough clenched teeth, I said, “Get out of my face right now, Nico. I don’t appreciate this macho asshole display of yours. You’re just like every other man who wants to throw his weight around.”
Nico eased back only slightly. “What the hell do you know about a real man, Roshell? You never even knew your father, your ex-husband is a twenty-one-year old child, and the one other man in your life shot himself in the head.”
NICO: Whoa, I went way too far on that one! I knew the minute that the words flew out of my mouth that I had stooped to all time low proportions, hitting below the belt.
Before I could even think, my body was reacting. My fist landed high on his left cheekbone, just under his eye.
He stepped back, stunned, his expression flat as he taunted me, “Is that all you got?”
NICO: Fuck! I can’t believe she punched me.
I’ve been slapped once years ago, but never has a chick just straight-up punched me in the face.
I couldn’t decide if I wanted to put her over my knee and spank her or if I wanted to laugh and cheer her on for giving me what I had obviously deserved.
I stepped back and covered my mouth in shock, mortified that I had actually punched him. I hadn’t hit anyone since my junior year in high school when I had scrapped on the bus with my arch enemy, Stephanie.
I couldn’t believe that I had let my anger get the best of me and actually resorted to violence. Though I was still stinking mad, I felt ashamed. “I’m so sorry that I hit you, I can’t believe that I did that. I don’t usually do that sort of thing,” my tone became defensive, “but you deserved it! If you hadn’t been bullying me, I wouldn’t have freaked out like that.”
Nico was looking at me through his good right eye as his left eye was clamped shut and continued to water. I startled when he began to, softly chuckle. “You’re right. I had that one coming. I hit below the belt and I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry, Roshell,” he said as he pressed his palm to his eye.
I wasn’t sure exactly how to handle his sudden shift in mood and merely stood there, frozen in place, processing the little scene we had created since entering the apartment.
Nico shuffled over to the couch where he slowly lowered himself down, leaned back and closed his eyes. “Come over here. Sit by me, please.”
I marched to the kitchen and pulled out an ice pack before joining him on the couch. I gently placed the ice to the already purplish shiner that was forming just under his left eye. “I really am sorry. Whenever, anyone gets in my face like that, it just brings up some old baggage for me and I react. I promise that I won’t ever do that again,” I said pathetically.
Nico gave a sideways glance, then reached out and pulled me to him, embracing me as he spoke, “We all do things we regret in the heat of the moment. I tend to say nasty things, when I get too upset. I was so angry because I knew that everything you were saying was right.
“I am using my work stress as a cop out. I really want to do good at this new job. I know that those pills are the wrong way to deal with it. If there are any pills I should be taking, it should be doctor–prescribed to help me sleep at night.” He pulled back slightly and tipped up my chin so that our eyes met. The sincerity I saw in his was genuine. “I promise that I won’t ever take them again, okay?” he said.
We hadn’t known each other very long, but I sensed that he was a man of his word and would never make a promise that he couldn’t keep. “Okay,” I answered slowly.
“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked. “I will, but I was hoping you would spend the night as we’d planned.”
“No, I don’t want to go home, yet.”
I shivered when he brushed his finger down my cheek. “Then you’ll stay?”
I looked into his eyes and knew there was no-where I’d rather be despite the heated argument that had just ensued between us. “I’ll stay.”
*
The next morning after we showered, he made breakfast and I felt him searching my face, gauging whether I was still with him or if I’d pulled away. We were both silently aware that the night we had just shared had been a defining moment in our relationship. We challenged each other on a fundamental level, and both had defiantly stood our ground, refusing to back down. We had earned each others respect and recognized that though the road ahead might not be easy, we were both willing to take the next step forward and see where it led.
Chapter 29
For six months, Nico and I dated. We saw each other as often as our busy schedules permitted.
Marissa quickly wrapped him around her little finger and I knew that he was beginning to want the child in his life just as much as he wanted her mother.
I was slowly opening my heart again as he continuously proved that he cared for both me and Marissa and wasn’t planning on going anywhere. I learned that he could be moody and dark at times and I would become anxious, wondering if it was a sign that he had tired of the relationship. But each time, he always managed to break his ominous mood with his off-beat, silly humor and the next thing I knew he would be back to his fun-loving behavior.
At first these mood swings led to some very heated arguments. With such strong personalities, we both refused to lose an argument and insisted on pushing the other to their limits. We would spat back and forth in loud, angry voices, refusing to give in, until one stormed off in a huff. Then an hour later, we would swallow our looming pride and offer an apology.
The relationship was dynamic as we consistently challenged one another, calling each other on our misgivings. But in the end, we always kissed and made up and it was the first time that I had witnessed, much less taken part in, a man and a woman working it out, sticking it out. I had no idea that it could be done and that it could be so rewarding.
Nico invited Marissa and me to his apartment for his famous spaghetti. I was clearing the table and washing the dinner dishes when he came up behind me and nuzzled my neck.
I giggled and squirmed but kept my hands gripped tightly around the plate to keep it from slipping and breaking. I nearly dropped it anyway, when he leaned closer and whispered in my ear, “You should live with me.”
Stunned, I turned off the water and gently set the plate in the sink before I turned around to face him. “What did you say?”
Nico placed his palms on the counter on each side of me, penning me in. It struck me funny, like I might try to run or something. But isn’t that what I usually did?
“I said that you should live with me,” he repeated. “You and Marissa should move in.” He stared into my wild eyes, daring me to take that next leap of faith.
My stomach flip-flopped and I thought of a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t. I also thought that that was always my typical response. I wanted to pull away, but knew that it was for all the wrong reasons. I truly cared for Nico and didn’t want to push him away when I was sure that I should be pulling him close. I glanced toward Marissa scribbling happily on a scratch piece of paper with a pen that Nico had rustled up for her, then looked back at him, “Okay,” I said simply, but my head was pounding. I turned around without another word, switched the hot water back on and finished doing the dishes before I could change my mind.
*
The three of us quickly settled into a comfortable routine and I had to admit that something about it just felt right.
One afternoon, Rosie and I met up for a lunch date so that Rosie could share all the juicy details about her newest relationship.
I listened eagerly as she rambled along explaining how she had met Justin at a fundraiser event on campus.
I was beaming, watching how animated and happy Rosie appeared to be as she talked about her new boyfriend, and was so excited for her.
Rosie always had a tendency to fall for either the bad boy type, or for the guy that saw her as another one of the guys and ‘just wanted to be friends’. Meanwhile, she was practically repulsed by all of the really decent guys that pursued her.
I knew it. She knew it. It was a phenomenon that we
recognized and accepted.
But this was different. I was relieved to hear that she was finally interested in someone who was just as smitten with her and treated her well, lavishing her with attention. And she, for once, was eating it up instead of slapping it back in his face. It was definite progress.
The conversation shifted gears when I shared with Rosie that Sabrina had called just the week before. Her husband had been re-assigned to Washington, and they were scheduled to move back from Germany in another six months. She squealed. I squealed with her. We were ecstatic. Nothing had been the same without Sabrina’s brash humor and we had missed her greatly. She wasn’t even fully apprised of everything that had happened over the last few years because phone calls were so expensive. We kept details to a minimum and sent the occasional letter but desperately wanted see one another again.
“I can’t wait to see that girl,” said Rosie. “It’s been too long.” She paused, gave me a long stare. “What about you? What have you been up to these past few weeks? We haven’t talked as much since you moved in with Nico.”
It was true. Between our busy schedules we had not had time to catch up. “Well, let’s see. I signed up for school.”
“What? That’s great? I had no idea. When? I mean… what are you going to study?”
Her smile was huge and genuine and even though I had been so hesitant before, I was suddenly caught up in her enthusiasm.
I laughed. “I just registered last week. Nico was actually the one who finally convinced me to do it. I had been toying with the idea for months but he was the one who gave me the courage to actually commit.
“As for what I’m going to study… I’m still not sure… maybe nursing, maybe journalism. All I know is that when I was younger, I always promised myself that I would break the cycle of poverty in my family and I haven’t really done that yet. I’m working steady, paying bills, and my daughter has what she needs, but I know that I can do better, I have to do better.”