Rosie sat quiet. “You’re scared. I can see it. But you will do it anyway.”
I sighed. “I’m scared out of my mind. No one in my family has a college degree. I would be the first. But yes, I will do it anyway.”
She nodded and sipped her ice tea then redirected the conversation. “So, how’s the live-in situation going?”
I had been waiting for her to ask. “It’s going surprisingly well. I keep wondering when its going to go south but it doesn’t. We still seem to be working out little kinks as we learn about each other. Man, he can be frustrating. But then again, I’m not exactly easy to get along with either. I don’t really know how he puts up with me.
“He’s completely taken with Marissa and she thinks the world of him. She still sees Graham once a week but I really feel like she and Nico have developed their own father/daughter relationship at this point. It’s crazy because I never had a dad around and now my daughter has two who can’t seem to get enough of her. I always wonder who I would have been, had I known that kind of positive fatherly relationship.”
I sighed and let that question hang in the air. It was something that would never be answered and I was only just learning that it no longer mattered. I was who I was and that was Marissa’s mother.
It felt good to open up to Rosie. Everything in my life was changing and it wasn’t just the outward appearances, it was something deeper, something inside of me that was itching to be discovered. I wanted to share some of the things I had been worrying over in the last few weeks. I folded and unfolded the napkin, nervously. “The only problem we seem to have, is me. Nico has hinted around about marriage and having children and while part of me wants that, the other part of me cringes at the thought. It has nothing to do with how much I care about him. I love him and plan on telling him so… I think,” I paused wondering if I actually would, and why I hadn’t already. “It’s just that I can’t help but feel like there is always something that I am holding back with him, with everyone, even myself.”
I took a deep breath and made myself say the words out loud, “I admit it. I am stuck in the past, and I don’t know how to move forward. It doesn’t seem fair to Nico to offer only part of myself, but it’s all I have.”
Rosie gave a sympathetic smile. “Roshell, we all have a past that we carry over into our futures. Otherwise, we wouldn’t grow. We would just keep making the same mistakes over and over again. You have to remember that it hasn’t even been two years since Gabriel passed away. It would be weird if you were totally healed already. Give yourself a break. You are doing a good job, better than you give yourself credit for. You and Marissa both seem pretty happy. That’s what matters. Quit over-thinking it.”
I smiled, knowing she was right, “Yeah, we are pretty happy,” I said, but couldn’t help worrying if it would last.
My heart weighed heavily after to Rosie. I continually replayed the conversation in my mind, wondering what it all meant and what to do about it but then would remember that Rosie was right: I was over-thinking it.
I was lost in thought, folding laundry as Marissa ran through the house pretending she was a velociraptor. She was entranced with the children’s movie ‘The Land Before Time’, and would run around mimicking her version of a dinosaur, with her little fingers hooked like claws, roaring loudly as she attacked her prey. I watched her with a smile as I paired up socks, amazed at how in the world there was always at least one stray. Still, my mind wandered to Nico.
I wanted to take the first step in making an honest effort to change my unconscious habits, and decided that I needed to tell Nico my true feelings. I made a pact then and there, with socks in my hands and commitment on my brain, that I would tell everyone in my life, not just him, how I felt about them so that there would never be any doubt. I had learned the hard way that you don’t always have tomorrow so it was important not to waste today.
That evening, as I combed out Marissa’s wet curls after her bath, Nico was ranting about the current casino politics when I looked over at him, and before I could second guess myself, blurted out, “I love you!” I tightly pressed my lips together and waited. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was waiting for, but when nothing terrible or drastic happened, I relaxed.
Nico gave a knowing smile. “I love you too, babe!” He cut the distance between us in only a few strides and gave me a big smacking kiss. “More than salt.”
My brow furrowed. “Did you just say that you love me more than salt?”
“Yep.”
“What does that even mean?” I asked, confused.
He was grinning ear to ear. “You can’t survive without salt. It’s essential.”
I melted. “That’s probably one of the sweetest and yet one of the oddest things that anyone has ever said to me.” I giggled. “We have to work on your one-liners.”
He chuckled. We were always kidding around about his oddball comments and off-beat sense of humor. Then he turned away and continued with his previous rant about work as if nothing had happened. His casual acceptance of my declaration was both irritating and calming. It kept me from obsessing about the actual admission.
Around midnight, in the quiet of our bedroom, I lay flat on my back next to Nico, who was lying parallel to my sprawled form, on his stomach. He leaned up on his elbow. “I think that we should run away to Vegas. I don’t really want a traditional wedding.”
My head snapped around. “Wedding?”
Nico looked completely unruffled by my response. “Well, yeah. I want to make it official so that we can give Marissa a brother or sister,” he said.
I sat up and leaned against the headboard, clutching the covers over my chest in a defensive posture. “Oh, you do, do you? Well, I don’t recall saying that I would marry you,” I huffed. Too fast. This was all too fast.
“Well…? Will you?” he asked.
I stammered a few times before harshly clamping my mouth shut, disgusted that I didn’t know how to handle the situation, or my anxiety. I crossed my arms over my chest and sat there stubbornly, refusing to engage in the conversation that had progressed beyond my ability to handle maturely.
Nico sighed and sat up to face me full on. “Look, Roshell. You finally tell me that you love me, and I want to take the next step. That’s just how I am. I know you are scared and I’m not the most romantic guy in the world, but I love you and Marissa, and I have always wanted a family.
“My mom and dad have been together since they were in their early twenties. They always put family first and had strong moral values as they raised us kids. I grew up knowing that a solid family unit was the most important thing and I intend to have it. I want to have it with you.”
I took in a deep and shaky breath, feeling weak with his statement. “But what if I screw it up?” I asked meekly.
Nico continued to hold my gaze with an intensity that was difficult to meet, “Don’t,” was all he said.
I just shook my head, looking down at my hands as I rubbed the edge of the blanket. Was it really that easy? Could I just simply move on? All of my life I had been chugging along, living unconsciously, making decisions without taking even a minute to question the motivations. It had taken me years to even realize those patterns, those quirks, those failings, but now that I was aware, could I really just stop? Realizing something was one thing, stopping the pattern was another.
“I don’t know, Nico. I’m just not sure I’m ready,” I said.
Nico’s look of patience and love shifted to staunch determination. He slid out of the bed and into his boxer briefs. “You know what, Roshell, I understand a lot about your past and how it has affected you up until now.
“What I don’t understand is why you can’t move past it. I don’t like feeling like there is some dead guy standing in between the two of us all the time. I think I have been fairly understanding so far, but I want you to decide if you can have a future with me. With ME! Do you get that? Not me standing in the shadow of him. Just me! I deserve that. Marissa deserves t
hat. And you deserve that. You’re going to have to examine some things and decide if you want to live with me in the future, or if you’re going to live with a ghost in the past.
“You can’t have both. At least not with me you can’t,” and with that he walked out of the bedroom and made a bed on the living room couch.
The tears came in a flux and a haze. I flung myself into the pillows and wept until I was exhausted and drifted into a fitful sleep.
Chapter 30
NICO: The next morning, I could actually feel Roshell’s apprehension as she slowly approached me while I was making coffee in the kitchen.
I glanced over my shoulder, taking in how she stood awkwardly with one foot propped on top of the other, and could see her gathering the nerve to get whatever she had to say off her chest.
“Look, I thought about what you said last night, and you are right,” she said. “I do want to let go of the past. I have to figure out what exactly that means, and then I will decide what kind of a future I can commit to.”
My attitude was nonchalant as I snagged a skillet out of the bottom cupboard, next to the stove. “Okay.”
But I realized that maybe nonchalant was too “me.” I always try to act like things don’t really matter to me when in fact they do and it usually doesn’t end up well. I changed my tone to let her know that I was serious and that she did matter. Because she does.
“I love you, Roshell, and I want to be with you.
I won’t wait forever, though.”
The point had been made so I switched topics and asked if she had arranged for Marissa to go to her other dad’s house for the upcoming weekend.
We had been planning a camping trip up to Lake Quinault for weeks, for just the two of us, and it occurred to me that we could be reaching a point in our relationship where we are at a “make it or break it” crossroads. I’m betting the odds that we make it.
I took Friday off so we could pack up the truck and head up to the lake early in the day to set up camp, leaving our evening free to do as we pleased.
We are well overdue for an escape from the hectic pace of work and everyday life, if even for only a couple of days. Our relationship is in desperate need of the reprieve as well, since we seem to have settled into a regimented routine that facilitates our ability to keep our lives running in a fluid and smooth manner, but we have completely abandoned the more personal aspects of being a couple.
I am well aware that I’m putting a bit of pressure on Roshell. But I’m eight years older than her and don’t feel like dawdling around waiting for her to come to terms with her own ideas for the future.
Although I can show extreme patience, it is not a skill that I came by naturally. I tend to see matters from a logical perspective rather than from an emotional one, which is ironically one of the things that drives Roshell crazy the most.
While she tends to operate and make choices based on feelings and intuition, then later tries to apply reason, I often question her motives from a more linear way of thinking and challenge her to think of the possible consequences before taking action, rather than after the fact. These opposing differences lead to many heated arguments, with Roshell ranting as to how my logic, while often valid, sometimes destroys the entire meaning of something.
I take offense to this of course, but have to admit that I can see her point at times.
Fortunately, after each altercation, when we’ve both had time to settle down and mull over the argument with some clarity, we often see the others point of view and make amends.
It’s this vital characteristic that convinced me that we were an ideal pair. We have similar moral and ethical values. I know we would be a dynamic pair in raising a family, and have developed a mutual respect and friendship.
But more importantly, our differences are just as crucial to the relationship, because those are the things that we continually challenge each other with. Each of us is level-headed enough to take a step back and realize the other’s position once we’ve cooled off. It is during those moments, that we find our own individual growth.
Calling each other on our own bullshit, and daring the other to rise to the occasion, is our motivation. We motivate one another to change, to build, to mature.
We both have a choice. We can choose the easy path and turn away, never looking back, or we can stand face to face, taking on the demons reflected in the others eyes, choosing the more difficult but ultimately more rewarding path.
I have already chosen my path. Now, Roshell must choose hers.
Chapter 31
I stepped out of the black Ford Ranger and took a deep cleansing breath of the mountain air. There were evergreens standing tall and majestic all around and the sky shone a brilliant blue above, without a cloud to be seen.
The campground was small and a short walking distance from the parking area, with only about eight sites which were widely spread out along the rocky shore of the small, smooth lake.
We gathered our camping gear and hiked to the first site, noting that it was the most secluded of all. I plopped my backpack down on the hard packed dirt, and stared across the lake at the small but beautiful lodge that was nestled on the far side at the edge of the tree line. The lodge was known for its plush surroundings and excellent service, but as I stood so close to nature and felt part of it, I couldn’t help but think, that we had the better of the choices.
With my family’s financial status, our childhood vacations had been simple. We couldn’t afford fancy resorts or trips abroad, so we always filled our summers with plenty of camping trips.
As a young girl I had learned to appreciate the calm that came with even a small period of time spent in introspection with nature. I would often wander off from camp, seeking a spot where I could shed the trappings of the material world and allow the forest, the wind and the trees to whisper into my soul, reminding me that I was part of something so much greater.
Clearing my thoughts, I joined Nico as he began the chore of setting up the tent. I assumed the supervisory position, standing back and calling out orders on how to go about what to him was probably a simple feat.
“Hey, babe.” he called out. “I think I got this. Why don’t you go gather fire wood?”
I squinted my eyes and pondered whether I should be insulted by his dismissal. He was trying to tell me as nicely as possible to ‘buzz off.’ I decided to give him a break and agreed to do my own set of chores.
Once camp was set and I had gathered a sufficient pile of firewood, we decided to walk one of the trails around the lake. Speaking in hushed tones we visited about our week, enjoying the way the surroundings settled around us. We were surprised how few other campers were there, but glad because it added to the feeling of tranquility and isolation.
That evening I cooked hamburgers and baked beans over the fire then tromped down to the lake shore to rinse out the cooking pans and utensils.
Kneeling in the gravel shoreline with my hands in the icy water I listened to the music of my surroundings. The crickets and frogs were singing and chirping as dusk settled. The small waves of the lake waters lapped at the rocky shore, while mosquitoes buzzed as they hovered above the lake. The last calls of the birds as they settled in for the evening and the distant hoot of an owl as he awakened for his nightly hunt called out to me.
I sat back on my heels and took it all in. Nico crouched down by my side and wrapped a warm arm around my shoulders. We sat comfortably, unhindered by time or responsibilities, and quietly watched the sun go down.
I wasn’t sure if it was the fresh air, the walk we had taken, or simply the fact that I had actually let go of some stress and let nature work its magic, but by nine-thirty I was completely exhausted. We sat in folding lawn chairs around the crackling fire, engrossed in its dance of golden hues, and my head nodded forward as I fought off sleep.
Nico spread out the logs, so that the flames died down to only a few red embers, and stood next to my chair. He gave me a light poke in the arm. “Com
e on sleepy head, let’s get you tucked in for the night.”
I moaned sleepily then reached out and grasped his palm, allowing him to gently pull me to my feet. We crawled into the small, four-person tent, and kicked off our shoes just inside the opening.
Lethargic, I changed out of my jeans and into a pair of clean sweats and a long sleeved shirt to fend off the cold night air. Nico zipped up the tent. I climbed into the slippery cool sleeping bag and snuggled down falling asleep almost immediately after Nico slipped in beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist.
At first my sleep was heavy. It was a solid weight that enveloped my person and allowed my mind to find peace from thoughts and doubts. But as the night progressed into the more primal hours of darkness, I began to dream.
I was walking through a crowd of people in what seemed to be a fair of some kind as it felt festive. I sensed that I was searching for someone, but no matter how hard I thought, I couldn’t remember exactly who. There was noise and laughter as children squealed with delight, and I waded through the sea of people anxious to recall just whom I was searching for.
Then in the distance I spotted Darren. He was talking with a group of friends, just on the outskirts of the crowd of people. My brain registered that this is whom I must be in search of. I ran toward him, suddenly thrilled.
As I approached, I could hear Darren’s laughter as he did what he did so well: telling humorous stories for anyone willing to listen. There was a small group of friends gathered in a circle, sharing his exuberant story, some of whom I recognized.
Just before I spoke to draw their attention, the group dispersed and spread out. Then a form stepped out from behind Darren.