My step faltered and my heart plummeted to the ground beneath my feet. I recognized Gabriel’s brilliant white smile and baby blue eyes as they bore into my soul.
My body began to tremor and shake, and my knees buckled, as my mind tried to grasp the vision standing before me. I ran forward and flung myself into Gabriel’s arms, afraid that he might disappear. His warm, strong arms enveloped me and the familiar feel of him was suddenly too much to bear. I started to weep terrible, heart breaking sobs.
“Oh, my God, Gabriel. I have missed you so much.” I had so much to tell him and couldn’t get the words out fast enough.
“I love you. You know that right? I have always loved you. I should have told you. I’m so sorry that I never did.” It came spilling out so fast that I could barely take my next breath. “Oh, why did you have to leave me?” I sobbed into his chest, everything inside of me breaking into a million little pieces.
He softly stroked my long hair, crooning in his soft, familiar tone, “I know, Roshell. Shh, Shh, Shh. I know.” He held me until my crying ebbed, then gently pulled away, holding me at arms length. “Roshell I need you to get control of yourself, or this visit will do you no good. I came because there are things left unsaid between us, but we can’t communicate if you don’t calm down. It’s not good for you, and I will have to leave.” His expression was calm and loving as he searched my face, waiting for me to understand.
I was still overwhelmed, but the thought of him leaving was unbearable. I took in a few shaky breaths and nodded.
Gabriel embraced me again with the same tight bear hug that I had always loved. I felt secure. I was happy. When he spoke, the vibration of his voice rumbled through my body. “I had a hard time leaving too. I have been watching my family, you, Darren, and everyone else that I love. It’s been so difficult to watch all of you while you struggle to move on and live your lives. But I have been there for you, desperately hoping that you could all feel my presence.
“It’s difficult to reach you, to get through to you when you are so consumed with grief. It closes you off from us. I have been working with my strongest guide, learning how to communicate with the material world. I think that dreams are my best medium so far.” He pulled back again, his eyes roaming my face, monitoring how I was holding up given the circumstances.
I was listening intently, and while part of me knew that this was a dream, I knew that it was also as real as any waking moment that I had ever experienced. His face was so crisp and clear, and the timbre of his voice resonated in the air as he spoke. My eyes were wide and my body taught with tension as I tried to take it all in. I wanted to etch it to memory so that I would have it forever, and my heart was beating so hard that I thought it would surely crack.
Gabriel’s face grew serious. “Now, I need to talk to you about your life, Roshell, your choices. I know that this has been difficult for you. You feel guilty for not expressing your emotions to me while you had the chance. You regret not paying closer attention to the more precious moments that have passed in your life. You’re having a hard time moving forward as you are so afraid of letting go of the past, because you think that you will forget.” He paused as Isimply nodded while silent tears streamed down my face.
He reached out and cupped my face in his hands. I turned my cheek to feel the warmth of his skin. “Roshell, you hold onto your pain like it’s your friend. I’m here to tell you that you cannot cradle and protect that pain anymore. You have to let it go, before it completely consumes you. You will not forget me when you choose to let go of that pain, and you have to know that my time is over. I did the things in that life that I was supposed to do. You still have things to do in your life.”
I broke in at that moment. “But I don’t know how to let you go. I don’t understand so many things. Why would I know you and love you just to have you leave? I never even knew how you truly felt about me, I still question it,” I cried, expressing my frustration.
Gabriel sighed. “I know it feels unfair that our time was so short and left so many open questions and loose ends. The only thing that I can say is that that time was special for the both of us and it must not go wasted by only grasping onto the pain of what was lost rather than what was created.”
Then he looked into my eyes with an intensity that was unbelievable, and suddenly a vision came into my mind. I saw a clear image of Nico and Marissa as Gabriel spoke. “This is what you are supposed to be doing, Roshell. This man is whom you are supposed to be with now. But I have to warn you, that you will push him away if you don’t let go of your pain. Don’t make that mistake.”
Then the vision dissipated. I blinked and re-focused on Gabriel’s face as he stood before me.
He caressed my cheeks, and gave a bittersweet smile. “Now, I have said all that I came to say.” He must have seen my panic as I feared his departure because he quickly added, “But… there is one more gift that I have for you. I know that you have repeatedly wished that you had paid more attention to the small details while you had the chance. Neither one of us was ever good at being forthcoming with our feelings for each other because of our stubborn ways. We have unfinished business and we’ve been given the opportunity to have some closure… for both of our sakes.”
I had his wrists in my tight grip and looked up into his face. I knew that every second with him was precious and limited and feared doing or saying anything that might cut it short, so I merely nodded my acknowledgement.
Suddenly everything went dark. My breathing picked up heavily as I looked around and saw only a pitch-black void. Before I could further panic, my body was filled with a warm, fluid calm and I closed my eyes, falling into its salvation as it bubbled inside.
In the next moment I was lying down completely unclothed, yet still felt warm and uninhibited. Then a soft light filtered in from above, just as familiar arms embraced me. I almost purred as I curved into Gabriel’s loving arms. We had been given this gift, to replace the last night that we had been together and had not made the most of.
I ran my hands and fingertips up and down his arms and chest feeling the texture of his hair, the softness of his skin. Burying my face into his neck, I inhaled deeply recognizing, loving, the scent of him, praying to mould it into memory forever. Everything was so real, so vivid that it was impossible to separate it from reality. He was caressing my body and soul with the same care and tenderness. Knowledge of a lifetime and of the beyond encompassed the moment and we felt that our hearts would break from our longing.
Gabriel whispered in the dark, “I love you. I will always be with you. Remember… ‘we will always find our way back to each other.’”
I wrapped myself around him and brought him even closer. “I love you Gabriel, I always have, and I’m sorry that I never told you before. Thank you so much for being part of my life and being the person that you are.”
We continued to hold one another, each of us grateful for the precious time we had been given as we avoided yet another goodbye and drifted off to sleep.
My eyes fluttered open as consciousness slowly seeped into my brain, the dream still vivid. I stared straight up and saw a faint glow on the roof of the tent and assumed that it must be very early in the morning. The sky was beginning to lighten just before the sun rose for the day.
I slowly turned the other direction and saw Nico sleeping soundly right next to me. I smiled at his open-mouthed, deep breathing.
The dream was still alive and thriving in the back of my mind and I needed to get out of the tent to create a distance from the man sleeping beside me, and the one that had just visited in the dream-world.
I carefully slipped on my shoes and crept out of the tent, making barely a sound.
I was right. The sky was slowly beginning to lighten to a grayish-pink glow over the horizon. I walked down to the lake to watch the earth come alive with the return of the light of the world.
Looking out across the smooth waters of the lake, I scanned the stillness of the surroundings. The
dream played out over and over again, and I was filled with a calm and sense of love that I had never before experienced.
I wasn’t sure exactly what had happened during the night, but whatever it was, had changed me instantly and completely. I searched deep inside myself for any traces of pain or bitterness and felt only acceptance. I no longer felt connected with the scared little girl who had grown up feeling unlovable, unremarkable. I no longer felt one with the all-consuming guilt of lost time and words unspoken. I no longer felt trapped with that prison of loneliness that had always held me within its tight grips, strangling my ability to reach out and accept the love that people offered.
Somehow, Gabriel had helped release me from that bondage and I could only feel gratitude.
Looking up into the huge family of trees that had been there since before my time and would continue to be there when I was gone, I felt an incredible sense of belonging in this confusing yet loving universe.
I knew that I had come here to heal, and heal is what I had done, with the help of a friend.
NICO: All day I have been sensing that there is something profoundly different with Roshell. There is a calm quiet about her that is perplexing but somehow I can tell that it is a positive change, a grounding change.
We swam in the chilly lake and took another long walk before making dinner. Roshell was giggly and lighthearted as she cooked steaks over the fire and I poked at a couple of mating slugs, making all sorts of inappropriate comments just to get her to laugh.
I love to make her laugh. She has a way of laughing that makes your heart rise to your throat and your chest swell with pride at having caused it.
I want to make her laugh for the rest of my life.
Later that night as we sat by the flicker of the campfire, I told Nico of my dream. I trusted that he would listen without judgment and wouldn’t think me crazy. This was the person whom I could lean on and love without question.
I spoke of the dream and how it had affected me from the moment I awakened. I told him of the new sense of peace that had surrounded me since, and he just listened.
When I finished, I sat quiet and stared into the firelight. He sat forward in his chair and casually rested his elbows on his knees. “You know, in the Native American culture, we are brought up to respect the messages that come to us through the dream plane. Loved ones can reach us and guide us in a way that will make sense in this world.”
His big, brown eyes were full of love. My heart sang when he put into words what I had been contemplating. I was grateful that he was there in that sacred place with me and willing to walk forward into a future together.
I stared across the flickering fire into his intense gaze. With a small smile I said quietly, “I’m ready for that trip to Vegas.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Born in Boise, Idaho in August of 1976, Michelle Bellon was raised by her loving mother and devoted grandmother who she claims is her biggest role model.
Throughout her childhood she was stubborn, precocious and full of big dreams for her future. She dedicated much of her time to pursuing a career as a ballerina, but as she grew into a young woman, that drive and energy evolved into raising a family. She earned a degree as a registered nurse in 2005.
Michelle lives in Washington with her husband and their four children.
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