I thought it would make it easier on me.
It didn’t...
It made it harder.
I told Dr. Garcia that I felt ashamed, as if I was trying to wipe away the evidence of her existence, like she was never growing inside of me. She told me that I was just trying to cope the only way I knew how. Even though it didn’t make me feel any better, it helped.
“Hey, pretty girl. What’s takin’ you so long, I’m gettin’ old here.” Noah pounded his fist on the steel door, making me laugh. “Don’t make me come in there. Bring that cute little ass of yours out here,” he hollered.
I shook my head, taking a deep breath before opening the door.
The expression on Noah’s face and the glare in his eyes when I walked out of the bathroom wearing the bikini was enough to push away all my looming fears. The ones I knew I’d never get rid of. He eyed me with a predatory regard, taking in every last inch of my sun-kissed skin. Making me feel nervous for a whole set of new reasons.
“Jesus Christ,” he breathed out. “You’re even more breathtakin’ than I remember.”
I blushed, peering down at the ground, shuffling my feet in the sand. I heard him chuckle as he made his way over to me. Stopping when we were inches apart, wrapping his arm around me. Pulling me into the side of his torso where I willingly went, loving the feel of him against me. He kissed the top of my head, and we walked down to the shore together. Grabbing my new surfboard on the way.
I spent most of the day in the water, riding the waves, becoming one with the ocean. Getting lost in my happy place I hadn’t visited in I couldn’t remember how long. It was just like riding a bike, you never forget how to do it. There was nothing in the world that could compare to the feeling of the ocean breeze and salt water hitting your face when you paddled out. I loved feeling like I had never left. This was me doing something I loved. Every time I’d look back at the shoreline, there was Noah smiling.
Watching me.
I went to hang out with him a few times, but he was adamant that I go back in the ocean. Threatening to pick me up over his shoulder and carry me out there like a barbarian. Throwing me to the sharks. He reassured me he was having the best time just sitting there. Being a part of my world for once. Getting a glimpse of how life should be. It was well into the afternoon by the time I was done for the day. My body physically spent, barely being able to drag my board up to the sand. As soon as I walked up to where Noah had been sitting all day, I noticed there was a spread of food with drinks on a blanket.
“Did you make us a picnic?” I asked with tears forming in my eyes.
For some reason the gesture was too much for me to take.
“I did. Thought you could learn some of your favorite foods and drinks again.”
I struggled like hell to let go of the emotion that suddenly coursed through me. I had spent hours thinking about the connection we shared, the intensity of it. The way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he listened. Every smile, every laugh, every word that fell from his lips, meant something.
It didn’t matter how big or how small.
It was there.
Etching its way into my heart where it felt like it had always been.
We spent the rest of the afternoon eating, playing like kids in the sand, talking and enjoying each other’s company. Getting to know one another just a little bit more. Before I knew it, we were laying down on the blanket, my head resting in the crevice of his arm. Watching the sun go down. Listening intently to the lull of the waves as they brushed up onto the sand. I closed my eyes, never wanting the day to end.
“Mia.” Noah shook me, stirring me awake.
“Hmm...”
“You gotta wake up. We passed out. It’s after one in the morning. Your parents’ must be flippin’ the fuck out.”
“What?” I sat up, brushing the sleep out of my eyes.
“Here, check your phone. I bet it’s been blowin’ up. Mine was.”
I grabbed it out of his hands. He was right, there were over fifty missed phone calls from my parents’, Mason, Bo, not to mention my uncles and an endless stream of text messages. At least ten from an unknown number, but I pushed it aside needing to call home.
“Shit,” I panicked, instantly hitting the call back button on my house number.
“Mia!” my mom yelled into the receiver in a distraught tone. “Please tell me you’re okay!” she cried.
“Momma! I’m fine! I swear... I’m so sorry. We came to the beach, the fresh air, all the food we ate... I surfed all day. We just fell asleep in the sand watching the sun go down.”
“Mia, oh my God! Do you have any idea what we’ve been going through! What on earth were you thinking?! How could you be so careless?!”
“I know, I know. I had my phone on silent. Noah did, too. Please don’t be mad... it was an accident. I would never want to put you guys through anything like that again. I’m so sorry,” I honestly spoke, pacing back and forth in front of Noah who was busy checking his voicemails. I faintly heard a familiar voice before the screaming started again on mine.
“Lucas, calm down!”
“Give me the fucking phone!” I heard my dad say on the other end.
“Not until you calm down! They fell asleep—”
“Fell asleep?! What the fuck were they doing in a bed?!”
“Mia! Come home right now!” Mom ordered.
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “Okay, we’re at Ocean Island Beach so I’ll be home in like an hour. I’m so sorry, Momma,” I repeated, feeling like I’d let them down again. “I’ll have Noah drive faster—”
“No! Drive the speed limit. We will talk when you get home, young lady. You tell Noah goodnight. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Text me when you’re in your Jeep.”
“I will. Bye.” I hung up.
“Fuck... damn it, I fucked up. I’m sorry, Mia.”
“It’s not your fault. We just fell asleep. I think you put us in a food coma,” I said, trying to make him laugh but failing miserably.
“They’re never gonna let me see you again.” He hurried, picking everything up to leave.
“No. Relax. It will be fine. Please don’t let this ruin today. It’s been the best day I’ve had since I woke up in that hospital. Being here with you. It meant everything.” I grabbed his arm to stop him, looking deep into his eyes. Showing him I spoke the truth.
He smiled, his worry lessening.
“Thank you, Noah. For everything. Honest.”
“Come on, let’s get you home.”
We rode in silence for most of the drive back to my house. Both of us lost in our own thoughts. I wanted to scroll through my messages to read a few in particular, but couldn’t will my thumb to swipe it open. So, I placed it on my seat next to me, staring out the window instead. Thinking about all the amazing things Noah had done for me that day. Resisting the urge to tell him to stop a few streets away from my house, because for the first time since we started hanging out.
I wanted to kiss him and tell him that...
I was falling for him.
Prom night was finally here, and I couldn’t be more excited to get dressed up to the nines and just be a normal teenage girl. Not the fragile, broken, scared one who didn’t remember who she was. My mom insisted on renting a limo and going all out for it. Saying something about it being an important night in a young girl’s life. I remember the day Noah showed up after one of my therapy sessions, holding a dozen pink roses, and a balloon that read, ‘Will you marry me?’ with a big X through the ‘marry me’ words. Replaced with ‘Go to prom with me?’ in black permanent marker in his chicken scratch handwriting.
“Oh my God! You’re too much!” I laughed, taking in the image of the tall, muscular man covered in ink. Holding a bunch of pink flowers in his arms.
“That a yes?”
“Did my momma put you up to this?”
“Don’t know what you’re talkin
’ about, pretty girl, but I do need an answer?”
“Fine,” I breathed out an exaggerated breath. “I’ll go to prom with you. Only because I know you didn’t go to yours, and I feel bad for you.”
He busted out laughing.
It took a few weeks for my parents’ to get over the incident at the beach. I think it helped that Noah was adamant on coming inside with me that night. Wanting to explain and apologize for scaring the shit out of them. I could see it in my dad’s eyes when Noah was talking, he respected the hell out of him for having the balls to come in and face them. Knowing he could have lost his life.
I didn’t even want to go in and face them.
They didn’t ground me or anything, but they definitely made it clear not to ever do that to them again. I said my goodbyes to Noah and headed to bed, tossing and turning most of the night until I finally gave in. Grabbing my phone off my nightstand, I swiped over the screen and opened the text messages from the unknown number.
8:07 PM “Ma just called me! Where are you?! Answer me! Please tell me where you are!”
9:00 PM “Pippin, I ain’t fuckin’ around. Are you okay?”
9:30 PM “I know you don’t want to talk to me. Just give me a yes or no.”
10:15 PM “I just need to know you’re okay... Please, babe!”
11:00 PM “GODDAMN IT, MIA! I asked you a question. Expectin’ a fuckin’ answer!”
11:10 PM “I don’t give a fuck if you’re with Noah. Just tell me you’re alright!”
11:30 PM I need you, babe. I’ve never needed anyone like I need you. Please let me know you’re okay.”
12:10 AM Mia, please...
12:46 AM “Pippin, I’m hangin’ on by a fuckin’ thread! DON’T MAKE ME COME FIND YOU!”
1:05 AM “Baby, please... don’t do this to me. I love you. Just tell me you’re okay.”
1:20 AM “Ma let me know you’re alright. Hope you had a great day surfin’. I miss the fuck out of you. Prayin’ one day you’ll miss me, too.”
I read the last text message and before thinking twice about, I typed out, “Sometimes I feel like I already do.” And hit send.
He never replied, which brought on more unexplained heartache. More confusion. More questions and no answers. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed with his lack of response. I read each text message probably a hundred times over the last month. Memorizing each and every word. Pouring my heart out on the pages of my notebook that I’m sure Dr. Garcia would have a field day with at our next session.
“Mia Pia, you look beautiful,” Mom announced as I walked into the living room, doing a little twirl in place.
I was wearing a light-yellow strapless gown that hugged my curves perfectly, subtly flowing out down by my knees. My hair was curled and tied to the left side of my head, with a few strands of hair framing my face. Mom helped me with my makeup, going heavy on the eyes with dark black eyeliner and thick mascara. Some blush and a soft shade of nude for my lips.
“Wow, Mia... you look... Jesus... when did you grow up?” Mason asked, eyeing me up and down.
He was home for a few weeks before having to go back overseas. I hadn’t seen him much, probably too busy kissing Giselle’s ass. She hated him or at least that’s what she said the last time I asked her about him a few days ago. Mason said he came over to hang out with Bo, but I knew he was lying. I’m almost positive Dad told him to stop by so they could both scare the shit out of Noah. Poor guy probably already saw it, coming given the history we apparently all shared.
Bo was sitting on the couch playing his Xbox, glancing over at me from the television. “Look nice, Mia. Make sure to let Noah know that if he touches you, I’ll break his fuckin’ fingers.”
“Bo Savan Ryder!” Mom reprimanded, lightly backhanding him in the head. Glaring at my father who was hiding the proud look on his face from Bo’s threat. “You watch your mouth!”
Bo shrugged, turning his attention back to his game again. My mom just placed her hands on her hips and shook her head.
“Be home after the dance,” Dad ordered, bringing my attention to him.
“Dad... come on. It’s prom,” I simply stated.
“Exactly. Be home after prom. I know what happens at those things, Mia. And because of that, you should be grateful you’re even going.”
“Momma...” I eyed her.
“Lucas, give your daughter a break. Even I was allowed to stay out past curfew on my prom night. Remember you took me, but you ended up ruining that, too,” she snidely smiled.
He pushed off the wall, walking over to her. Pulling her tight against his chest. Whispering something in her ear, causing her to immediately start blushing.
“Ugh...” I spewed, locking eyes with Mason who looked just as disgusted as I did. Even after all these years and everything us kids put them through, my parents’ were still very much in love. Giving me a glimmer of hope for my future.
I was looking in the foyer mirror, reapplying my lipstick when the doorbell rang shortly after five. My dad beat me to the door with Mason and Bo in tow. They exchanged words I couldn’t hear, but the look on Noah’s face when they finally let him enter the house said it wasn’t too pretty.
He looked so handsome, wearing a tuxedo with accents that matched my gown.
“You look beautiful,” Noah praised, kissing my cheek. Handing me a white orchid corsage.
“You don’t look too bad yourself,” I boasted as he helped me with my corsage and then I helped him with his boutonniere.
After taking way too many pictures and Mom crying one too many times, we were able to leave. My dad and brothers never stopped warning Noah through their glares.
“Come on.” He placed his hand on the hollow of my back, spreading a warm heat throughout my entire body. Guiding me toward the limo where the driver opened the door for us. Noah helped me step in, sliding in behind me and closing the door.
We talked about nothing in particular on the drive to the restaurant. Both of us wrapped up in each other’s stares. Our eyes spoke volumes. We went to a nice Italian restaurant in town before the dance, having an intimate dinner, which was amazing. It didn’t take long until we were walking through the doors of the banquet hall that hosted my prom. Decorations were everywhere, representing the 1920’s theme we all voted on in school. They went on for miles, as did the crowd. There wasn’t a place in the room that wasn’t covered in some sort of streamer, confetti, or balloon.
We took a traditional prom picture with the photographer, but I didn’t get a chance to look at it since Noah immediately placed it in the pocket of his tuxedo jacket. He grabbed my hand, and I didn’t give it any more thought, I followed him into the ballroom. Stopping to hug a few people I knew along the way. We hung out like we always had, laughing and loving each other’s company. When the song “Broken” by Seether came blaring through the speakers, Noah grabbed my hand and led me to the dance floor.
Molding me close to his body, pulling me tighter into his strong, muscular frame. Guiding my arms up around his neck like he wanted no space between us. He wrapped his arm’s around me, proving my point. I laid my cheek on his chest, and he placed his chin on top of my head.
“I thought you didn’t dance.” I smiled, peering up into his eyes.
“I never said that. Ma was into all that romantic shit growin’ up. She used to make me dance with her all the time.”
I leaned my face into his chest again, frowning. I could have sworn he told me he didn’t dance. It was around the chorus of the song when something felt different. He felt different. The mood changed drastically between us as the lyrics of the song intensified. The conflicting emotions came tumbling down on me, crippling me in ways it never had before. There was something about this song that pained me, and I couldn’t comprehend or figure out why.
I suddenly needed some fresh air, a moment to myself. I waited until the song was over and grabbed my phone from my clutch.
“My mom’s called a few times. I’m goi
ng to step outside and call her back,” I lied, hoping he wouldn’t notice.
He nodded. “Gonna go say what’s up to the DJ. I know him. I’ll be over there.”
“Okay.” I backed away from him and left, making my way out to the terrace in the back of the hall.
The second I stepped outside I took a long, deep breath. Feeling as though I couldn’t breathe. I leaned against the railing, trying to distract myself by looking at all the city lights and the soft glow it gave everything around me. Normally this view would have me awestruck and at peace, but I couldn’t stop the emotions that were wreaking havoc on my mind.
And then just like that it unexpectedly changed again...
I felt him behind me.
“You’re there, aren’t you?” I whispered, my heart pounding against my chest.
“You wishin’ I was?” he countered in a husky, masculine tone.
Why did that simple response strike such a chord inside of me? “You shouldn’t be here.”
“That’s where you’re wrong.”
I heard the lock click over on the double doors, followed by his footsteps that brought him closer to where I stood. My breathing hitched as soon as I felt him come up behind my trembling frame. I didn’t turn around, I didn’t move, afraid if I did he’d disappear like he was just a figment of my imagination. My mind once again playing tricks on me.
I closed my eyes, waiting for I don’t know what. Feeling his heat burning into me more and more with each step that brought him closer to me. We weren’t even touching, yet I still felt him all over. His hands, his lips, his love. He leaned in just inches away, letting his breath brush against my ear. Causing shivers to course through me and my knees to buckle.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach, trying to hold in the emotions that threatened to spill, revealing my truths. I knew he noticed. There was no way he couldn’t have felt the effect he had on me. Even though I had no idea who he was.
He consumed me with his presence, so when he was gone. When he wasn’t around me. When we weren’t together.
I would miss him.