“Did he fuck you on it, too?”
It was my turn to jerk back, even though I expected him to ask me that. It was why I didn’t want to tell him, but it still hurt to hear.
“I just wanna know what made ya remember me. Was it the fact that you were on another man’s bike when you only belong on the back of mine... or the fact that he made you come again when it shoulda been me? Simple question, Mia.”
“Yes and yes. That what you want to hear, Creed? Make you feel better that you know now?” I paused, letting my questions sink in. “But it was his words that really put things into perspective for me.”
“And what were those?”
“That he claimed me and that I was his.”
“Are you, Pippin? Are you really his now? That what you came to tell me? Stab that knife a little deeper in my fuckin’ heart, watch me bleed out for you? Again.”
“I don't know why I'm here, okay? One minute I’m walking on the beach, the next I’m walking into this house... our house.”
“Is that right? Took you two goddamn months to find your way home? Did I not mean anythin’ to you?”
“That's not fair...”
“Life ain’t fuckin’ fair. Trust me, I would fuckin’ know.” He turned, breaking our connection. Running his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture, pacing the room.
I honestly didn’t know what to expect out of this, but that didn’t stop me from having to come here. Needing to tell him. Even if it hurt both of us.
Instead, I held up the photo of Maddie and me, needing my own answers. “And this?”
He glanced over, shifting his eyes from me to the photo. Contemplating what to say, “She was still alive when I laid her on your chest, Pippin. Needed ya to know just cuz you were knocked out, don’t mean you weren’t there.”
My lips trembled, taking in his words. Recalling all the times I told him I couldn’t wait to be the first person to hold her. Place her on my chest and tell her how much I loved her. How much I wanted her, waiting impatiently for this moment. The one where she was finally here, in my arms. With me.
“Thank you. Thank you so much for taking this. If it wasn’t for this picture, I wouldn’t ever know what she looked like,” I wept, looking at it once again.
I heard him walking toward me, stopping when we were about a foot apart. He crouched down in front of me, grabbing the stack of envelopes on my lap. “You found my letters.”
I nodded, locking eyes with him again.
“I was gonna give them to you the first night we slept in our bed. Here, in our new home. The place I made perfect for you. For us. I wanted all of this to be a surprise,” he shared, opening his arms, gesturing around the room. “Every time I came back from the safe house... I’d spend a few hours here wit’ Ma. She helped me buy everythin’, put it together. Waitin’ for furniture to be delivered when I couldn’t be here. You were always wit’ me, Mia. No matter where I went, where I’ve gone, what I’ve seen and what I’ve done... you have never not been wit’ me. You’ve always been my home.”
“I know,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.
“What happens now?”
“I honestly don’t know. I came here because I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Never expecting any of this, though.”
“Then what, huh? You leave? Go back to him? That how this works?”
“How long have you lived here, Creed? Has it been this entire time?” I questioned, needing to know.
He shook his head no. “After...” His face fell, taking a deep breath. Holding his head in between his hands. “I couldn’t after what happened. It was all set—
the house, the nursery, all of it. For you. The last time I stepped foot in this place was when I left that photo in the magazine. Hadn’t been back until a few months ago. I needed to move on, but I couldn’t sell this house. I didn’t even wanna.”
My hand subconsciously went through his hair, wanting to comfort him any way I could. He leaned into my embrace, placing his cheek on my lap as I continued to softly caress him.
“I still don’t know what to do wit’ this room. Ain’t ever been in here till now,” he breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper.
He stirred beneath my touch, peering up at me. Searching my face for I don’t know what before suddenly wrapping his arms around my waist. Bringing me down to the ground with him. Setting me down on his lap, holding me as close as he could to his heart. I willingly went, wanting, needing to feel his arms around me, too. The strong arms that enveloped me, protected me, and carried me countless times.
The same arms that used to push me away and let me go.
“I fuckin’ love you, Mia. I fuckin’ love you so much,” he spoke, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. Please tell me you know that... I would never—”
I looked up, placing my fingers against his lips. “I know, Creed. I knew that even when I didn’t remember you. No doubt that you loved her. Did everything you could for her when I couldn’t.”
The look on his face would have brought me to my knees, had I not already been on the floor with him.
He placed his hands on the sides of my face, bringing me closer to him, but not nearly close enough. “I can’t lose you again, baby. I just got ya back. Tell me you’re here for me. Tell me you choose me. Please...”
My heart was breaking right along with his. Piece by piece fell to the floor between us, knowing it would never be whole again. “He loves me, and I love—”
“You may love him, Pippin, but you’re not in love wit’ me. You’ve been in love wit’ me for most of your life. I own you, babe. You know it as much as I do. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. Why you doin’ this to me? Us, Mia.”
My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere and all at once. His scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his hands.
“Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t wish it were me who held you in their arms. Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you right now, yeah? Touch you, take you to our bed and make sweet fuckin’ love to all night long, until there isn’t an inch of your skin I haven’t kissed, licked, or touched. Tell me you don’t feel me,” he whimpered, placing his hand over my heart, “here.”
“Creed,” I whispered in a voice I didn’t recognize. Trying to reel in my feelings, hide the fact that he still had an effect on me. After all this time.
“Tell me any of that, and I swear I’ll leave you alone, cuz at the end of the day... All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and if that’s not wit’ me, then at least I have the memory of the love of my fuckin’ life.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his hands up to frame my face again. “Say the words, babe,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm.
His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. The smell of cigarettes and mint took over my senses. As if he was testing me, he licked his lips slowly, provoking me.
Proving that he was right.
I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit, and I knew he could see it in my gaze.
He knew me.
“Creed,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please...”
“Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he was hanging on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.
“Please... let me go. I’m not the same girl you hold so dear to your heart. I may remember now, but that doesn’t change the fact that the girl you claimed... died a little at that house in the woods. And not even your touch, your love, your faith can bring her back. I’m just so confused. A part of me wants to jump right into your arms and tell you to never let me go. Your Pippin. The other part, the girl fighting the waves trying to stay afloat, tells me to turn left, right into Noah’s embrace. It’s like a train wreck waiting to happen. Both sets of tracks cross
, coming together at some point, colliding with my heart. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. I can’t do this to Noah, not like this. He’s been nothing but there for me while you’ve been... gone.”
“Baby, you know why I was gone. Woulda never left you if I didn’t have to.”
“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s been here. With me. Throughout everything my mind has gone through. And I do love him, Creed. It may not be as powerful or as strong as my feelings for you... but it’s there. Inside of me. You both are. You have my past, and he has my present. I’m just so confused on who has my future.”
He nodded, shuddering like a bucket of cold water had been poured down his body, never expecting me to say that. His hands instantly dropped, releasing my face. He stood, looking down at me with glossy eyes, struggling to step away. To walk away from the love we once shared. Making me feel the loss of his warmth, his love, his everything.
The damage was already done, and the look on his face made me question what I just did.
I stood, going right for him, but he backed away as if my touch would burn him. “Creed...
“I can’t do this wit’ ya anymore. It’s fuckin’ killin’ me.”
I forced back the tears that wanted to escape, feeling like I was dying right along with him.
“I love you more than anythin’ in this world, Pippin.”
Tears streamed down my face, so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Trying so hard to keep them at bay. I wiped away the tears from my face feeling like he’d just ripped out my heart and stomped all over it. I couldn’t fucking breathe.
I nodded, unable to form words, but it didn’t matter because there was nothing left to say. We said everything that mattered. I turned to leave, but he instantly grabbed my hand, pulling me back into his arms. Finding myself sobbing against his chest, soaking his white cotton shirt with nothing but my insecurities as his strong arms wrapped around me. I felt him cry, too.
“Jesus Christ, you’re my everythin’. You’ll always be my everythin’. The little girl who fuckin’ saved me from myself more times than I count. The same one who made me realize what love was, what havin’ the love of a good woman felt like. I never deserved you, baby, but God, I don’t fuckin’ care. Please...” he begged in a tone I had never heard from him before.
“I love you, too, Creed, and I always will,” I cried as he held me tighter, knowing he needed to hear me say those words. He’d been waiting for the last year and a half to hear.
I stayed there in his arms, both of us knowing this might truly be our end. Our final goodbye. I pulled away first, and he wiped away all my tears, kissing along my face for the last time. Battling not to kiss me on my lips. I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking. His arms fell to his sides, releasing me. Leaving me completely empty as I made my way toward the door, trying like hell not to look back at his broken expression.
“Pippin,” he called out as I walked out the door.
I stopped, waiting on pins and needles for what he was going to say.
“I’ve been wishin’ for you all my fuckin’ life.”
His words were too much. I needed to escape, run away, and get out of the house before all my walls caved. Our house that was supposed to be nothing but happy times.
“I’m sorry,” I said one last time. And left.
Even though...
It nearly killed me.
“Mia, you listenin’?” Noah asked, pulling me away from my thoughts.
“Hmm...” I replied, looking up at him from my laptop. I had been aimlessly staring at my freshman class schedule for I don’t know how long. I would be attending The University of North Carolina, Wilmington campus in a few short weeks. So I wanted to be prepared for my first official day as a college student.
I graduated from high school three months ago, surrounded by my friends and family, and of course Noah. My parents’ went all out with a huge party in their backyard. Decked out in my class colors, balloons, and streamers. The works. I swear the whole graduating class was in attendance, people hanging out everywhere, swimming and eating barbecue.
Though I often found myself searching the crowd for a certain tall, broody, tattooed man who would stick out like a sore thumb at a party like this. I knew my mom had mailed an invite to his shop a few days before the event. Thinking he’d like to see me graduate or tell me congratulations. He didn’t show up to the ceremony, but that didn’t stop me from hoping he’d come by the party for at least a few minutes.
“He’s not here, sweetheart.”
I turned around to see Noah’s mom standing behind me in the kitchen. All the other guests were mingling outside. “Yeah he is, didn’t you see him? He’s kind of hard to miss,” I nervously chuckled when she caught me once again looking around the crowd of people for him.
“Not Noah, Mia. My other boy.”
I winced. “How did you know I was looking for Creed?”
“Honey, I have never seen you look at anyone the way you do him. Even after everything that had happened, you still get this gleam in your eyes, and your face lights up like Christmas with the mere mention of his name.”
“I think you’ve been reading too many romance novels, Diane.”
We both laughed.
She stepped toward me, caressing the side of my face in a motherly gesture. “Sweetheart, call it woman or even mother intuition, but I know you’re torn between them, and you have been since Maddie’s funeral. I love my boys more than anything in this world, Mia. Noah’s a good man, and I would hate to see him get hurt, but stringing him along is far worse than letting him go, darlin’. Your heart has always belonged to Creed.”
I swallowed hard, biting my lip.
“I remember all the times you’d come over and sit with Noah on my couch. I wanted to pull you to the side so many times and tell you, but I couldn’t do that to my son. It wasn’t my place. Now things are different. You got your memory back, and it’s time for you to be honest with yourself. The longer you’re with Noah, the more you’re hurting him, and I can’t stand by and watch that happen. Not anymore. I love you like you were my own, and it doesn’t surprise me in the least that both my boys are in love with you. You’re a good girl, either one of them would be lucky to have you. It’s time to do right by them and you.”
I just nodded, taking in all she was saying. Knowing in my heart she was right. “I love him, Diane. I also need you to know that I love Noah, too.”
“I know, sweetie. But loving someone and being in love with them are two totally different things. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. I married the man I loved and left the one I was in love with behind. For the same reason you’re holding on to Noah, not wanting to hurt him. Jameson wasn’t always the cruel, vicious bastard he became. Money and power did that to him. I’ll never regret my choice to be with him because he gave me three beautiful, loving boys, and I wouldn’t change that for anything or anyone. But you always have a choice, Mia. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t.”
“Did you hurt him? The other man... The one you were in love with?”
She took a deep breath, looking down at the ground for a few seconds before peering back up at me with anguish written all over her face. “I did. Especially after I married Jameson. I never wanted to be that woman who cheated on her husband, but it happened. For decades. My heart wouldn’t let me forget him, and in the end, it cost him his life.”
I jerked back with wide eyes. “Did—”
“Can’t change the past, but you can change your future,” she interrupted, pulling me into a tight hug. “Anyway, I’m going to head out. I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what. No judgment.”
I hugged her back, so grateful to have her in my life.
“You go and enjoy your party, ya hear?” She smiled, pulling away. “Congratulations, sweet girl!” She gave me one last sweet smile, then turned and left.
Leaving me
with so much more to think about, in ways I hadn’t before.
Creed never made it to my graduation party after all. I guess I couldn’t blame him. We hadn’t talked or seen each other since that day at the beach house almost five months ago. Not even in passing. It wasn’t from lack of trying, often going out of my way past his shop. Hoping one day I’d see him. I knew he was avoiding me after I left him broken in Maddie’s nursery. Trust me, if I could avoid myself, I probably would have, too. I was the true definition of a hot mess. Conflicted, knowing no matter what, someone was going to end up getting hurt.
And I started to think it might possibly be me.
It pained me, not to have him there. All he used to talk about was how he couldn’t wait until I graduated. He would be standing in the crowd, proud as fuck of his girl.
His words, not mine.
It didn’t come as a shock to anyone that I decided to stay in Oak Island for college. It had always been my home. I applied to several colleges out of state and got accepted into every last one of them, including my dad’s alma mater, Ohio State. Part of me contemplated running away. Starting fresh. Leaving behind the two men who were playing tug of war with my heart.
But in the end, I believed I’d find my way eventually. I just didn’t know which direction I would turn in. It was best to stay close to home, face the facts and move forward.
Or so I told myself.
In the back of my mind, I knew I didn’t want to be far away from Creed. Already had spent way too many years apart, as it was. At that point, I’d take him any way I could. Even if it meant just seeing him in passing. I’d take an occasional nod of the head in my direction, a wave of his hand, or a hello to escape his lips. Praying that he wouldn’t just ignore me like he did when I was a little girl. When I had to watch him get off his bike with another girl on the back. Pretending as if he didn’t know me, like I never existed in his world.
I couldn’t bear that again.
Noah and me were sitting on the couch in his new apartment. That happened to be right above the mechanic shop he was now employed at, not far from Creed’s business downtown. I had to drive by it every time I came to see him. There was no avoiding it. It was like the whole situation was just mocking me.