“What’s up with you lately, pretty girl?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head, my gaze still glued to the screen of my laptop in front of me. “Why do you keep asking me that?”
“Cuz you keep lyin’ to me.”
“I’m not lying. Why would I lie?”
“I wouldn’t know, Mia. Cuz you’ve shut down on me.”
“What?” I replied, taken back. Finally looking up at him, catching me off guard with his eyes, dark and brazen.
“You gonna tell me what’s wrong? Cuz I can’t make it better if I don’t know, baby.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I simply stated, shutting my computer. About to stand up, but was stopped me short when he grabbed my hand.
“Don’t walk away from me, we ain’t done.”
I jerked my arm away. “Obviously, I don’t want to talk about this. I’m fine. Promise.”
He cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes at me. “Is this about your memory? Cuz God knows we haven’t talked ‘bout it since it miraculously reappeared.”
I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all.
He leaned back into the couch again, slowly nodding his head. The realization quickly took over the expression on his face. “So... this really is about your memory? Or should I say Creed?”
I winced, hearing his name. I couldn’t help myself, it was quick, but he still saw it.
He shook his head, running his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture. “I fuckin’ knew it. I knew once your memory came back it would be all over for me. For us.”
“I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.”
“You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face. Has been since everythin’ started coming back to you. I’ve been tryin’ to ignore it. Pretend like it isn’t there, like I don’t see it. Fuck... even been tellin’ myself you’re just tired or overwhelmed, it’s why we haven’t been havin’ sex. You barely even let me touch you.”
“I let you touch me, Noah.”
“When? When was the last time you really let me touch you? Huh? I know.” He sternly nodded. “When I fucked you on my bike.”
I gasped from the vulgarity of his words.
“Don’t look so surprised, Mia. I’m not that fuckin’ stupid.”
“I never said you were.”
“You’re takin’ me for a fool now. Why you playin’ me? After everythin’ we have been through, have I ever made you feel like you couldn’t be honest wit’ me?”
“No,” I softly spoke.
“I love you, but you already know that. I tell you all the time. You feel it in your heart when the words come out of my mouth. It’s the sincerity in my voice. My touch when I feel you beneath me. You consume me.”
“I know. I love you, too.”
“But that don’t mean you’re in love with me, does it?”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
He shook his head, scoffing out, “That’s your answer? Jesus, you can’t even say it to me.”
I sat back on the couch, closer to him. “Please, just drop it, okay?”
“No. I can’t just drop it, Mia. That how you think this works? I continue to pretend you wanna be with me when you really want to be with him.”
“That’s not true. You’re my best friend. I don’t wanna lose you.”
“You also don’t wanna hurt me, but don’t you realize you’re hurtin’ me right now? You been hurtin’ me for months. Your indifference fuckin’ shatters me, cuz I know it ain’t you. I felt you, baby. Your heart, your touch, your fuckin’ words. I had you, and now I fuckin’ lost you, haven’t I?”
I bowed my head, feeling ashamed. “I’m just confused... it will pass, and we will be good again, promise,” I swiftly lied, the words feeling so foreign leaving my mouth.
“Not as long as he’s around.”
“That’s not fair! You know how much I love you. It’s been you for almost two years!”
“Well, it’s been him for longer than that. Just admit it.” He leaned forward, sitting on the edge of the couch. His elbows placed on his knees. “If you wouldn’t have lost your memory, we wouldn’t have been together. This would have never happened between us.”
“You don’t know tha—”
“The fuck I don’t!” he roared, his hands connecting with the coffee table as he yelled, making me scoot away from him. “You fuckin’ him? Is that what’s going on? Feelin’ guilty or somethin’?”
“No! I can’t believe you just asked me that!” I shouted back, abruptly standing to leave. Hastily shoving everything into my backpack, then heading straight for the door. No longer wanting to have this conversation with him.
He was over to it in three strides, blocking my way. “I’m sorry, babe. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He instantly pulled me into his arms, and I reluctantly went. “I have been rackin’ my mind, tryin’ to figure out what I did wrong? What he has that I don’t? How I could step up my game, be everythin’ you need in a man. I got us this apartment. I know it ain’t big, but it’s a home. I got a job so I could take care of you. I love you so fuckin’ much, it kills me inside.” He pulled away, needing to look into my eyes. “I thought we would be together forever. Get married. Try for another baby. Maybe have a few more after that. Fuckin’ grow old together,” he paused, trying to reel in his emotions, but it was pointless. The hurt was evident his voice. His heart was bleeding out in front of me, too. “You don’t want that, do you? At least not with me, right?”
“Noah... I... I’m just so confused and overwhelmed. I don’t know what the right or wrong answer is. I have been worrying myself sick, these last four months. You have no idea what it is like to have years of emotions come pouring back into your life as if they were never gone. Except, now they’re full force. Mixing in with the way I feel about you in my heart. I feel every touch, every look, everything that I used to know when it came to Creed. It all came rushing back. But there is no doubt in my mind that I love you, too. You have to believe me!” I stressed with tears suddenly falling down the sides of my face. “You have been my rock, my best friend, and one of the best things that have ever happened to me. And I will never be able to thank you enough for that. I’m so sorry, Noah. You have no idea... how sorry I am,” I wept, letting the tears flow loosely now. “I never wanted to hurt you. I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I love you so much...”
“But?”
“But... my heart is telling me... it’s not you.” My lips trembled. My heart ached for him. “I have been in love with Creed since I was nine-years-old. And as much as I want to tell my heart it’s wrong, I don’t think it is.” More tears spilled down my face, waiting for him to say something, anything. To yell and scream at me. To tell me he hates me and that he will never forgive me for this.
I deserved it all.
“So what now? I just watch you run off into the sunset with my brother? Pretend I never fuckin’ loved you? Never felt you beneath me? Never kissed your lips? And heard you say you love me, too? What, Mia? The fuck you want me to do? Cuz I can’t keep doin’ this. Lookin’ into your eyes, seein’ it’s not me you want. Keep fuckin’ you, knowing that when you’re on top of me, it’s cuz you’re tryin’ to stop thinking of him,” he choked out, his eyes glossy and torn.
“Please... Noah,” I begged for I don’t know what.
“You know I’m right. So, who’s it goin’ to be? Huh? Him or me?”
“Noah, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” I simply repeated, staring into the depths of his soul. Needing him to understand and believe me. “But I can’t keep lying to myself, and I can’t keep stringing you along... when my heart belongs to another man. It’s always been his since day one. I just lost my way and couldn’t remember that. But I will never regret being with you. Having you in my life is the only thing that kept me going when all I wanted to do was die right along with Maddie. You saved me.”
He took a deep bre
ath as tears streamed down his face. Mimicking mine. Our emotions mirroring one another.
“Can I kiss you just one last time, please? Pretend that you’re still mine before I have to say goodbye to you. Knowing that you’re going back to him. Leaving me with nothing but my heart dying for you.”
I fervently nodded.
He didn’t waver, grabbing ahold of my face and kissing me like his life depended on it. Putting every emotion, every feeling, every last part of himself into our last kiss.
It would go down as the sweetest, saddest kiss of my life.
He leaned his forehead against mine, still peering deep into my eyes. “I’ll always love you, Mia Ryder.”
I nodded, murmuring, “I know. I’ll always love you, too.”
And I would.
I found myself going to the train tracks more often than not. The same place that used to torment me, had now become another spot that reminded me of her. Out of all the places we’d been together, this one was the closest to my heart. Clearly aware of the reason, this was where she became mine.
I shook off the sentiment, slowly letting the smoke seep from my nose and lips, savoring the taste of the nicotine that coursed through me. Sitting under the same tree in the open field, waiting for the twelve o’clock train to pass through town. I left Diesel in charge at the shop, running out to grab lunch, and yet here I was.
The one place that now gave me peace.
Trust me, the irony was not lost on me.
It had been six months since I last saw Mia. Nothing had really changed in my life. Same shit, just a different day. I was working so damn much, drowning myself in hours upon hours of custom builds at the shop. Sometimes showing up before sunrise and leaving well after midnight, if not later. It was easier that way.
Plain and simple.
There were times where I thought I saw her, felt her, rapidly turning around to find her, only to realize very fucking quickly it was just wishful thinking. My mind playing games that I had no interest in participating in. Especially after learning that she and Noah weren’t together anymore. They hadn’t been for three months, according to Ma. By the look on her face, she was waiting for me to run out the door of her house and go claim what had always been mine.
I didn’t.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
It hurt too fucking much.
Every day that went by was another day without her. Another day where I didn’t see her, hold her, kiss her, fucking love her...
Another day that she didn’t come to me. And God fucking help me that was all I wanted. I needed her to come back to me like I needed air to breathe. I couldn’t keep fighting for her if she didn’t want me. No longer being able to take the rejection. I was raging a war within myself. Debating whether to go after her or hold my ground. As much as I wanted to, the desire to have her choose me won in the end.
Which was probably why I started spending so much time at these goddamn train tracks, feeling as though I had really lost her for good. She’d moved on, and maybe it was time for me to do the same. I would mourn the loss of her for the rest of my fucking life.
Mia Ryder was a woman to love.
And... fuck did I still love her.
More so now than ever before.
“What are ya doin’ here?” I suddenly found myself asking, unable to turn around. Knowing exactly who was behind me. Except this time, I knew it was real.
I felt her.
“I went by the house, and your bike wasn’t in the driveway. Then I drove by your shop, and it wasn’t in the parking lot, either. I don’t know why but I knew you’d be here, so I came to find you.”
After all this time.
She was finally there.
The moment I waited over three goddamn months for. Standing behind me, waiting for me to acknowledge she existed. That she was still part of my world. When a small breeze brushed through the open field, bathing me in nothing but her scent. The smell of vanilla overpowered my senses. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t fucking terrified to turn around and find she was never there. My mind playing tricks on me once again, wishing for someone who would never come.
Before I could ask her why, I heard her walking in my direction until she took a seat right beside me. Glancing at the side of my face, waiting for me to say something else. Anything else. Instead, I took another drag of my cigarette, inhaling it long and deep. Trying to calm my overly beating heart. Keeping my emotions in check.
“I spent the last three months trying to get my life back in order, Creed. It was such a mess. I was such a mess. I needed a minute to be myself, to figure things out. Find who I was and what I wanted to be,” Mia revealed, never taking her eyes off the side of my face.
“You miss Noah, Pippin?”
“Yes, but not in the sense that you think. I’ve spoken to him a few times, both of us checking in on each other. I hope one day we can put all this aside and become friends, again. I hate that he’s not in my life anymore, but I had to let him go.”
“Why is that?”
“Because he wasn’t the man I’m in love with. The man I’ve never stopped being in love with. The man who owns my heart, body, and soul. The same one who’s sitting right in front of me, but won’t look in my direction because he’s scared I’ll disappear.” She slowly crawled her way in front of me, sitting up on her knees. Staring straight into my eyes. She leaned forward and grabbed hold of the sides of my face, her lips inches away from mine. Adding, “I’m here, Creed. It took me a long time to get here. But I’m here nonetheless. For you. I can’t say I chose you because there’s never been a choice to make. It was always you... ya feel me?” She shyly smiled, throwing my line back at me.
I couldn’t control it, as much as I wanted to, narrowing my eyes at her, I spewed, “What makes you think I even want ya anymore?”
Her eyes widened and her lips parted, not expecting me to say that.
“I asked you a question. Expectin’ a fuckin’ answer, Mia.”
Her hands dropped from my face into her lap, defeated. A look of pure hurt crossed her eyes that were now glossy. It wasn’t my intention to cause her any pain, but she needed to know I wasn’t some fucking dog that would sit and roll over on her demand. Just because she was finally ready, didn’t mean I was quite there yet. Of course, I fucking wanted her. I had been waiting for her to come back to me for as long as I can remember.
She surprised me when she said, “I don’t know, but I’m calling bullshit. I know you love me, still. I can feel it every damn day like no time has passed between us at all. I’m not expecting you to forgive me today, but I hope you can find me in your heart again. I never left, I was just hiding for a really long time.”
“Is that right?”
She nodded. “Let me make it up to you. Let me back in, and I will never leave again. You’re stuck with me now, Creed Jameson.”
Her breathing hitched, and her eyes dilated when I suddenly wrapped my arms around her. Lifting her tiny frame onto my thighs. All it would take was for me to kiss her, bite that goddamn bottom lip that had me hard just staring at it.
I. Needed. Her.
I was about to get lost in the moment and do exactly that, but the horn from the train blared nearby, breaking our connection.
With wide eyes she watched as every last car blew by with the breeze, not knowing what trains meant to me. The horn sounded three more times into the afternoon air as it clinked along the old tracks. All I did was watch her. I wanted to remember everything about that moment. The way she looked, the way she felt, but mostly the way she made me fucking feel. Searing and scarring me in ways I never wanted to recover from.
I heard the last car squeal down the tracks. “Pippin,” I rasped, bringing her attention back to me.
My fingers ran up her arms, stopping when I reached her face. Brushing along her cheeks with my thumbs, I finally got to trace her pouty fucking lips like I wanted to for the last two and half years. Trailing them down to the back of her nec
k, pulling her closer to me, as close as she could get.
“I fuckin’ love you. I won’t lose you again,” I paused, searching her expression. “For the first time in my life, I watched a train go by, and I didn’t want to haul ass on it.” Her eyebrows lowered as I peered deep into her eyes, confessing my truths. Placing my lips close to hers, I murmured, “Marry me.” I didn’t give her a chance to reply.
No longer being able to restrain myself, I crashed my mouth onto hers. Clutching harder onto the sides of my face, biting her goddamn bottom lip exactly the way I had fantasized moments ago. My tongue found hers. The slightest feel of her drove me over the edge, and all we were doing was kissing. I couldn’t fucking wait to have my hands on her, my cock in her. Our tongues continued to move in sync with one another, colliding, afflicting, and penetrating deep into my soul. Where she fucking belonged.
I kissed her one last time, letting my lips linger for a few more seconds. Resting my forehead against hers, breathing profusely. My hands clutched the sides of her face with my eyes still closed as well. Needing a moment to take her in. To take all of this in.
I felt her smile against my mouth and whisper, “Yes.”
My eyes instantly opened, and for the first time since she woke up in that hospital bed, I saw my future.
She pressed her hands against my chest, swallowing hard, peeking up at me through her lashes. “Take me home. Now.”
I didn’t have to be told twice.
My hands fell to her ass, gripping it tight, picking her up in one swift motion as I got to my feet. Causing her skirt to ride up her thighs, making her straddle my waist as I walked us back toward my bike. Bringing back all the memories of the first time I did this, consuming the both of us. My senses were heightened, taking in the scent of her all around me, plunging my tongue deep into my mouth. Unable to get enough of her.
The taste of her was all around me.
I straddled my bike with her now on my lap, yanking her closer, molding us into one person and claiming her like I did all those years ago.