“Are you serious? You want to play dad to a kid that’s not yours?” he asked, shaking his head in disbelief.
I didn’t actually know what I wanted. I didn’t exactly want to play dad, but I wanted Rosie, and she had a kid, so that came as part of the package. I shrugged. Too many thoughts were buzzing through my brain, and I didn’t know what to think any more.
“I like her and she has a kid, so I guess if I have to play dad, then I have to play dad. He looked like a cute kid last night, from what I saw of him,” I replied quietly.
“Holy shit, Nate. What the hell is wrong with you? Seriously, dude, you need to leave this girl alone. You can’t just go jumping into something with a single fucking mother! I mean, jeez, instead of going out and getting drunk, you’ll be staying home and changing diapers,” he said, clearly horrified.
I laughed at how clueless he was. “I’m pretty sure a four-year-old would be potty-trained, Seth.”
“Really? Oh… well that’s not the point. My point is, you can’t just fool around with this girl; she’s going to want something serious. She won’t be able to come out, get wasted, and have fun. She’s a mother! She’ll make you stay in all the time with her and you’ll turn into a bore. Just look at Ashton, he hardly ever comes out now, and then when he was out the other night he just wanted to go home to his wife and baby!”
I frowned, thinking about it. He was right, a relationship with Rosie would be incredibly grown up and I wasn’t really sure if I was mature enough for something like that. But the thing that was nagging at the back of my mind was this; Ashton was happy with his life. He loved being married and having a kid; even Seth had to admit that Anna was the best thing that ever happened to him. Maybe that could be me too. Maybe I could have that with Rosie and DJ; that contentment, love, companionship and stability. Maybe I needed to grow up and start living my life properly.
Of course, my life was easy and fun now, but it wasn’t exactly satisfying. Moving from one girl to the next sometimes left me feeling empty. Sometimes I just longed for someone to hold, protect, and call my own. Since I’d met Rosie I hadn’t been able to get her out of my head, she’d taken over everything, and I knew I needed to give it my best shot with her, otherwise I’d regret it.
“Yeah, but Ashton’s happy with Anna,” I reasoned. I glanced at my watch, hoping somehow the hours had magically passed and it was time to go talk to her, but – much to my disappointment – it was only just after twelve.
Seth nodded in agreement. “Yeah he is, but Ashton’s a different person to you. What makes you think that settling down can make you happy?”
“Because she’s smart, funny, kind, caring,” I answered. “She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and I can’t stop thinking about her.”
He sighed and looked at me. I could see the thought process going on in his eyes, he was trying to be understanding and sympathetic, but he obviously still thought I was crazy. “So, you like her and are going to be playing daddy from now on, huh?”
I frowned as the reality of the situation hit me again. “I don’t think so. Once she finds out about the girl from last night it’ll be game over anyway. She won’t want anything to do with me once I tell her,” I muttered sadly.
“So don’t tell her.” He shrugged casually and turned, starting to make some sandwiches.
Don’t tell her? Could I do that? If I didn’t tell her then I wouldn’t lose her, but could I really start something with her based on a lie? Surely that would eat me up inside eventually.
“I can’t do that…” I trailed off; my mind was off somewhere having a mental debate about the ethics of omitting a little fact to save a relationship.
He raised one eyebrow. “Why not? You like her. If you tell her then there’s no way she’s going to want to be with you and then you’ve lost her. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
I chewed on my lip; his words seemed to be making sense to me, and that was worrying in itself. I really shouldn’t be listening to relationship advice from Seth Monterary. I should take whatever he’s saying, flip it around and do the opposite, because his advice was bound to be wrong. So that meant I had to tell her.
“Imagine how apologetic she’s going to be. As far as she’s concerned, she’s the one in the wrong here. She didn’t tell you she had a kid; she’s going to be begging to make that up to you in some way. If you don’t tell her what you did, then imagine all the things she’ll do for you to apologise.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
I didn’t speak, so he continued. “My guess is she’ll forget the little rule about not wanting to sleep with you until she’s in love. You could come out of this with a pretty sweet little set up, Nate.”
I tried not to consider it, I really did, but Seth was right, if I didn’t admit to sleeping with that girl last night then as far as Rosie is concerned she was the one in the wrong. I would get a shot with her. She would never find out, how could she? The only ones that knew were me, Minnie, and now Seth.
What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her…
In the back of my head though, I knew it was wrong. I couldn’t start something that could, potentially, turn serious, while I knew deep down that I didn’t deserve her because I’d lied. I had to tell her because she would be thinking that I was this awesome guy, so different to the guy that hurt her, but yet I would be exactly the same as him.
My body was screaming at my mind to shut up and go along with the lie, to keep up the pretence, to let Rosie feel a little guilty and want to make it up to me. I couldn’t help but start to think of all the things she might do to apologise for it. The thoughts alone made my heart speed up.
“Seriously, if it were me, not that I ever plan on getting into a situation as fucked up as this one, but if it were me, then I’d just forget last night ever happened. I’d let her fall all over me, telling me how sorry she was. I’d probably make her beg for another shot, just to show her who wore the pants in the relationship,” Seth said, shrugging and sliding a plate with a sandwich across the counter to me.
And with that little speech he made my mind up for me. My earlier thought was right – whatever Seth would do, I needed to do the exact opposite.
Chapter Twelve
My heart was racing as I stood outside her door with my hand raised and my finger poised over the button for her apartment.
“Shit, please let this work out,” I whispered, rubbing a hand over my face, trying to calm my nerves. I glanced at my watch again. 19:54. I had been standing here for the last eight minutes trying to summon up the courage to press the buzzer and see her. I forced my finger down onto the button, fighting the sudden urge to run away and do this over the phone instead. That way I wouldn’t have to see that look in her eyes when she found out I was a lying, good for nothing player, just like she’d first thought.
“Hello?”
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Damn it, Nate! I slapped my palm against my forehead and squeezed my eyes shut. “Hey, Rosie, it’s Nate,” I mumbled, my voice tight.
“Hey… er… Come on up.”
When the front door lock clicked, I pushed it open and stumbled my way up the stairs, shifting the flowers that I’d bought from one hand to the other. By the time I got up to the top, she had her door open, waiting for me. I groaned because I was hoping to have another few seconds to compose myself before I knocked.
She was standing there, chewing on her lip nervously, her eyes tight and apologetic. She looked beautiful as usual, and it really hit me just how crazy I was about this girl. She had me under some kind of spell. I needed to make this right, no matter what it took.
“Hi,” she half-whispered, as I stopped in front of her. She looked so guilty that it made me feel even worse; clearly she was punishing herself over not telling me.
I nodded; I didn’t even know if I could speak, so I just held the flowers out to her like a complete loser. She looked down at them, frowning. Confusion stretched across her face as h
er eyes flicked back to me. She was definitely expecting me to be angry with her about DJ.
“What are these for?” she asked, shaking her head looking at me in disbelief.
I gritted my teeth. There were only two reasons that I knew of for a guy giving a girl flowers… you were either trying to get in her pants, or saying sorry. “I saw them and thought I would get them for you,” I lied. In actual fact, I had driven twenty minutes out of my way to go to the florist that I knew did the pale pink roses that she seemed to like in the last bouquet I’d bought her.
She smiled. “They’re beautiful. Thank you.” She looked back over her shoulder into her apartment. “Want to come in and we can talk?”
I nodded eagerly and followed her in. She headed straight for the kitchen, putting the flowers in a jug of water. She laughed quietly. “I guess I need more than one vase, I’ve never needed more than one before,” she joked, nodding at the flowers I’d bought her last night.
My eyes flitted around the kitchen, looking for signs of her having a son. A couple of plastic beakers and patterned bowls were drying on the sink, and a Toy Story place mat resided on the table. I frowned, wondering if they’d been there the last couple of times I’d come over. Could I possibly have been too wrapped up in Rosie to notice that a kid lived here too? There was a pretty good chance of that being true; Rosie did seem to capture all of my attention when she was around.
“Is your son in bed?” I asked, willing my voice to come out normally.
She nodded and smiled apologetically. “Yeah, I put him to bed a little early tonight; he was tired after being at the hospital.”
Now that she’d mentioned it, I noticed how tired she looked too.
“How is he?” I asked, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
“He’s good. The medicine helps with the pain. I gave him plenty of candy like you said.” She laughed uncomfortably, and I couldn’t help but smile. She looked so beautiful when she laughed.
Okay, I need to say it now. I’d prepared my speech about how we weren’t exclusive and how I was confused; I just hoped I remembered everything that I wanted to say. Actually, I hoped that I got a chance to get it all out before she kicked me in the balls and pushed me out of her front door.
Rosie turned and started making the coffee, so I stepped closer to her, putting my hand on the small of her back, ignoring how she seemed to shiver lightly under my fingers.
“Rosie, last night I-” I started, but she shook her head and turned around to face me.
“I know, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but I promise I was going to tell you. I just thought you would run a mile from me as soon as you knew. I just wanted to enjoy being wanted, just for a little while,” she said, looking at me pleadingly.
Shit, I need to say it! I nodded and smiled. She needed to stop beating herself up about it. It was just a little omission of the truth; I could understand her reasons for not telling me. It was just the repercussions of last night that were coming back to bite us both in the ass.
“I’m not running anywhere,” I confirmed.
She closed her eyes and her shoulders seemed to relax as she exhaled sharply. “You don’t care that I have a four-year-old son?” she asked, her eyes opening and searching my face, probably for signs of lying.
I gulped and shook my head. Man up, Nate, open your mouth and say it!
She smiled her heart-breaking smile before she stepped forward and gripped the front of my shirt. I barely had time to realise what she was doing before she pulled my mouth down to hers, kissing me hard.
I moaned at the feel of her lips on mine; I’d never thought I would get to kiss her again. This wasn’t how I imagined tonight going down at all. I wasn’t complaining though. I kissed her back, pulling her close as I traced my tongue along her bottom lip.
I shouldn’t be doing this…
She opened her mouth and I slipped my tongue in, tasting her. Her hands tangled into the back of my hair as I pushed her against the counter, kissing her deeply. It was so good that it was making my head spin. Without needing to think about it, my hands slid down to her hips, gripping tightly before lifting her onto the kitchen counter. She moaned into my mouth as her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist.
Seth was right. She was definitely sorry, and I had a feeling I could get a lot of things out of her if I wanted to. Rosie’s hands ran over my shoulders, tracing the skin at the base of my throat. Her fingers played with the buttons of my shirt teasingly. The hair on the nape of my neck stood on end.
I really shouldn’t be doing this. I need to stop…
Her lips left mine, only to pepper little kisses across my jawline and neck, nibbling gently. “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you,” she whispered, her hot breath blowing across the skin of my neck, making me shiver lightly.
I tried to force myself to speak, but she nibbled on my Adams apple lightly, which turned my brain off completely. My hands tightened on her hips, my fingers probably digging into her skin, but she didn’t complain. Instead, her legs tightened on my waist, pulling me impossibly closer.
“Rosie, last night I-” I started again, but her hand covered my mouth, halting my confession. Her eyes met mine. The way she was looking at me sent shocks through my whole body. Tenderness, gratitude, passion and definitely a lot of lust, all of those emotions were displayed clear in her eyes; she was like an open book.
“You really are incredible. I never thought in a million years that you would want anything to do with me when you found out. Do you still want to see me even though I have a baby?” she asked quietly. Her vulnerability was entirely exposed; the confident, sassy girl was gone for the moment and she was finally opening up to me… and I didn’t deserve it.
“Yeah, I still want to see you, but…” I trailed off, running my hands up and down the outside of her thighs, feeling the material of her leggings under my fingers.
She smiled and laughed quietly, looking at me like I was some sort of god or something. Her legs unwound from my waist as she set one hand on my chest and pushed me back a couple of steps. I watched as she jumped off the counter and took my hand.
“Well, in that case, how about I make coffee in a little while?” she suggested, looking at me seductively.
Oh man, I’m in so much trouble…
She tugged on my hand gently, leading me out of the kitchen. I was desperately fighting my player side that was loving every second of this appreciation and attention. But it wasn’t real.
When we got to the sofa, she pushed me down first, before settling herself on my lap, straddling me, pressing her chest to mine. Every inch of the body that I’d dreamed about was crushed against mine, and it felt better than I ever imagined it would. Her hand gripped the back of my hair tightly, her eyes burning into mine as her mouth started inching towards mine.
This was it, the final decision. I could do as Seth said and forget about the girl last night and have this, possibly forever. Or I could do the right thing and tell her what a shallow, cowardly, useless moron I was, and pray that she would still give me another shot.
Just as her lips were about to connect with mine, I pulled my head back. My heart was crashing against my ribs, and my blood seemed to run cold as I prayed with every bone in my body that she would see this from my side of things.
“Rosie, don’t,” I whispered. The disappointment was clear across her face. She thought I was rejecting her. “I need to tell you something. Please hear me out, alright? Please let me explain,” I begged.
She looked up at me curiously. “This doesn’t sound like something I’m going to like.”
I shook my head and willed her to understand. “I saw you at the hospital last night with that guy, your ex. I assumed you were together. He was rubbing your back, and I thought you and the little kid were like a proper little family. I thought you were using me. I thought I was just some kind of affair or something,” I said, taking a deep breath before I continued. “You never told me you had a kid, but yo
u did say you had a man. I saw this guy and I thought that he was your man and that you two had a kid together.”
She nodded and frowned, her hand moving out of my hair, resting on my shoulder instead. She was still sitting on my lap, and I had the strong urge to pin her there so she couldn’t escape when I told her the rest.
“I got really angry at you because I thought you were just using me for a bit of fun, just jerking me around, and I was really starting to like you,” I admitted. “I was so angry that I drove straight to the nearest bar and I got drunk, and I… I…” Shit, Nate, just say the damn words!
She closed her eyes. “You slept with someone else,” she guessed, her voice emotionless and casual as if we were discussing the weather.
“Yeah,” I croaked, begging her with my eyes for forgiveness.
She nodded and shrugged. “Okay. I guess I should have seen that coming,” she said, almost to herself.
“Rosie, I was so confused. It hurt me seeing you with that guy, and I jumped to completely the wrong conclusions. I should have stayed and asked you to explain but instead I went to the bar and tried to drink everything away. I’m so sorry, please understand. I was hurting. I thought you were married, I wouldn’t have done it otherwise, I swear,” I whispered.
She sighed and pushed herself up off my lap, looking down at me with a calm, almost serene expression on her face. “I understand, and that’s fine. That’s what I expected of you really. All guys are the same.” Her voice was tight, but other than that, emotionless. “Please leave, Nate.”
What? I’m not leaving without being able to explain! I pushed myself up off the sofa too. “Rosie, please! I thought there was no chance of us being together. I thought you were married with a kid. I thought you were just using me to make your married life a little more adventurous. I was angry and got it wrong. It was a mistake.