"I figured as much." He studied her face for a moment. "Option number two is we cab it to Stanford and find Erik. Borrowing his car will be faster than waiting until tomorrow morning for the next train?"
"Done." Lila said at once. She frowned at him. "Wait. Why did you present that like it was a bad option?"
Beau heaved a sigh and nodded toward the station's doors. "Do you want to find a cab or stand here talking about how great your missing boyfriend is?"
Fuming, Lila brushed past him and headed for the doors. Suddenly, she was desperate to see Erik, to remind herself what a great guy looked like.
The cab reached Palm Drive, the palm tree-lined stretch that served as the entrance to Stanford, at exactly 2:12 a.m.
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Even though she was exhausted, Lila marveled at the lush oval great lawn and the graceful stone buildings that stood sentinel over it.
She climbed out of the cab, leaving Beau to pay the driver, and took a moment to drink in her dream campus. Since she was a little kid, the word college had evoked images of Stanford--the red-roofed buildings, the colorful facade of Memorial Church, the rolling foothills that loomed in the distance. Tonight, students in small groups wandered across the wide lawns and walkways, heading to and from parties. Their laughter and shouts cut through the darkness, making Lila's whole body tingle in anticipation. Suddenly, she knew that everything was going to be okay.
"So...where do we look first?" Beau asked, coming up behind her. The cab picked up a pair of drunk boys dressed in eighties gear and sped off. "Any idea where he'd be?"
His tone sounded the opposite of thrilled, like of all the mishaps they'd endured tonight, this was a particularly excruciating chore. For him, it probably was. She thought of what he'd said back in ninth grade, after he'd found out Lila was dating Erik. I'm sure you two will have a lot to talk about, he'd sneered. Like Erik, Erik, and, oh yeah, more Erik.
"Of course I know where he'll be," she said loftily, and quickly led Beau down the path to the Green Library. The building soared above the quad, red-roofed and graceful, practically daring you to come inside and learn.
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Lila opened the door to the side entrance Erik had showed her when she'd visited in October, then wove her way through the labyrinth of bookshelves and study carrels. It didn't take long to find Erik's favorite study spot, hidden away in a corner of a special collections room.
It was empty.
"That's weird," Lila said, frowning at the wood desk.
"Maybe he's sitting somewhere else," Beau suggested. "This place is huge." He turned on his heel and started down a different aisle.
Lila trailed after Beau, supposedly searching for Erik, but her heart wasn't in it. He had told Lila a million times that he did all his work in that nook, and Erik was a guy who liked his habits. Meaning...if he wasn't in his usual spot, he wasn't studying.
"Maybe he's back in his dorm room," Lila said, as much to herself as to Beau, when they walked back out of the library.
"Yeah, you're probably right." Beau nodded all too agreeably.
Lila hitched her purse higher on her shoulder, not trusting the casualness of Beau's words.
They walked in silence across the library's lawn over to the main quad, where Erik's all-freshman residence hall was located.
A boy in a Santa hat and boxers let them into the building.
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Lila had to stop herself from running up the poured concrete steps to Erik's room on the fourth floor.
When they reached 4C, Lila elbowed Beau out of the way. "Let me do the talking." She pounded on his door for a full minute, but there was no answer.
Beau cocked an eyebrow. "Try the door," he suggested.
"And totally violate his privacy?" Lila huffed, hands on hips. Cool girlfriends did not storm their boyfriends' rooms in the middle of the night. Well, unless a make-out session was involved.
Beau just tapped his watch, then turned the metal door handle.
The door swung open noiselessly. Beau lounged in the doorway while Lila walked inside and stood for a moment, breathing in the emptiness. There was a light on next to Erik's bed, his laptop closed up tight on his desk. The window was open, and there was a duffel bag on the floor, but no clue as to Erik's whereabouts. She could feel Beau's eyes watching her.
He wasn't in the library. He wasn't in his room.
Lila was forced to confront the possibility that she didn't know Erik's every last move the way she thought she did. And she could tell by the way Beau was flaring his nostrils that he'd reached the same conclusion. A rush of irrational anger coursed through her veins--at Erik for vanishing into thin air but, even more, at Beau for witnessing it.
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"What are we going to do?" she asked, sinking down on the bed as calmly as possible. Her throat felt tight, and her left leg was shaking the way it always did when she was on the verge of hysteria. "I have no idea where he is."
The strains of a Kanye song floated through Erik's window, followed by a loud crash and a high-pitched giggle.
"Sounds like someone is having a serious party," Beau said, ignoring her question and--thankfully--her glassy eyes. He crossed the room and stuck his head out the window. "I think it's just one floor down."
"Well, I'm glad someone's having fun," she muttered as the new JT hit started blaring. She thought briefly of all her friends at Yoon's party, taking pictures, playing Beirut, and probably laughing about how poor Lila got grounded because of her loser brother.
"Come on," Beau said, standing up and jerking his chin toward the door. He was grinning.
"Huh?" She blinked up at him.
"Weren't you supposed to be at a party tonight?" he asked. "So what if this one is three hundred and fifty miles away from the one you planned?"
Lila shook her head but got up. She and Beau followed the noise downstairs until they found themselves on the edge of a
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huge party spilling out from a set of rooms along the third floor hallway. Everywhere Lila looked, happy Stanford students drank from red plastic cups, laughed with their friends, or danced on. blond wood desks.
Naturally, Beau dove right into the chaos.
Lila reached out and grabbed the back of his hoodie, which didn't exactly stop him in his tracks. Instead, she somehow found herself moving through the throngs to keep up with him.
"What are you doing?" she demanded.
"This is a party, Lila." He glanced back at her, smirking a bit. "Surely you of all people know how to party."
"Very funny," she said, having to lean closer and raise her voice over the music. "We are not here to party. We are here to find Erik, get his car, and stop our moronic brothers before they actually make it to the North Pole!"
"Yes," Beau said, turning to face her. Her hand dropped away from his sweatshirt. The smirk left his lips, his eyes suddenly serious as they met hers. "But we don't even know what train they're on at this point"
"Beau, we don't--" Lila began.
"Lila." The way he said her name made her go quiet. Or maybe it was how the light bouncing off the haphazardly strung-up disco ball made his eyes seem oddly hypnotic.
"Cooper and Tyler--"
--are probably being fussed over by some sweet Amtrak
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worker right now," Beau said. "They have a phone. They'll call if they need us. And how far can they get tonight?"
"I don't know," she said. A lump lodged itself in the back of her throat. She swallowed hard. A group of kids in the hall were chanting, "Chug, chug, chug!"
"Breathe," he instructed. "We've had a very long, very stressful day. We've been hitting our heads against walls all night. Let's relax for a few minutes--regroup. Maybe taking a second for ourselves will help."
She let his words sink in, and just like that, the lump evaporated. Maybe Beau was right. How much more defeat could she handle tonight anyway?
Why not enjoy an illicit Stanford party?
"Atta gi
rl" Beau angled her around a couple far too busy crawling all over each other to move aside, and snagged them two Cokes before finding wall space to lean against.
"Not exactly party material," Lila teased him, waving her can of Coke at him. A girl next to her swayed on four-inch heels. The couple in the corner continued to grope each other.
"Well, as much as I want to do a keg stand with all the frat boys," Beau replied with an exaggerated sigh, "I do have to drive later, so--"
"Bummer." She laughed and cracked open her can. Already she could feel the tension leaving her body. "I know how much you love keg stands"
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"It's a seriously underappreciated art form," Beau deadpanned.
Lila took a long pull of her lukewarm soda and watched in amazement as a red-faced boy staggered down the hall and tripped over his own feet. He plowed, face-first, into what was once a coffee table, crumpling it beneath his weight as he fell.
"So this is what you wanted to do to your parents' house?" Beau leaned back against the wall and smiled slightly, like the chaos pounding around them was a movie he was watching. Lila studied him for a second. He looked out of place in the crowd of prepsters, but it wasn't just his clothes. Beau stood differently than the other guys. More sure on his feet, somehow. And Lila had a feeling it wasn't just because he was sober.
"Please," Lila said breezily. "I wasn't throwing a frat party!"
"Ah, yes. Because high school parties are way more refined," Beau said. Teasing her, she realized as he grinned down at her. Not provoking. Just teasing.
"My parties, by definition, are the classiest high school parties in Southern California," she told him grandly. "Or would be, if I could throw one without Cooper ruining everything"
"You know, classy and high school party are not terms you often find in the same sentence."
"You are such a snob," she told him.
He let out a bark of laughter. "How can you even say that with a straight face?" he asked, grinning at her. "Seriously"
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Lila tried to frown, but her lips curved up in a grin instead. She'd forgotten how well they did the light, fun banter thing.
The room had gotten even more crowded, and now Beau was standing just inches from Lila. His whole body was angled toward her, his arm brushing against her shoulder.
Just then, the make-out couple finally broke apart for some air, and the girl began dancing. "I love this song!" she shrieked, moving her hips to the driving beat.
The girl's make-out partner locked his arms around her waist from behind. Lila saw the spray of freckles on his neck, first--the ones that almost exactly replicated the Big Dipper. Then she saw the sloppy, sexy smile he directed at the girl who shimmied in front of him. Finally, she saw the way he cocked his head so that his blond hair flopped a little bit to the side, like a little boy's.
Lila's stomach dropped through her feet and smacked into the floor. Her mouth fell open. Time stopped.
It was Erik.
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Chapter 12
*** STANFORD UNIVERSITY
PALO ALTO, CA
DECEMBER 23
2:31 A.M.
***
Lila staggered out of the heavy dormitory doors. She sucked in a breath, then another, but still felt like she couldn't breathe. Like there was a giant hand wrapped around her ribs, crushing her. She looked around wildly, unable to get her bearings. She could hardly believe what she'd seen, even though she'd seen it with her own eyes. Eyes that she would gladly rip out of her head, if it meant she could erase that vision. Her brain kept playing the scene over and over again--the way Erik had kissed the girl, how his hands had traveled down her body...
"Stop it!" she hissed at herself. Her stomach roiled, and her breath came fast and shallow. Heat prickled behind her eyes, and she knew that she was seconds away from bursting into tears, crumpling to the ground, and sinking into a gooey mess of despair
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"Lila!"
Beau dashed out of the dorm, the door slamming loudly behind him. It was only then that Lila realized she was moving. Running, actually, putting space between her and that damn party and the sickening realization that Erik wasn't the guy she'd thought he was. That she didn't know him at all--because the Erik she knew never would have had his tongue down some random girl's throat at a party he was supposed to be too busy to go to in the first place. Lila felt a sob catch in her throat, and fought it back down. She would not cry. Would not break. Would not let her guard down in front of Beau.
But she did stop walking. Leaning against a scratchy palm trunk, she steadied her breathing. The dorm behind them was still pounding out the music. A group of college kids walked by, undoubtedly tipsy, all of them laughing as the guy in the middle told a story that required huge hand gestures.
"I don't want to talk about it," Lila snapped at Beau when he jogged to her side. She crossed her arms tightly over her chest, like it would help her keep everything inside.
"Fine," he told her.
But she could feel his reaction, the judgment vibrating off him like an electric charge, and she hated him for it. She hated Erik for doing this to her, and she hated herself for being so stupid, so gullible, so trusting.
"I'm serious!" she cried. A wave of humiliation crashed over
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her. Her cheeks burned, but her body felt cold and shaky. "Like it isn't bad enough that my boyfriend is cheating on me?" she demanded, as if Beau had said something instead of just quietly judging her. "It has to be in front of you, of all people?" Her voice cracked when she said you. Terrific.
"What did you expect?" Beau asked, in a tone completely devoid of anything resembling sympathy. "Erik is a douche."
Lila's mouth fell open. "Excuse me?"
A normal person would comfort a girl who had just witnessed her boyfriend cheating on her, no matter how complicated his relationship with the girl and the boyfriend in question. A gentle don't cry pat on the back. A hug, even. But Beau was not normal. He was a sadist. Why offer comfort when he could criticize instead?
"Come on, Lila: Beau said, sounding almost impatient. "I'm not saying anything you don't already know. Are you really that surprised?"
He pursed his lips, like he was physically restraining himself from saying I told you so. Instantly, she was transported back to that awful conversation outside the cafeteria. She could see his superior sneer, that disappointed yet mocking gleam in his eyes. Could feel her stomach cramp at his contempt.
"Really?" she demanded. They were standing in the middle of the crosswalk, with dark green lawns all around them. She used to dream about walking across these fields with Erik.
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"Really, Beau? We catch my boyfriend of three years sucking face with some college slut at a frat party and the only thing you can manage to say is that he's a douche?" "What else is there to say?" he asked, pushing his dark hair away from his blue eyes. "It's the unavoidable truth about Erik Hollander."
Lila was so furious her ears were ringing. "What kind of human being are you? Who says something like that?"
"You're yelling at me?" Beau replied, amazed. "Reality check, Lila. I'm not the guy you're mad at."
The ringing in her ears got even louder, and she opened her mouth to tear into Beau
But then she realized the ringing was not, in fact, in her head. It was in her pocket. Someone was calling Beau's phone. Lila wasn't sure if she was happy to be interrupted, but she tore the phone out of her pocket anyway and blinked at the damn thing until it made sense.
Lila, read the display.
"Cooper!" Lila cried into the phone. "Where are you?" She was annoyed when Beau moved closer, pushing his head near hers so he could hear too. She wanted to hit him, not cuddle over a phone with him.
"You guys looked so mad!" Cooper crowed. "We figured when the train got delayed that you guys might catch up to us, but we never thought we'd get to see you. How awesome was that?"
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"Yeah,
awesome Lila said sarcastically. A university cop made his way down the path, eying Lila and Beau suspiciously before moving on. "It's the middle of the night and you're roaming around San Jose by yourself--you, who have nightmares after watching totally not scary movies. Really awesome, Coop."
"We're not in San Jose," Cooper told her, giggling. The unmistakable sound of Tyler's laughter could be heard in the background, egging him on. Beau leaned in even closer. Lila fought the urge to elbow him. Hard. "I told you, we thought you might catch up with us. So when we saw you get on the train, we jumped off. And then the last train of the night came through like ten minutes later! Ha!"
"Ha-ha," Lila said, miserably. "Please tell me you're on the last train of the night heading back to L.A."
"Nope." Cooper laughed again. "Oh, and Mom called." Lila froze.
"What did she say?" Lila asked, trying to sound calm. She felt Beau shift beside her.
"I told her you were in the shower," Cooper said blithely. "She said they were having fun with Aunt Lucy, and Phoenix is really hot, and she'd see us Sunday night."
Sunday night. The words echoed in Lila's head like a death sentence. "Great," Lila said, pressing her free hand against her forehead and the sudden headache that bloomed there. "And
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what do you think she's going to do when she gets home and discovers you're on your way to the North Pole, Cooper?"
"Oh, she loves Santa too," Cooper said happily, reminding Lila that no matter how annoying he was, he was still only eight years old. And clearly living in a fantasy world. A fantasy world Lila could shatter with the simple truth about Santa Claus. But something held her back from saying it. Perhaps it was the vision of being grounded for the next seventeen years.
"To me, Cooper!" she cried, frustrated. "What do you think she's going to do to me?"
But Cooper only giggled some more.
"Sleep tight!" Tyler called in the background, and then the line went dead.
For a moment Lila stood, the phone still to her ear, as if mid-conversation with a reality check. Her party had blown up in her face. Her mission to recover Cooper had failed. Her relationship with Erik was nothing but a lie. And every tick of her watch brought her closer to doom.