Or one if by land And none if by sea?
Or none if by land.
Or was it three?
My memory's not What it used to be, And it's getting so foggy I hardly can see, And this hard, cold saddle Is killin' me --
Oh, what a ride This is gonna be.
HUMAN BALLOON
78
[Drawing: illustrates poem]
Hi-ho for the Human Balloon.
He guzzles up Pepsis and Cokes, Then gassy and bloaty And burpy and floaty He lifts off the ground, while his folks Hang on to the Human Balloon As he scoops them right up off the grass, And as they sail away They all cheer Hip-Hooray --
And pray he don't run out of gas.
SORRY I SPILLED IT
The ham's on your pillow, The egg's in your sheet, The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet, There's milk in the mattress, And juice on the spread --
Well, you said that you wanted Your breakfast in bed.
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COOKWITCH SANDWICH
I heard that Katrina The Cook was a witch, But me, I'm such A stupid kid, I yelled, "Hey! Katrina, Make me a sandwich,"
And ZAP --
She did!
[Drawing: old woman wearing apron holds out her hands towards a sandwich with hands, legs and a surprised looking face]
THREE O'CLOCK
I got the job as bell ringer --
DING-DONG -- DING-DONG -- DING-DONG.
I thought that meant I'd pull the rope --
I -- OUCH-OUCH-OUCH -- was wrong.
[Drawing: face hanging down inside of bell]
HI-MONSTER
[Drawing: long scaly tail]
What's that comin'
80
Through the mist?
The HI-MONSTER --
He's runnin' free.
And if his tail Is long as this Just think how big The HI-MONSTER must be.
[Drawing on next page: the other end of the monster, with small legs and a small smiling head saying "HI"]
POISON-TESTER
[Drawing: a child sitting at a table of food with a person standing over the plate with a fork and hair standing straight up]
I'm poison-tester-taster Tru.
I'm here to taste your food for you, 'Cause you could die in half a minute If there's one drop of poison in it.
That lemonade to quench your thirst?
You'd better let me taste it first.
Mmm -- it's OK, but these boysenberries --
81
I'll make sure they're not poisonberries.
Mmm -- no, they're safe, but that burger might Be deadly -- mmm -- no, it's all right.
And now I'll test your hot fudge sundae; Let's hope I'm not dead by Monday.
Mmm -- it seems OK, but the poison could be In the very last bite, so leave it for me.
Mmmm -- well, it's all safe and my job is through.
See how I risked my life for you?
DENTIST DAN
[Drawing: one-toothed face]
Nentis Nan, he's my man, I go do im each chanz I gan.
He sicks me down an creans my teed Wid mabel syrub, tick an' sweed, An ten he filks my cavakies Wid choclut cangy -- I tink he's The graygest nentis in the Ian.
Le's hear free jeers for Nentis Nan.
Pip-pip-ooray!
82
Pip-pip-ooray!
Pip-pip-ooray!
Le's go to Nentis Nan dooday!
KEEPIN' COUNT
[Drawing: illustrates poem]
Professor Bacar Keeps flies in a jar And asks, "Who can tell just how many there are?
'Cause whoever can count The exact right amount Will get a new bike And a 'lectric guitar."
So I start tryin, The flies they start flyin, I get to three million And seven, and then --
Some little fly lady Has one more fly baby, And I have to go back 83
And start over again.
CHRISTMAS DOG
[Drawing illustrates poem]
Tonight's my first night as a watchdog, And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleepin' all cozy upstairs, While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.
What's that now -- footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard --
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin, I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again, The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow And see how I've guarded the tree.
84
BITUMINOUS?
The hard coal's called bituminous, Or is that the anthracite?
Stalactites grow down from caves, Or do I mean stalagmites?
Those fluffy clouds are nimbus --
No -- wait -- they might be cumulus.
And that kid who was raised by wolves --
Was he Remus -- or Romulus?
The brothauruses ate no meat.
Does that means they're carnivorous?
Or were they brontosauruses And were they herbivorous?
A camel is a pachyderm --
Or do I mean dromedary?
Is this match inflammable?
I thought it was incendiary.
Octagons -- no hexagons --
No, heptagons have seven sides.
And don't spray fruit with pesticides --
85
Or do I mean insecticides?
If I can see right through a thing, Is it transparent -- or translucent?
These are just some of the things I find confusing ... or confuscent.
MUSIC LESSON
[Drawing: child carrying grand piano on his back up stairs]
I really should have studied flute, Harmonica, or chimes.
A clarinet is nice and light, A fiddle would be fine.
But I had to take piano, And my teacher is a brute.
He lives up seven flights of stairs.
(I wish I played the flute.) OOH!
I went to the petting zoo-zoo-zoo, I petted the baby gnu-nu-nu, I petted the cute cockatoo-too-too, I petted the kid kangaroo-roo-roo, 86
I petted the owlet too, too-woo, I petted the skunklet, too-pee-yoo, Then I did what one should never do-do-do: I petted the tigerlet too, ooh-ooh!
Won't somebody please tie my shoe?
Boo-hoo.
[Drawing: hand with three fingers missing]
CATJACKS
[Drawing: angry looking child playing jacks with a large cat who has a jack in its mouth]
Do not play jacks With the Jaguar cat --
You'll never ever beat her.
If she don't win, She'll start to whine.
If she gets an eight, She'll pick up nine She'll say she didn't, But you'll know she's lion --
She's such an awful Cheetah.
87
BLOOD-CURDLING STORY
That story is creepy, It's waily, it's weepy, It's screechy and screamy Right up to the end.
It's spooky, it's crawly, It's grizzly, it's gory, It's the awfulest story (Please tell it again).
BEST MASK?
[Drawing: A fence along the bottom of the page, with kids sitting along it.
From the left, the one with the "3rd Place" cup has a gorrilla head with long, sharp fangs and teeth; the one with the "4th place" cup is a rotted skull, with scraggly hair, no nose and crooked teeth; the "2nd Place" cup went to one with a horned (bull-like) head so large we can barely see the legs of the child underneath; 1st place went to a face like a gnome, with a pointy, scruffy chin, an ugly smile, a large droopy nose, ridged forehead 88
and pointed ears.]
They just had a contest for scariest mask, And I was the wild and daring one Who
won the contest for scariest mask --
And (sob) I'm not even wearing one.
THE NAP TAKER
[Drawing: a child stands before an accusing judge in a nightshirt; another child sleeps in a corner]
No -- I did not take a nap --
The nap -- took -- me Off the bed and out the window Far beyond the sea, To a land where sleepy heads Read only comic books And lock their naps in iron safes So that they can't get took.
And soon as I came to that land, I also came to grief.
The people pointed at me, shouting, 89
"Where's the nap, you thief?"
They took me to the courthouse.
The judge put on his cap.
He said, "My child, you are on trial For taking someone's nap.
"Yes, all you selfish children, You think just of yourselves And don't care if the nap you take Belongs to someone else.
It happens that the nap you took Without a thought or care Belongs to Bonnie Bowlingbrook, Who's sittin' cryin' there.
"She hasn't slept in quite some time --
Just see her eyelids flap.
She's tired and drowsy -- cranky too, 'Cause guess who took her nap?"
The jury cried, "You're guilty, yes, You're guilty as can be, But just return the nap you took 90
And we might set you free."
"I did not take that nap," I cried, "I give my solemn vow, And if I took it by mistake I do not have it now."
"Oh fiddle-fudge," cried out the judge, "Your record looks quite sour.
Last night I see you stole a kiss, Last week you took a shower, "You beat your eggs, you've whipped your cream, At work you punched the clock, You've even killed an hour or two, We've heard you darn your socks, We know you shot a basketball, You've stolen second base, And we can see you're guilty From the sleep that's on your face.
"Go lie down on your blanket now And cry your guilty tears.
I sentence you to one long nap 91
For ninety million years.
And when the other children see This nap that never ends, No child will ever dare to take
Somebody's nap again."
CAMP WONDERFUL
I'm going to Camp Wonderful Beside Lake Paradise Across from Blissful Mountain In the Valley of the Nice.
They say it's sunny, cool, and green, They say the angels made it.
The motto is "Be Fair and Care."
I know I'm gonna hate it.
QUALITY TIME
[Drawing illustrates poem]
My father is a golfer --
He lets me be his tee.
He puts the ball upon my nose And hits it right off me.
92
He says that I can share the joy Of every ball he hits.
Oh, ain't it grand to have a dad Who spends time with his kids.
THE FOLKS INSIDE
Inside you, boy, There's an old man sleepin, Dreamin', waitin' for his chance.
Inside you, girl, There's an old lady dozin"
Wantin' to show you a slower dance.
So keep on playin', Keep on runnin, Keep on jumpin' 'til the day That those old folks Down inside you Wake up ... and come out to play.
KEEP-OUT HOUSE
At last -- I finished my keep-out house, A house that's meant for privacy, 93
A house that's meant for peacefulness, A house just meant for only me.
There is no door where strangers knock, No window where they peek and grin.
A perfect private keep-out house. . .
Now ... how do I get in?
[Drawing: a long-haired person looks tiredly at a small house, building materials strewn about; the house has steps, but no door, a window-box of flowers, but no window, and signs reading "No Trespassing", "Private" and "Keep out". Best bet would be the chimney....]
HELP!
[Drawing: a unicorn sits, frustrated, with its horn through a tree]
I walked through the wildwood, and what did I see But a unicorn with his horn stuck in a tree, Cryin', "Someone please help me before it's too late."
I hollered, "I'll free you." He hollered back, "Wait --
How much will it hurt? How long will it take?
Are you sure that my horn will not scratch, bend, or break?
How hard will you pull? How much must I pay?
94
Must you do it right now or is Wednesday okay?
Have you done this before? Do you have the right tools?
Have you graduated from horn-savin' school?
Will I owe you a favor? And what will it be?
Do you promise that you will not damage the tree?
Should I close my eyes? Should I sit down or stand?
Do you have insurance? Have you washed your hands?
And after you free me -- tell me what then?
Can you guarantee I won't get stuck again?
Tell me when. Tell me how.
Tell me why. Tell me where...."
I guess that he's still sittin' there.
THE SACK RACE
Yes, it's time for the sack race.
Yes, I'm ready to go.
Yes, it's my first sack race.
How did you know ...?
[Drawing: three children with sacks, two of them standing in them, one of them with the sack over its head]
THREE STINGS
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[Drawing: three faces, one annoyed, one crying and one philosophical]
George got stung by a bee and said, "I wouldn't have got stung if I'd stayed in bed."
Fred got stung and we heard him roar, "What am I being punished for?"
Lew got stung and we heard him say, "I learned somethin' about bees today."
EGGS RATED
[Drawing: Person sitting at a table with a forkful and mouthful of food]
These eggs Are eggscellent.
I'm not eggsaggerating.
You can tell by my eggspression They're eggceptional --
Eggstra fluffy, Eggstremely tasty, Cooked eggsactly right By an eggspert With lots of eggsperience.
Now I'll eggsamine the bill....
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Ooh -- much more eggspensive Than I eggspected.
I gotta get out of here.
Where's the eggxit?
YUCK
[Drawing illustrates poem]
I stepped in something yucky As I walked by the crick.
I grabbed a stick to scrape it off, The yuck stuck to my stick.
I tried to pull it off the stick, The yuck stuck to my hand.
I tried to wash it off -- but it Stuck to the washin' pan.
I called my dog to pull me loose, The yuck stuck to his fur.
He rubbed himself against the cat, The yuck got stuck to her.
My friends and neighbors came to help --
Now all of us are stuck, 97
Which goes to show what happens When one person steps in yuck.
CLEAN GENE
Clean Gene is really clean --
He is a bath fanatic.
He has six washstands in his room And twelve tubs in his attic.
He'll wash before he goes to school, He'll rinse when he gets there.
At recess you can find him Rubbin' shampoo in his hair.
He buys each new deodorant To keep him smelling sweet, He hires a manicurist For each toenail on his feet.
He only will play baseball With a Q-tip in each hand, In case his ears get gritty From the winds and blowin' sand.
He wears a plastic bubble 98
So no germs can touch his shirt.
He will not eat potatoes 'Cause potatoes grow in dirt.
He carries toothpaste, and he'll brush And floss with zest and zeal Before -- and after -- and (I'm sorry) During every meal.
He has a shower above his bed To spray a soapy stream (Just in case he ever should Get dirty in his dreams).
He's hired a man named Henry Grunge, And when he goes to play, Grunge runs beside him with a sponge To wipe his sweat away.
He's built a
special music tub That he can sit right in 'Longside his music teacher While he plays the violin.
So when you go to visit Gene 99
Just make sure your jeans are clean, Just make sure your nails are scrubbed, Make sure you bring along your tub, And leave your shoes out in the hall --
If you visit Gene at all.
[Drawing: two people sit in a bathtub under tangled plumbing, one playing a violin, one holding a violin with sprung strings in one hand and music in the other, and an arm (which seems to belong to neither person) about to pull on a shower cord]
TELL ME
Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect --
But tell me the truth.
A USE FOR A MOOSE
100
The antlers of a standing moose, As everybody knows, Are just the perfect place to hang Your wet and drippy clothes.
It's quick and cheap, but I must say I've lost a lot of clothes that way.
[Drawing: naked person with annoyed expression watches moose run away with clothing draped over its antlers]
SOMETHIN' NEW
They say, "Come up with somethin' new And everyone will buy it."
So I came up with a paper umbrella, But no one was willing to try it.
And then I came up with reusuable gum.
It seemed such a pity to waste it.
Then I came up with some mustard ice cream.
Nobody bothered to taste it.
So now I've invented a plug-bottom boat.
It's just what you need, there's no doubt, 101
'Cause if any water should ever splash in, Just pull the plug -- it'll all run out.
MOLLY'S FOLLY
[Drawing illustrates poem]
Jolly Molly Went to Bali, Bought a skateboard, Tried an Ollie.
Lost her hat, Dropped her dolly, Landed splat
Right on her collie.
Collie yelled, "You're off your trolley!"
He bit Molly on her lolly --
That's why Molly Isn't jolly, By golly!
THE SMILE MAKERS
[Drawing illustrates poem]
102
The grungy, grumpy, grouchy Giant Grew tired of his frowny pout And hired me and Lee to lift The corners of his crumblin' mouth.
That was last year -- and we've been here Sweatin', strainin' all the while.
Sometimes it sure can be hard work To make somebody smile.
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE
My uncle said, "How do you get to school?"
I said, "By bus," and my uncle smiled.
"When I was your age," my uncle said, "I walked it barefoot -- seven miles."
My uncle said, "How much weight can you tote?"
I said, "One bag of grain." My uncle laughed.
"When I was your age," my uncle said, "I could drive a wagon -- and lift a calf."
My uncle said, "How many fights have you had?"
I said, "Two -- and both times I got whipped."
"When I was your age," my uncle said, 103
"I fought every day -- and was never licked."
My uncle said, "How old are you?"
I said, "Nine and a half," and then My uncle puffed out his chest and said, "When I was your age... I was ten."
BODY LANGUAGE
Said my feet, "Hey, let's go dancin'."