“I’m fine, sugar.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers. “I’m so sorry that you had to go through that.”
I rest my lips on the top of her head and glide my fingers up and down her back, comforting her as much as me. “The worst was losing Miles.”
“Who was he?” She doesn’t pull away.
“I’d been in the same unit with him for years. We deployed together four times. I guess that besides Josh and Ty, he was my best friend.”
“How did he die?”
My chest clenches when I think back to that hot day in the desert.
“I’ll spare you the details,” I whisper and wrap my arms around her, hugging her close. “But our convoy was driving into Baghdad to get more supplies, and we hit an IED. I barely got a scratch. Miles lost both legs and bled out in my arms.”
“Zack,” she whispers again and lifts her head to kiss me. God, she’s so sweet, maybe the most loving woman I’ve ever met. “I’m so sorry,” she repeats.
The feelings I’ve been fighting for months rise up and overwhelm me, and all I can do is hug her close.
“I’m home, and I’m safe, and that’s all that matters.”
“Thank God you’re safe. Oh my God, Zack, I could have lost you before I ever really found you.” She sniffles and I brush a tear off her cheek.
“Don’t think that way, baby. You can what if all day long, but the reality is, nothing happened to me, and we’re here now.”
She nods and settles back down onto my chest. She soon falls asleep. Thor is snoring from his bed in the corner. I wonder if Seth is having fun tonight at his friend’s house. They’re probably watching horror flicks and eating too much junk food. I’m just thrilled that he’s made friends.
The guilt that grips my throat every time I think of my son has loosened with time, but it’ll never fully go away.
Not now that I know the battle he survived while I was off fighting a war of my own. If I could kill my ex-wife and every son of a bitch she let lay a hand on my son, I would happily rip them apart, one limb at a time. The best thing that ever happened to Seth and me was the day she brought him here and filed for divorce.
Thank God for that.
Jill stirs in my arms. I kiss her head again and smile. I can’t believe she’s here. I’ve wanted her here for months. Hell, years, if I’m being honest.
I don’t plan to let her go now.
“Zack, answer the phone,” Jill mumbles and nudges my arm. I yawn and turn toward the soft, sleepy woman, wrapping myself around her.
“I can think of better things to do.”
“It could be important.” She chuckles and climbs onto my chest as I check the time and answer the phone.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Dad.” Seth’s voice is happy and he’s clearly chewing on something crunchy.
“It’s seven in the morning, Seth.”
“I know. You’re awake, right? It’s, like, super late for you.”
“Actually, I was asleep, but you’re right, I should go check on some things. So what’s up?” Jill kisses my chest and her hand is roaming over my stomach, and my morning semi-wood is no longer a semi.
“Josiah’s dad says the roads are too icy to take me home today, so he said I should just stay here until tomorrow afternoon. Isn’t that cool? Please say yes.”
“That’s fine with me if it’s okay with Josiah’s dad.”
“It is. Cool. Thanks, Dad. How’s Thor?”
“Thor misses you, but he’s fine. Be good and call me if you need anything.”
“Okay. Bye!”
I throw the phone onto the floor and roll Jill beneath me and run into a wall of warm fur.
“Thor jumped up here about an hour ago,” Jill informs me with a laugh. I glance over at the dog’s face. His chin is resting on his paws, his eyebrows shooting up and down as he looks about innocently.
“You’re not innocent, you little mutt.”
“Be nice to him,” Jill insists and brushes her fingers through my hair. “He’s just a baby.”
“He’s got you wrapped around his paw.”
She grins and watches me with a sassy expression on her gorgeous face.
“It seems he’s not the only male around here under your spell. I have to let him outside, but I don’t want you to move from this exact spot. Understand?”
“Maybe I need to use the bathroom too.”
“You have thirty seconds.”
I run downstairs with the dog, let him out back, and set on a pot of coffee before returning to my bedroom. Jill is perched on the edge of the bed, the sheet wrapped around her. Her brown hair is tousled and falls around her face and shoulders, and her eyes are still sleepy.
She offers me a shy grin, and my gut clenches in lust and something else I’m not quite ready to recognize. “Hi.”
“Hi yourself.” I lean my shoulder on the doorjamb and cross my arms over my chest, watching her.
“Everything okay downstairs?”
“Fine,” I confirm. “I started some coffee.”
“Oh good, thanks.” She stands to pull on her clothes, but I move quickly, grab her hand, and pull her behind me to the master bathroom.
“What are you doing?”
“We’re going to take a shower.”
“I thought we were going to have coffee.”
“We will. After our shower. I owe you a few more orgasms.” Her jaw drops and she watches as I tug my boxers down and step out of them. “Like what you see?”
To my surprise she reaches out and runs just the tip of her finger down the length of my cock to the tip and back again. “I love this.”
I back away before I explode like a teenager and turn on the shower. “Stay with me this weekend.”
“I have things to do . . .”
I pull her to me and tilt her chin back. “Stay.”
“Okay.”
“First things first.” I pick her up and carry her into the shower. “I have to dirty you up before we get clean again.”
“Oh good. I like getting dirty.”
“Hi, Max.” Jill has Max on speakerphone and is typing furiously on the screen. We’ve been hanging out at the house today because it’s just been too cold outside to show her the ranch. “Yes, I found a few places and was about to send you an email.”
“Thanks, Jill. I appreciate it.”
She grins and nods. “No problem. Let me know if any of these look good and we’ll set up a time to go see them.”
“Sounds like a plan,” he replies.
“Great. See you soon.” She hangs up and her fingers continue to fly over the screen.
“How’s Max?” I ask.
“Fine. He’s looking for property to buy here.”
I nod and curse myself for being jealous. Who the fuck cares if Max wants to buy a house? I like Max. He’s my friend.
But I don’t love him calling Jillian.
“What have you been doing outside?” she asks while her nails click on her keyboard.
“Checking on things. It’s actually warming up out there a bit.”
“It’s nine at night,” she reminds me with a raised brow. “Is it clouding up?”
“Nope, but the ice is melting. In fact”—I walk to her and take her phone, set it aside, and pull her to her feet—“I have something to show you.”
“Outside?”
“Yes.” I help her step into her boots and bundle her up in her coat and scarf and take her hand in mine, leading her out the back door. We walk past the chicken coop, past the barn to the pasture beyond, where I’ve laid out a thick quilt to lie on and a quilt to cuddle up in.
“You want me to sit on the snow in the middle of winter at this time of night?”
“No,” I reply and guide her onto the quilt. “I want you to lie on it.”
She tilts her head, watching me, and I smile. “Trust me.”
“Okay.” We lie down, side by side, and I pull the heavy quilt over us and we gaze up at
the sky.
“I love the sky at night.” I turn my head to look at her profile as she stares up at the stars. “Everyone always talks about how big the Montana sky is, especially when it’s blue, but honestly, I think it looks bigger, more magnificent, on a clear winter night.”
“It’s gorgeous,” she whispers. “Look! A shooting star!”
“This is what I missed the most,” I murmur. “Josh and I used to sneak out at night and come out here to lie in the grass and watch the stars. Of course,”—I laugh and take her hand in mine, linking our fingers—“Mom knew. She just didn’t mind that we were sneaking out to look at stars rather than get in trouble.”
“Yeah, sounds like you were real party animals.”
“That came a bit later.”
“Oh my God, Zack, look!” She points to the left, where the mountains loom in the darkness, and I see it too. “Are those the northern lights?”
“Looks like we’re gonna get a light show.” We watch raptly while green and blue streaks fill the sky above the mountain. “Amazing. I’ve never seen them before.”
“Never?” she asks. I glance over at her. Her eyes are wide with wonder as the colorful lights fill the sky.
“What did you miss the most?” I ask her.
“Cara.”
I nod and we lie silently for a long while, watching the night sky give us the best show around.
“Why did you stay away for so long?” she asks softly without looking at me. I didn’t plan on this being the time when we’d share our secrets, but it’s appropriate. Montana is coming to life around us, and this is the most honest, calm moment of my life.
“War sucked ass,” I begin and point to another shooting star. “But living with Kensie was worse.” Her hand tightens in mine, but otherwise there is no indication that she’s uncomfortable, so I continue. “We got pregnant too young. Way too fucking young. It was a mistake, but I was taught to take care of my responsibilities, so I did. Married her. But with a wife and kid on the way, there was no way I could do college. The army was the best thing for all of us. So we left.”
I take a deep breath and let the memories come, wishing it were different.
“It was never good. Kensie is a selfish mess. She was never a touchy-feely mom, and I knew that, but she met Seth’s needs. He was just barely in school when I began the deployments, and when I came home on leave, he was always clean and happy.”
“What happened?” she asks.
“I don’t know for sure. I suspected for a while that Kensie was fucking around behind my back. I hadn’t slept with her in years, even when I was home on leave, and that was on purpose. I couldn’t stand her. I think that she saw that Seth was getting older, and able to fend for himself, so she left him to do just that. The kid can cook better than I can.”
“But?”
God, I don’t want to talk about this part.
I clear my throat and avoid her eyes when she turns on her side, watching my face.
“Zack?”
“I think she let the fuckers hurt him. Smack him around.” I cover my face with my hands and struggle to breathe.
“How do you know?” she asks softly.
“He mentioned it a few times after he started working with Cara, so I put him in counseling.”
“He’s doing so great, Zack. He’s happy and coming out of his shell.”
“I know. Thank God. But how could I have left him with her for so long . . .”
“You didn’t know.”
“I knew she was a selfish bitch.”
“You didn’t know that she’d allow something so horrible to happen to your son. You don’t have to be touchy-feely to be a decent human being, Zack. I’m just thankful that she doesn’t have anything more to do with either of you.”
“You and me both.” I let out the breath I’ve been holding and kiss her forehead. We settle back on the blanket, watching the sky erupt in red, orange, and blue. “You really need to think about whether or not you want to be involved with me and all of my baggage, sugar. ’Cause I have quite a lot of it.”
“Who doesn’t?” she scoffs.
“You don’t seem to.”
She erupts in laughter. “I’ve learned to cope, Zack. So is this what we’re doing? Spilling our guts?”
“I spilled some of mine. Maybe not all.”
She nods and thinks about it for a minute, then begins in a soft voice.
“My dad beat the shit out of my mom my whole life, and when Ty was away at college, he almost killed her.”
Rage boils up from my gut and my hands curl into fists. Ty is one of my oldest friends, so of course I knew some of what happened when he came home after graduation, but to hear it come from her lips, so matter-of-fact, it pisses me off all over again.
“Seeing Lauren in the hospital after Jack attacked her brought a lot of that baggage to the surface for me. I’ve had a few bad nights.”
“I’m sorry, baby. I wish I’d known.”
“I don’t think I was ready for you yet,” she admits. “And there’s more. It’s a long story, but the gist of it is, my ex-husband was a cheating bastard. He couldn’t keep it in his pants, and I realize now that that wasn’t my fault. But one thing you should know is . . .”
She pauses and bites her lip and then glances over at me with scared eyes.
“What?”
“I can’t ever have babies, Zack. I can’t get pregnant. We tried for years, worked with doctors, and it’s just not ever going to happen.”
The grief in her voice is my undoing. I pull her into my arms and kiss her head. “I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
“I’m healthy,” she confirms. “There’s no medical reason for it, it just is. So if you want to run, now might be the right time to do it.”
“Stop.” I pull back to look her in the eye. “We are going to take this one day at a time, sugar. See where it goes. I haven’t really given having more kids much thought. Seth is awesome, and a handful. I just want to enjoy you, continue spending time with you.” I lean in to whisper in her ear. “Be inside you as often as humanly possible.”
She giggles and kisses my cheek.
“We’ll figure the rest out.”
“Okay.”
“Now, lie back and watch this amazing show I arranged just for you.”
“This is pretty impressive,” she agrees and snuggles up to my side to watch the sky. We lie in silence for a long while until something suddenly occurs to me.
“Wait. Does this mean we don’t need condoms?”
She shrugs nonchalantly and grins. “Maybe.”
I cover her body with mine and bury my fingers in her spectacular hair. “Maybe what?”
Her eyes narrow and she suddenly looks uncertain.
“Until our amazing night this summer”—I kiss her lips—“I hadn’t been with a woman in close to four years. I didn’t cheat on my wife, Jill. I’ve had plenty of workups while in the army and I’m as healthy as can be.”
“I had myself checked too, especially after I found out Todd had been . . .” She can’t finish the sentence and I smooth my hand down her cheek.
“So, we don’t need them?” I ask hopefully.
“I guess not.”
I jump up to my feet and tug her up with me, roll the blankets up into a ball, and pull her behind me to the house.
“Hey! What about the big, amazing Montana winter sky?”
“Fuck the sky. I get to sink into you without a barrier between us, and I’m not waiting another minute.”
“Thank God.”
CHAPTER
Seven
JILLIAN
“Dad! I’m home!” Seth stomps through the house, greeted by a very excited Thor. “Hey, buddy! Where’s Dad?”
“Hey, Seth.” It’s Sunday morning and Zack and I are in the game room, me working some more on my phone, which makes me crazy—I wish I’d brought my computer—and Zack reading on his iPad. “You’re home early.”
“Josiah’s
dad said the roads were good enough, so he brought me home. Why is Jill’s car here?” He spies me sitting on the couch and he smiles shyly. “Hi, Jill.”
“Hi,” I reply with a smile, wondering how Zack is going to explain this. We had agreed that I’d leave before Seth returned home.
“Jill was out here yesterday to see Cara and she got stuck here because of the weather, just like you got stuck in town. She’s waiting for the roads to clear up.”
“Oh.” He shrugs and pets his dog. “What are we gonna do today?”
“Good question.” Zack grins over at me. “Can you stay for the afternoon?”
“If you would both like me to,” I reply carefully. “What do you have in mind?”
“It’s warm enough to take the snowmobiles out,” Zack suggests.
“Woo-hoo!” Seth exclaims and thrusts his fist in the air. “Can I drive?”
“You can drive in the field, where there are no fences or animals,” Zack says with a smile. “What do you say?”
Both of them stare at me hopefully. Even Thor looks hopeful with his tongue lolling out of his mouth. They’re so handsome, how can I refuse them?
“Come on, Jill,” Seth says while bouncing on his toes. “It’s so fun! You can ride with me. I’ll keep you safe.”
Zack’s gaze swings down at his son and then back to me with pride. I wink at him and then shrug. “Well, how can I resist that offer? Sounds like fun.”
“Go put your stuff in your room, Seth, and then we’ll go.”
Seth takes off like a shot up the stairs to his room, his dog running with him.
“You don’t have to take me along,” I say quietly. “I can just go on home and you can spend the afternoon with Seth.”
I push my phone in my pocket, and then Zack steps to me and tugs me to my feet and into his arms for a big hug.
“I want you to come with us. It’ll be fun.”
I lower my voice to a whisper as I hear Seth clomp down the hallway upstairs. “Do you really think you’re ready for me to start hanging out with your kid?”
“My kid already knows you, Jillian.” He kisses my forehead and then steps away as Seth runs back into the room, dressed in snow pants and jacket.