I am so fucked.
My chest tightened as he moved his hands over my back and ass, like he’d done a million times. It was familiar, but now it was empty; panic rising up inside me. His hands pressed me to him and I felt his erection pressing into my stomach.
“Forever. It’s been so long, babe. Let’s do it before dinner.”
I pushed away from him. “How romantic. You just swept me off of my feet,” I said coldly. He didn’t deserve my hostility, but I didn’t want his hands on me, his mouth pressing me for kisses. His face fell a little, and I regretted hurting him. None of this was his fault.
“I’m just really wiped out. I need to take a shower and get ready for dinner. The cast is taking us out.”
“Brook! You knew I was coming up here! Why do we have to go out with all of those people? You see them every goddamn day! If you’re tired, we should just stay in,” he said harshly.
I went to dig through my clothes and picked out jeans, a button-down shirt and clean underwear without saying anything. I knew whatever I said wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.
“Well?” David demanded.
“Well, these are my friends. They’ve become like my family. I’m isolated up here and we have all become pretty close. I want to spend time with them tonight. They’ve gone to all this trouble and this may be the only birthday I’ll ever get to celebrate with them. Don’t make a big deal out of it.” I shrugged.
“Who exactly has gone to the trouble, Brooklyn?” David’s perception was not something I felt up to dealing with right now. His dark hair fell haphazardly over his icy grey eyes and he pushed it back impatiently.
“The entire cast wants to celebrate with me.”
“Yeah, sure,” he said skeptically. I averted my eyes for fear he’d read the truth there. “I wanted to be alone. We haven’t had sex in months.”
“Guh! Really? Happy birthday, I see that you’re dead tired, but let’s fuck?” This was not new behavior. He’d always been direct about wanting sex, but this time it offended me. Something had changed. I knew what that something was, but I tried to push it back and swallow the emotion rising up in my throat.
“That’s not what I meant. I miss you.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve missed you, too.” I gave him a quick hug. “We’ve got time later, but now I need to get ready or we’ll be late. I’m going to take a shower.” I turned and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. I didn’t want him coming in there while I was naked in the shower and I didn’t want more interrogations either.
By the time I got into the shower, silent tears were falling down my face and I raised my face into the spray, trying to lose the tears in the rush of water raining down. How could things have changed so drastically in such a short time? My whole world had been turned upside down by a shock of golden hair, a set of amazing blue eyes, and a disarming smile; but it was more than that. Cade touched me on a deeper level. He and I shared a connection that couldn’t be defined or articulated, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. Jesus, I was going to miss him. I closed my eyes as pain swept through me again. The guilt I felt for the man on the other side of the bathroom door wasn’t helping, yet, it felt if I let David touch me, I’d be cheating on Cade and I couldn’t do it. My heart twisted painfully in my chest.
Truthfully, I wished David would disappear and I could spend the evening alone in my room. I needed sleep and I wasn’t up for what I knew would follow. I didn’t want to deal with his confusion at my obvious distance, or to watch the pain that I knew I’d see on Cade’s beautiful face all evening. A huge part of me was hoping that he wouldn’t show tonight, that he would choose to stay away to protect himself, but I knew him better than that. He would be there for me, no matter how he felt himself. I leaned on the side of the shower and bowed my head as I struggled to pull it together.
*****
While David and I were in the cab that took us to the sushi restaurant where Cade had arranged my party, he pulled me close and I leaned on his shoulder, seeking comfort and to ease a portion of the guilt that was nagging at me. David had been with me since the ninth grade and we’d always had an easy, no pressure relationship. Only now, I was feeling pressure big time, but it wasn’t because of anything he was doing.
“What did your family send you for your birthday?” I felt uncomfortable with the small talk, and would have been content with the silence.
I inhaled and sat up, moving away from him slightly. “Um, my mom sent me some clothes and my dad and brother are going to visit later in the month. I hadn’t really thought about it, and I don’t need anything. There isn’t anything that I want,” I said absently, looking out the window as the lights of the city flashed their reflections on the glass. Vancouver was a lot like New York, bustling; the streets crowded, people walking everywhere, but on a less intense level.
“Well, I thought we could take a trip to Cabo when filming wraps. Would you like to do that?” He was holding my hand and it burned my flesh like acid. It was all I could do not to pull away from him.
“Yeah, sure. That sounds good.”
“Brook, what is with you tonight? I’m here with your friends, like you wanted, so what gives?” His sarcastic emphasis of the word made me want to smack him.
“I told you. I’m just really tired. We’re going twelve to fifteen hours a day and today we were outside the whole time. It was cold and it’s exhausting, David.”
“I’ll talk to Martin and tell him to take it easier on you, okay?” I rolled my eyes but he couldn’t see me since I was still looking out the window. Like he’d have one ounce of pull over Martin because he’d had a small role in one of his films.
Yeah, right.
“No. Please don’t. I can fight my own battles. Besides, this is a job and the tight schedule is required to bring it in within budget, and deadlines. It’s just worse, now that we’re winding down.”
As we pulled up to the restaurant, I was grateful we were surrounded by others so I’d be able to avoid the personal conversation. He knew me very well, and clearly realized something was bothering me. Pretty soon, he’d be asking more direct questions that I didn’t want to answer, but I didn’t want to lie either.
The rest of the cast was already there when we walked in and all the guys stood. My eyes searched for a certain beautiful face that was conspicuously missing, and David noticed. He glanced at me to gauge my reaction. Over the past couple of months, he’d accused me of spending too much time with Cade, and he was skeptical when I told him it was mostly for the film.
I pulled away from David’s hand, and went around the table and hugged everyone. “Thanks for being here, you guys. It means a lot to me.”
“Hey, David,” Wendy said, and pointed to two open seats that she had saved beside her. She and I met at an audition for another movie the year before, and she was a friend to both of us. David took the one closest to her because he’d worked on that film, and I hadn’t been cast. I silently hoped that she’d keep him occupied so I could talk to the others. Another wave of guilt rushed over me as my eyes searched the entrance to the restaurant, looking for Cade. My heart fell. Despite how I knew this would affect him, I realized how much I wanted him to be there. I always wanted him close.
We ordered the first round of drinks and my eyes glanced at the empty chair at the end of the table.
“Brook.” Ethan Ranfeld caught my attention. He played the brother to Cade’s character in the film. “How was it today? I talked to Cade, and he said it was an ordeal. What a way to spend your birthday.” His handsome face was relaxed and he smiled.
“Yeah. It was cold and one of the production assistants fell off a curb and broke her arm. The sidewalk was slippery and her legs just flew out from underneath her.”
“Was that the concert scene?” Jennifer asked. Jennifer was a pretty girl with dark hair who was cast as my best friend in the film.
“Yeah. Cade and I were running too close to the edge, I guess. The as
sistant moved backward to make room, and didn’t watch what she was doing. I felt really bad for her.”
“Speaking of Cade, where is the man tonight, Brook?” Wendy shot out, and nudged David in the shoulder. I stiffened slightly. She had the hots for Cade and didn’t bother to hide it.
“Um, not sure. I thought he’d be here.” I hoped the disappointment wasn’t evident in my tone. “We were both exhausted, so maybe he decided he’d rather sleep.”
David leaned in to me, and whispered, “Why the hell does Wendy think you’d know where he’s at?”
Shit.
“Well, probably because we worked together today,” I said impatiently.
“Sorry, I’m late. I fell asleep.” As if on cue, Cade walked toward me, took my hand, and pulled me up from my chair for a hug. “Happy birthday, Brook,” he said softly before letting me go and moving toward the open chair between two of the guys. David shot me a dirty look as I retook my seat, then his eyes followed Cade as he moved away from me.
“I would have understood if you wanted to keep sleeping. I almost did, too,” I smiled at him from across the table.
David flung his arm around me and pulled me close so he could kiss my temple. My eyes were on Cade and he glanced away, trying to talk to Ethan. I couldn’t hear what he was saying, but I wanted to. Ethan’s eyes glanced at me, then back to Cade’s face as he nodded.
Dinner progressed with David hanging all over me, and Cade doing his best to keep his eyes off of us. On the occasions that I’d catch him looking toward me intently, and his jaw visibly stiffened when David would call me baby, or pull me in for a kiss. I felt very uncomfortable; it wasn’t like David to be the doting boyfriend, and I knew it was his frail male insecurity that was putting on a show for Cade’s benefit. My stomach clenched and started to ache, causing me to pick at my food.
Cade’s expression was painful. He hid it well and the others were oblivious to the tightness around his mouth, or the way he looked down with a frown as he listened to the casual conversation. But, he couldn’t hide it from me. Even though he was good at laughing and trying to seem as if he didn’t have a care in the world… I knew. Maybe it was the movie, or maybe it was residual shit that was carrying over; the problem was, I wasn’t certain. I didn’t know for sure at this point, but I knew that hurting him; hurt me. It was eating me alive.
We were almost finished with dinner when Cade abruptly stood up, his chair scraping across the wooden floor, after David had nuzzled my neck one too many times. “Um, I’ll be back in a bit,” he said, and turned to leave. He was stressing, so I knew he’d be going out to have a cigarette. At least, I hoped he wasn’t leaving. Suddenly, I knew I needed to go find him.
David’s arm was heavy as it lay across my thighs and I lifted it off of me, and took a drink of my soda. Jennifer was watching me, and I could tell by the look in her eyes that she understood what I was going through.
“I’m going to use the restroom, David. I’ll be back.”
“Do you want me to come with you?” Wendy asked expectantly.
“No, thanks.” I quickly got up and went to find Cade, hoping the others wouldn’t notice that I walked right past the bathrooms. I went out the side door, and found him in the courtyard sitting on a bench with his back turned in my direction. It was pretty with a lot of trees, and a few tables with candles on them. The white lights that were strung in the trees were the only lights, and it left the atmosphere pretty dark and romantic. He didn’t hear me approach as he pulled on his cigarette, and ran his hand through his hair. He was agitated.
“Hey…” I said softly and he turned, his clear blue eyes widened when he saw me.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to make you leave your party, love.”
“Well, you’re part of my party, and I wanted to talk to you.”
His face lit up with a lazy smile. “Yeah? You were with me all day, so aren’t you sick of me yet?”
I laughed softly, and sat down beside him. “You wish.”
“Not at all. Never,” he answered ruefully, looking away. I could see the muscle working in his jaw. “Today was grueling, huh?” he sighed and blew out a stream of smoke.
The scene had both of us crying our guts out, and my eyes were still swollen. It was a big part of the exhaustion we both felt. I nodded.
“I’m sorry David is acting like a jealous ass in there.”
“I understand. I’d be doing the same thing if I were in his place. If you were mine, I couldn’t keep from touching you either. I mean… uh—”
My heart thudded in my chest, and I was sure he must hear it pounding. “Cade. You shouldn’t say things like that to me. I’m…” I struggled for words. “Well, I’m—I’m just—really confused about stuff right now.”
He reached out and took my hand, bringing it up to brush his lips on the inside of my wrist. “I know. I’m sorry.” His expression was serious as he searched my face. I couldn’t hold his gaze because I knew I’d get lost in his eyes. “I don’t mean to confuse you.”
“I know, but you do,” I said softly. So softly, that even I almost didn’t hear my own voice. I felt my throat constrict painfully. The emotions I felt with Cade, around Cade, and for Cade; were all over the fucking place. He could infuriate me like no one else could, make me burst out in hysterical spasms of laughter, make me want him so bad my skin vibrated. I felt his pain as deeply as if it were my own. Hell, maybe it was my pain. There were times when I couldn’t tell where he ended, and I began. It terrified the shit out of me.
Cade turned to contemplate my expression, and his eyes softened; his lips quirking slightly at the corners, as he let out his breath in an amused huff.
“So… I told Martin we were meeting at a different restaurant.” His shoulder nudged against mine gently; his voice full of laughter. “I didn’t think you’d want him here tonight.” His attempt to change the subject worked.
“Uh uh! No you didn’t!” I said incredulously, and laughed. “Cade!”
“What?” A beautiful smile split across his face. “I didn’t think you’d want him bloody crashing your party, right? Isn’t fifteen hours of listening to his incessant, mindless rabble enough for you?” he chuckled, and I started giggling. This was the best I’d felt all night.
“Oh, my God, yes! You’re right. So what? You sent him somewhere else? He’s gonna be soooo pissed!” I was still laughing. “You’re amazing.”
His face sobered as he touched my chin with his fingers. “There’s the smile I needed to see on that beautiful face. You should be happy today. Let’s go eat cake, shall we? It’s my favorite part of birthdays.”
I longed to take his hand and press it tighter into my cheek, to lean into him and close my eyes. Instead, I nodded. “Okay.” I nudged his shoulder with mine lightly; repeating the gesture written for our characters, that had now become part of us. “This, right now, is my favorite part so far,” I said quietly. His eyes lit up, and he leaned into me in return. “Thank you for the party.”
“Anything for you. You know, I have a gift for you, too, but I want to give it to you when we’re alone. How long is David staying?”
My heart fell at the mention of David’s name and my little illusion fell around me in shards. I swallowed and licked my lips, dropping my gaze to the ground.
“Uh, I think a day or two. Truthfully, I didn’t ask him.”
Cade nodded as he stood up and held out a hand to me before leading me back into the restaurant. “Well, then, in the next few days, yeah?”
The lump in my throat threatened to choke me. “Um… sure.”
*****
I sat on the bed as David moved around me, taking off his clothes as he went. He was talking, but I wasn’t registering one word he was saying. I stared off into space, not seeing or hearing anything, as my mind replayed the look in Cade’s eyes as we said goodbye before David led me out of the restaurant. The way his fingers fisted in the back of my shirt, as he hugged me and kissed the side of my face, told me ever
ything I needed to know.
Of course, Cade and I weren’t lovers, but there was a high degree of desperation in that embrace.
“Hey, Brook.” David was waving a hand in front of my eyes as my hand absently played with the bedspread, my unseeing eyes finally focusing on his almost nude body. Leave it to him to get right down to business. “Where the hell are you?”
I stood up, removed my jacket, and kicked my shoes into the closet. “I’m sorry. I’m just so tired,” I said wearily. I prayed that he would just let me crawl into bed and fall into a blissful sleep. One where I wouldn’t dream of Cade’s tortured expression or the strain of that last embrace when he whispered, ‘Happy birthday’ against my face, with his hot breath washing over my skin.
“It’s no wonder, they work you like a dog. Where was Martin tonight? I was going to talk to him to see if he had any jobs on his other films.”
I smiled, flopping down on the bed. “Hmmph! I, uh, guess he must have gotten lost. He was invited.” I could barely contain the laughter. If David really knew the truth of what happened, he would be furious with Cade.
“Are you going to let me in on the joke? What’s so damn funny?”
“Nothing.” I tried to keep a straight face, and failed. David’s expression tightened.
“Aren’t you going to get ready for bed?” David lowered his voice and crawled up next to me. He propped on one elbow and used his other hand to start unbuttoning my shirt, but my hand came up to cover his.
“Yeah, I’ll do it,” I said, and got up from the bed. David sat up and pulled his knees up to rest his elbows on them. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye and found him studying me intently.