He’d been living at the cottage for two weeks now, and for every one of those days he’d been watching her carefully. She swore that day in the bathroom she’d just got a head spin from moving too quickly. After an emotional few months, and such rapid weight loss, it was a wonder her health was as good as it was. Her eating in the last week had been improving steadily, and after forcing a promise from her to go to the doctor if it happened again, he let it go reluctantly.
Ryan rapped smartly again and when the door flew open, his hand dropped to his side.
“Ryan!”
He nodded impassively. “Mum.” His eyes fell to where her hand shook on the doorknob before they rose to her face. He felt so different, so removed from her. It was like knowing her was another lifetime ago. “Can I come in?”
She stood out of the way, her hand fluttering to her hair to smooth the dark brown strands. He remembered it as long, glossy waves, but now it was to her shoulders, and smooth.
“I wasn’t expecting you.”
Huh. After all these years, this was the best she could come up with? “Well, I wasn’t expecting an invitation.”
She frowned. “You left.”
“Why do you think I did that?”
Annoyed already, he stepped inside the house. Most of the furniture he ran his eyes over was new. No. Not new, just different, changed. The photos still plagued the walls like some sad, godforsaken shrine. Ryan ran his eyes over them, his heart aching.
“Would you like some of the photos, Ryan?” his mother asked softly.
Ryan only had the one in his wallet. It was faded and worn from use. He took it out all the time and stared at it, wondering what his life would have been like if she were still alive. Always fucking wondering. He couldn’t let it go, and it made him so damn tired.
He swallowed. “Please.”
“You can choose them. Can I get you a drink … or something?”
“No.” He turned to face her. She was hugging herself, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. “Where’s Dad?”
She sighed. “We divorced a long time ago, Ryan. I haven’t seen your father in years.”
His brows flew up. “Oh. Was it …”
“Some people, when they lose a child, they never really recover. Your father couldn’t let it go. It was killing us, and then how he was with you, how I was with you. We lost you too, that’s on us, I know, but I’m—”
“Mum,” he cut her off and she froze, her fluttering hands halting mid-air.
Ryan drew a deep breath and let it out. Why couldn’t he hate her? He wanted to but it was such a useless emotion. There was no room left in his heart for hate, but for his mother there was no room for love either. He looked at her, really looked at her. She seemed tiny and faded somehow, just a transparent version of the person she used to be. His heart softened. “Maybe I’ll have that drink after all.”
She flushed. “O-of course. Um … coffee?”
“Black, no sugar.”
“I’ll go make it. Why don’t you go choose some photos while you’re waiting?”
Ryan nodded, moving towards the wall of photos when she stepped out of the room. He ran his eyes carefully over each and every one of them. His sister’s bright happy face stared back at him in all of them. Closing his eyes, the day she died burst vividly in his mind.
“Mum!” he yelled loudly, grabbing the football as he flew out the front door. “Going outside to kick the footy around.”
“Don’t go far,” she called out from the kitchen. “Dinner won’t be long!”
“Can I come too, Ryan?” his little sister called out.
“No, Kass. You can’t catch properly. You’re all thumbs.”
Ryan gasped, pushing the memory away. It hurt too much. It should have faded over time, but it still taunted him with the brightest clarity.
His little sister had followed him everywhere with those puppy dog eyes. Ryan had always been such a jerk, telling her to leave him alone. The day she died was the one day, one fucking day, when he’d given in.
In his young mind, Kassidy had been just a dumb annoying girl, always stumbling over something. So clumsy, just like Fin was. Despite their different colouring, meeting Fin that first day at school, seeing her trip up the stairs, God, it was like seeing his sister all over again. From that day on he watched over Fin, scared that something would happen to her just like it did his sister.
“It wasn’t your fault, Ryan,” came his mother’s soft voice behind him.
He opened his eyes, swallowing the sudden rush of fury. Turning, he looked at her, his jaw tight. Ryan had lived with the blame, the pain, the beatings, their hate; he breathed it into his lungs with every step he took, every single day.
“Twenty years,” he ground out. “I lived with that and I had to come to you for you to say four little words that back then might have changed my entire world.”
She sank down into the pale, cushioned couch behind her and set his coffee on the little side table with shaky hands. When she let go of the cup, she gripped her hands together, her knuckles white. “I’m sorry.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but she continued before he could say anything.
“I know words are meaningless, but when Kassidy died … I couldn’t come back from it. It was like I was lost, standing outside of myself, for years. Your father … he’d always been quick to rage, but he … oh God,” she moaned, wiping at the tears that rolled down her face. “How he would beat you for the smallest things, and I was so lost I did nothing. Then one day, you were just never home anymore and I was glad. I was so glad,” she said fiercely.
The words stung. “You never wanted me around anymore.”
“No, I didn’t. I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to your father, Ryan. I wanted you away from him. You had Mike and Julie looking after you, and that was so much better than being in the poison of our house.”
Ryan’s mouth fell open. “You knew where I was?”
She choked on a sob. “I did.”
He went and sat down on the chair beside her. “You never said.”
“I watched you. Sometimes I would sit in my car and watch you play rugby with Jake. Mike would be there helping you with your bags, Julie would be cheering you on, and their daughter, Finlay, was always there with either her nose stuck in a book or watching you. Living on the sidelines of your life hurt so much, but that was all I deserved. You were thriving with the Tanners, Ryan. You were smiling and laughing, so I would leave and go back to your father and dread the nights you returned. Though as you got older, and taller, your father couldn’t be less bothered with you at all and just drank more.” She ran her eyes over him. “You’re so big now, so much more than I ever hoped you would be. Seeing you now makes me wonder how Kassidy would’ve turned out.”
Ryan looked down at his hands. Time and again he wondered the same thing. Fin and Kassidy would have been fast friends if her life hadn’t been cut so short. “She would have been beautiful.”
His mother sighed heavily in the silence.
“Jake died,” he blurted out.
Her bottom lip trembled. “I know. It was on the news. Every time I heard of a soldier’s death in Afghanistan I would hold my breath and pray. And one day there was your Jake on the news. I’m so sorry.”
Why the hell did he bring that up? Ryan stood abruptly. “I should go.”
“Oh … but you didn’t drink your coffee.”
The walls were closing in on him and she was talking about coffee? Fuck. He needed to get outside and draw air into his lungs. “Another time maybe.”
Ryan strode towards the door, and his mother started grabbing randomly at some of the photos on the wall. She piled them in his arms, fussing when one started to fall. He clutched it before it fell and turned to leave. Hesitating, he stopped and met her eyes. “Mum. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you kicked Dad out.”
“Ryan,” she whispered and reached for his hand. She gave it a squeeze. “You have this quiet, inne
r strength about you, and I have no idea where it came from. I’m not like you. I’m weak and tired, never strong enough to deal with your father, let alone kick him out. He just left.”
He nodded. His mother was right. She wasn’t strong, but the type of people his parents were only made him work twice as hard to be everything they weren’t. “Are you happier?”
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be that, but I’m better. What about you?”
His mind went immediately to Fin, his pulse racing at the knowledge she was tucked safely in his heart. He smiled at his mother. “I’m getting there.”
Ryan strode out the door.
“Ryan!” she called out, and his chest tightened at the memory of that voice calling him inside when he was little. He turned. “Call me sometime. If you want to. My number’s listed.”
He nodded and gave her a casual salute before getting in his car.
“Well that went well.”
Ryan started the car and wiped the light sheen of sweat from his brow. “You think, Jake?”
“I don’t think. I’m just a voice in your head, remember?”
“Is this you reminding me about letting you go or risk being a looney tune again?”
“Just read my letter, Kendall.”
“Why? So I have to say goodbye to you forever?”
“There are no goodbyes in life. Only see you later.”
Ryan followed the coastline as he drove from the northside of the city back to Fremantle. His eyes fell on Mettams Beach where Mike and Julie always took them on the weekends.
“Stop here, Kendall.”
Ryan pulled into the car park and switched off the ignition. Sitting back in his car, he gazed out to the horizon.
“Remember that day we snuck off with Dad’s paint and immortalised ourselves in stone?”
He did. They’d only been thirteen and had snuck the paint inside their bag of towels. When Mike and Julie had taken Fin to go snorkelling, they ran off down the beach and used Mike’s good brushes and house paint to plaster their names over the rocks. After getting caught, they were both supposed to come back and scrub it off but never did.
“Do you think it’s still there, Tanner?”
“Go look.”
Swinging the door open, he got out of the car and breathed in the fresh, salty air. Reaching back in, he grabbed Jake’s letter out of the glove box. After taking off his shoes and putting them in the car, he rolled up the legs of his jeans and trudged along the sand towards the rocks where he and Jake had spent hours plotting their future missions as soldiers.
It took him awhile to remember where their names were, but he found them. Swallowing the lump in this throat, he ran his fingers over the worn paint.
“What are you putting, Kendall?”
Ryan turned and grinned at Jake, the harsh sun beating down on his bare chest. He held the paintbrush aloft, white flecks speckling the rocks they were crouched over. “Ryan rocks!”
Jake guffawed loudly. “You’re a dick.”
“At least mine’s a big one. What are you putting?”
“I’m already finished.”
Ryan stood up, balancing across the rocks to peer over Jake’s shoulders. He read it silently. ‘Jake Tanner. Who Dares Wins.’
His mouth fell open as he looked at Jake. “You put the SAS soldier motto.”
Jake grinned down at him. His blond hair was tousled from the sea and sand, his green eyes flashing with excitement. “Yep. You don’t think I’m letting you do this alone, do you?”
Ryan swallowed hard at the memory. “Fuck you, Jake,” he whispered as the breeze fluttered his hair. “You went and left and now I’m doing it alone after all.” He waited for an answer, but he didn’t hear anything except the sound of waves crashing against the rocks.
As the sun slipped across the sky, he eventually slid his finger under the opening of the envelope and pulled out the sheet of paper. Tears blurred his vision as he unfolded the single page. He waited for them to pass before his eyes fell on the words.
Kendall,
Sleeping during training was bad enough, but leaving you alone to finish what we started together is probably taking it a bit far, huh?
I’m sorry.
Despite what you always said, out of the both of us it was you that was the strongest. The only difference was that I smiled a little easier, but we both know why that is. You and Fin have each other now. Take care of her for me. She has such a big heart and most of it is filled with you. Remember when she was fourteen and trying to learn the clarinet? We both wanted to jab hot pokers in our ears to make it stop. I know that’s how you felt when I played my guitar, but that’s what you get for putting those baked beans down my pants. Yeah, I knew that was you.
I want you to give my guitar to Fin. She doesn’t know how to play it, but she’ll learn. She can carry on the Tanner tradition of playing good music badly and annoy the shit out of you in my place.
Remember the day we sliced our palms open with mum’s kitchen knife and shook hands? Do you remember what I said?
Ryan closed his eyes and pulled the memory from his mind. It was only weeks after the paint incident at the beach and night time. The full moon had washed the backyard with pale light as they sat cross legged opposite each other in the grass.
“Jake? What are you doing?” Fin called out from the back patio door.
“Nothing, Fin. Go away!” Jake yelled back, a frown marring his face.
“I saw you come out with that knife. You better not be doing anything bad with it or I’ll tell Mum.”
“Mind your own business!”
“It’s nothing bad, Fin,” Ryan called, his eyes seeking her out in the soft light. “Promise.”
Her eyes were wide as she nodded at him. “Okay, Ryan,” she replied, and with a brief look at Jake, she went back inside.
Jake raised a brow at him. “She always listens to you.”
Ryan grinned. “That’s because I’m the voice of authority.”
Jake reached over and shoved his shoulder, laughing when Ryan flew back into the grass. “Maybe in your own mind, asshole. Now give me the knife. I want to go first.”
With a shrug, Ryan sat up, brushing grass from his hair as he handed it over. He watched Jake fist the sharp paring knife in his left hand and slice deeply into the thick flesh of his right palm.
“Fuck, Jake. I don’t think it’s supposed to be that deep.”
He grinned at Ryan as blood dripped down his palm. “No pain, no gain. Your turn.”
Jake handed over the knife and Ryan took it. A sharp searing burn rolled through his stomach as it cut through his skin. Dropping the knife to the ground, Ryan looked up, his dark eyes locking on Jake’s green ones, and held out his hand. “Brothers until the end.”
Jake took hold, his grip firm, and squeezed Ryan’s hand hard enough for a trickle of blood to travel the length of his forearm. “There is no end. Brothers forever.”
“Brothers forever,” Ryan said out loud. Despite his heart aching, he smiled at the memory and went back to the letter.
Don’t ever forget those words.
I love you, brother.
Jake.
“Jake, you saved my life,” he muttered gruffly. Where would Ryan have been without Jake in his life? Jake had given him a past filled with happy memories and a reason to keep breathing. “You saved my life and you didn’t even know it.”
“How did he do that?”
Ryan jolted at the sound of Fin’s voice from behind him. He twisted around, shielding his eyes in the sun as he looked up at her. She was wearing a thin, yellow dress with tiny straps that were slipping off her bony shoulders. A pair of brown sandals dangled from her right hand as she focused her eyes on the letter clutched in his fingers.
“I love the two of you. I just want you both happy, you know what I’m saying, don’t you?”
“He gave me you,” Ryan said softly. He folded the letter carefully and returned it to the envelope, trying not to no
tice how his hands shook slightly with the action.
“You’ve always had me,” she said simply as he tucked it into his back pocket.
“Come here,” he told her, patting the rock surface between his legs.
Fin walked gingerly over to the rocks and settled herself between his legs. He urged her back until she relaxed against his chest, her forearms resting on his thighs.
“How did you know I was here?”
Fin’s head fell back, resting in the crook of his neck. “Rach rang. She saw your car and thought we were at the beach. I came down because I was worried about you,” she admitted.
“I’m okay.”
“Then why are you sitting here alone?”
Ryan tilted his head and pressed a kiss against her temple. “Because I went to see my parents today.”
“Oh, Ryan.” Her fingers dug into his legs. “Tell me?”
“My sister died when I was seven,” Ryan told her, tired of keeping it to himself. For too long the loss had weighed him down.
“What?” she breathed. She tried to turn, but he locked his arms around her so she couldn’t move.
“Just … let me get this out.”
She nodded mutely against him.
“There were only two years between us, but she annoyed the crap out of me. She’d take my toys and draw on them in bright coloured texta and it wouldn’t come off. Everything of mine she touched, she would break. Not purposely. She was just careless and clumsy. She was so much like you, Fin, with her big eyes and sweet smile. She would have been your age now, but she didn’t make it past five years old.”
“It sounds like she spent a lot of time trying to get your attention. She looked up to you, just like I do, Ryan.”
“She did look up to me,” Ryan whispered thickly. “It’s so easy to see that now.”
“What was her name?”
“Kassidy.”
“Kassidy Kendall,” Fin repeated.
His sister’s name sounded so beautiful coming from Fin’s lips, as though it somehow brought Kass back to life.
“What happened to her?”